items found & redeposited

Today, at lunch time, I perpertrated a HUMUNGOUS nutritional sin and ordered Wendy's Baconator. Don't give me that look. . .I'm just as disgusted with myself as you are. Your scorn will have absolutely NO impact on the situation.

Anyways, I happen to be outfitted in this sweater with what I believe is called a "shawl collar" (quite similar to the sweater pictured @ right)

Two seemingly unrelated facts, yes, but I WILL show relevance if permitted to continue, your honor....

During a late afternoon potty trip, I was sitting there, in stall, when I spied a bit of bacon in the criss-cross crevice of my shawl collar. The "Baconator"-- as you may have surmised-- packs some beaucoup bacon therein.. . apparently exceeding my mouth's bacon capacity...and that's downright ASTOUNDING, as my mouth's bacon capacity is rather large...bordering on gogmagogical. Anyways, had I found a piece of bacon in my sweater while sitting at my desk (struggling for consciousness/watching the clock ) I would have gobbled it up. But the thought of eating anything (even delectable BACON) whilest in the bathroom sickens me. And yet I had to be proactive about the situation...I mean how long had this bacon bit been rotting in the folds of my sweater already? So, you see, leaving it be was not an option...

So I tossed it in the pad/tampon disposal box hanging by my right knee. Gross, right? I then had this internal monologue (paraphrased, of course...it's not like I bring a steno pad into the ladies room to collect any sudden profundities) --

What a weird thing to find in the sanitary napkin mini-dumpster...

Ahh, well... I don't suppose the janitor actually looks in there.

Although...

Lots of nutty fetishists out there...it's certainly plausible that some of them are janitors

So I am rewarding his freakydeaky behavior by planting an out-of-the-ordinary find??

If he WERE that sort of weirdo...and that remains to be proven....

This is GRODY why am I still pondering this????!!!???

Ok, now I have another find . . .from yesterday... .I defied chronological order just because this one is kind of cute and I thought it might cleanse some of the ick out of your mind from that whole bathroom bacon episode...

Picture it...Sicily...1932...

Uh..no..oops..hold up. Momentarily possessed by the spirit of Sophia Petrillo there. Take 2...

Picture it... November 26 2007 (approximately 1:30pm) I am passing a shrubbery-laden median in the TJ Maxx parking lot. In a patch of juniper* I spy a large matchbook. Printed on the matchbook in gold: "Kimberly & Edward / July ___th 2007/ Lucky in Love" So I don't remember the precise date of Kim & Eddie's nuptials, but I am positive it was a double-digit day of the month, and that it was suffixed with "th" and not "st" "nd" or "rd". So some schmendrick attended this wedding between the 10th and the 20th OR between the 24th and the 30th, and they coveted the gratis matches enough to pocket 'em, but did not value them enough to not lose them in the TJ Maxx parking lot. Oh, and the matchbook had little crossed horseshoes etched on 'em...above the writing...forgot that detail.

These soggy matches, which were of no use to me (because they weren't just dew-soggy matches, if they'd been there since this summer, they'd been snowed on at least once...so I'd bet even if you dried 'em out thoroughly they'd not work) I found to be too interesting a find to just leave sitting in a shrubbery. Y'know any find that is so evocative of the possible backstory is an interesting find. Don'tcha think? Anyways, I snatched it up and, without a word, slipped the matchbook into my sister's purse while she was distracted (changing my niece's shitty diaper).

I suppose it's not piss-your-pants caliber funny, but amuses me quite a lot to think of Laura sorting through the contents of her purse and puzzling over this one.. "Kimberly and Edward? Who the @#$% are Kimberly and Edward???"

*It may not have been a juniper, this shrub. I really don't know, to be honest. I was trying to be descriptive, OK?