Thursday, January 31, 2008

Of sheep and puppets...

So, I was IM-ing Lisa about something...she did me a solid I think, and I responded with a "thank you, madam!" And then I felt compelled to clarify, "I don't mean like a proprietess of an ill-repute house type of madam...I mean like Madam, of Wayland Flowers and Madam fame" But then I began second guessing myself : Wayland Flowers? That's one crazy name...am I remembering that correctly??

Remember those two?? From Solid Gold?? Anyways I had to check it, to see if I was right or not. Come to find out I was mostly right: his name was Wayland Flowers (he died about 20 yrs ago) but her name is Madame. Pronounced the same, just spelled fancier. Furthermore, I found that Madame is back at work (with a new partner) after a lengthy hiatus. And--bestest of all-- she has her own website!! There is even a link on there to email Madame. I was reporting this exciting fact to Lisa and she's like: "Do it!! Email her!!" But...aw, shucks..I wouldn't know what to say to such a LEGEND




Although it has occurred to me that my wardrobe is sadly lacking in glamorous turbans. Maybe Madame could refer me to a retailer of such headgarb...

Another thing recently learned (completely unrelated to the phenom that is Madame) is that long ago in many areas of England there was a counting system for tallying one's sheep. You know how a baker would not be apt to say they baked "24 cookies", they would say instead "2 dozen cookies". Except in this sheep counting system there was a name for every number 1-20. I first got wind of this from my tremendously informative Schott's Almanac desk calendar. Behold----



I dug a bit further and discovered (here) that these sheep counting systems varied so greatly amongst different regions/counties, that I reckon it was damned difficult for shepards of disparate counties to talk shop with each other.

As you mighta presumed, I just LOOVE this. I would like to work these terms into my everyday conversation. And with my job , I could easily do it. Like suppose I get a call like: "Do you have stock on such 'n' such a torch in your TX warehouse?" I check and see 31 there. I could then say "Aye, sir. We've SCORE an' YAN-A-DICKS in our Texas warehouse." It amuses me to no end...but my coworkers are STRONGLY urging that I refrain from trying this. I probably don't have the proverbial stones to try it anyways (especially since our calls have started being "recorded for quality assurance")

I particularly like 15 ("Bumfit") As in: Arrgh, I've naught but 3 bumfit in me ol' checking account. (this is apt to be a true statement on any given week nowadays..)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Mind Rrrrrot

Check this headline about poor Sean Young...(click to enlarge )
I think the Yahoo scribes were unfair to label it "a bizarre heckling incident." Well, I clicked on that provocative "What did she do??" (!!) link for the full 411 and I learned she heckled director Julian Schnabel...he was at the podium and slow to collect his thoughts and start talking and she was hollering for him to "get on with it". Rude, yes. But bizarre?? When a celeb-journalist talks of celeb behavior and uses the adjective "bizarre" , it calls to mind memories of Margo Kidder hiding in shrubberies and Anne Heche calling out to her mother ship. In light of such highly loopy criteria, does Sean Young's li'l slip up really qualify as bizarre?? Hardly!

I think the peculiar element here is that Sean Young was at the Directors' Guild awards in the first place. Sure, the public drunkenness was a bit sad. Although my immediate thought was... that Sean Young is trying to land herself on the Celebrity Rehab show. Either she wants to meet that dishy Dr Drew or it's yet another case of her desparate for work. That's what I like about Sean Young...she ain't too proud to beg. And furthermore, she don't care if you know she's beggin'. I read this big EW interview with her. True, there is a hint of "crazy biotch" about her, but she's refreshingly straightforward as well.

Ok, about this "Celebrity Rehab" . When I saw the previews for it, I was like, "OK, I know I've said we'd hit the bottom of the barrel before--but that was premature. THIS is the definite barrel bottom!!" Laura and I debated this... I was saying how it's the most ruthless exploitation, and the vilest sort of voyeurism. She was saying how celebs going to rehab has become such a blasé convention, but this show is valuable by showing just how UGLY it all is (as well as the grim reality of addiction in general). Well I gave a more eloquent spin to what she actually said, but that was the gist of her argument.

Well after American Gladiators this past Mon night (I was very pleased to catch it in its entirety this week!!) the STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS came on and I was like "What a tremendous DRRRRAAG, man" And I started flipping about the channels to see what was on that didn't harsh my mellow so damn much. In the course of this flipping, I wound up on VH1. Celeb Rehab didn't harsh my mellow so much, but it wasn't exactly light & fluffy programming either. But it was compelling stuff. I could NOT stop watching.

Y'know I still find it exploitative & voyeuristic but I now see some validity to Laura's argument too. I mean, if I watched that show when I happened to have in my possession a not-yet-tapped ration o' crack (an eight ball, right? Izzat what it's called??) I would promptly get rid of the shit after seeing the tragic spectacle of The Artist Who Once Was Kenickie. Seriously. Even if I spent 2 month's rent on it I would flush it down the loo post haste. It IS some scary shit.

So methinks I probably WILL tune in to tomorrow night's new episode. And to the next new eppy...and so on and so on for the rest of the season. I can't help myself-- it's ADDICTIVE !! (haaa) Two things I want to see during this show's run...
*A visit to Brigit from Flaaaaava -FLAAAAV! 'Cause, like FORGET Romeo & Juliet, those 2 schmoopies are an epic love story for the ages....
In lieu of a Flav cameo, it would also be an intriguing to see ol' Sly Stallone check in ...for his dependance on Bovine Growth Hormone or whatever it is he keeps getting busted for in airports... How awkward would that be??

*Also I wanna see Mrs. Dr. Drew. I have to cop to being a wee bit smitten with the good doc. (I mean, Conaway was right--he DOES look good in his tight tee. Damn good) He is quickly emerging as my very favorite famous person with the first name of " Doctor". You know Dr. Phil would loooove to have a successful celebrity rehab show (witness his recent Britney debacle) and , yeah, maybe he could do it, but he couldn't without being a loudmouth jackhole about it . Anyways...I couldn't help but glance at Dr Drew's all important digit--and of course it is be-ringed. Which makes me curious about what sort of dame landed him. I 'spose it's not entirely implausible that we'll get a peek at the Mrs....she might pop in one day, brown baggie in hand: "Oh honey, you forgot your lunch..."

I am my own MARPLOT


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Sometimes I love my purse, sometimes I just don't want to be encumbered by a purse. It was the latter case Monday night when I stopped off at a convenience store to buy a bevvie & Subway sammie. So (like a man) I just jammed my wallet in the back pocket of my jeans and headed in.

When I went to pay for my armload of goods, I yanked out aforementioned wallet. It felt thicker to me than usual....my curiosity is piqued at this. Have I gotta wad o' bills in here I forgot about?? Sweet... I am holding the wallet a bit away from me, at counter level, as one is apt to do when extracting their cash/ plastic. I turn the thing around, and on the underside of my wallet was a pad I'd had been toting around in my jeans pocket. (Just as "Ultrathin" as the packaging claimed...'cause I hadn't even realized it was in there) A quick upward glance confirmed that the cashier was in fact staring at my sanitary napkin. Terrif. I very quickly stuffed it in my parka pocket.

I concede--I was a smidge embarrassed. Usually I wouldn't be (for the record). I'm sure as hell not embarrassed to buy 'em...I mean you gotta buy such things (I don't want to meet the chick that handcrafts her own femme products. That's just taking the DIY movement TOO DAMN FAR.) And I've had 'em pawed over by airport security before and don't really give a rat's arse. I think what got me Monday night was how--just for the span of 2 seconds-- that guy at the register looked utterly aghast. Perhaps he was all panicky at the notion that I may be about to try and pay in some frightening new lady currency. "Do you just take Mastercard and Visa or can I pay with my Always? Oh, and how many sodas can I get for three tampons?"

It might have been amusing to attempt a barter, but I can't bear the thought of possibly being banned from that Expressmart because they make my particular variation of the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub just perfectly.

Moes keeey geee , OK

I have this coworker who has a hopeless hillbilly accent. For instance, one of our key products we sell is plasma cutters, and I am perpetually hearing B. say the word "PlasMER" Also she is often mispronouncing big words...and I don't know how much of that she owes to her hillybilly heritage or a legitimate reading disability. Either way, I realize it's terribly catty of me to laugh at this. And I don't---not aloud anyways. But me & Robin hear these manglings of the English language and always IM each other something like "PlasMER. Ha hahaaa!" So, I'm catty --but not as catty as I could be-- and I'm not solo in my cattiness.

Today, we both heard B. verifying the address of someone who's in Muskogee, Oklahoma. And she very laboriously prounounced it "Moes-key-gee". And after Robin & I had a good chortle over this, I was saying to her how it gave me flashbacks to grade school when I was always less sympathetic than I shoulda been toward the "bad readers" of the class.

I'm sure this lack of sympathy is why I am so immensely amused by this Gerry Dee bit...


I heart this dude. I totally think he shoulda won LCS!!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Fancy foreign phraseology

One of my weekday customs (time permitting) is to check a few dictionary sites (there are 3 I use regularly) and see what their "word of the day " happens to be. I only give it a quick peek, and only click for an expanded definition if the word instantly arrests my interest.

I have found, through this practice, that I have a bit of a penchant for foreign phrases. French and Latin, in particular. I love dabbling in Latin. In fact, I was so delighted by this directory that I've made it a new fixture on my links sidebar.

Anyways...here's a couple of blue-ribbon vocab. acquisitions I have recently picked up...


SANGFROID-- This term I have read, but previously I kinda skimmed over it without perceiving its meaning (shameful, I know!) But I find it kind of a handy word now that I've read up on it. Unfortunately, the pronunciation of it is a bit awkward and it can't really be slipped seamlessly into conversation like other French words like beaucoup , or tres. No, like "soupçon" this one might be best reserved for written expression.



Click on pic for definition. Or hear pronunciation here.









also I appreciate the Latin NOLENS VOLENS --which I'd never heard previously. But it does seem to me to be eminently useful.



Click on pic for definition

Many Cheerful Facts About the Square of the Hypotenuse!

For lunch today I had boiled dinner leftovers that I swiped from my parent's place this weekend. Yes, they're STILL feeding off the leftovers!! I told you I made a gogmagogical TON! Well, I weren't jus' whistling Dixie, sister!

I sure as hell hope it was still a-okay for consumption. I didn't see any mold or moss growing on anything, at least. I skimmed through some online article--last week I think it was-- that said that recent studies indicate food poisoning may have lasting effects on your health. It was scary stuff at just a perfunctory glance-- probably would have scared the hell outta me if I'd fully read the thing.

MSN.com always has such interesting headlines...I kinda miss it as my homepage. I just changed my homepage last Fri from the MSN site to yahoo.com. This was to keep me more vigilant in regards to my yahoo email inbox. I cleaned it out last week and there were about 70 emails in there (lotsa junk mail mostly).

Saturday I went on a bit of an iTunes buying binge. Today, I have been thoroughly enjoying my new acquisitions. I shall enumerate 'em for you (+ commentary, of course )

From The Pajama Game soundtrack:




  • The Pajama Game /Racing with the Clock


  • I'm Not At All in Love


  • There Once Was a Man (I particularly dig this one; however, this is the B'way show soundtrack not the movie's and I find Janis Paige's voice a smidge grating on this one song and prefer Doris Day's take on it)


  • Steam Heat


  • Think of the Time I Save


  • Hernando's Hideaway


  • Seven and a half Cents

And I already had 2 versions of the classic "Hey There" (imported from CDs I had) Thought I'd mention that, lest you think I made a foolish omission..

Some Clapton stuff:


  • Cocaine
  • Promises (my absolute fave Clapton song. "Lay Down Sally"--which I already had-- is a *close* 2nd)

Some "light opera" (Gilbert & Sullivan):


  • I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General ( from Pirates of Penzance--which I've never seen, but I find myself wanting to now, simply on account o' this terrific song. It's been caught in my noggin & I keep singing just the first two lines over & over, well, because that's all I've got down pat at this point. But hey--now that I have it on my iPod, and I've found a site w/ the lyrics... I should be performing this in no time. Yeeeahh, that & the jaw harp....
  • Titwillow (from The Mikado; this is good but it goes without saying that the Rowlf & Sam the Eagle duet is lots better!!)

Some crooner-y goodness:


  • Button Up Your Overcoat (a very good qual. version, but I've no idea who performs it. If you know this oldie, you know the lyrics are comprised of naggy motherish advice ie: "Button up your overcoat, when the wind is free.." Well I am especially delighted by this one line: "Keep away from bootleg hooch, when you're on a spree" EXCELLENT advice...that I shall take pains to heed in the future)

  • Swinging on a Star (Bing Crosby)

  • High Hopes (this version by Frank Sinatra; I love this song. I remember singing it at camp one year. I'll never understand why the phrase "high apple pie in the sky hopes" never became part of common vernacular.)

Some Roger Miller-- I don't know if I blogged this before, but I LOVE Roger Miller. I generally am quite anti-country music, but there's an exception to every rule, si? Well I have 3 exceptions to my general "Country music sucks" rule: Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton and especially exempt is Roger Miller.

I learned recently that Miller hosted a Season 3 episode of The Muppet Show. This makes me all antsy-in-the-pantsy for a Season 3 DVD release. 'Cause y'all know I was gonna be buying it anyways.

Anywhoodle, I had downloaded some Roger Miller on my very first iTunes buy, but somehow forgot to buy these two songs:

  • The Moon is High


  • You Don't Want My Love

Some Classic Rock picks--



  • Dance, Dance, Dance (Steve Miller Band)
  • True Fine Love (")
  • Jungle Love (")

  • Seven Bridges Road (The Eagles)
  • Southern Cross (Crosby, Stills,& Nash)
  • Misunderstanding (Genesis)
  • That's All ( " )

A li'l something more current--


  • O Valencia! (by The Decemberists; this song makes me think of work --just a smidge. Only because in our TX office we have a coworker named Valencia. When this song 1st came out --I think back in 2006-- I actually emailed a link to the song to Valencia. I'm not even that chummy with her, but I felt obliged to do it. It's always cool to have a popular song with your name in it {unless like me, all you've got is that horrid Mambo #5. Which is, as I think I inferred, HORRID, and you've got to share it with about 20 other girls besides} and O Valencia! is an excellent song to boot. But I didn't know if it was a mainstream radio staple out in TX so I thought I'd give V the tip just in case. Come to find out, my instincts were impeccable in this instance, as she'd never heard the song and she wound up liking it immensely.)

And from Waaay out in Left Field--


  • Put Another Log on the Fire ( this funny song I became smitten with when I saw it on a Season 1 episode of The Muppet Show. It was SUPER hard to find online and I had to settle on a cover by some hick group called The Geezinslaws { no shitting} I like the one sung by Jim Henson better. Y'know, it's absolutely CRIMINAL that the Muppet Show soundtrack {available on CD since 2002} is not available on iTunes. Lyrics of this song--by the way-- were penned by Mr Shel Silverstein. So it's no wonder they crack me up. The guy actually wrote a lotta songs-didja know that? Probably most famous of these: A Boy Named Sue)



  • Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport (very amusing.. I'd never noticed before that the chief instrument being played throughout this ditty is...I believe...a piece of sheet metal. Well, that's what it sounds like anyways..)



Sunday, January 27, 2008

Scan-a-palooza!!

Yesterday I stumbled onto (in the cupboards under the bookcase in the livingroom at mi padres' casa) a FamilyCircle that was older than I am.

Specifically it was from June 1976. Here is the cover---



Our cover model Susan is the daughter of then-president Ford. Does she not have a faint Kate Hudson look about her? I rather like that little beach robe she's sporting. Family Circle seems to believe I can sew one up "in a snap"!! (so claims the article within)

I've scanned all the noteworthy pages. Browse thru along with me, won'tchya??




I know the decor is terribly outdated but I rather like this kitchen. It's like they were going for neauvo-medieval...with a dash of squirrel statuary.



I so recognize this artwork but can't quite recall the illustrator's name. The dude used to draw for MAD mag though, which is why this seems familiar to me (as I was mad for MAD right up 'til freshman year in h.s.)


15 cents? Really?? Come on...I don't think that'll buy you anything ..not even back in '76.





I LOVE spoon jewelry !! Damn you General Mills Co/Betty Crocker for not continuing this fabulous offer!! I have a spoon bracelet and a spoon ring (ring is currently MIA, unfortunately) but I could always go for more!! I don't like the "Silver Satin" collection but "Brahms" is lovely...





Genuine circa 1976 recipes and if you can expand this pic to readable size you're free to recreate these dishes in your own kitchen. I should forewarn you that the gustatory delight at the top of the page , left side is actually macaroni salad WITH HOT DOGS CHUNKS in it. Grrrrody. Not even that daft dame Rachel Ray would do that!!


this ad is for Campbells soup...which would be obvious if I'd scanned the other 1/2 page of this 1 1/2 page ad spread. I just wanted to capture the idyllic picnic scene. If I lived in this sweet li'l farmhouse I would put my diningroom set out in the backyard and dine in just this fashion. Substitute French onion soup for the split pea (bleccch!) and it'd be paradise.I'm so glad she can remember why it is she smokes. I rather think it more imperative for her to remember to fully button up her damn shirt.

Next up: another doofy cig ad. Magazines are so lacking in this wonderfully mockable shit nowadays...

"Helen, I thought you were going take pictures of us foolin' around by the waterfall? Get on over here!" "Just ashing on some wildflowers,hon. I'll be over in just a minute..."



No offense, Ida, but Marion's dog is, like, 10X cuter than yours.

Do they still sell Gainesburgers? They strike me as pretty awesome (both Gainesburgers and Gravy Train do). I don't know why I should be so delighted by either, as I'm not a frequent ingester of doggy food of any variety.



**The bicentennial of our great nation and all they can come up with is "Grand Olde Vanilla"? Really? Methinks Elsie--as the chief Borden ad mascot--pulled rank in this case, because son & hubby really had some better suggestions...

Pretty unexceptional ad here. But this product just makes me laugh. Are these appetizing to ANYONE? This stuff makes Spam look like filet mignon.
I remember back in 7th or 8th grade my friend Christina and I used to hang out in her backyard in her family's camper in May & early June when they were "airing it out" for the camping season. And one time we found a few cans of this crap in there that had been rattling around in the camper's cupboards since who the frig knows when and we opened 'em up out of curiosity. And one of us (I can't recall which one of us) called them "little belly button sausages" because it looked to us like a can full of outie belly buttons. And that's what I have called these things ever since. Because what the fuck do they have to do with Vienna anyways??

**This pic will expand if clicked on, BTW. I'm never sure (until after publishing) if Blogger will allow my images to do that or not.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Quite caught up on my beauty sleep


OY. I was crrrrazy lazy this a.m. and slept in until 1pm. Well, I woke up at 10:30 at which time I had to pee just the tiniest smidgen, but I was sooo comfily coocooned in my blankets that I couldn't be budged. Woke up again at 11:37 and, yep still had to pee, but I was so warm and snuggly that I dropped off for another hour and 22minutes of slumber. When I woke up the third & final time (at 12:59pm) I said to meself "okay this is redunkulous ...you're going to hurt your damn kidneys. What if you have to donate one of those one day?" But anyways, just goes to show you that my bladder can be quite easily subdued if properly swaddled in soft blankies.

Like most times I sleep away the morning, I dreamed a series of totally random, disjointed vignettes. I don't remember most of 'em, but in one dream mi amiga Jill and her sister Pam were models. And then right after that I dreamt I was travelling by train in a foreign country and this train had enclosed passenger cars and then these "open-air" cars . And I'm not sure what country I was in but outside there were tigers everywhere. Not particularly threatening tigers...they were kind of all just laying around. I guess they were SOO lackadaisical that I had no qualms about strolling out and riding in the open air car (it's tough to describe..it was sort of like the top of a double decker bus...except on a train car) but the tigers were jumping into the train...but they were still pretty chill once they got on the train too--lying around, licking themselves, pacing, sleeping. Still, methinks dreamSandra was nuts not to beat feet back to the enclosed car...

I wonder if your standard issue dream dictionary is apt to have an entry on tigers...??

Friday, January 25, 2008

Fourth & Final Grover Friday

Here is a scan of an inspirational Grover shot I have posted up on my desk:



One of about, oohhh a million or so pieces of "cubicle flair" I have surrounding me . I had to scan it because...even though I had found this on the web when I originally printed it, I can't find it anywhere online now. Which is a real pissah, because it's a color picture, but we can only scan things into black & white on this copier. If I coulda tracked it down online, I could've provided a pic with nice resolution & full, glorious Technicolor.

I tried my hand at colorization via my mad MS Paint spraypaint skillz, but ...mmmehh. See the wonky results for yourself....



So if you wanted...what you could do is print out either artsy B&W Grover or crrrazy Technicolor Grover (your choice! )and then you can post him up on YOUR cubby wall (or up on your office wall, or on the wall by your desk if you are not properly fenced in) and thereby you will feel closer to MOI, on account of our shared motivational propaganda. Good idea??

Here is a bonus Grover item-- a career compendium I found on Muppet Wiki. This chronicles all the various jobs that Grover has had during Sesame Street's 35+ year run. In a way, it corresponds with yesterday's post --me kvetching about my lack of direction. We are simpatico , Grov & me. He doesn't seem to know what he wants to be when he grows up either.

are you STING RAY ? are you FAY WRAY?

ARE YOU JIMMY RAY? (who wants to know? who wants to know?)Remember that song? I was rockin' out this a.m. on my commute to work to that one-hit wonder (I don't even know if you can call it that, as I'm not sure it qualifies as a "hit" "90s Blip on the Pop Music Radar" would be perfectly fitting, but it's also quite a mouthful)

Dunno why I was so cuckoo for Jimmy Ray this mornin'. Maybe I had some cheesy residue leftover on my disposition after watching "My Chaffeur" last night. Yeah, I kinda heart that movie (own it on DVD, don't I??) even though it's more or less a Harlequin novel on film. Deborah Foreman is truly charming though. It's too bad she doesn't act much anymore. But on the other hand...what roles would she get nowadays? I get the strong sense that she'd wind up as mom of {insert wholesome tween star/starlet's name here} on some Disney channel show. And perhaps it's better to get out of the biz early than wind up in that role.

Note the new link added to my sidebar (Fast Rewind). I was on there seeking out "My Chaffeur" (SHOCKINGLY omitted!!). While I was on there I was thinking...this is SUCH a faaabulous site...do I have a link to it on my blog? And then...(after checking) I CAN'T BELIEVE I didn't have this on my blog already! Insane! And thusly, it became a new addition to my links sidebar. As movie info goes, it's no rival to imdb (the undisputed MECCA of all cinematic knowledge...nyet! Strike that! it's not merely cinematic, it's anything EVER committed to film.. well, practically) But it does have better browse-ability than imdb. It's pretty much a stroll down 80s Movie Nostalgia Street... with these frequent stops to exclaim "Duuude! I forgot about that movie!! I loved that movie!"

In the course this 80s cinema reverie, 2 new DVDs wound up added to my Amazon wish list. My new must haves:





Well, I SHALL post again this afternoon, pets. Did you think I would forget it was Grover Friday on the very last Grover Friday?? Oh ye hath little faith....

Thursday, January 24, 2008

UVTI

Ok, so I remembered that I never filled y'all in on what went down on Tuesday night at that "information session" I went to with Laura. The program was not sketchy and since attending said info session, I have learned the name of it (I got that much out of it, at least) and that is Upper Valley Teachers Institute (or UVTI hasten to their website for the particulars, I'm too dang pooped to type it all out)

The abridged outcome-- I shan't be joining up. They manage to certify you in that abridged 10 month time period because you're at it 5days a week (1 day of "seminar" and then 4 days in a classroom as a "teaching intern") I'm sure it is a very fine program and every bit as highly regarded as they espouse, but it's better suited to that happy chunk of the population who is independently wealthy, or to couples able to eke out a living on one income. UVTI is federally funded, so I could get state $$ for the tuition, but as for groceries, gas, rent, bills etc. in that 10 month period...I would just have to make up hundreds of persuasively worded I.O.U s in my finest calligraphy , I suppose...

Laura said to me "Oh, well if you moved back home with Mom & Dad you could probably manage it." First of all, the truth of that is doubtful. Secondly, I don't care if it's a 10 month program that turns me into GOD, I'm not moving back in with my parents. Nooooooo thanks.

The definite highlight of the evening was my making an ass of myself with my nerves-induced verbal diarrhea. I was a little embarrassed, but was able to shrug it off easily on account of the good probability that I'd never see any of these people again. More than anything, I was pleased that I'd embarrassed Laura, since it was her STUPID fault I wound up there anyways.

Y'see the pow-wow was held around this long conference table, and there came a point where we were to go around the table, and on our turn we give our names, backgrounds, reasons for coming to the UVTI orientation thingy. You know, the standard shit. Well, everybody is giving a rundown of about the last 15 or 20 years of their lives and many of them had very relevant work experience (substitute teaching, paraeducators of special needs kids, etc) and they ALL have these extensive & very professionally impressive backgrounds and worst of all, they're all giving these very impassioned reasons for wanting to teach. Oy. First off, I was not feeling that I wanted to be all that forthcoming with these yahoos I barely know. And the whole exercise had me feeling out-of-place, and I didn't even really know just why I was there. My insecurities were swiftly awakening and they were pissing all over my natural eloquence. (everything needs a good piss after waking up, you know) I AM eloquent, damn it, but believe me when I say that it's hard to utilize the ol' eloquence when it's all soggy and waterlogged from metaphorical piss. And I wanted to be honest...and yet avoid the total candor of something like: "Hey, I'm not sure yet what the fuck I want to do with mi vida loca, but I sure thought a gig with summers off and beaucoup vaca besides would be rad. Am I right or am I right, people?" What I said was not much better. I actually copped a phrase from the blog post I'd typed about an hour before.

I said (roughly paraphrasing here)-- "Hi, my name is Sandra Lemire. I went to college and got a Bachelor's in World Lit and uhhh, nine years down the road I somehow found myself idling in this cubicle purgatory. I have this inner voice nagging me that I'm not doing with my life what I should be doing with my life...which is not to say I know what I should be doing with my life. So my sister {indicating Laura across the conf. table from me } knowing about this dilemma, suggested last night coming to this meeting. But I didn't really have ANY prior info about the program. So I kind of came here 'cold' ...for all I knew she was taking me to some van with painted-over windows. So I'm very glad to be here. . .in a conference room"

Compared to the other attendees...I was shockingly stingy with the detailed personal info. Surprising, really, that I volunteered my last name. I didn't give my alma mater name, any job history, I didn't give the name of my current company or even say what I do in my current job. Gotta retain that aura of mystery, eh? Well, that wasn't so much my goal but I sure accomplished it!

Also, I came off as very wishy-washy and vague re: my future goals. Although, I've known LOOOONG before Tues. night that I have a problem with that!! I think my trouble with setting professional goals is...well part of me, is exactly like Peter Gibbons (protagonist in the classic Office Space). He's hypothesizing with a friend over what he would do if he were financially set and didn't have to work. And he would do...NOTHING. He would sit on his ass and relax. I can totally see his viewpoint. A big part of me just wants money but doesn't want to work for it. Why should I have dreams of being a teacher? Or a writer? Or a bus driver? Or a butcher, baker , or mothafuckin' candlestick maker? In my heart I often just wanna be a vapid heiress like Paris Hilton, born into a lifetime annuity and picking up an occasional extra 20K to pop into someone's fete and coo "That's HOT!" Ahhhh but life and circumstance will push the whole career thing on me. Bah.

Don't fret my pets. I am not fully delusional. In my brain I realize the independently wealthy train has so left the station and I gotta do something to earn my daily bread (such as it is) And also.... part of the great pie chart that is Sandra feels she should make something of herself...that that's the honorable thing to do. I know....yuck. Do we label that pie wedge, "superego"?"Jiminy Cricket"??

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Riddle me THIS, foo'

Above you see a riddle I picked up in my web meanderings. I IMed it to both Lisa and Robin and they were all "Ohhh...I'm too busy with work to figure that out. I'm so diligent and nose-to-the-grindstoney. Ooo!" Well, I'm paraphrasing a bit there, but the fact remains that they wouldn't play at riddles with me. (waah)

It's kind of a bitch of a riddle, and I know it's calling out for an algebraic equation in order to crack it, and for that reason just reading it makes my brain feel all addlepated and ouchy. My immediate reaction was to head right for the answer, but I resisted that impulse until late in the evening. Well to be totally accurate, I didn't seek out the answer. I actually had Greg work on it, (after I'd given up, utterly frustrated) and he thought he'd had it solved but he went online to check the answer and announced he was WRONG ...it was actually the car was 18 months old and the tires were one year old. So it was really GREG who caved and looked up the answer. But uhh, I wouldn't have gotten it in a million years.

Here's another one that I like much better...



Answer is -- Baltimore

**Note: I used hide "secret answers" in my posts by typing them in white, but now that I have reformatted the blog, white text shows up just fine. I can't seem to get the text the exact right shade of purple to render it invisible. Well, this method will have to suffice. I've always wondered what the was the point of having that weirdo "webdings" font, now I guess I know...

if u don't cheat u don't try

I cheated today at "Doritos or Cheetos?" with Robin (reacquaint yourself with THIS post if you find you are perplexed) and got Fritos. It's the first time in a long time I stumped her, but I am more-or-less ethical, and so I assured her that the defeat would not be recorded on her permanent "Doritos or Cheetos?" record.

The other night (Monday, specifically) I came home from shopping at the CoOp (the CoOp is right near Margarita's and Laura & I walked over there after din-din) and it was about 8:40pm. I was ferociously hoping that American Gladiators came on at 9pm but that was sadly not the case. I was hoping for a 9pm start time, but deep down I knew it started up at 8. But they SHOULD start it at 9 and not only because I happened to come home at 8:40 the other night. Think of the children, dammit!! If American Gladiators came on at 9pm--when most kiddies have been tucked into bed-- it would greatly reduce the risk of kids emulating these jackass gladiators. I mean, do we want kids staging makeshift versions of "Joust" with throw pillows strapped to curtain rods?? OK, while it does show some commendable resourcefulness, you would still be pretty annoyed as you drove 'em to the ER.

So as it was, I didn't catch much more than The Eliminator. That was pretty entertaining though. One of the guys, though he wasn't a real commanding physical presence (or didn't appear to be anyway) managed a phenomenal time of 1 min 29 seconds. I was MOST impressed. And then, in contrast, I thought both the female contenders were going to drop. When one of the chicks finally crossed the finish line --well, there's not really a "line" per se...I suppose if I were being accurate I'd call it a "finishing wall" (of blocks)--anyways when one of the ladies finally finished, with all the speed and gusto of a stoned slug, I thought the first phrase she was going to wheeze into the Hulkster's mic was gonna be " I NEED A DOCTOR!" (it wasn't) I concede that if I were able to finish the Eliminator my time would be APPALLING and it might wreck me as well. But I can't help it...these chicks get interviewed before the Eliminator and they're all "Oh, yeah, THIS is really my event. I'm going to rip thru this thing and this is going to land me right in the Top 4". And so you see, I MUST laugh at 'em. Confidence is key, I understand this. But still I would find it SO refreshing if a contender was interviewed before an event and said "This is damned intimidating. I'm scared!!" Also, I am rather a superstitious type...if something like "I'm going to win" and/or "This is my event" sprang outta my mouth, I'd immediately thereafter think "Ohhh, SNAP! I just jinxed myself".

So after 20min. of American Gladiators, I put in my rad new DVD of "Harold & Kumar go to White Castle". I am not oblivious to how very stupid that movie is but it cracks me up nonetheless. Even the gross part with Freakshow and the Mrs. ...when they show him working on the car and singing (singing alone the 2 different parts of a call & response gospel song -"Hey Randy? ...What?") that CRACKS.MY.SHIT.UUUUP. Hys-friggen-sterical! I also love Harold's screaming fit after his car is stolen. By NPH, as it happens. I would be remiss if I didn't mention his pivotal cameo...who doesn't love NPH? Really...seriously..tell me who. I will hunt them down.

Oh wait...thought of somebody... Heather probably doesn't like NPH. Tuesday a.m. were rehashing our viewing choices of the previous night and when I mentioned watching Harold & Kumar, Heather responded "How can you watch stupid shit like that?" Hullo? This is the very same Heather who once espoused her love for the Cheech & Chong movie Nice Dreams. Yeah... Hi, Pot ? Remember me--Kettle? I do believe our black arses have met previously....

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger dead. Holy shit... how awful.

Every Brown in Town

My wardrobe goal today was to incorporate this totally cuddly chunky knit scarf that I got from my sis for Christmas. It's this dark brown with glittery threads in it. I guess it's dark brown , but the more I stare at it the more it looks like it might be dark brown with eggplantish undertones or just entirely eggplant colored. I'm not sure. I think I need my garment care tags to state somewhere on them a color name so it's not left up to my own judgement. This tag only tells me it's 100% Acrylic and from H&M (which I mightily appreciate...the H&M part, that is) So I didn't quite know how to mesh my outdoor accessories with indoor attire so I decided just to match "cuddly" with "snuggly" and wore my favorite cardigan. It's this shapeless shaggy thing that totally makes me think of Obi Wan Kenobe (the Ewan McGregor version..maybe that's why I LOVE it so!) It's a taupe colored sweater so it doesn't match up with the scarf so well. And then I thought I'd muddle things further with a tan tee shirt...clip on a tortoiseshell hair clip...throw on my light brown faux uggs.. It's a good thing my brown cords were in the wash(wound up wearing jeans instead) or I would have gone beyond overkill on the color. I would not look entirely out of place sheparding llamas in the Andes or somethin' like that. However, I did put on these lovely earrings I got from Jilly for Christmas. Well, they're in tones of brown too, but they're tres chic and the only thing that lets on that I'm really not a llama farmer.

Maybe psychically I got some telepathic memo from Robin. She had brown on today too. Laurel too. Eerie, no?

Today for lunch I had curried chicken salad (yum!) and 1/2 a container Moroccan beet salad (ugh... I made myself eat 1/2 the container...because beets are sooo good for me but...I repeat...UGH.. And I am the self-proclaimed kindred spirit of Captain Vegetable, so you KNOW it was seriously loathsome.)

I'm going tonight with Laura to some informational meeting about classes to become a teacher. She told me about it last night when we went to Margaritas-- apparently anyone with a bachelor's degree (I gots one) is eligible for this 10 month program that, if passed, nets you a teaching degree. According to L, the program has very high job placement. I've been told before that I should get in to the teaching racket, but I've just never thought it was a great idea for me to be molding & shaping young minds, y'know?? On the other hand, what's not to like about summers off and beaucoup holidays in between summers? I dunno. I'm mostly going because Laura's wanting to check it out and is not wanting to fly solo. But, I will have an open mind. Although, as you may have surmised, I have scant details about this program... let's hope I don't discover this "information session" is held in some van with painted-over windows....

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Triumphant Return of Cap'n Vegetable

The weekend was low-key and low-budget (just what I was requiring).

I hung out with the folks, did laundry & played Bejeweled (that game puts me in a damn trance!!) on Saturday and made a boiled dinner on Sunday. I had a ham to use up that the co. gave me last month for Christmas. I added beets to the boiled dinner, which is new for me.

I believe I was probably influenced by this article I read "The 10 Best Foods You're Not Eating" a list on which beets was the numero uno. Also on there was cabbage, which I LOVE and I do always put into my boiled dinner, but this time I doubled the amount (2 heads be better than 1, I say). Don't worry that I was overly swayed by this list--I managed to refrain from using guava or goji berries. But, aside from the aforementioned beets & cabbage, I put in beaucoup veggies : parsnips, carrots, onions, rutabaga, turnip, potatoes. It didn't seem like a ton of food when I was cooking, but--oy!!- after dinner, when I went to store the leftovers in Tupperware, I realized there was enough boiled dinner to feed a small country. (Liechtenstein, for instance) I sent some leftovers to my aunt & uncle but my parents will still be eating boiled dinner for at least a week.

Also on Sunday I was hell-bent on catching Masterpiece Theater ( Northanger Abbey this week) from the very beginning--regardless of where I happened to be at 9pm. Previously, I missed out on the 1st half hour of Persuasion and that pissed me off immensely (as you may well know). So, around 8pm ( when it became clear to me that I was not going to return to my abode until Monday) I slipped into the livingroom where my Dad was watching the Giants-Packers game. Now at that precise moment, he'd left the game to stoke the fire in the woodstove in the garage, so I was able to get my mitts on the remote. Dish allows you to set a timer for a program that will automatically switch the TV on to that channel at the start of the program. I rather surreptitiously set this timer for PBS at 9pm. So an hour later, I'm doing dishes and my Dad hollers to me, in a sort of befuddled voice, "Uhh, Masterpiece Theatre is on." And I'm all "Ohh!! I WANTED to watch that! However did you know??" And he's like "Did you do something with the remote?" It sure can be handy (sometimes) to be the most
technologically advanced in your clan.

I'd done a bit of research and saw that there was a later showing (at 1am) , so I offered to watch that if Dad was deeply invested in the Giants-Packers game. But, amazingly, he said Masterpiece Theater was OK and to leave it on. Maybe not so amazing...I did, after all, just prepare a ginormous ham. So, yeah, moral of the story: you can gain a good deal of clout in my family if you employ a bribe of HAM.
My Dad actually sat there in the armchair & watched Northanger Abbey with me. It was mildly annoying really...occasionally he would pipe in with the unnecessary query of "You like this stuff, huh?" To which, I just replied, "Yup". (I was so glad to be catching MT in its entirety that I didn't even bother with sarcasm. ) Also he kept nodding off and when he would wake up he'd ask questions about what was going on "Where is she now?Did they kick her out? What happened?" That was more irksome, but I was certainly inclined to cut some slack. I had offered to watch the 1am airing, but really didn't want to (as I had to wake up at 6:30am).
At times I had a tinges of guilt for monopolizing the TV and subjecting him to Jane Austen. I mean, I love the stuff, but it's a mite too frou-frou for most males I know. Ok, well ALL the menfolk I know. I really have no idea why Dad didn't retreat to the kitchen to read the paper (I'd expected him to).

Here's a wee taste of what I subjected the poor guy to...(oh by the way- if ever you intend to view this movie, and you're not keen on spoilers, DO NOT click the play arrow. This is the very end of it...the happily-ever-after bit...)

It's Monday again...

... and I'm back to pondering oddball shit. This cubicle does strange shit to my brain. So the fixation du jour: Richard Dawson. Well, it's not like it's totally out of the blue. Here follows the chain of banter that led me to Sir Dawson...


Robin was telling me about this high school crush of hers that she described as a "bad boy". And I said a bad boy in Claremont was apt to be seriously bad..he must have wound up in the hoosgow at some point. This remark launched me on a tangent about the word "hoosgow" which is my preferred euphemism for jail just because it strikes me as so off the wall. I actually learned the word from an episode of Family Feud where one of the questions was "Name a slang term for prison" and hoosgow--if you can believe it-- was THE #1 ANSWER! This totally floored me (particularly since I'd never heard of "hoosgow" at that point). How did "hoosgow" beat out "slammer"?? I always wondered how & where they conducted their "Survey Sez..." surveys. Whenever they made mention of The SURVEY on FF, I had this silly notion in my head of Mark Goodson Productions staffers (well, probably interns ) going door -to-door with clipboards (like doing the census) "Hello ma'am...are you familiar with the television program FAMILY FEUD?? Well, if I could have a moment of your time..." That's right boy...open with "Family Feud" ...they will be powerless to deny you once they know that Family Feud is involved. Anyways, I'm wondering if the "Name a slang term for prison" survey was conducted entirely in a state that has wonky oddball dialect in general... like maybe Minnesota or thereabouts. Anyways, had I been a contestant on that FF episode I would've objected. "Ah, Richard, no sir. I don't buy it. I would like to SEE the survey, if I can please.." So anyways I was exclaiming to Robin the utter ridiculousness of "hoosgow" being the #1 slang term for prison, and I added "well, I get very worked up watching Family Feud anyways" But then I further stipulated: "well, just when I watch the Richard Dawson-hosted episodes."

And thusly I came to be contemplating the fascinating Mr Richard Dawson. Presently, I feel the most astounding thing about him is that he truly is RETIRED. It seems to me to be a rare thing for someone in show biz to really retire, stick to it, and be content with it. I say --Good for you, Dawson!! To hell with fame--just golf, and travel and spend your money! Cheers! On the other hand, I wouldn't mind seeing him on the telly again.
Anyways, as is my custom when my mind is in thrall to some arbitrary subject, I hastened to wikipedia to do some half-ass research. Here are 3 things I learned...
1. He was the motivation for the-powers-that-be @ The Match Game to change the bonus round to include a "celeb panelist wheel" the contestant had to spin to determine which celeb they would team up with to play the bonus round. Previously, the contestant simply picked which celeb they wanted to work with. Well, after Dawson had been a Match Game regular for a while, contestants were SO apt to choose him as a bonus round partner (wiki more specifically claims "most contestants would choose him 3 to 1 over the other five panelists ") that they instituted said wheel. After I read this, I reminisced over my own limited viewership of Match Game (I was on quite a Match Game kick for a while actually) and it made perfect sense. Dawson was always my favorite panelist--for many reasons, with one of them being that he was the only one on the show who consistently had his wits about him.

2. Richard is currently married to some Gretchen lady *whom he met when she was a Family Feud contestant in the early '80s* This amuses me immensely. It made me think "So his trademark smoochiness was not just for show, eh?" Remember that? He was all over the contestants. That's why the guy--in my book-- is THE host of Family Feud. He hosted the hell outta that show AND made being a total lech look cool. Al Borlin could not pull that off, dude.
3. There is actually a fan site called The Richard Dawson Experience. I have provided here a link but feel free to skip it. It's one of those "angelfire" pages and every bit as crappy as those sites tend to be. Without ever beholding the site, the mere fact that there is an existant "Richard Dawson Experience" webpage strikes me as damn funny. I had a quick peek around the site (no in-depth spelunking) but I read the bio of this site proprietor that just makes me feel tremendously cool by comparison. (shit, that's quite catty. I may be cool/coolish now, but I am bound for hell for sure. Specifically that ring reserved for petty, mean, girls) Site master is, surprisingly not 56, she is 26 and it sounds, from my cursory psycho-analysis of her self-penned bio, like she's got her share of social handicaps to contend with.

Friday, January 18, 2008

the huffle of a snail in DANGER!!

I had to post this A.A. Milne poem because it is beaucoup ADORABLE (I particularly like that phrase " huffle of a snail in danger" and I wonder at what such a huffle sounds like exactly..)
Appreciation of this poem is especially apropos today as A.A. Milne was born Jan 18, 1882.
The Four Friends
Ernest was an elephant, a great big fellow,
Leonard was a lion with a six foot tail
George was a goat, and his beard was yellow,
And James was a very small snail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leonard had a stall, and a
great big strong one,
Earnest had a manger, and its walls were thick,
George found a pen, but I think it was the wrong one
And James sat down on a brick
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Earnest started trumpeting, and cracked
his manger,
Leonard started roaring, and shivered his stall,
James gave a huffle of a snail in danger
And nobody heard him at all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Earnest started trumpeting and raised such a rumpus,
Leonard started roaring and trying to kick,
James went on a journey with the goats new compass
And he reached the end of his brick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ernest was an elephant and very well intentioned,
Leonard was a lion with a brave new tail,
George was a goat, as I think I have mentioned,
but James was only a snail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~FIN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How freakin' adorable is that??
We also have Milne to thank for this (was going to embed the vid, but I didn't want it to have to compete with Revolutionary War hero Grover from earlier).
Uhhh, behind-the-scenes note here...blogger is PISSING ME RIGHT THE &^%#@ OFF. It seems to have problems taking instruction when I'm misappropriating famous poetry or something... it wouldn't let me insert a line of space between stanzas and then it wouldn't accept any space between the poem's end and "How freakin' adorable is that?" MOST irksome. The only way I could rig the post so that it looked halfway decent is to fill the "space" with characters. Hence my excess of ~~~ in this friggen' post.
Grr. Anyways...ciao babies. Hope y'all have a terrif weekend!

GROVER & a side order of US History

I love this...



Now, I know that the Delaware River region must have been a mite chilly that December but still... does this not look like a North Pole set??? Ahh whatever.. I really love that swanky voice they gave Washington....

Bitching & Moaning

I know today is GROVER FRIDAY and I fully intend to continue that tradition, but I have to first post my kvetchings about SCORECARDS.


This is this utterly moronic waste of time that I have to engage in today, as our personal scorecards are due in by the end of today and I have deferred the displeasure until the very last minute.


Take a look at this idiot form I have to fill out & turn in to the bosslady--


If this was more than a moot formality, if it had any impact at all on my paycheck, then maybe I wouldn't be so dismissive of (and annoyed by)the practice. But it's naught more than another hoop for us peons to jump through, and I haaaaate it!!

I keep coming back to the movie The Breakfast Club, specifically how Anthony Michael Hall "takes one for the team" and writes the detention essay for everybody. I wish one of my coworkers was noble like that (and would either do my scorecard or do one collective scorecard for everybody) Heather also has put off her scorecard 'til this afternoon , and she appealed to me to do hers too. Her argument? "But you're so ELOQUENT!" Ahh, flattery will get you everywhere, dear. . . most of the time.
Unfortunately, eloquence is no asset when it comes to this task. They don't want your eloquence, they want you to parrot back their corporate jibba-jabba. I don't quite have the stomach for it. I suppose I can see the need for boorish self-promotion when you write a resume (still, I'm really horrible at resume writing) because you're trying to snag a job. But once I have a job, I don't want to have to regularly compose a treatise (even a treatise in Microsoft Excel format) about how I'm a valuable addition to the g-damn team. My performance should speak for itself. Management can see whether I'm doing a good job or not, why do I have to tell them I'm doing a good job (or not)? Do I think they genuinely give a rat's arse about how I think I am doing? Are they going to give this as much weight as their own perception? HELL NO.

And yet...and yet....

It's a good thing to have a job...especially when you are the friggen mayor of Debt City. So I'm going to go do my scorecard now. But I REFUSE to cease the mumbling of profanity while I do it....it helps me get in the proper "zone"

Thursday, January 17, 2008

a soupçon of banter...





"Soupçon", by the way, is a new acquisition to my vocabulary. You know how I quite enjoy the sporadic lapse into français . This new term means a trace, a little bit. (Pronunciation available here , if you genuinely give a shite) The sound of it is a little to pretentious to be slipped casually into discussion, but I think I will throw it into my written patter on occasion.

Another thing I learned about today is "tilting at windmills". I didn't so much learn it as rediscover it. See, I'd read that today is the 403rd anniversary of the first publication of Cervantes' Don Quixote . And that got me to mulling over the term "tilting at windmills" which I'd heard before, and I knew it owed its origins to Cervantes' big novel, but I wasn't entirely sure what it meant. I haven't ever read Don Quixote but I did know there were windmills in it, that the titular Don hallucinates to be something else. Anyways I looked up "tilting at windmills" and got the full 411...

"Tilting at windmills is an English idiom which means "attacking imaginary enemies." The word “tilt,” here, means “fight.” This idiomatic phrase originated in the novel Don Quixote, and is often used today in reference to persistent engagement in a futile activity. At one point in the novel, Don Quixote fights windmills that he imagines to be giants. Quixote sees the windmill blades as the giant's arms "

I think it was the use of the word "tilting" to mean "attacking" that threw me off. But anyways....me likey. It's a rather poetic turn of phrase. Not only do I want to integrate it into everday conversation more frequently, but it also has the makings of a marvelous title. Y'know like "chartreuse poop" from last week.




THIS seems like common knowledge. Who exactly needed a poll to figure this out?



I'M not scared of clownies. . . but I know about a hundred people who are.

Fibs....

I was watching TV with Lucy and Sadie last night and Sadie says to me-apropos of nothing-- "People shouldn't pick their nose a lot, because it will bleed. Right, Auntie?"
This, I presume, is some alarmist propaganda propagated by Laura because she's grossed out watching her kids pick their nose all the time. I happen to be a frequent nasal excavator and know for a fact that it doesn't induce bleeding. (yikes!) So, while I was compelled to reply "Hogwash! Dig on, Li'l Digger...no harm shall befall you" I dare not overtly naysay my sister. So after a contemplative pause I instead answered "Hmm. I don't know. Depends on what you pick with"

I was recalling this episode this morning and it moved me to think of those funny little white lies fed to us by our parents. I brought it up as fodder for office discourse, but Heather (who has a 3yr old named Hailey) insisted she never fibs to her daughter. I'm going to give her the bennie of the d and pretend she's for real about that. So, yeeeeah, I am just in awe of her then. I can't fathom raising a kid (or plural kids) without the aide of little white lies.

Two from my childhood immediately spring to mind...

The first one is sorta along the lines of my sister's nose picking lie. . . but grosser. I remember my mother saying, on several occasions, that excessive time on the toilet would give one hemorrhoids. (quick tangent: WHY is hemorrhoids so hard to spell? I had to rely on the Merriam Webster site to assist me. It's a really fucked up spelling--that 2nd "h" in particular. That's just needless..) I don't recall spending oodles of time on the toilet, but I must have been too poky for my mother's liking. And really, to be honest, if there was a Woman's World lying around, I am prone to reading on the can.

Also really funny is that on the rare occasion when me and/or my sister were being hellacious, and her standard "Wait until YOUR FATHER gits home!!" was proving ineffectual (I dunno, perhaps it's around noon and, with over 5 hrs until Dad's ETA, it just was not an imminent enough threat) she would make a pretend call. To the po-po. "Yes, Officer Smith. My children are being criminally naughty. Will you please come and arrest them?" This only really worked on me. My sister never bought it for a second but would let me panic for 10 min or so. Obviously she only attempted this a coupla times, because : a) it too was ineffectual and b) even I would've caught on if she pulled this frequently.
I suppose there were a thousand other fibs & ruses employed in my upbringing. These stick out in my memory because they were so big & ludicrous. The really good lies I either forgot or never knew about...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Sign That I Need to Cut Down on the Multi-tasking

So today at work I was en route to the ladies room and I grabbed one of these lens cleaning moist towelettes out of the dispenser hung up on the wall. See, I knew I was about to have a few moments of downtime...and I was damned well going to be efficient about it (y'know--empty bladder, clean glasses, that whole 2birds/1 stone paradigm)

OK cut to 1.3 seconds later, and, well not to be too graphic but, I'm uhh, shall we say, enthroned, and about to commence with the glasses-washing.While I'm ripping open this little towelette packet, my ripping hand knocks into my glasses-holding hand and my glasses sprang outta my grasp and-- SPLURRRSH!-- landed right in the toilet. Oh yes. The toilet I had just pissed in, as it so happens. So that was just g.d. LOVELY.

And, like I said, possibly an indication that I multi-task excessively...

Comanche Moon

Apart from this Muppet Show kick, the only other thing I've been watching is this Comanche Moon miniseries. Interesting juxtaposition. Here is some visual aide goodness...




IMDB won't let you "steal" (right click & save) any of their publicity stills so I had to work around that by alt+Print Screen , pasting my screen caps into Paint, and then selecting just the desired pic, copy & paste to a new Paint doc. Now, since I had to go thru all that rigamarole, I figure I might as well get some collage action happenin'.

In the upper left hand pic we have a character called "Famous Shoes" (guess which one?) which I mention simply because that's one of the more awesome Indian names I've ever heard. If I were an Indian, I would like a name like that, although I feel sure they didn't just arbitrarily name themselves. One would have to earn a nickname. I imagine Famous Shoes got his on account o' him being a much sought-after scout.(But what do I know??) Also worth noting about Famous Shoes...he is a Kickapoo. Huh ha huh-huh..kickapoo.


In the lower picture we see the fabulous Val Kilmer who plays Inish Scull. He doesn't look like this in most of the movie (thus far anyhow....part III airs tonight) he looks like roadkill. But ol' Val Kilmer is charming enough to transcend any grody exterior. He's got a different accent but is sort of channeling his inner Doc Holiday (from Tombstone which indisputably owes 99.9% of its rad-ness to Kilmer's Doc). He gets taken prisoner and is hanging there in this primitive stick-work cage (as I recall him doing in some scene in Willow ) and he is belting out opera in German (which he did NOT do in Willow) to keep his spirits up...I SO appreciate that. I should like to learn to sing opera in some foreign language just for the remote possibility that I am taken captive and I'll have this grand and fabulous way to simultaneously keep my spirits up and annoy the piss outta my captors. That would be great, but 'tis pretty ambitious, so my back-up goal is to master the Modern Major General song (no bilingualism required...just monster lung capacity). Anyways back to the Inish Scull character...near the end of his confinement he's looking a bit like Kilmer did in The Doors but the bloated, death's-door version of Jim Morrison....plus scabs and fleas.

Karl Urban (upper right side pic) gets featured here solo because .. .siiigh....he is just FINE. In a very smoldery sorta way. Which is not to belittle the draw of Steve Zahn (upper left pic, crotch shot) . I LOVE Steve Zahn. He's not real smoldery, but he has his own appeal. I think the most applicable adjective would be "adorable". Is it insulting to call a grown man adorable? Sorry Zahn, but you are.

Judging from most of the rumblings on IMDB, the majority of viewers kinda detest this movie. Seems though, that most detractors are these diehard Western buffs/people who've read the source novel. Don't know why these people should be all crotchety...Larry McMurtry had a big hand in the screenplay...so if he doesn't take umbrage with deviations from the book then..then..just simmer the hell down. But admittedly, I am dabbler in this genre so am consequently very easy to please. I look at a Western like it's any other period drama...like to look at the men in old timey threads, and care more about the romantic denoument than I do about the horsemanship or the authenticity of the Comanche dialect or what have you. Although, the romantic denouement in this prequel is a foregone conclusion (a shitty one) as I've seen Lonesome Dove and therefore know that McCrae & Call wind up lonely old workaholic geezers. But still, I find it an enjoyable enough way to pass 2hrs...on account of Zahn's utter affability (rather, his adorable affability) Kilmer's quirk, and Urban's hot silent smolderyness (I mean, he's seriously silent... they give him an approximate 2 minutes of total dialogue per 2 hr installment).





Ah, 'tis the Circle of Life

Some cheerier news to offset my last posting...

"Stoked and wowed" huh? I am charmed by that quote from his online journal. Only the Great McConaughey-hey-hey could phrase it like that and come off charmingly offbeat and not just WEIRD.

How SAD

Brad Renfro dead at 25...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

the look of my current desktop

I went with vintage fashion illustration...

Historical Niblets

Here are some interesting happenings from January 15ths of yore (let it be noted: interesting happenings that are not famous birthdays. See, I have a bit of range-- I do general history!!)


January 15th 1885-- Wilson "Snowflake" Bentley takes the first ever photograph of a snowflake.



January 15th 1919-- The Boston MOLASSES Disaster
Ok, it was (as the name suggests) a disaster and a tragic one with 21 deaths and over 100 injuries. But I think, 89 years later enough time has passed that I can snigger at this without seeming horribly insensitive. You can avail yourself of the above link and read ALL about it, but I must paste just this wee excerpt --

"..occurred on January 15 1919, in the North End neighborhood of Boston, Massachussets . .. A large molasses tank burst and a wave of molasses rushed through the streets at an estimated 35 mph (56 km/h), killing 21 and injuring 150. The event has entered local folklore, and residents claim that on hot summer days the area still smells of molasses. "
When we do not learn from history's mistakes we are doomed to repeat them (that's somebody-or-other's famous quote that I bastardized there) and clearly what is to be learned from this calamity is that one should NOT underestimate molasses. Seems its poky reputation is quite misleading. Sure, 35 mph is not breaking the flippin' sound barrier...but it ain't too shabby (in JANUARY no less!!)
I told Heather that I may procure a/ some molasses cookie(s) for an apres din-din snack for tonight. A "cookie of remembrance" of sorts. . .

the CULTURE I missed out on in my formative years!!

One of my more frivolous recent purchases is Season One of The Muppet Show on DVD. I'm buying stuff outta order, as I'd already picked up Season Two. My consumer Achilles heel extends to all things Henson, though, as I am also proud owner of Sesame Street Old School DVD sets--volume 1 and 2. I try to get people (namely, my sis and parents) to buy this stuff for me for birthdays/ Christmas but they NEVER take the hint! Or maybe, the hint is taken, capably perceived, but my sister/parents just can't bring themselves to buy The Muppet Show for a 30 year old. Hell, I have no problem with it..don't know why it should bother them.

Since TV has been utter crap for ohhh, about a month now (with the notable exceptions of Comanche Moon & Jane Austen January) I've been watching a lot of DVDs. And since getting Muppet Show Season 1 --just last Fri night-- I've been watching that. The DVDs have this bonus feature they dub "Muppet Morsels" which has relevant trivia pop up onscreen during the episode. So, it's The Muppet Show a la Pop-up Video. Anyways, this trivia text always mentions--during these absolutely terrific Rowlf sketches-- "This was a UK spot, originally unaired in the U.S." I feel so GYPPED!! First off, let it be known that Rowlf is my most favorite Muppet. Well..he ties with Grover. But as Muppet Show Muppets go, he is numero uno. And these UK bits were all very culturally rich sketches (relatively speaking). To think, I was deprived of this so I could be subjected to extra commercials?? Really burns my Eggos, man.


I guess there is no better way to fully drive my point home than to give you a li'l taste of what we US tots missed out on...




In answer to Sam's query...I have posted below the definition of "obdurate" (a smashing vocab word, methinks)

Another fine sketch...Beethoven is the cat's jammies.....

Monday, January 14, 2008

I had a swell weekend.


Slept in till quarter of noon on Saturday and then mooched a free lunch off my parents. I was going to be a good li'l poppet and get something small or even (if I was really virtuous) a salad. But I was eyeballing the "Steakburgers" on the 99 menu and I was SOOO hankering for protein. They have really terrif burgers at the 99. So yeah, I went with the bacon cheeseburger.


Later..I watched Zodiac. Overall, I liked it. It piqued my interest in that whole Zodiac Killer case...as it is I tend to be drawn to those more macabre bits of history. I'm not much of a Jake Gyllenhall fan but there were other swell actors in the flick to enjoy--most notably Robert Downey Jr (but also I like Mark Ruffalo & Donal Logue) . I gotta say though -- the movie's got a 157 minute run time but I felt like I was watching for the full 34 years that the narrative spans. To me, the standout scary moment was that quick cameo by Ione Skye (as a motorist in DEEP distress ).

Then Sunday I picked up Roxanny and took a cruise up to Burlington. We met up with Jill at Breugger's Bagels for lunch and then the happy trio bummed around the Church St vicinity all day. Had a delish Mexican din-din. It was a very good day... I'm thankful the snowstorm held off until very early 1/14 a.m. to commence.

Sunday night I had a telly conflict-- have been wanting to see Comanche Moon for a while, but also Jane Austen January was starting up on PBS, and y'all know what an utter FREAK I've been about that. Oh, just to fully illustrate the depth of my fanaticism..I should detail in just what manner I watched Persuasion (yep, I opted to tape Comanche, so all is not lost). The movie started at 9pm and I didn't get home until 9:25 or so and I was all in a dither about missing the beginning. So I walked in the door--having a slight urge to use the loo--but instead went directly to the couch, flicked on to PBS. I thought...my urinary needs can wait until the first commercial break. Hey..tip for any newcomers to Masterpiece Theater (or those like me who haven't watched it in quite a while) there are NO commercial breaks. I watched the entire rest of the movie with my jacket on , keys on my belly, and I didn't go to the bathroom until the damn thing was over. I mean, I didn't examine it at the time, but looking at it retrospectively, that seems a smidgen, ummmm, extremist to me. Ah well.

It still PISSES me off that I missed such a hunk of the movie. I mean, I know the story, so it's not as if I didn't know what was going on. But I am nonetheless vexed. I am, with all movies, fanatical about watching them from the absolute beginning. I'm not one of those people who can be flipping around the channels and see a movie I've wanted to see that's already progressed 1/3 the way through and sit there and watch it. I just can't bear to watch it. Not even if it's a movie I know & love, have seen 500 times and know the dialogue verbatim. I still have to catch it totally ab ovo, or skip it entirely.

So, knowing this quirk of mine, it really speaks volumes (about how stoked I was for Jane Austen January) that I even watched the remainder of Persuasion.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Unintentional Pattern

Grover Fridays all January long here at your fave blog!!

I totally didn't mean to get all Grovery two Fridays in a row but I certainly am not displeased by the trend. Y'all know I heart the guy.

I'm gonna keep it up for the remainder of the month...

Piiiick a pecka peppers

This is to compensate for the fact that I can't bring myself to compose a proper post today.


I watched this this past Sunday with Lucy (on one o' my Sesame Street Old School Volume 2 DVDs) and all afternoon thereafter I couldn't stop myself from singing "Piiiick a pecka peppers" (more in the manner of Grover than Kahn). I defy you to watch it and not be affected the same way...

Burrrrrrito Especiale

MMMMmmm I am so blissed out on my delicious Mexican lunchie that I can't even come up with anything to say.

Well nothing besides: MMmmmmmmmmm

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Celebrity birthdays...the refuge of the weary blogger. Well, I guess that's not universally true. I tend to fall back on said topic, that's for sure. But I really only share these when they're somewhat interesting. I mean, it's not as if I'm composing paragraphs in tribute to Brian Austen Green's birthday or anything. Sorry to slight BAG, there, but I felt it necessary to illustrate that, though I might be doling out uninspired triviality here, I am not quite scraping the bottom of that barrel yet.

Anyways...January 10th b-days of note...let's do this thang...


ETHAN ALLEN ..born this day in 1738. Unless you're a historian-type or a proud Vermonter, you're thinking "Furniture guy?" There is a furniture brand named after E, but as far as I know, he didn't himself craft furniture. He could've if he wanted, of that I have no doubt. Ethan was sooo boss. If I were born 237 years or so earlier than I was, I mighta been a militia wench/groupie. Now I'm just an ordinary wench and it's not nearly so charming nowadays.

CHARLES INGALLS **AND** MARY INGALLS (1836 &1865 respectively)

How kooky is that shit? Charles & Caroline's firstborn was born on his birthday!! (His 29th birthday, if you're all insistent I do the math about it) Y'know, back in my faithful Little House viewing days, I always perceived a slight favoritism toward Laura on Pa's part. Most obviously, with the whole nickname snub. Pa was always "Half-pint this" and "Half-pint that" and "Yadda yadda yadda Half-pint. Awww, Half-pint!" but I don't recall him calling Mary anything other than. . .Mary. I'd dismissed it though. I thought I may have misapprehended the case, on account of my own bias toward Laura. And even if that favoritism were there and deliberate, I figured that element was fictionalized for the TV show. This fact has me thinking...perhaps not. I mean, he had to share all of his birthdays with her. If you're any sort of birthday fiend that's got to annoy you somewhat. Or maybe he just didn't like having a blind kid. JUST KIDDING!! TV Pa was completely awesome about it. I haven't read any of those books but I'm sure Book Pa was equally awesome. Real Life Pa...well, certainly he might've struggled but he seems like a decent enough fellow, I'm sure he was more or less awesome about it (I'd like to think so anyways). So I'm sure Pa was just as good to Mary as he was to Two Ounce. But not in RealLife Mary's favor is the sad fact that Adam Kendall was a totally made up dude and she never got to actually marry a hunky blind guy (or any guy for that matter). Perhaps it was just the show writers' small way of establishing a measure of justice in the world. Sure, Mary went blind and that is a fer-sure pisser...but the Little House writers evened the score by hooking her up with that dreamy Adam while Laura wound up with amiable-enough-but-not-nearly-so-handsome Almanzo. And to further balance the scales, they didn't change Almanzo's dorky first name.

Real life?? Not quite so fair & even.


And slightly more recently in famous b-days ..Grigori "Mad Monk" Rasputin was born Jan 10 1869. I don't really want to re-hash Rasputin's epic bio, but I can't refrain from mentioning the weird mythos of dead 'sputin's wang . So, Marie Rasputin (Mad Monk's daughter) acquired the member sometime in the 20s from some coven of Russian she-loonies, and when Marie died (in 1977) this dude Michael somebodyorother bought a slew of her belongings (member included) which he then parlayed to Bonham's auction house and auction house experts soon identified the supposed "penis" as a sea cucumber. That's right -A SEA CUCUMBER! That's effing hysterical!!! Ok wait, wait...




That anecdote is much more comical when accompanied by a photo of a sea cucumber.







Here we go.












But heeey, with or without visual aide, that's funny shit there. Consider the 2 possible situations...
Scenario A: Someone probably thought themselves quite clever in engineering this switcheroo. Somewhere in this bizarre chain of acquisition, some smartass said to themselves "We've replaced your revered Russian phallic artifact with a shrivelled up echinoderm. Let's see if anyone notices, shall we?" It's totally like those rad old Folger's Crystals commercials...except with famous mad monk penii.
Scenario B: Rasputin had a sea cucumber penis. Need I explain how that's funny?

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

chartreuse poop

This term is something my sister said on the phone today that's been resonating in my head. I talked to Lucy for a bit (and I must here interject that she is exceptionally intelligible on the phone for a wee moppet of 3yrs old. Easier to talk to on the phone than my mom is) and she told me she had a "bad poop". Laura evidently didn't find "bad" to be a descriptive enough adjective, because when she got back on the phone she further enlightened me that Lucy had a CHARTREUSE b.m. Lovely.
Maybe it's the repeated "oo" sound that makes it such a catchy set of words. It's got the makings of a smashing title of somethin'-or-other. A book of poetry? An album? Hmm.. dunno. I don't quite have a use for it at the moment, but if ever I'm publicly racking my brain for a title suggestion for somethin'-or-other, remember to lob that suggestion at me, OK??

Here's a news item that caught my eye. Another case of "WHYYYY DO I READ THIS STUFF?" (like yesterday's post...incrementally less revolting) OK, in light of the Revelations passage they cite in the article, I can kinda see this dude's bat-guano-loco rationale but the question that remains, methinks, is : why microwave the hand?? Was that to ensure it couldn't be re-attached? Perhaps he simply got his Hot Pocket and his severed hand switched around in the most grisly case of absent mindedness EVER.

Now, from time to time I like to cleanse my mental palette (after reading up on all the day's homicidal maniacs/bizarro dismemberments, etc) with a cute little "soft news" piece such as a new baby at the zoo. And so I click on "Rare baby aye aye born at Bristol Zoo". After looking at the accompanying photos, methinks the name for this exotic mammal should be aagh-AAAGH! I think the images of that yucky little varmint are going to give me worse nightmares than the "mark of the beast hand microwaver guy". I will , of course, give you a link but I forewarn you it's only for the stout hearted. Eeek..that second picture, especially looks like some phony composite created by Weekly World News using their archaic Photoshop methods (à la BAT BOY )

Holy ChartreusePoop Batboy, I know I've been a smidge link-happy today (on account o' me being still to feeble to generate any original wit) but I do heartily recommend that last link. Having passed up all issues of WWN (Batboy related or otherwise) with an offended sneer, this is the first I've read of Batboy's epic life story. That half- bat freakshow sure has been busy while I've been ignoring him all these years...