Friday, April 27, 2007
I picked this particular pic because of the mysterious backstory. Here we have something going on-- it's not someone simply standing there, exuding elegance, whilest sporting the latest fashions. I've ascertained that they're at some sort of revels being staged at a fantastically rich (possibly titled) person's country estate. They've made the tennis courts a makeshift stage and set up a tent for the audience. Isn't that so terrific, how rich people of yore used to do that shit?? Like when they "entertained" for a weekend, they weren't just bandying that word about in vain. They would have an acting troupe perform a private play OR even quainter...they would take it upon themselves to stage "amateur theatricals". Or go on a fox hunt and have grand formal picnics. Siiiigh! How wonderfully classy. Feels sometimes as if I was born in the wrong era /socio-economic class / country ....
ANYHOODLE, back to the drawing in question -- my coworker Lisa disputes the country estate part of my theory, she thinks this crowd is in an amphitheatre. But look at those chairs and tell me that's the seating of a bona fide amphitheatre!! Come on! Those are obviously borrowed from the formal dining room of Viscount Somebodyorother, right??
Now, the couple in the foreground , why are they ignoring the performance? What up above them, has snared their attention? My immediate guess is that the duo has spied a bat clinging to the tent ceiling. I think it a true testament to their utter elegance (internal as well external) that they appear so nonchalant about this sighting. Were I the elegant madam in this scenario, you can bet your Afghan hound that I would NOT be gesticulating with my silken fan..NOOO, I would use it to cover my noggin as I dove for the ground. I have a scary history of indoor bat encounters. Perhaps that's why I immediately conclude that these people are staring upwards at a bat. I suppose it could be a rip in the tent or a UFO , who the hell knows? Feel free to share your theories if any overtake ya...
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Well last Wednesday I found that I had another blank tape all this time. I felt like:Ooooh..here's a chance to record some show that my dumbass job prevents me from watching everyday. Except that I feel pretty good about weening myself off the soaps (no nutritional value whatsoever). So I thought...what daytime show do I wish I could stay home and watch everyday?? Pre1985, the answer to that would undoubtedly have been SESAME STREET . But my love for the Street is not what it once was. Not on account of my growing up though (don't fret).
So, ultimately, I went from the excessively juvenile to the waaaay other end of the spectrum. I am now taping The Price Is Right everyday. I genuinely DO love me some TPIR (that's what we devotees call it). Even though I am bummed about Bob Barker's impending retirement, it's certainly understandable. Dude is OOOOLD! And really, his job can be rather dangerous. I mean, he has to spot everybody spinning THE BIG WHEEL and most of 'em spin like they're trying to get the $1. space and a double hernia. But even more frightening is the crazed Barker groupies... The other day I watched when this Hispanic lady named Esperanza (who I would place in her 60s somewhereabouts) was called to "COME ON DOOOOWWN!" and loco abuela totally bypassed Contestant's Row and got on stage to accost poor Bob!! She was jogging right at him, and shaking her fists in the air and making these inarticulate "EEeeee!" noises. Poor Bob! He had to run away and dart behind the camera man!! He is too old to be running and darting! He is liable to bust a hip! And a lot of the old ladies in the TPIR audience have this really scarily excessive Barker-fever. I mean, Esperanza was the only one I've seen that couldn't keep it in check until she won a pricing game and gained legitimate entre to the stage, but ALL the old ladies are too up in Bob's grill. They get on stage and practically hump the poor guy's leg!
You know what **I** would never ever do, if ever, by God's good Grace, I made it on TPIR? Well, aside from dry humping Bob Barker I mean....(never say NEVER right? ha ha ha)
I would never, as last to bid on Contestant's Row, bid $1 higher than the highest bid. It might be strategically smart but there's more important things than smart strategy. Like consideration. Or a little thing called sportsmanship. Like POSESSING A MODICUM OF HUMAN DECENCY, DAMN IT! I really hate players that do that.
Something I don't get about TPIR prize packages. .. they seem to (have always seemed to) toss things together in a very arbitrary fashion. Particularly on the prize packages that the Contestant's Row Posse bid on. You know what I mean, right? If you've watched more than a few TPIR episodes than surely you have heard "And to the winner of this handsome grandfather clock goes a supply of Garlique! Garlique: the odor free, drug free, all-natural way to better cardiovascular health!"
What the fuck does Garlique have to do with the price of beer in Paraguay*? Or grandfather clocks either for that fucking matter?? I love you TPIR, but I swear, sometimes I think the braintrust that puts on this show is as dotty as its octagenarian fan base!!
Another thing I've noticed about the show, as I resume my viewership after a long absence... The homemade Tshirt , once the mark of a creative, enterprising minority, is now most definitely de rigueur. Those things are ALL OVER the damn audience!! I don't think all those people are that crafty... I highly suspect there is one or two go-to cheezy gift shops in the vicinity of CBS Studios out in CA that makes a killing selling these things. "Don't Retire, Bob!" "I've Had my Husband Spayed!!" Wow, with all that witty cotton, I imagine the pressure to distinguish oneself is TREMENDOUS.
Also very noticeably new on this show is the substandard announcer. I mean, OBVIOUSLY, you're not going to ever, ever be able to hire on another Rod Roddy, but I'm sure they could've done better than whatever schlub they've got as announcer presently. He is CRAP. Well, if TPIR lives on after Barker's retirement, they should replace lamearse-announcer-dude (SOOO unimpressive that his name is incapable of sticking in one's memory) when they recast host. I read some rumor about Mario Lopez being in talks for Barker's job. He's definitely robust enough to handle some excitable Seniors molesting him but... ehhh. The idea just don't sit right with me. Ideally (per moi)they would rig up some sort of animatronic Bob Barker to host the show for a few more decades. But in lieu of Robo-Barker, I'd like to see Chuck Woolery on TV more. Or Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke could do it. I'd be down with that.
* probably you thought I was going to say "the price of tea in China" That's what I'd meant but my innate abhorrence of cliches physically prevented my from typing that...hence..beer, Paraguay, etc . Hope that clears up any confusion
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Although I feel strongly that this poster would be a fantastic addition to my cubicle, I could never bid on it. I'm a little wary of ebay to begin with, but aside from that whole issue, I am pretty certain that this poster is still somewhere at my parents house. Maybe in the darkest, cobwebbiest corner of the cellar furnace room...or possibly rolled up on the top shelf in a closet-waaay at the back, and under a buttload of other junk. It's in that house somewhere. And so I cannot buy it.
Same goes for my old License to Drive poster, the Duran Duran poster, the Jacksons Victory tour poster (another BK acquisition) and that poster my sister had of Kirk Cameron lounging in a pretty pernicious come-hither fashion on a nest of pillows. If I had that last one, KC himself would probably buy it on ebay...so he could burn it at church (a tangible forsaking of his sinful Seaver past)
Ohhh.. DON'T cry for me (Argentina). I have absolutely no regrets. Wait, that's not true... that my sister would pimp me out for worthless plastic gaming chips- that I do regret. I regret that I'm not a very smooth liar. I'm going to have to work on that. But I do not at all regret passing up that date. I really don't intend to wind up a dried up old spinster, but I WILL enter into a platonic marriage with a nice gay man before I start hooking up with sleestaks of that vile ilk.
So my point-- sorry for rambling last post. I know it's my usual mode of communique,(rambling) but sorry just the same, everybody.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Saturday night we had our company's annual "Spring Fling Party" The theme was Casino Night. Yippy skippy...I am really not much into gambling. So I was content to just graze and drink and sit with my work friends. HOWEVER...I got a ride to the fete with my sister and bro-in-law (he works for the same co. as me...dunno if I've mentioned that before. He's in a totally different dept...making 3 or 4 X my salary -that's my guesstimate though, not fact) So I felt like I should make an effort to divide my time between my coworker homies & my sister. It seemed like it would be sorta rude to be all "Thanks for the ride, suckaaaaz. I will now ignore you for the entire evening, but PLEASE notify me when my return ride is soon to depart, a'ight??" So it seems like common courtesy, right? Well I should have thrown common courtesy right out the f-ing window because Laura's fun...not always my idea of fun...this is especially true when she is buzzing. She was really into blackjack on Sat night so I played for quite a while...just to humor her. What does humoring her get me? It gets me hit on by the ickiest, sleaziest rent-a-croupier on the planet.
He could have been a professional croupier for all I know...I had wondered where they got all the gaming people for the shindig but I certainly wasn't going to ask him. I pointedly refrained from asking the dude any personal questions and yet somehow was subjected to info on his life philosophy, favorite restaurants, hobbies, his likes, his dislikes, his goddamn medical history, and blah dee blah dee BLAAAH ad infinitum...the guy would NOT shut up. The self-centered
loquaciousness would have even been forgiveable if he hadn't been such a shameless HOGGER. I mean, when I first sat down to the table, I made some crack about Uno being more my game and he's like "Huh.Uno??THAT'S one I haven't heard before but..." and then he pauses, he shrugs in a way that perfectly implies "to each his own" but, after a beat, continues to talk and I'm expecting at this juncture that he is, yes, actually going to say "to each his own" or something to that effect but he says "Hey-- WE ALL MASTURBATE"
HUH?? How did we segue to that? And even if it was remotely pertinent to the topic at hand...that..that is just IMPROPER conversation for mixed company!! I know, I know that makes me sound like a mega-prude. But really!! There was this older lady at the table who I feel certain was somebody's grandma!! Well ok, maybe, said old lady didn't so much as bat an eyelash over it, but I think that was probably due to her being in a gambling addict trance (she looked to be pretty hardcore...she had beau coup chips) more so than her being ok with that sort of talk. So... right at the outset: HORRENDOUS first impression.
OOOoooh, but the hits just kept on coming.... Eddie (he did have a name...an accordingly sleazy name) proved to be a master of the lameass innuendo. For instance.... gamblinggranny was conversing with my sis about something (I was barely paying attention... wondering how many swigs I had left in my Mich Lite before I could bolt for the bar) and --in innocent conversation-- said the phrase "tied down" Can see it from a mile away, no? Eddie :" Yeah, I don't like to be tied down either.....except maybe later with you " (points at mortified ME).
That's just a sampling (there must have been at least a dozen of these uninspired bon mots ... all aimed toward a queasy yours truly) but that pretty well sums up this character-- all the subtlety of Andrew Dice Clay and not half so clever. (OHH! ) In retrospect, I wish I wasn't as well-mannered as I am...and had just said "Oh, PISS OFF" But, in my defence, I don't think my responses were all that encouraging... at one point said "Oy. Well I saw THAT coming from a few miles away" but mostly I kept it non-verbal.. rolling my eyes as I sipped my beer or a couple times I just up and walked away.
But DAMN my sister and the authoritative hold she has on me. I would periodically come back from my table of amigos and check on her. And she would coerce me into playing some more blackjack. She was just picking up the game and soo pleased with herself but Greg had abandoned her and if I didn’t play with her she would be alone and friendless (sniff! Sob!) And she just wouldn’t budge from that table because Eddie was imparting to her all of his great blackjack know-how. Additionally—inexplicably—she thought he was funny. UGH. But I would sit and play for a while, for poor, friendless Laura’s sake. Y’know, in the Sweet & Obliging Sister event, I know I’m placing—maybe a silver medal, but honestly I will be STUNNED if I don’t take home the gold.
But now, a confession that may show me in a disparaging light (no, no, no, nothing HAPPENED. Calm yourself. Gawd!!) In the interest of providing a fair & balanced reporting of the episode I must tell you—if this guy had looked like Clive Owen (Clive springs to mind because his first big movie role was as a croupier in an indie flick called…Croupier. Mmmm..Cliiiive) I woulda gone out with him…with all these same behavioral flaws in place , I woulda gone out with him. I am overstating the case actually, if he had been just regular good looking (not necessarily "Clive-caliber") I woulda gone out with him. That makes me cruel and vain I realize, but there you have it. However, if he had shown himself to be of decent character, I do believe that I would have overlooked any external shortcomings and gone out with him. Probably. See, I am not a total lost cause—soullistically speaking.
So yeah, as it happens, he did ask me out, he was NOT good looking (& at least 40 years old—agh!) and as I’ve said, he'd behaved repugnantly. Hence, my answer was “NO”. But not a simple “no”--a stammered and terribly awkward “no”. Here’s how it went down (why be concise now , right?)—
Due to Laura’s cursed blackjack fever, we were at the gambling table when the party wrapped at 10pm. The other players had suddenly, alarmingly, GONE. He pivoted and pointed himself directly at me…I could sense dark clouds gathering before he even opened up his dumb yapper. And then :“Since you’re so INTRIGUING, I’d like to take you out sometime…” I WISH he hadn’t asked like that. I would rather he had said “So Sugartits—wanna go out sometime?” That would've been easy to answer ...in the bluntly brutal negative. But opening with a nice compliment—and that particular compliment (y’know, it just so happens that I endeavor to be intriguing) I gotta give credit where credit’s due—that was well played. But flattery—although I am a big fan of it—will NOT get you everywhere. Another adage debunked. So my rejection is all queued up, but the flattery has softened me..got me all sympathetic and, as I’m suddenly wary of crushing this poor schlub’s spirit, it becomes necessary to concoct an impromptu lie. And I am utter CRAP at lying. No, lemme amend that—I am crap at lying in person. I actually do a very artful phone fib (it’s my job, after all). But face-to-face? And on the spot? SOO not my strong suit!! This is the gibberish that fell from my mouth (approximately verbatim) –
“Ohhhhh. Ah. No. No thanks. I just-ahh- got out of, of, a baaad relationship and I’m… I’m not.. I’M ON HIATUS. So, no thanks.” To which he replied “OK. Have fun!” in a kinda glib, non-genuine way, though I couldn’t tell if it was an embittered“I-can-see-through-your-blatant-lie” glibness or a puzzled “not-quite-sure-what-hiatus-means” glibness. Might’ve been both.
The simplest lie might’ve been the way to go. “I’m sorry. NO. I have a boyfriend.” Well…colossal brain fart…it never even occurred to me to say that! That might have easily backfired on me though. Laura was right there…and I really believe she might have followed that line with a snort or a loud “Puh!” Or simply “HAA!”
Anita from HR wanted to know why I fled the building without waiting for Greg or Laura. I was about to say “I needed some air” (more fibs) when Greg came out the door bellowing “THAT made my night!!!” Apparently he had been nearby to witness Eddie’s pitch and my less-than-suave deflection. So before I could open my mouth to protest, Laura & Greg had the whole story out. Yeah. To my immense dismay, it was a hot conversation topic as we traversed the parking lot. My TRAITOR of a sister was unbelievably scolding me for turning him down. “There was nothing wrong with him! You should have gone out with him!” She actually said that. She must have been COMPLETELY delusional. Thankfully, I got some support from the menfolk. Greg sided with me, saying (to Laura)“I gotta go with your sister on this…that guy was a CREEP!!” And Tom (Anita’s hubby) was indignant on my behalf “ I can’t believe your sister was ready to sell you down the river for a stack of plastic chips that can’t even be reimbursed for real money!! That’s LOW”
But Laura was insistent that I made a mistake. She said she really didn’t think he was that bad. You've heard of beer goggles, I presume? Well apparently, pinot grigio googles are considerably more distorting. I HAVE to believe that or I have to disown my sister. It's as simple as that. I cannot believe that she saw this Eddie as he ACTUALLY was and still thought it would behoove me to go out with him. That would mean she thinks I am the very paragon of "HARD UP". She said "I know he's not like, the catch of your life, but you should've said yes. You would've gotten a date...free dinner...y'know..." So, this I interpret to mean--in addition to being extremely hard up in the dating dept., I complicate things with my impossibly high standards.
But I don't think my standards are crrrrazy high. Despite what Laura thinks, I would not turn somebody down on the grounds of them not being "the catch of my life". On the other hand, I think it's wrong to accept a date just for the sake of obtaining a date...especially wrong if that means accepting a date with someone whose entire appearance and manner thoroughly repels you. Am I wrong here? Are the rules so drastically different for the legions of the "extremely hard-up??"
Flipping about the channels on Thurs night, I happened upon Jeopardy! right at the very start of Final Jeopardy . The category is US History and Alex reads: "Out of 29 of this nineteenth century president's vetoes, Congress overrode 15 of them." And I was like...OOooooh, even for Final Jeopardy, that is ROUGH. But I threw my hands up and said out loud "I'll say ANDREW JOHNSON" I didn't exactly throw my hands in the air, proceeding to wave them as if I just did NOT care, because, well, Jeopardy just isn't that kind of show. It was more of a gestular way of saying "What the hey..."
Well it WAS Andrew Johnson!! How d'ya like that? No doubt you'd label that a "lucky guess" but I think instead that, in the reading I've done about presidents of yore (I've done a bit...it's the distant historical Presidents I take an interest in ...Washington through FDR...yep, everybody after FDR rather bores me, I'm sorry to say) more has been absorbed than I realized. There is probably an AWESOME abundance of crap I know that I don't know that I know!! Astounding...
Thursday, April 19, 2007
They played Li'l Jon's "Snap Yo Fingers" first, which- mindless pablum though it is- is a maaarvelous song nonetheless. It got me jonesing to go out to a club (not a bar but a club club, y'know) and I haven't been to one in a pathetically loooong time. And then, as if Z97 actually sensed the reaction they were evoking (sensed my rumpshake down memory lane) they proceeded to play Sean Paul's "Get Busy". Claaaassic. So that further exacerbated my club-stalgia. Once upon a time I used to go out to clubs frequently... That's right, I used to really get out and shake my tail feather..even if said tail feathers are of Big Birdesque proportions. Sometimes I get the feeling that I gave up the whole raising hell era of my life too early..... if I'm not feeling like that, I'm feeling like totally hibernating ...y'know holing up in my abode, not spending money, marathon novel reading.... there is no happy medium mood with me apparently.
Oh, speaking of money.... I had to pay a FAT sum to both the VT Dept of Taxes and the US Treasury. I make very measly moolah, I dunno why this keeps happening to moi!! I will have to have a professional do my taxes next year I think. Anyways, I remember a bank employee pal of mine informing me before that you can write pretty much anything on your checks' memo lines (I had asked her about it...I've always found that line to be just BEGGING for some sarcastic notation) and it doesn't matter. So on both my tax payment checks I wrote "bleeding me dry" on that line after the " FOR:"
Consequently cash is going to be veeeeery tight until mid May. Ouch. I found myself thinking last night how much I would like a little divine intervention-- y'know to win a contest, or well, not Powerball exactly (I don't want to be GREEDY...not that I would turn that kinda $$$ away..NO SIREEE BOB!) but lucking out with a winning scratch ticket perhaps. And then this afternoon my boss IMs me: "Come here please" That always makes me wince and think "Agh! What did I f*** up ?" But it was actually a very POSITIVE "come here please" .. she was handing out $25. Visa gift cards for those of that made 100% accuracy on our prev month's stats. I feel compelled to point out that only 2 of us got cards-- me & Robin. And I got *TWO* gift cards--one for my January stats and another for March. I know that's not an astounding assload of money but that really made my day. I'm taking it as a sign that somebody up there's listening to me.
Every now and then I think of this little pearl of wisdom (my friend Monica used to say it, and coincidentally I bought a magnet that had this printed on it for Roxanny's b-day)--
"Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end"
An adage that has long stuck with me because it's such a weird blend of reassurance and vague grimness.
I gotta say, if I were dining with Gerard Butler...I would NOT be overly picky on the venue. MMMmmmm...
And presently I am polishing off a Raspberry YoCrunch. It feels like somebody musta made a fortune off that notion-- including a 1/4 cup of granola with a yogurt cup. Genius. Unless that genius signed off all the glory to their company...well either way, they probably took home a nice bundle.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Conversely, a song that I HATE to hear come on the radio is "Smack That" by Akon. I always switch stations with an inordinate vehemence... sometimes uttering a disgusted "Uuuugh" while I do so. Now for the most part, "Smack That" is crap in a very run-of-the-mill way, and usually I am merely indifferent to such music but there is one line that compels me to actively HATE the song. Early in the song he sings "Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Taebo". Gee, that would be a VERY au courant reference 7 or 8 years ago. I really hate that line..it grates on my nerves.
Ok, back to "stuff i LOVE" (in keeping with my post title)... AMC was playing "Fletch" last night. Now, I was committed to watching "Thank God You're Here" but I couldn't help flipping back to 'Fletch" on every commercial break. Y'know I have to check IMDB to see if "Fletch" is on the AFI's Greatest Comedies list or something of that nature. If not, then that is a GINORMOUS OVERSIGHT and I will launch a fierce letter writing campaign immediately! Yes, I love Fletch. I love Chevy Chase (he was my favorite amigo of "The Three Amigos", incidentally) Some of the best bits I caught last night...
Stanwyck: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
FLETCH: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.
HAA HA HA HAA HAAA!!
Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?
FLETCH: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
FLETCH: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.
HAAA, HA, HAAA!
doc: Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?
FLETCH: No, that's "Babar"
doc: Two B's?
FLETCH: One B. B-A-B-A-R.
Doc: That's two.
FLETCH: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Doc: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
FLETCH; I don't know. I don't have any.
Doc: No children?
FLETCH: No elephant books.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I think that bit is my absolute fave
Okay, forgive me... dialogue quoting is just the lowest form of gushing, I realize that. I adore that movie so much that I'm just reduced to being Chris Farley hosting the Chris Farley Show. (Remember that skit? Yeeeah, that was funny)
Here is something that really burns my arse about Fletch (because, apparently, I am unable to keep things on a positive note). Well, it's not about 1985 Fletch (which is utter perfection) but rather with this piece of sheizer "Fletch Won" prequel that's been in pre-development limbo forever. Yes, I can unreservedly prejudge "Fletch Won" as a complete waste of film even before it starts shooting and this is why.... early on in the planning stages of the flick, Jason Lee was going to play Fletch . Now that was divinely inspired casting, just brilliant. Jason Lee is THE perfect Fletch. And once that notion was planted in my head, I became completely incapable of imagining any other actor as Fletch. There just simply isn't any other actor that can do it justice! SO. Imagine my vexation when J-Lee was pulled off the project !!! And even WORSE, you know who has all but sealed the deal to play Fletch now? ZACH BRAFF. You have GOT to be kidding me. You know what ZB would be ideal for?? If, instead of a prequel, they just straight-up remade Fletch...Braff would be really good as the dude in the convertible with Fletch (played by Jason Lee, of course) in this scene.
Lest I wrap things up on a down note, let me share this bit of hilarity that I stumbled upon during today's web meanderings. I don't know why Will Ferrell continually insists in growing out his hair into a 'fro ( I hate it) but aside from that minor coiff quibble, I just loved this short.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sorry I neglected my posting duties on Friday, although I feel certain I would've just tapped out some uninspired blah-dee blah about it being Thomas Jefferson's birthday (it was, though you probably didn't realize on account of everybody blah-dee blahing about it being Friday the 13th) So probably you didn't miss much.
I had a swell visit with my amiga Jill on Saturday. I should say a swell long overdue visit. I hadn't seen her since late October --too damn long. They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". And it's true-- I was so chockablock with fondness for Jillypants that, that... well, I have since noticed some seams on my person** that are in disrepair. I know that's no coincidence! So I caution you to NOT test the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" adage...you may harm yourself!!
We went to the big pet store across from where I work. It musta been YEARS since I'd been in there. I guess that's partly because it makes me a smidge sad to visit all the cutesywootsy schmoopy puppies and then not buy one. And also I kind of forget it's there so I never think to go there. I know that sounds rather flakey, but it's true. (Me? Flakey? I know it's tough to imagine..) Anyways, the pet shop was rad and I successfully refrained from buying a dog. They were all cutesywootsies though...if only I'd had a spare grand handy..
I was ever so slightly traumatized by the bird and rat room. Ewwww. The rats were NAAASTY little pukes...not even remotely cutesywootsie. But at least the rats were in cages. They had these free range macaws flying around totally unfettered. And those fuckers have beaks like
g-d sabres!! I mean birds make me uneasy in general, but those macaws are LEGITIMATELY scary...did I mention their wicked looking talons? No I did not. Well they have wicked looking talons in addition to their horribly sharp beezers. Damn their lovely plumage!! Lovely EVIL plumage. While you are dazzled by their array of vibrant colors they will take advantage of your dazzlement and pop one of your enchanted eyeballs like it's a grape tomato! Well, I've never actually seen a macaw do that...but I wouldn't put it past 'em. I got freaked out and had to leave the bird room when 2 of 'em started fighting over a scrap of paper towel. Jill very graciously bolted along with me... although she fears no bird (brave, brave girl)
But y'know, (and I realize, at this juncture, that I've blathered on about birds for too damn long) what if I was NOT afraid of birds, and I was generally aware of the presence of the Pet & Aquarium Center and made frequent visits and furthermore I even enjoyed wiling away a goodly part of these visits in the bird and rat room. But FURTHER SUPPOSE that I had a case of the sniffles during one of my visits --not improbable considering the fucky climate here in the northeast. So picture it--- I'm in the bird room (we'll leave the poor gross rats outta this) innocently mopping up some nasal drippings with a Kleenex. A DEVIL-MACAW spies that, thinks "Hey, I love me some paper towels! That there looks paper towel-esque..." and proceeds to slash a 2" deep swathe across my cheek with its awful sabre-beak as he steals my snotty Kleenex!! Do you not think the pet store should have some sort of signage up??
Bird rant OVER...
I picked up some previewed movies at Hollywood Video--it was not a total binge, as 3 of the 4 movies were for a birthday present (went to a surprise 60th party for my Uncle George on Sunday) and it was a FAAAABULOUS bargain. If there's one thing I like better than a bargain, it's a FAAABULOUS bargain. Magnificent bargains are also a pleasant experience.
Here's what I bought--
For Uncle G-money-- Miami Vice (that TV show was his absolute fave)
Snakes on a Plane (not to be insulting, but I think that whole mindless
action genre is really his fave and I presume Snakes is probably the
penultimate film craptacular in said genre)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (this is sort of a compromise...G also likes detec- tive movies--second only to the mindless action flicks-- and this fits that
bill. Except I've heard good things about this one and have been wanting to
see it. I was going for buddy cop flick done with wit and style...I think
that's this movie. I had to put my own personal stamp on the gift and, well
Snakes on a Plane & Miami Vice...sooo not me (cinematically speaking)
Don't get me wrong, I DO think my uncle will like it...the DVD case was
emblazoned with "from the creators of Lethal Weapon" so that is a definite
sign that I chose well.
And for yours truly I bought Stranger Than Fiction . I just watched it last night and it was a kick arse movie. Am very pleased to add it to my out-of-control DVD library. It's funny and moving. I'm sorry-- "moving" is such a weak and vague descriptive. But near the end ...when I *thought* things were not going to turn out like I wanted 'em to... I was incontrollably talking to the movie. Not directions or anything, just uttering a sporadic, pained, "Nooo..." "Oooh no!" And really, I don't usually do that. Well, everyone who knows me knows I'm prone to talking throughout a movie...but it's not usually talk of that nature. Sarcastic commentary is more my M.O.
Gosh! I nearly forgot to tell you the price ( the low, low cost that got this purchase the coveted "FAAAABULOUS Bargain" rating) !! 4 movies for $27. Not too shabby.
Well, I gotsta jet dearies. More tomorrow...
**That's right, when I say "my person" that is synonymous with "ME". At this point in my life, I own no other person , no manservant or slave or boyfriend or pet imbecile or anything, sadly. Waah. I'm saving up for a li'l mail-order somethin' -somethin' but don't get your hopes up on my behalf (history has shown me to be utter crap at saving $$ )
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I am making haste now to the Bravo website to find out who won the thang.
Please let it be Matt..please let it be Matt....please let it be Matt....please let it be Matt....please let it be Matt....please let it be Matt....please let it be Matt....please let it be Matt...pleeeeeease...
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Athenaeum has this feature called "artwork showdown" where they show you 2 different paintings with "Vote For Me!" links under them and you just click under the pic you prefer. And then it will show you the pic you voted for up against a new painting...click on which you prefer. And then your pick vs another painting, and so on and so forth etc etc ad infinitum. (You could go on voting and voting forev--well not forever, but for quite some time. I must have wiled away a good 15 min. Oh and yeah, in case you're wondering, work HAS been reeeeeally slooooow lately.. I am certainly not complaining though ) With this feature they collect data on how well liked a certain piece of art is. Not that I really give a toss about statistics/ data accrual & all that crap, but the artwork showdown kind of works like a random painting generator and it introduces you to art/ artists that you might never have known about. That part of it is rad.
For instance, today I discovered that I enjoy works by--
*Canaletto-- an 18th century Venetian Rococo painter. I didn't think I liked anything Rococo, but I was impressed with several of C's city scapes. Like--
This is the one that initially caught my eye. It's titled :"Capriccio With the Four Horses From the Cathedral of San Marco"
*James Tissot (French/b. 1836-d.1902)--
"In an English Garden"
*Arthur Hughes (English/b.1832-d.1915) ---
"Home from Sea"
I also saw that The Athenaeum has HUUUUUGE sections on some artists I already knew I dug....like Gustave Caillebotte & Mary Cassat.
So I recommend checking it out...and because I sooo recommend it, it is newly added to my links sidebar at right. After you get mind rot from reading my trivial & disjointed ravings you can counteract with a dose of culture.
I do hope I'm mistaken here and TGYH really takes off. Here's what I liked about it--
*Dave Foley as judge-- No audience voting, no America voting, and no panel of judges (flirt-bickering with each other, each trying to forge his/her unique niche in said panel) I like that. And I like Dave Foley, to boot. He's funny in a very understated way... I never watched him on News Radio but I was on a hell of a Kids on The Hall kick for a while (and he & Bruce McCullough were the 2 best "kids" I always thought)
I'd actually seen Dave earlier in the evening on "The New Adventures of Old Christine" (VERY good sitcom...whereas your average sitcom is dreck) and he did a stellar job with that guest starring gig. I also think he is one of those rare folk who looks better with grey hair.
*Bryan Cranston in episode 1-- All the contenders were funny (in what has to be an incredibly tough scenario) but it was righteous that Cranston won (the highly coveted plastic trophy) . He was kissing and dry humping people left and right and you just gotta salute that kind of all-out commitment.
*Edie McClurg in episode 2-- She was up against Kevin Nealon, MoNique, and Richard Kind. I really thought she should've won... she was surprisingly awesome. And really, looking quite glowy and youthful for a 56 yr old dame. I noticed that David Alan Grier failed to mention "Dance 'Til Dawn" in her introduction...he rattled off a few of her credits...but not the key role of Carol Seaver's mom/ Frasier's wife in that 1988 classic. Shame on you, David Alan Grier or whoever writes your teleprompter schpiel!!!
I won't tell you just who won that episode of TGYH (you know it's not Edie though) so maybe if they run a marathon, your curiosity will compel you to tune in and then you'll get hooked on the show, thus triggering a chain reaction where TGYH amasses a cult following. (yeah, yeah , it's not very likely, I realize this)
Monday, April 09, 2007
Other than the dumbass weather, it was a decent Easter. All calorie conscientiousness & my healthy eating initiatives were quickly defenestrated but I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about it. Like Scarlett said..tomorrow is another day. There's no avoiding these derailments when you're trying to be good (in anything) the important thing is to be sure to jump back on track shortly thereafter. PERSEVERANCE is to be my mantra. (easier to maintain a mantra if you limit it to one or two words, y'know...won't tax the memory).
My Easter eggs came out rather hideously this year. YES, I still dye Easter eggs. I have for many moons now and cannot quit it. Holiday tradition is like smack to me. It was all I could do to stop leaving out "Santa snacks" on Christmas Eve (4 or 5 years ago).
I realize this has been a gripey post but it truly was a good Easter. The bad points (ooh, for instance, I forgot to mention that, for the first time in our family's history, there was a horrible gravy mishap and the gravy was TERRIBLE. And the ham gravy especially is sooo delish & vastly superior to turkey gravy that I KNOW I woulda remembered if we'd ever had a gravy disaster on Christmas or Easter (ham holidays) before) were relatively few and the overall day was just pleasant in a quiet, unspectacular way.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
When I got home Thursday after work.... I step through the door and hear an alarm I've never heard before sounding from within my abode. Now even though I can't see or smell any smoke, I immediately think,"Fuck! The place is on fire!" (the roof! the roof! the roof is on fire! WE DON'T NEED NO WATER LET THE MUTHAFUCKA BURRRRRN!!) I soon surmised that it was not the fire alarm going off. I followed the sound and wound up in the bathroom...where I found that my shower radio had un-suctioned itself from the shower stall wall, fallen, and landed right on the "ALARM" button. The big red button that will--presumably--beckon the much-needed aid when I (God forbid) slip in the shower and Humpty-Dumptyfy my skull. That alarm button.
I'm thinking , "How long has this f-er been going off and nobody's responded?" Ok, to be fair to my landlords, they were not home when I got in, so possibly they left before the thing ever started going off. Also, I didn't even hear the alarm until I stepped into my apartment. Nevertheless, I was distressed by this image of an alternate reality where I've actually fallen in the shower, but I have the presence of mind to hit my stupid shower radio ALARM button on the way down, and I'm somehow incapacitated, a pathetic, nakey heap on my shower floor (prone, down amongst all the wet tumbleweeds of my own hair that I'm too lazy to clean outta there) and tragically clinging to false hope. Oh, somebody is probably running to investigate this odd, shrill alarm now. Ok, now they're probably just hearing the shower radio alarm...will probably try calling me on the phone soon. Surely, somebody is hearing this alarm? Neighborhood dogs, maybe? But y'know on the other hand, I don't like the idea of being rescued from a shower accident by anybody. Particularly by any member of my neighboring landlord fam (*shudders*) I could probably subsist on water (because I didn't get to turn it off...I was too busy making sure to hit my shower radio alarm button, y'see? I can only multi-task so much whilest falling down to shatter my femur) and shredded wheat-like bundles of my own hair until I healed up somewhat. Healed up enough to hobble to my vehicle and hasten to an ER. But still it vexes me that that alarm button probably added somewhat to the retail price of my shower radio, and therefore I paid extra for a feature that is not just totally useless, but it's actually been DETRIMENTAL to me by giving me a false sense of security. But, since I'm pretty sure I paid less than $10 for the thing, this falls under "mildly vexed" rather than my usual "mightily vexed".
I am glad that my mother would never read this blog (as she is not quite sure what an internet does) because if she read such things, she would commence to fretting her ass off and might possibly outfit me with a Life Alert necklace.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Considering the whack weather these past 2 days, methinks it mighta been premature to run with a spring motif, but ohhh well.
Sargent's principal schtick was portraits, and he did lots of famous people: Claude Monet, Henry James, and Teddy Roosevelt to name a few. I was particularly intrigued by this portrait. It's interesting how they're standing... the wife is out front and, accordingly, is projecting a very lively, outgoing air with her grin and her hand on her hip like that. But then the husband is in the background a bit and rather obscured by shadows-- which I suppose one could interpret in a grim way...like he is LOOMING there, like some brooding Blackbeard figure. However, I suspect it was more like a marriage of opposites sort of deal, where he balanced her vivaciousness and extroversion by being more soft-spoken, behind-the-scenes type hubby. Yinned her yang, so to speak. Sad (but bittersweet) backstory here, I actually read up on the subjects (he's an interesting dude in his own right, an architect who designed a lot of stuff in NYC) namely Mr & Mrs Isaac Newton Phelps-Stokes . According to this City Journal article -" In the 1930s, however, a series of strokes had left her speechless and paralyzed. Stokes nevertheless persisted in his belief that her mental faculties remained intact, and for the four or five years left to her he spent most of his time at her bedside, reading to her and telling her jokes, and wheeling her through Central Park."
I know, right?? Awful but beautiful. When you look at the portrait in light of those facts, it kind of takes on a deeper meaning. It made it seem very poignant to me anyways.
By the way, I apologize for writing a post about art and then not having any pictures in it. Kind of lame of me. But my pic posting skills seem to be on the fritz these days, therefore this blog is taking an image hiatus for a bit....until whatever time Blogger sees fit to stop being a petulant beee-yotch. Again--sorry!!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Now perhaps you're wondering--WHY on Earth would a person who is wholly indifferent to sports wish to watch ESPN Classic? Well first I would respond that that is a rather sweeping statement, it would be more accurate to say I am indifferent toward most sports. And then after I corrected you, I would answer that my entire motive for wanting ESPN Classic on my telly is : AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!!
Duh da da duh duh duuuuh! Da-dat-dat-daaaaa! (my typed approximation of that immortal theme music) YEEEEEE HAAW!!
I hadn't realized this show was back on the air (on ESPN Classic) but I serendipitously happened upon an episode while at my parents' casa this weekend. I was transfixed, and elated, and enchanted and nobody could talk to me for the hour. I don't know why I love that show but I DO!! OOoooh do I.
Now I used to watch A.G. but apparently never in 1989. That was the sole year they featured a Gladiator named "Malibu". He was in the ep I caught this weekend, and HOLY GUACAMOLE if I'd seen him before, he woulda stuck in my memory, I assure you. And I do not mean that "Holy Guacamole" in a good way, friends. I wanted to find a picture of the chap to post here, because words cannot aptly describe the laughable monstrosity that is this Malibu's hair. I could not find a picture though....
But I found BETTER ! I found a clip on YouTube with the guy being interviewed about an injury, and that was not a shrewd move for 'bu--talking, I mean-- because the dude's audio is every bit as ridiculous as his visual. He's got a dialectal resemblance to Spicoli or Ted Theodore Logan (a personal favorite of mine) while all the while making those gents seem like two of MENSA's finest. Behold!!
Well, surely I will update y'all either way...if I discover I have ESPN Classic there will be MUCH REJOICING and if not, expect some bitching. Although all would not be lost, as my sister not only has every channel known to man, but also has DVR. Haaa... when I ask her to DVR American Gladiators, she will be all "Say whaaaa? You on crack, bitch?" and I'll be all "YO! Just shut it and DO WHAT I TELLS YOU!" But still, I hope I have ESPN Classic, because I don't want to have to be a meanie (but I WILL).
That kind of amused me....it seemed like a miniscule shot of pro-corporate propaganda. The MANAGEMENT provides for you. The MANAGEMENT wants to protect you. The MANAGEMENT would be terribly upset if you got crabs.
Gosh, and I have been so disparaging been to "The Man" all these years. I may need to reevaluate my outlook on things. Could "the Man" who is "always trying keep me down" be the selfsame "Man" who is concerned about my contracting a potty-borne malady?? Could it be?? I'm so confused....
Monday, April 02, 2007
But anyways, I was weak the other night (Thurs) and I was shopping. First I went to Borders. I think it's impossible for me to go into Borders and come out empty handed. It is my shopping Achille's heel. I don't recall what it was that particular night that I *HAD* to buy at Borders (doubtless there was something ) but I had, like, a war of the wills in the bathroom. There was somebody in the bathroom when I went in, Lord knows how long they'd been in there. So I select my stall, seize my throne so to speak....and WAIT. I had an indelicately noisy #2 job to execute, but I thought I could, and should, hold off until after this person's exit. Or at least until they flushed. But the bathroom was quiet. They did have music piped in there (always a nice feature in a public bathroom) but not as loud as I'd have liked. Barely a peep from the other occupied stall. I got the feeling that they were doing exactly the same thing I was. I suppose that shows a lack of imagination on my part.... they could have been shooting up heroin, or maybe they didn't want to fork out the cash for the latest Harry Potter book and were opting to read it in store...in the utmost privacy. But none of these scenarios occurred to me at the time. I was thinking...they have a bomb to drop too...they're waiting for me to flush or leave....they're going to have to wait a long time. Ultimately, they didn't really have to wait all that long... I must have sat there for 2 minutes, just long enough for me to conclusively ascertain, that YES, I was in a stand-0ff situation, and then I just let fly. Because, really I'm not all that shy about such things. (shocker,eh??)
After Borders, I did a spot of grocery shopping. Price Chopper, and I was damned relieved that I didn't inadvertantly grab some bargains because I got the cashier dude who not only gives you a perturbed look when he has to swipe the store goodwill Advantage Card, but he also gives you a little lecture about how he's doing this for you --JUST THIS ONCE-- but you really need to go to the Service Desk between 8am and 8pm and fill out a card application. And I smile and nod and my smiley mouth sez "Uh-huh. Mmmm. Ok!" while me brain sez "Uh-huh. OK. Kiss my arse, pal!!" I was picking up some Fantastic World Foods brand organic noodle bowls-- specifically I bought their 3 Onion Noodle & Creamy Potato Leek varieties. A lot of the time I gravitate toward their oriental flavors-- Spicy Thai and some Sesame somethin'-er-other. I was contemplating trying their Hot & Sour soup but I couldn't do it. Although I do -in general-enjoy soups from the Orient and am also continually parrotting that ol' "Don't knock it 'til you try it!!" adage, I have nevertheless not been able to bring myself to try Hot & Sour soup. When getting soup @ a Chinese restaurant, I ALWAYS go w/ the Wonton Soup. Peking Tokyo has some kick-arse Wonton Soup, by the way. Anyways... I am repelled by that name: Hot and Sour Soup. Is that an accurate synopsis of the soup experience? It is hot and it is sour?? That does not sound at all appetizing!!
Another thing that caught my eye (the left one) in Price Chopper--a 4 pack of "Grapples". No, 'tis nothing to do with grapple hooks or the art of grappling (though such product might also intrigue me) . No, these grapples are in the produce section and if the packaging is to believed, they look like apples (ok that bit, I can vouch for, through the transparent plastic case I could see that they did INDEED look like apples) but taste like grapes. That's pretty cool, right? I think so. But necessary?? I don't know about that. Are grapes no longer sexy enough?? Or is it it a more dire case...
Are there new grape predators out there that are being staved off by this disguise ruse? Weird...
Oh, but back to Borders. I am still reeling from this bit of Borders Rewards Club news emailed to me...
Personal shopping days being PHASED OUT?? THE DEVIL YOU SAY!!! Apparently they are replacing them with "Borders bucks" but I am NOT appeased. To gain a shopping day, you only had to spend $50. and now you have to spend $150. in the space of a month to earn just $5 in these infernal "Borders Bucks". I'm not saying I'm not up to the challenge, but I'm still quite miffed about this...