Tuesday, December 29, 2009

front page news? Really now?

Well damn--the crew over at People magazine is just ga-ga for weddings!! Seriously, if the dude who played Schneider on One Day at a Time got married for the fifth time and mailed the pics to People--and made a point to refer to them as exclusive pics--People muth&*$#*ing magazine would run that on their cover. No shitting you.

First off, they must know that a Jo-bro. is NOT the hot commodity in 2009 that he was back in '07. And even at the very zenith of their fame, Kevin was the one that-- ah well-- hitched, single, gay...there really wasn't a hell of a lotta public concern over the matter either way.

OK..if that last paragraph were clunkily composed, I blame it on this ugly guilty feeling that has stolen over me on account o' maybe I've slandered One Day At A Time's Schneider. Firstly, it's a bit belittling to forego his real name (which is Pat Harrington Jr) in favor of a character name. And of course, the man's done other work besides One Day, in fact, I remember seeing him pop up on The Love Boat, I think maybe more than once. Yep, yep--a quick detour over to IMDB shows 4 Love Boat episodes. Welllll, there was a 2 parter episode in there, so one might consider it just 3 Love Boat episodes in the Harrington Jr. oeuvre but he's had a buttload of other work too!! And just one wife ....so that settles it--I *am* slanderous.

But back to my original point--Kevin Jonas's big nuptials--is that really front page-worthy? I'd give it maybe a corner of the front page, but not this primo real estate.
Some trepidation is replacing my guilt now...I'm flashing back to a long ago post where I ever-so-slightly disparaged Clay Aiken and... OMFG hell hath no fury like a miffed Claymate. I don't know how all those people found me!! I'll bet that was my all time record for # of comments though. I gotta wonder if I have now summoned up a whole new shitstorm...

I kinda get the feeling that People is the print equivalent of Entertainment Tonight. They just have kindred vibes, y'know ??

Oh, and since I may have incurred a wrathful shitstorm anyways allow me to lay some additional (yet totally irrelevant) negativity on y'all. I *LOATHE* THE GUY WHO SINGS IN THE FREE CREDIT REPORT.COM COMMERCIALS. I won't say "hate"...because that feels too harsh, especially for someone I've never in-person met, but let's just say I have a powerful, powerful aversion to the dude. And you know why? Me neither!!! I can't quite articulate why...he just has this nebulous offputting essence. Whatever the cause is, the effect is that want to punch him in the noggin. HARD. Oh, don't give me that reproachful look of yours. Even if I did my hardest punching, it probably wouldn't hurt the fellah. I am crap at punching.

I may have opined this before, but it bears repeating: I do think there needs to be a word that means negative je ne sais quoi . I could say "negative je ne sais quoi" but that feels cumbersome, right? I need one word that encompasses that notion in no more than 4syllables, ideally 3. Maybe that word exists & it's just eluding me (help me out if you can think of it, eh?)

am I VLOGGING now? Wooo-hoo! Good job, me!

I had some time to kill today while I was waiting at Dunkin Donuts to get some blood (umm yeah, I should specify at this juncture that it was a work errand &I was picking this up from a nurse I was meeting in that parking lot...it's not like, my Plan B bev because the Dunkaccino machine was being cleaned or anything like that. ) I happened to have my new Christmas toy on hand and so...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

My Christmas: the ultra-abridged Reader's Digest version

Drank a bottle of champers (with very little help) at the Christmas Eve party. Had a swell Christmas. Top three fave gifties: Flip cam / silver key necklace/ grey cashmere throw. Everything else I got was pretty terrific too. Had ham,not turkey (ham's way better, not to mention ham gravy...MMmm I wish I'd gotten leftovers, but they all stayed at my sister's casa) I know it's silly,but I think the knowledge that I had Dec 26 off from work made my Christmas exponentially merrier. I really DETEST going to work on Boxing Day(and yet I neglect to take it off every &^%#ing year it lands on a weekday. Durrr)

Will post more at a later date amigos...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


My left eye feels 1000% better today. I can’t find any ophthalmological basis for it, but I do believe my recovery has much to do with my indulging in nearly 14 hours of sleep last night. I know it’s kind of lameass to go to sleep at 6pm but nevertheless, I feel like I could benchpress a small building today. Not that I’m much of a bench presser…

Monday, December 14, 2009

My left eye has been kind of…uhhh, itchy (for lack of a better adjective) since this past Friday. Feels slighty better today than it did yesterday, but it’s still bothering me. Early on in the weekend it was like I had a pine needle floating around in there. Now it just feels kind of strained ..like I’m tired in one eye. I have been wearing my glasses (instead of contacts) and periodically dropping in eyedrops when I have ‘em handy and I am NOT going to the docs unless I have a big relapse. I’d hafta hock my Christmas presents if I did go!!
You know back in the spring, I had a scratched cornea and had to go to the ER. The bill for that was a li’l over $500 !! Can you believe that shit? My insurance paid for most of it (my OOP was $75.) but still….that’s redonkulous!!
This is what the visit (run time approx 30minutes) consisted of -- lengthy interrogation by the front desk broad, when I FINALLY got to be seen they gave me eye numbing drops, followed by eye dye so that the P.A. dude could gaze into my peeper and conclusively say “Yep, there’s a scratch there”. Then I read from an eye chart to show that my vision wasn’t f-ed up. And went away with an RX for antibiotic droppies. Now, I don’t want to disparage the P.A. who treated me, but really, it didn’t seem like the care I received was all that skilled. Not 500 bucks worth of skilled anyways!! Either they get paid a killer shift differential (this ER visit was at around 9pm) or those dye drops are a rare compound of unicorn tears & jabberwocky drool.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


One more thing...

I had a friend announce on Facebook that she was giving up on vegetarianism. For some reason, this announcement compelled me to make for her a sort of "homage to meat" collage.

Probably stupid Blogger will not allow me to make the pic a "click-to-expand" type pic (I used to be able to post 'em like that, but never can anymore. WTF, guys??) But what the hey...I'm going to share it anyways...

Friday, December 11, 2009

weird banner ads...

I was finishing up Christmas cards tonight and popped online expressly to look up some mailing addresses I was missing. But the dang interwebs suck me in everytime and I've now been on the computer for a hell of a long time and I've wound up putting off about 15 cards 'til tomorrow. I suppose it's for the best...it will give me something to do tomorrow and I was getting calligraphy cramps tonight anyways. OK, well, I don't know for real BONA FIDE calligraphy, but I do do my own made up fancy lettering on my envelopes. I never want to write messages on the insides of cards... I would either have to strain the weary ol' brain for something clever/witty and/or poignant to say, or I would have to resort to cliches (bleccch!) So in lieu of scrawling some sentiment, I get artsy on the envelopes. That's why my cards are always such a lengthy undertaking. Well, that and I never, NEVER, have all the addresses I need!

...which brings me back to the internet. I hit up switchboard.com to search for some people's info, and I was struck by 2 banner ads I discovered there....

The one on the top kinda weirds me out just because I know it's targeted precisely at me. After spotting a W Hotel in Manhattan last month, I took a fancy to the look of the place and I sought out the W Hotels website. Now THE INTERNET GODS are shooting me banner ads for W Hotels. Rationally, I totally get it...y'know Big Brother/ Big Commerce is ever vigilant, and I am by no means elusively "off-the-grid" (especially considering what a 'net junkie I am) But still, it weirds me out ...just a smidge. But it also makes me feel like they're doing a shoddy, half-ass job of profiling me. If my likes and dislikes and location and demographic are so readily available, isn't it equally easy to peek at my credit score? After scoping that, one could surmise (rightfully) that I could not pay for so much as a 1 hour stay at a W Hotel!! YOU ARE WASTING THE AD SPACE, FOOLS!!

Now, the banner ad on the right also weirds me out...for obvious reason, dont'cha think? "Obama Asks Moms to Return to School!" is of course accompanied by a photo of . . . Charles Manson Jr.???Ummm, WTF to the nth power?????? If that dude is matriculating, the moms will most assuredly NOT return to school. How is that ad supposed to be effective? And do you think Charles Manson would have taken a different path in life if he'd assumed the nickname "Chaz"? Seems to me that a Chaz couldn't perpetrate multiple homocides nor could he work the forehead swastika look. Chaz wears loafers without socks. Chaz likes yacht rock.

...UGGGHH.. sorry. 'Tis 3:16am EST...which means I'm overdue for some ZZzzzs. And it would seem when I deprive myself of slumber, I am prone to distasteful digressions. Again, sorry...


Au revoir HipHopapotamus & Rhymenoceros..

I'll always luv ya!! FOTC is done its run. I guess I understand the why of it--that they were feeling creatively strained or whatev, but that doesn't stop me from being supremely bummed.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

ummm YIKES

So I’ve told you that I’m designated office delivery wench, yes? Well, I am. Today I had to drive out to Lyme (and these far-away errands always pop up at the times when I'm at about a 1/2 tank of gas and trying to stretch out $25 until my next payday) to bring catheters to our nurse Shari who was having trouble with an insertion.

Yeeeeah….so it was NOT the simple delivery& hand-off& departure I was expecting. I wound up on flashlight detail. All those years of illuminating my Dad’s auto repairs came in handy. Actually I was hoping I’d start having auto repair flashbacks and start hallucinating carburetors & oil filters (which would have distracted me from the fact that I was looking at some lady’s urethra)

At one point, I’m holding the flashlight and Shari sez “ Do you want to be my assistant?” (without any further elaboration) And I’m trying to maintain my poker face (all the while, I’m trying to decide which sort of poker face would be most reassuring to the poor patient. I think a blank stare would be unnerving but a too smiley smile could be waaay worse…I tried to achieve a happy medium) and wanted to respond “I am NOT QUALIFIED to do *anything* beyond flashlight duty!!” but I thought a whole sentence might come out panicky sounding, so I said “Hmm?” Come to find out, she just wanted me to open a cath package because her hands were all be-gloved & lubey…so nothing too exceedingly clinical for me. But I was a bit petrified for a moment there.

I have long suspected that I don’t have what it takes to be a nurse….I am SO sure of it now!!

What the whaaaa?

In totally BIZARR-O couples news...WTF?

Thursday, December 03, 2009

so THE MAN thinks I'm an ingrate

At work, I used to have my desk near the referral services department and used to chat with the gals there throughout the day. Well, in October, they moved me to the other side of the office (to squash the banter? Perhaps. The move was never adequately explained to me) So these days, when I run into someone from referral services, it's a big "to-do" like Homecoming or something. They're all very glad to see me because when I left their sector of the building, there went the finest wit that workplace had to offer (haa..I jest. OF COURSE, I'm jesting)

Anyways, the other day, at probably quarter of 5, I had finally gotten around to doing my paper route. This is when, at the end of my day, I cart a box of paper around the office, throw a ream in each copier& leave a spare ream nearby. Just one of my 3000 jobs. And really, it's one job I wouldn't give up, as I kinda dig the mindless meniality of it. Sure as hell beats dealing with insurance companies. I can't imagine there's anything more convoluted and uber-bureaucratic than an insurance company. Well not much is, anyways.

But I digress...it's 4:45pm (EST) I'm loading paper into the referral services printer and Sue R is working there and working alongside her is her boss Sheila. Yeah, anyone who knows me knows that I am none too keen on the managerial ilk, so it's saying a lot that Sheila is one of my least favorite managers (she's popped up in this blog previously). Sue and I then have this rather banal exchange--

Sue: Hey Sandra. How you doin'??

Me: Siiigh. Good...now that it's 4:30 {4:30 pm is my quitting time. . .in theory}

Sue: It's actually past 4:30

Well, I don't know if my sigh was intolerably weary ( I don't think it was an extraordinary sigh) or if Sue's factual statement of the time sounded tinged with dangerous discontent, but something compelled Sheila to chime in (in this putrid mock-chipper voice) "BUT THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE JOBS!!" This triggered a brief vignette in my head where I responded "Oh, piss off, you hideous HAG" whilest in reality I said nothing. Sue and I exchanged a bug eyed look that was clearly nonverbal shorthand for "OMG who the fuck asked HER??" But neither of us said another word. But still, I feel I would have been well within my rights if I did tell her to piss off, because really---who the fuck asked her?? I was not talking with Sheila. Sheila may not have noticed this, but I have made it a policy not to speak to Sheila unless she has directed a question at me. But even if she had been part of the convo, it wouldn't have killed her to allow me a modicum of half-hearted grumbling. Oh, and considering how wholeheartedly annoyed by my job I am these days, such mild kvetching is extremely mild. Does management not realize that there is something unnatural and Stepford-esque about a totally complaint-free workplace?

Well, Sheila has yet again failed to propagate a positive image of the man. And bitch DEFINITELY ain't gettin' a Christmas card from me!!

In other news , I slept from 6pm-7:30am last night and it was marvy, blissful & highly satisfactory. And below, I'm going to throw in a pic I like that I stole from another blog and that has nothing to do with any of the preceding blather...

Ahhh but my conscience commenced to nagging me instantly...I must give credit where due: that's from a waaaaay rad blog called Pleasant Family Shopping that I just discovered. You simply must scope it out (am going to add it to my sidebar, actually) This shot on that website (search for the KMart tag) expands to a ginormous, high def image. And that blog features beaucoup links to other similarly themed and also rad blogs/sites so there are HOURS of retro-retail diversion to be had...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

new diversion

That last post lead me to peruse THIS neat-o Flickr set. I suppose it's just another way of me postponing slumber (since the sooner I snooze, the sooner yucky Monday a.m. comes) but I am genuinely digging this...

sights I've seen, places I've BEAN

A week ago tonight I journeyed to Salem NH. They have this mall there (Mall at Rockingham Park) that I had never before explored. Looked worth a peek to me, mostly because they have a LUSH store. Come to find out, it was a small LUSH... with this salesgirl that was ridiculously, OBNOXIOUSLY over-attentive, but I'm still glad I went there, and I most certainly came away with product!

But I didn't want to talk LUSH, I didn't even want to talk about the mall (which was lovely). After the mall shut down, I went down to Rte28 (which it seems is like the "main drag" of Salem) to see what I could see & attain some eats. While doing my laps of Rte 28, I was charmed & dazzled by their old timey DeMoula's grocery store. So charmed was I , that I later had to seek out a pic of it online. Behold---

I found multiple photos, but this was the best, sharpest one. It's a pity though, that no one has a night time shot of it, because that's what really mesmerised me (to the point of me nearly driving off the road) the giant red glowing scrawl against the night sky. It was lovely.
In the course of tracking down that photo, I found a message board convo about Salem NH supermarkets. It mentioned how there were plans to tear down this DeMoulas. The concensus on this seemed to be" O, frabjous day! Calloooo Callay!" and much joyful chortling. In other words, most everybody was enthused at the prospect of a more modernized supermarket. I, on the other hand, am bummed out that I didn't go in this supermarket (I did 2 drive-bys). I may never get the chance now. Well, perhaps,if I had gone in, I would find myself on the pro-demolishment bandwagon. Maybe it's really gross in there, and dusty, and run down. If so, than I concur with the masses: tear that mo-fo down. But if shiny & sparkly & well-maintained then...well, I find something very appealling about outdated interiors. I would love to have a supermarket 'round here that had something of that orange checkered 1975 aesthetic. I'm a sucker for retro. I like modern things too, but don't you have to have its opposite in order to appreciate it?

Friday, November 27, 2009

what I've learned from snacking & browsing YouTube

It is easy to dub old episodes of Sesame Street because of how the Muppet mouths just flop open & shut without forming any distinguishable letters. This can sometimes yield amusing results. For instance--

 There were a few others that amused me, but I thought that one was a good pick to share because it is a quickie. And brevity is the soul of wit...I do believe that...you could never tell by the way I blather on, but I really, truly do.

A good (but not good-for-you) snack for a something salty hankerin' is Utz Gourmet Dark Russet Potato Chips. They are EXCELLENTE. I like Utz anyways. They make great cheez balls.
OR if you'd rather a sinful chocolate fix, try Moose Munch mini milk chocolate bars from Harry & David. Actually, you may as well get a big Moose Munch bar, because if you eat one of the minis, you shan't be able to stop until you've eaten 10 or 11 more.


I do (reluctantly) tear my attention away from cutesy-wootsy bear puppets from time to time and ponder actual, real news. I'm right now intrigued by this Salahi couple from D.C. who crashed a state dinner.

I'm kind of irked about how several articles I've read have officials keeping mum on account of an impending criminal investigation. Now, I presume this means investigating the Salahis as criminals. To which I say...oh pishawww.

To be sure they *are* gaudy fame whores. I mean, the fact that they are trying to land on one of those vile Real Housewives shows predisposes me to think ill of them. Many of the ilk I see on such reality shows kinda call to mind the two a-holes characters that Jason Sudekis & Kristen Wiig do on SNL. So, chances are,I would find this couple annoying in an evilly vapid sort of way. But one TV commentator was trying to draw comparisons between the Salahis and the Heeneys and that is off the mark...as well as a skoach harsh, methinks. The Heeneys exploited their cute little son, terrified a nation of sympathetic mommies, and sucked up beaucoup dinero & manpower for their little hoax. This Salahi stunt does not compare. I suppose it scares people because these guys could have been crazies, they could have started moshing or, worse, screaming and flinging poo at high-ranking dignitaries or whatnot. But ultimately, these were some very benign crashers. To me,their stunt was just...well, rascally, would be the best adjective I can apply. The whole episode has a kind of Ferris Bueller vibe to it and it feels to me unnecessary to punish the Salahis. I think what the Salahis deserve is a tsk-tsky finger wag aimed their way and a firm "Don't do it again, you little shits!" I mean, is it weird/misguided of me to think what they did was kinda awesome?? I suppose so.
Well, 'tis not to say that I'm all permissiveness. I do think some asses require kickage....and those asses are all employed by the US government. I mean, if a smooth line of B.S. is all you need to attain a close -range tete a tete with the Prez...well, that's damned problematic.

This story got me remembering this Buckingham Palace invasion I read about that happened back in the early 80s. Well the UK tale is considerably scarier (though resolved without much harm to anyone) I guess the two incidents just link themselves in my mind because they're both instances of CRRRAP security work where we should be doing our very best job.

I do wonder what ever became of Michael Fagan... I hope he got the help he needed (especially since he's a father of four)

Head up my ARSE --usually I notice these things

It's only recently come to my attention that Snuggle, detergent-shilling bear extraordinaire, went out and got himself a dadburn makeover!! I mean, not like, this week, recently, but it's been within 2009 that it has come to my attention. At first I was contemplating the makeover itself, basically the big question of do I prefer today's Snuggy Bear OR Snuggle Classic? But then I was look for visual aides for this post, hoping that some article or blog post out there on the interwebs might have broached this subject already and would provide me with a before & after split screen shot (no dice. I had to make my own split screen in Paint with screen caps from YouTube). I did find a NY Times article about this makeover (no pics in it though) and I was stunned--nay, FLABBERGASTED -- to read that this change dates back to **2003**!! What the whaaa?? Things like that do not usually evade my radar...

So what do y'all think? New & "improved" Snuggle or Snuggle Classic? Or fuck the both of 'em, you like Corduroy? Just jestin' The latter is not an option.

You know, I felt at the outset, that my answer was going to be Snuggle Classic, simply because in most cases I tend to prefer things retro style... 9.5 times outta 10 I do. For instance, don't even get me ranting about what Fisher Price has done to their Little People!!

However, in the case of Snuggle I actually like the new bear. There's something cuter about the beady eyes + big dweeby ears combination he's now got goin' on.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Absolutely my *FAVE* Celeb News Du Jour

In analogy form: Ham is to Paula Deen as football is to Marcia Brady. Here be the write-up.

Believe it or not, I do like Paula Deen and I found her home furnishings collection to be surprisingly chic (judging from the wee glimpse of it I got flipping through a potty-adjacent Ladies Home Journal at my sister's) but nevertheless, people getting hit in the face with hams = DAAAAMN FUNNY. That is an empirical fact, Jack. Unless the face-ham collision results in surgery or brain injury.

Then it's just funny...sans "damn" and no caps-lock.

Friday, November 20, 2009

JILLY--BY MY COMPUTER CLOCK THAT WAS PUBLISHED AT 11:58PM EST. (Right at the very last minute...in keeping with my usual M. O.)

as promised...

...buuugggghhhh, I'm still feeling rather blogstipated, but I'm just going to start stream-of-conscience blathering about random, inconsequential crap, and hopefully that will "prime the pump"

I was SOOO horribly hagged out today. Granted it was our bi-monthly ok-to-wear-jeans day, but I took casual Fri to a WHOLE. 'NUTHA. LEVEL. Seriously, I made Nick Nolte's mugshot look hubba hubba. For the record, I would *never* have gone out somewhere after work looking like that, not even on an errand to Walgreens, but the fact that I'm apathetic to looking like sleestack guano at the office...well, I hate to concur with those dress-code-section-of-the-employee-handbook authors, but yes, my mode of dress and grooming is a reflection of my attitude toward the VNA. I'M OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID, BITCHES!! Please, send me home for dissheveledness--I beg ya to.

As you'd likely presumed, I did not wear makeup today. And I've sprouted this facial blemish that is oddly positioned midway between the corner of my right eye and my right temple. So, as it happens, I do need to make a run to Walgreens...to avail myself of some sort of cover-up stick. I suppose, until I procure some, I do have black eyeliner --maybe I could morph it into a sort of homage-to-Audrey Horne beauty mark.

Tomorrow I'm going Christmas shopping-up to Williston, I think-with my Mom, my sister, the 4 kiddos, & my Aunt Laurel. So I'm assuming it's not going to be all that productive. I really do my best shopping on my own (a lone wolf) but I work pretty well in a group of 2 or 3. But tomorrow I probably won't get anything accomplished and I think I'll go out solo on Sunday. Not sure where I'll go on Sunday, but I'm thinking about checking out this mall . I gotta figure out how to find it, but after successfully making the 5 hr trek down & back from Elizabeth NJ last weekend, I'm feeling damned intrepid. (I had me a bit of a mini-holiday last weekend- toured a bit of NJ & NYC. You can check out the pics here. It's very nearly a photo-essay, I got so longwinded in my captions) I became smitten with the Tom-Tom I was borrowing. Although the one I had was a very entry-level bottom-of-the-line device. The one I added to my Amazon wish list was the TomTom ONE 140-S , which is a couple notches better.

But back to Christmas shopping: Ho HO HUMMmmm...ZZzzz. I am considerably less than stoked. Can't get in the holiday spirit. But I feel like I oughtta get myself in the spirit because, as one of my annoying coworkers annoyingly pointed out: only 3 more paychecks until Christmas. I *really* do love the sights & sounds & traditions of Christmas, very much so, but I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed at the outset. I always resolve to simplify Christmas, really enjoy it, but not go overboard with it, but I have this image in my head of the holiday season being like double Dutch jumproping or a whirlpool-- once you get into it, you're in it, and powerless over what the pace is, regardless of what your initial intentions were. OK, I confess..I have no firsthand experience whatsoever when it comes to Double Dutch. I've seen it done on Sesame Street though, and probably in a few other places on the telly and I think I get the general idea (idea, yes. In practice though, I suspect I would crack a femur *and* manage to get myself strangled) I do know a thing or two about whirlpools. Well, not naturally occurring ones, I should specify. Growing up, my family always had Labor Day parties at my Uncle Bud's house. During these festivities, all the cousins thought it just incredibly, unspeakably fun to run circles around the inner perimeter of the above-ground pool there. And run, and run (more like jog..the water resistance prevents you from a flat-out sprint, obviously. There was a lot of dramatic slo-mo running like I imagine I'd have seen in Chariots of Fire had I ever bothered to check that flick out. Not really into sporty movies...but I digress) until we'd manufactured a mighty current and then we'd just bob along in a circular motion, chortling at what clever little moppets we were . Whaddya want ? It was an above ground swimming pool--hardly the venue for swim races.

Anyways, the holiday season is something like that. Except with me hemorrhaging massive amounts of dinero. On a positive note though, I spelled "hemorrhaging" right on the first try without consulting a dictionary (until afterwards, to see if I got it right. And I did!! "Hemhorrhage" is a tricky bastard of a word...as is "hemorrhoid")

One thing I am excited about for the holidays is this TV special. Some people get all riotous over vampires and werewolves macking on sulky teenage outcast chicks... but I geek out over Cranford (and the like) Actually, if there was a specialty cable channel that played Brit lit adaptations/ period romance sort of fare, I might just be motivated to start paying for cable...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I also don't believe...

I've had a posting drought of nearly 1 month. I'm so disappointed in meself!

I don't believe it!!

I don't get this--I thought his 'roid phase was around the early 90s?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Halloween costumes

I procrastinated (procrastinating is a specialty of mine, you know)on deciding on a Halloween costume and now that the big day is fast approaching well....I'm thinking of dressing up as a scarecrow. Sadly, I do own a pair of overalls. I mean, let the record show that I've not worn said overalls since the mid-nineties, I just don't throw anything away. So, it seems like, with overalls at the ready, I have only a few other elements I need to gather for a scarecrow get up. I've even bought some raffia (looked less itchy than hay) for peeking out of my shirt cuffs/neck. So I'm halfway resigned to scarecrowdom but.... scarecrow just feels like one of those "I'm-gradually-giving-up-on-Halloween" type costumes. Another example of this type costume (an extreme example) is my brother-in-law : he was given a pair of scrubs at the birth of one of his kiddos and that has been his go-to "costume" every year my sister has been successful in badgering him to dress up for Halloween-- Dr. Greg. Laaaaaame.

I don't wanna be lame!! I f-ing LOVE Halloween!! It's my dang birthday!! I wish I knew how to sew or that I had mad money to fritter away on a costume. I wonder how much $$$ it takes to whip up one of these costumes?Then, not only would I be able to take PRIDE in my Halloween costume, but I would also enjoy the excuse to answer everything with "Yyyyyip yip yipyip yip UH HUH" for an entire night.

Oh, I dunno. Sandra is RACKED WITH INDECISION. Scarecrow may be out. Anybody wanna buy some raffia?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

baaaaaaah. I feel blogstipated. Someone feed me a topic & I'll do my best to try and run w/ it. Come ooooon...

Thursday, October 08, 2009

my car and I are both eeeeediots...

I ran out of gas on the interstate this evening. That sort of half sucks. I mean, it's certainly not a tremendous amount of fun, but there's also that big rush of relief when you discover that your car is not egregiously fucked up after all. Just needed a li'l drinkie (like yours truly, after the week I's been having). I mean, in retrospect, it seems obvious that it was outta gas-- it started getting all "chuggy" acting, like it did that one other time a few years ago when I ran outta gas, and it was behaving just Wayne's car does in the nail-biting climactic ending of Wayne's World 2 (*SPOILER ALERT*:he ran out of gas). But at the time of the breakdown, I was thinking it could be **anything** and it sure felt like it HAD to be the most catastrophic of catastrophic vehicular failures. Yep..zero to panic mode in 1.3 seconds....c'est moi.

I first wanna point out, in my defense, that my car has looong had a busted sending unit and my gas light will oftentimes come on after I just filled my tank. Basically the gas gauge has no significance whatsoever. So I just hit the tripometer every time I fill up and then at around 300 miles travelled I fill it again. I mean, figuring I get 20 miles to the gallon (and I'm probably getting a bit better than that) with a 17 gallon tank, I would be able to go 340 miles on a full tank. So if I refuel everytime I hit 300, I'm giving myself a decent buffer. My tripometer today? Read 270 miles. What the fuck, right? I must not have filled the tank the last time I "filled up" (I don't really remember whether I did or not). That's the only way thing that makes sense though.

Oh, and in semi-related news. I thought MY BRAKES were going to shit last night. They sounded all hissy and the pedal was going down to the floor a bit further than it had been. Now I don't know if those are the usual symptoms of driving 13miles with your e-brake on, but that's what I did last night. Y'see, I went to my friend Roxanny's for dinner & a flick (I've been on a helluva Vincent Price kick, but last night we went for a cinematic change-o'-pace and watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang). Upon arrival, when I parked on her slopey driveway, I pushed down my e-brake pedal and thought "Don't forget you have your e-brake on!!" I know what you're thinking ...that I forgot. Oh, ye have little faith!! I did not back up so much as an inch without pulling that brake release lever...or..ummm...what I thought was the brake release lever. The brake release pull in my car is in the vicinity of my left knee (well, not where my left knee is now, but where it is when I am sitting in the driver's seat, stooopid!) And, just to the left of the brake release is the Open-the-hood pull. And that is what I pulled last night when I left Rox's . FAAAAAANTASTICO!! No, I didn't have a scary, hood-flying-up&obscuring-my-vision moment while driving (like in Tommy Boy....or was it Black Sheep....quite possibly Planes, Trains, & Automobiles) because of that brilliant little latchy deal. Though it was a bit of a scary moment when I hopped in the jalopy this a.m. to zip off to work and I spotted how the e-brake pedal was down to the floor. Holy Fucking Mother of Charles Nelson Reilly how badly did I fuck up my car last night??? The brakes seem to be working fine. I have detected no lasting damage from the e-brake faux pas....unless the e-brake drag caused me to expend 10X the normal amount of gas to drive that 13 miles than I normally would , thereby leading to this afternoon's predicament. But I really think that had to be me not filling up fully...had to be.

I thought the cigarette lighter was the automotive equivalent of an appendix, but now I'm rethinking that. I'm wondering if the fucking e-brake does ANYTHING at all...
Riveting news item. But where's the photo??

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

miscellaneous oddments

Today I was working in the supply room unpacking boxes of envelopes and I farted. Not terribly loud. Medium loud. The unfortunate part of this scenario is that I wasn't in there alone. Larry was in there too, but he was at his desk, across the room, with a couple of metal shelving units between us, and he was listening (I hope, very intently) to Howie Carr on the radio. Also it was odorless. And, in case it was heard over the blatherings of Howie, I was careful to suppress any audible reaction (though I felt myself blush instantly) and did a brilliant job of following it up with a lot of box unpacking noises so that one might think it was an odd audio byproduct of that task...the pooting of box lids or something. (Yeah, I dunno. It was a REFLEX...not very well thought out)

Well, whether it was noticed or not, he didn't say anything and I shook off my embarrassment pretty swiftly.

In other trivial, lowbrow news, my father had to replace his toilet seat. For some unfathomable reason, he did not trudge down to Walmart like 90% of the populace would. No, he got online (part of it, I think, is he's just inordinately pleased with himself for mastering online shopping) and tracked down what I presume is the finest toilet seat known to mankind. Or I hope it is anyways...he paid $46. for it. Am I missing something? Is that the going rate for toilet seats nowadays?? I'm thinking it's a smidge pricey.

The first thing he said to me when I got here tonight was "Didja check out the bathroom??" All eager-like he was. I suppose, if I'd shilled out $46....well, if I wasn't enthused, I would make myself be... I told him for that price it should wipe your ass for you.

(I know, I know...I'm so crude. I promise my next post will be 100 x more refined)

Saturday, October 03, 2009

A gentle breeze from Hushabye Mountain
Softly blows o'er lullaby bay.
It fills the sails of boats that are waiting--
Waiting to sail your worries away.
It isn't far to Hushabye Mountain
And your boat waits down by the key.
The winds of night so softly are sighing--
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.
So close your eyes on Hushabye Mountain.
Wave good-bye to cares of the day.
And watch your boat from Hushabye Mountain
Sail far away from lullaby bay.
Watching Sadie & Lucy tonight we watched approx 1/2 of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Lots of great songs in that movie, but I think that lullaby might be my fave. And that whole scene always gets me a smidge verklempt, y'know??

Friday, October 02, 2009

tube blather

Aside from Heroes on Monday night, Thursday night is overrun with all the decent must-see shows. Thursday has: Grey's Anatomy, The Mentalist, The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia , *and*Project Runway. Oh, but speaking of Heroes--to backtrack a skoach-- I'm glad it's still on Monday nights (takes some of the suckiness out of the customary Monday suckiness, you know) HOWEVER, that said, NBC failed to send me the memo about bumping it up to 8pm. I was very conscientious to keep an eye on my watch during this past Monday night's shopping expedition and made sure I was home before 9pm (8:40 to be precise) Consequently, I only saw the last 15 min or so of Heroes. How vexing.

I watched most of my Thurs shows however. I only caught bits & pieces of The Office, because I was more engaged by Project Runway. I know I've declared Christopher as one of my fave designers (Logan is my other, BTW) but MAAAAN, he made it hard for me to keep on lovin' him this past episode. I can't think why I would have a problem with anybody--be they a he-body or a she-body-- being expressive of their feelings. On a rational level, I think that's fine--commendable, even. And yet... once the overt emotion gets to a certain degree I truly find it offputting. How callous of me, right? Anyways, Christopher was theeesclose to getting the ax and he was a blubbering MESS. It was kinda excruciating to behold. I'd hate to see the depth& breadth of his devastation had he actually been eliminated. Louise was a trooper though. Just the plaintive coo of a meadowlark and some wise parting words accompanied by mildly watery eyes. She held up well, I must say.

I can't help but let my reactions to the personalities color my at-home runway judging a bit. Like the top 2 designs: Carol Hannah's & Irina's...I liked both of them quite a lot and thought they deserved attaining the top 2 slots. However, I was *not* wanting to see Irina win again...mostly because she is a bitch-on-wheels. Not quite as bitchy as the dreadful Nicholas, but pretty bad.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

quickie PR rant...

I FINALLY watched the last episode of Project Runway that I had DVRed. I really liked the film genre themed challenge-- the funnest one yet!! Next week's will likely be a let down after that. I don't quite know what it is, of course, but the preview did reveal that it's another team challenge. I hate it when they make 'em team up!! It just means less fabulosity on the runway (oh, bad grammar slip up...what I meant was : FEWER fabulosities on the runway)

But back to this episode... first let me dispense with my pettiest kvetch- Collier Strong kinda freaks me out. There is no need to feature him so prominently in the show. Stop that, Project Runway. He looks like a Marvel comics character come right off the page (probably a villain...and y'know that name of his is a bit comic bookish too, no?).

Anyways-- the important stuff now...

I was betting the farm that they were going to choose to cut Louise over Ra'Mon. That's what I would've done. And also, I thought that choice wasn't in keeping with the usual PR judges' M.O. Could it be the move to Lifetime that has shaken-up the formula? Or is it the mysterioso absence of Michael Kors and Nina Garcia?? Well, anyways, I thought the PR way was that "blah-ness" was always a graver offense than botched and ill-crafted avante garde. Used to be, that if it was proven you'd exhibited some creativity/ vision, that would usually save you from the crapper. Not the case for poor Ra'Mon I'm afraid (though what a gracious exit, don't you think??)

I'm disappointed!! I would've liked to have seen Christopher rewarded for his consistently very cool work. His was definitely my fave (and he & Logan are emerging as my 2 favorite designers at this point). I also would have been glad to see Epperson win. I think he rocked the Western genre (whereas I found Shirin's Western offering to be rather ho-hum).
But hey..I will admit to some bias...Nicolas is such a snotty bitch, I was really rooting for him to just NOT WIN even before setting eyes on his finished design. That dude just IRKS me!! And now he's going to feel even more smug and validated. . .

writing that post reminded me of a few thingies...

...scroll down and scope tonight's earlier post before reading this!!

OK, firstly, there is no such episode of Mr Belvidere. I was trying to emulate the Monty Python crew in a way ( but I , too, overdid it). I have several Python computer games and in one of them (either the Meaning of Life Game or the Holy Grail game, I can't quite recall which) it urges you to "register" the game, and when you agree to, you go through 100+ multiple choice questions, and the questions get weird and it always amuses me how they have at least one answer option that is completely random and has nothing at all to do with the question. I LOVE that. I think I've seen them do that (the wacky multiple choice bit) in more than just that computer game though, but other specific instances are eluding my sleepy noggin right now.

I haven't visited the J Peterman site in aaaaages, but it used to amuse me to pop in there from time to time. Here be the linky goodness if you'd like to check it out w/ me.

Tracking down that clip of the "J Train" cartoon from Sesame Street , that reminded me of 2 neat-o Sesame vids I put on Facebook in various places.

This first one is not directly from the show, but a sort of " fan vid" --but well made and freakin' funny as hell (or so I thought). This, I posted on my friend Roxanne's wall because she's rather fond of Big Bird--

And this next clip I thought was a great find just because it (like the clip of the li'l girl taking her llama to the dentist skit) proves that I'm not delusional. This bit with the kids painting pics on glass (themed around a particular letter) was a recurring bit on the show that I'd fondly reminisced about and none of my co-reminiscers had the slightest idea WTF I was on about...

But see, it really WAS on the show!!

A quick browse thru Carol Wright Gifts...

I feel blogstipated.

Perhaps I simply expend too much energy on the oh-so-ubiquitous FACEBOOK. I dunno. Well, whatever the cause, I fear I must do something gimmicky just to crank out a post and prime the proverbial post pump. Knowwhaddimean??

So here are a few things that caught my eye in the Carol Wright catalog. And no, this is not a repeat from April. This is the REEEEMIIIIIIX!! (haaa)

First off, some stuff I could probably use--

I colored my hair last weekend and just did NOT have the attention span to forge through the hellah ponderous instructions. Test on your skin....section your hair...blahdee blah blah. So f-ing labor intensive, I thought. And I always wonder--trifling detail here-- why haircolor instrux always, ALWAYS have you snip the tip off the coloring squirt bottle, then add in the colorant from bottle B, and shake with your gloved fingertip over the squirt hole. Why not shake-mix the 2 fluid components in the squirty bottle with its tip UNsnipped? Wouldn't that reduce the risk of accidentally drizzling your bathroom counter with haircolor whilest mixing??

Ah, but I digress. I wound up just slopping the mixture arbitrarily on my head (ohhh, section, schmection!!) and lathering it about shampoo-style. It looks alright, but I realize my technique was grossly inept. This brush might be just the thing I need.

This thing is another "just the thing I need". I can be a damned messy eater at times. Unfortunately, if you are donning one of these anytime in your post-high chair, pre-nursing home years, you in danger of being scoffed. Scoffed at. Shit..I don't think scoff works very well as a passive verb. But "scorn" is too strong a word. Well, ya get the idea, don'tcha?

I probably could use this, but I'm going to hold off until I develop a truly Grade A wattle. For some reason, I feel like if I owned this, it's something I'd happen to have kicking around in my car and one day I'd just feel compelled to do it at a traffic light and would be busted by someone in another lane.
That possibly seems a far-fetched scenario (me, wattle-toning in traffic) but I actually *did* find myself preening my lady 'stache in the Taco Bell drive-thru one day. I don't think anybody saw me. However, it occured to me , mid-preen, that I could be on CCTV video surveillance, and what a funny shot that would be if anyone ever reviewed that footage. I dunno, it's probably unlikely that they bother with fast food drive-thru video surveillance in my podunk neck of the woods, but I feel pretty sure they do it some places. After all, when some psycho jackass pops a cap in a Wendy's drive-thru lackey because he couldn't get extra buffalo sauce, don't they always have some grainy footage of it for the local network news affiliate??
Well, I didn't actually pick the "Wizzit" because I foresaw segue possibilities. Actually I just wanted to mock the chick modelling the Wizzit. It's probably not her fault that she is giving potential buyers a total unrealistic imagining of themselves using the Wizzit. One does not make this dreamy smiley face when engaged in unwanted facial hair removal. And furthermore...what the @#$%^ is she looking at? When I do this, I am looking at my philtrum follicles...or the reflection of them in the mirror, rather, but that still has me directing my gaze downwards...
Looks as if the Wizzit coulda totally been Photoshopped into this shot...
nothing smartass to say about this, really. It's just that letters-as-trains give me flashbacks to this Sesame Street clip

Per Carol Wright (she pens all the catalog copy, you know!) the new leopard and zebra prints available for Snuggie are "super-stylish!" I think the print is good idea, but not because I'm any sort of Snuggie fashionista, or because I want something Rrrrawr! to wear on the next Snuggie Pub Crawl, but I think these would work for camoflaging the common Snuggie splotches of shame. Let's face it... you own a Snuggie, it's quite likely you snack in your Snuggie...now, that may not be a fact you want glaringly evident on said Snuggie. That leopard print in particular would be handy for hiding dribbles of Ben & Jerry's... depending on your flavor of choice.

Don't know if you can read the schpiel on these slippers. In case you can't, lemme give you the first line of it: "Laugh with joy when you wrap your feet in these 80% cotton / 20% terry comfort wrap slippers"

Ok, first off Carol, it's a little rhetorically clunky to use "wrap" twice in the same sentence. But that's the least of the oddness here. It's that "Laugh with joy" bit... seems like you might have been a smidge burnt out by the time you got to writing this copy and overextended yourself a bit trying to keep it clever (and it somehow, inexplicably, makes me think of Chinese menu writing. I guess oriental cuisine has an abundance of "joy" and "delight" in it) Ok, so it's not J Peterman caliber over-the-top, but it's still stupid.

Oh, and if this is not overstating things, and Carol Wright customers seriously do "laugh with joy" when they put on slippers , then...then....I just don't know. Multiple choice then--
a) These people reeeeally appreciate the simple pleasures. Good for them!!
b) These people ARE simple. Good for them (being able to procure mail-order slippers by themselves)!!
c) These people are probably deranged
d) The episode where Mr Belvidere tried to smuggle a pygmy marmoset into a bowling alley-- HILARIOUS!!

I'm just curious to know.... does a cupcake that is "25 times larger than normal cupcakes" not then qualify for bona fide "CAKE" status?

The people buying this thing need to show some g-d ingenuity and make a HAMBURGER CAKE. I think I have a circa 1994 Woman's World mag I can loan 'em that has instrux...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

rise and fall...on the wings of my dreams

By some crazy fluke of the iPod shuffle, I was surprised by the theme song to "Perfect Strangers" on my drive home from work tonight. I indulged in a spot of unrestrained dorkitude and cranked it up & sang along.

I know it's not much of a post, but I wanted to give y'all a little somethin'-somethin'...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

answer the phone SMILING (ugh..)

We had a ridiculously long meeting today. Actually it was customer service training... 4 1/2 hours of it. I guess, if you're a total customer service ninny, 41/2 hours is not at all excessive. But I'm an ace at lyin--umm, er, I mean an ace at good customer service practices. So I paid more attention to my very thorough note taking.

I'll share with you here all that I learned---

Kanye West doesn't care about Country Music People

I'm kinda amused at the disporportionate amount of Kanye backlash after this recent VMA faux pas. Yeah, it was assholey, he's a rude dog, etc. etc. Y'all new here? Kanye gets that way sometimes. I like the guy anyways, so I'm predisposed to let his recurring "bouts" slide.

So, yeah, I'll admit to some bias. But come on...it's not like he stabbed anybody!! I swear, usually I get more annoyed by a celebrity's post f*ck-up apology junket than I am by the original offense. No doubt Kanye will soon be en route to the Vatican to get papal clemency. Geez.

That Taylor Swift --even though I think she's exemplary of all that is shitty and unbearable in modern music--she is an innocuous little moppet isn't she? A cutesie-wootsie waif of a girl. It was almost like clubbing a baby seal up there. He could NOT have picked a worse target. I seriously doubt the outcry would be so intense if he'd interrupted Green Day or been rude to Russell Brand.

I kinda feel like starting a rumor that Beyonce paid Kanye West to do that. I mean, not only was he spewing pro-Beyonce propaganda, but later she got to right the grave injustice thereby sending her Q rating through the dang roof. You know if that story gains footing, it would somewhat exonerate KW, because, yes, he was a d-bag to Taylor Swift, but it was downright noble how he refrained from ratting out Beyonce. Right? That damn DIABOLICAL Beyonce. All her fault. Remember that. Tell your friends . .. .

Choppity Chop on the Library Construction Fellahs!

I have been saying for aaaages that it would be a wise & (most of all) frugal move for me to get a library card. But I just haven't got around to it (of course I haven't!! Like sooo many other things).

Then, I found myself interested in this building project they're doing on Main St in West Leb, ogling it every time I drove past. I had no idea what it was until August, when they finally put up signage proclaiming it was the future site of The Kilton Public Library. I thought-- ahhh, kismet!! Here, I've been somewhat fixated on this building and it happens to be a library-in-progress...must be the library of my dreams, the one I was MEANT to be affiliated with.

I wish they'd hurry up and wrap it up though, as my DVD & book spending has been a li'l out of control lately. Although some of the the DVD purchases have been pretty sweet deals. Here be a list--

--DVD s--
*Enchanted ($6 at Price Chopper)
*Schoolhouse Rock (yep, "Conjunction Junction" and all that. I couldn't resist!)
*My Favorite Wife (I've read that it's a great Cary Grant fix...and I do love me some pre-1960s Cary Grant. BONUS: it was a mere $3 at Big Lots. Huzzzah!!)
*The Cheap Detective ($4 @ Price Chopper. And I'd been looking for this one!!)

I came thisclose to buying a DVD of Follow That Bird. I just love that movie. My fave part is Chevy Chase's cameo as an anchorman.

*Company of Liars/by Karen Maitland (just finished this one up. It was a very compelling read but BLEAK)
*The Seven Percent Solution / by Nicholas Meyer
*Domino / Ross King
*The Grass Harp / Truman Capote
* Breakfast at Tiffany's /Truman Capote
*Sister Carrie / Theodore Dreiser
*The Saga of Erik the Viking / Terry Jones (yes, that Terry Jones--the Python. I did a browse through the book and was shocked to find it not all that funny. Still, the illustrations were pretty decent and it looked like a good adventure tale, so I bought it for my nephew...am planning to save it to be a Christmas gift. We'll see if I can hold out)
*What Do You Do Dear?/Sesyle Joslin
*What Do You Say Dear? / Sesyle Joslin (the 2 Joslin books, I'd bought for my nieces & neph and I absolutely ADORE them. "What Do You Say Dear" is slightly better, but they're both so good that I had to snatch them up when I saw them both available. The ones I bought before I had to go thru Amazon. Methinks I'm going to give it to my friend's daughter..Madison..who is only 8mos old at this point, but I feel one is never too young to start amassing a kickass library. I already bought her Margaret Wise Brown's Little Fur Family which is MAAAAD adorable --like the board book equivalent of a baby seal eating cupcakes on a rainbow.)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Bon Appetit!!

Went to see Julie & Julia today. It was a totally adorable movie. Amy Adams somehow made utter unabated self-involvement very loveable, and awesome Meryl Streep was at her awesomest, and I quite enjoyed it. However, that said....

I wonder if I should resent the movie for giving this hyper-idyllic portrayal of matrimony and a CRAZY unrealistic representation of the male gender (thereby fiddling with my expectations, even if my rational self wants to keep them low)

I mean, the husband characters in this movie--selfless! Saintly!! Superhuman!! (insert more fine traits that begins with S here) Especially that Paul Child. Holy shit... I mean, when I first hopped online tonight, I had to do a bit of biographical research about the Childs' homelife. For some perverse reason, I was looking for rumblings of impropriety on his part--him having an affair or him being an opium addict and tormentor of small woodland creatures..I dunno. I swear though, everything written about the guy (that I could find) shows him as doting, loving, UBER-supportive. But, DAMN, I can hardly wrap my head around *that* --how jaded am I??

Thursday, September 10, 2009

keep yer eye on the sparrow

What boy—in his right mind and that is *not* a performance artist of some sort---wants to be named SPARROW??

That’s what Nicole Richie & Joel Madden (I started to type “John Madden” …now THAT would be a story, eh??) named their newborn bundle of joy. Yep, it is really a boy bundle of joy. Well, it’s not like I’ve seen it, and can firsthand verify, but I get this from Yahoo’s OMG! page and they’s SUPER reputable, right?

I think perhaps they were trying to be slant rhymey with their kids’ names—Harlow, Sparrow…see what I mean? Expect #3 to be named Nardo (in keeping with the slant rhyme pattern & also in homage to Marilu Henner’s Taxi character). Garbo would be good, and would match the old Hollywood glamour feel that their firstborn’s name has (I like the name Harlow actually) but after them naming a little boy Sparrow, I don’t hold out much hope for their judgement. It’s a moot issue anyhow…I’d be stunned if these two procreated AGAIN. The expiration date on that romance has to be rollin’ around anyday now, don’tcha think?

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

...it's not just for bears anymore!!

I feel I should throw in a disclaimer that this is one icky anecdote that anyone in their right mind would label a “keep-it-to-yourselfer”. It’s pretty damned embarrassing, but I decided as a public service, to NOT keep it to myself. Could do wonders for somebody’s self esteem ( y’ know, give ‘em a standby consolation of: “ah, well..at least I’m not *that* girl…”)

Monday I met up with a friend who was in town from CT and we had a late lunch at Lui Lui’s (Italian food—yum). I had the Antipasto Della Casa, which the waitress made a point of pointing out was a GINORMOUS platter of food. It is a big platter, but not really that much food, especially when I skip the olives, the green peppers, the roasted red peppers, and 50% the time, the artichokes. I know she wanted me to be an informed orderer, but she could have been a bit more subtle/ artful about mentioning that I was ordering a gogamagogical ton of food. I mean, as it happens, I’d ordered the antipasto before and knew all that comprised it. I hadn’t eaten a thing yet that day, okay? Plus, I think it was the crème brulee that did me in anyways.
So, yeah….around the time we got back from West Leb, about 2 hrs later, I felt a sort of gastrointestinal roiling . I really did not want to unleash hell in my friend’s mother’s downstairs bathroom. Now, her mum’s house happens to be on a road off Rte 5 that is diagonally across from the start of my sister’s road. To put it more succinctly, I was approx 2 miles away from my sister’s house. And I have befouled her loo many a time…
Rice Road (where mi hermana dwells) is a dirt road but is pretty densely populated for a dirt road (and subsequently, gets a fair amount of traffic). Another thing about Rice Road that I realized as I headed down it Monday evening, is that is in *dire need* of grading. Somehow I had never paid much heed to the zillions of washboards in the road when they were merely wrecking my car’s suspension. But now that they were jostling my guttyworks, I sure as hell took notice. I was only about ½ mile down Rice Rd when, hit with the alarming realization that my clench was not holding up sufficiently , I started eyeing roadside pull-offs . Of course, every single one of them was someone’s driveway. I was in crisis, no doubt, but I was NOT going to pull into somebody’s driveway!

And then, I got to a place where there was a large plot of posted woodland (“NO TRESPASSING” on the signage …I didn’t check the fine print to see if there were any loopholes in regards to scatological emergencies) Even though there was a house on the right side of the road and absolutely nowhere to pull off, it was my now-or-never spot. I parked, right in the lane of travel, shut the car, slapped on my hazard light and dashed into the woods. Or I bolted. I don’t know which verb is a better pick. I do know that it was an unusually rapid rate of ambulation for me.

How awful. That’s probably where someone is planning to build their dream house. I did take care to grab a stick and sweep pine needles over the unsightliness—part apologetic gesture , part homage to my cat.

And then the part that kind of amuses me in retrospect--- I’m coming down out of the woods, and I’m almost to the road and I hear a car approaching. I quickly duck behind a tree that is about half my width. In my terribly insufficient hiding spot, I start mentally chanting “Keep driving, keep driving, keep driving, keeeeeeep driving”. The last thing I needed, at that juncture, was some do-gooder to pull off the road behind my car and be all “You there—in the woods. Got car trouble??” And me, I’d be too caught off guard to come up with a clever answer (“Aw no.. I’m playing hide and seek” or “I lost my contact lens. A hawk stole it.”) and I would’ve at best said “No. I’m fine, thanks. Move along.” At worst…I would’ve disclosed the whole truth.

Lesson learned... always keep your stash of car naps stocked up. I don’t know if I woulda had time to grab some if I did have any but still… a very good idea. (bet you thought it was going to be an antipasto-related lesson didn’t ya?)

Saturday, September 05, 2009

for the birds!!

As I was crossing the parking lot on my way in to Borders today, I had my eyes fixed on a patch of mystery debris on the pavement ahead of me. And y'know, I presumed it was just some litter, so I don't know why I was gazing at it so intently.

It was not until I was right on top of it that I realized that it was a flattened crow. Which struck me as so odd. I really don't like birds but have always given them credit for being smart enough (or at least, just quick reflexed enough) to get outta the way of approaching car tires (unlike your average skunk or raccoon...and the occasional cat) Plus this is a parking lot, so traffic is not apt to be coming on so rapidly that one wouldn't have time to react. Chances are the thing was dead already when run over. Fell dead outta the sky? Ate some toxic litter and didn't even make it into the sky before keeling over? Damned ominous, that's what it is.

Nevertheless, I had to call my niece over to gawk at it. "Chloe, come here look at this--it's disgusting!!"

I had this "40% off any book"coupon that Borders emailed me, and I had, at checkout, a $2.50 Golden Book, a $7. kiddie board book, a $6. William Steig anthology, and a $15. paperback for me (I got Karen Maitland's Company of Liars. Haven't heard a thing about it, but just the copy on the back cover intrigued the hell outta me.) Obviously, I wanted that 40% off the novel, but I was expecting they'd give me the discount on the cheapest book in the group. I was even planning to ditch the children's books, check out with just the novel & my coupon, and then go back for the kid's books and go up to pay a second time so that I got the discount applied the way I wanted it. But I got absorbed with watching the kids, and my mother and all that and when we finally all got organized to check out, I forgot my crafty scheme entirely. So as the dude was ringing me up, I said, kinda wincingly, "I suppose the 40% is taken off the cheapest book, eh?" and he goes"No, we take it off the most expensive." To which I exclaimed " AWESOME! THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!"

I think he was taken aback by my vehemence.

To come full circle with the bird motif, I was driving home through Plainfield, and just getting to the part of 12A when you can start driving NORMALLY again (it's a painfully --and needlessly-- poky 30 mph speed limit through the nothin-happening town of Plainfield, then goes to 40 mph limit and then 50 mph.) So I was travelling at 40+ mph , well on my way to 50 mph, and futzing around with my iPod and I glance up to see 3 big fat turkeys in my lane. And there were 4 more on the shoulder. Those jive turkeys are just damned lucky I have such the lightning fast reflexes I do... else they would've been fused to my grill.

last Runway ep. . .

I hate team challenges. Oy.

I was most wowed by Christopher & Logan's output (plus they exhibited some splendid teamwork skillz) and was kinda vexed they weren't even in the top 3.

Even though Mitchell was hanging on by a nano-thread, I was still hoping against hope that Qristal and /or Epperson would get the boot. Such annoying bickering! Such lousy teamwork! And I found Mitchell's candor oddly endearing...he totally copped to slacking off and gave Ramon all the credit he was due. I wish they woulda given him *one more* chance for that. But no. And I suppose it was totally righteous that he be cut. Yeah, it was fair. But still I would've liked it to go the other way...

Friday, September 04, 2009

This distresses me a smidge

Some random guy FB friended me the other day. So I (quickly)took a moment out of my work day to ask him, ever-so-tactfully: who the fuck are you??

Here's how the exchange went--

Sandra September 3 at 10:50am
hey Allen S****. Do I know you??

Allen September 3 at 11:05am Report
well, i saw that you were friends with starr and your picture looks a lot like a lovely girl i dated in high school. Do i have the wrong lady? If so i appoligize for bothering you

Sandra September 3 at 11:20am
Oh, no apology necessary. I thought it entirely possible that I knew somebody and forgot all about them, so addled is my noggin. So I was trying to remember you…and more perplexed than bothered.So—Reader’s Digest version—I am not the lovely ex-g.f. Good luck finding her, though!!

Allen September 3 at 12:36pm Report
lol i went to click on something else and the message i was going to send was gone lol I have no idea if it was sent or what ( damn i hate learning new systems) Anyway in case it wasnt sent , what i said was ..Thank you for the response, I wasnt "looking" per say for the old girlfriend, just remembering with a smile and thought that i might say hello and practice the new facebook skills ( or total lack there of it appears ..lol
This mutual friend he references is a lady I used to work with at TDC. She is 58 yrs old (or will turn 58 next month) so I kinda assume at the outset that her friends are of that same age group. But then I rationalize: well that's not a certainty. I actually have many older friends, and a number of friends who are younger than me... there's no reason Starr wouldn't have a similiar diversity in her acquaintences.

Then this Allen goes berzerker overboard with the lols and uses the phrase "practice the new facebook skills" and so I'm now 98% positive that this dude is of the AARP set. Oy vey. The moral of the story is .... I NEED A NEW FACEBOOK PROFILE PIC POST HASTE!!

It would seem the current one makes me look like I'm 60. Ohhh feck.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Project Runway

So, I've commenced watching season 6 of Project Runway ...which I heard them tout (just the other night) as "The most talked about season of Project Runway ever!" Very tricky of them, saying that. It totally infers that there's some big drama brewing or astonishing talent catalyzing this "talk" but what everyone is chatting about is "Is Project Runway gonna suck now that it's on sucky Lifetime?"

Well, I'm only 2 episodes into it, but at this juncture, I'd say NO, it does not suck. They didn't particularly change the show that I can see. Although I did think it unusual for Project Runway to be weeding out all the wackadoos at the outset (Ari, Malvin). I think, historically, they've kept the "eccentrics" around 2 or 3 episodes longer than they should stay just because they make for good TV.

Here's some other quick, early impressions...
Christopher Straub-- this dude cannot mention his lack of formal training enough, huh? So OBVIOUSLY they're trying to set him up as some kinda "underdog" figure. Well despite that, he's really done some nice work so far...
Johnny Sakalis-- designated red herring of the season premiere. If this guy was *genuinely* that freaked for challenge #1, then I am skeptical that he'll be around for too much longer...
Louise Black-- Kenley Lite (drama free and no criminal record!!) I like the vintage vibe and I just loved her dress for the pregnancy challenge (it was my favorite one!) but some of her work examples from her gallery on the Project Runway website is a bit offputting. I like my vintage vibe without the side of Goth, please and thank ya...
Irina Shabayeva--Promising... I like her stuff so far...I kinda confuse her with Shirin
Ari Fish-- Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, what , with the no sketching and all her overtly nonconformist standing on her head. Okaaaay. We get it. I am surprised guest judge Lilo didn't react more to her very Sam Ronson-ish vibe...
Nicholas Putvinski-- This guy bugs me. Can't exactly pinpoint why yet..
Mitchell Hall-- Ahhhh, Mitchell. Maybe you oughtta hold off on being so cattily critical (calling Ramon's dress a bowling ball bag? It was on mark perhaps--and backed up by the judges later--but still, he was such a little bitch about it...) Wait until you get your shit together, li'l man...then criticize..
Shirin Askari--Promising... I like her stuff so far...I kinda confuse her with Irina
Gordana Gehlhausen-- She's maybe gonna be the maternal old foreign broad of the crew--Uli redux? I like her submissions for the 1st 2 challenges, particularly her cute little red carpet dress
Carol Hannah Whitfield-- Here we have the second set of interchangeables. This one & Althea get mixed up in my noggin. Cute kid though...
Ra'Mon Lawrence-- reminds me a bit of Season 5 Jerrell...'cept I liked Jerrell more.
Logan Neitzel-- Mehhh. Go home kid.
Malvin Vien-- His first dress was blaaah, and his second dress was O-M-G...but not in a good way. What preggers lady wants to look like a vessel of a ginormo egg? Good, gooood riddance to you, with your Rockadoodle hair.
Qristyl Frazier-- Who the hell said you could spell your name like that? It's absurd! Am also questioning this chick's taste level...not just because one of the judges said something to that effect, but for the more petty reason that Q looks like she dresses herself with sale items from Fashion Bug. Which is fine por moi.... but a rising star of design should really take more care...
Epperson-- token old dude. I can't even remember what he's designed thus far. Sorry, Ep..
Althea Harper-- Good work so far. Tho, like I said, her & Carol Hannah aren't particularly differentiating themselves in my mind.

I discovered in writing this that Lifetime's PR site (which I was accessing to check names and review designs) is pretty damn marvy. On the Rate-the-Runway pics, you can zoom in close and really see the detail & fabric texture & what not...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

but speaking of DECENT movies...

.. I watched several on Wednesday when I was outta work sick. The best thing I watched was the magnifico , Neil Simon-scribed, Murder by Death.

I *highly* recommend it.

Mmmkay, so if you've seen the movie and want to fondly rehash some of its best bits, check out my embed below. Ohhh, and I suppose if you don't give much of a rat's arse about my hearty recommendations (which this blog is maybe over-laden with I suppose) and therefore have no intention of seeking out the movie, then you also should go ahead and click the play arrow. Anyone else, that may consider tracking down MbD for purchase/rental... skip my embed (thar be SPOILERS!)

So good! My chum Paul suggested, based on my enthusiasm for MbD, that I would very much like The Magic Christian. So I've been wanting to track that down for a day or two now. And of course, I spied The Cheap Detective on IMDB and am very keen on seeing that one...

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Ugly Truth is...

...that I went by myself to the movies. To see "The Ugly Truth" as it happens. So, you see what I did there, with the title & my circumstances? Haa. So very clever...now at this moment (2:16 AM Eastern Standard Time) so yeah, let us nod to the fact that we are now -- or I am now-- entering into what's considered the "wee small hours of the morning"-- a time when I am highly predisposed to be inordinately amused by myself. Nevertheless: LOL & the like.

So yes. I did go to the movies all by myself Thursday night. Kinda pathetic. But really, I get tired and bored with trying to friggen RECRUIT people for outings . Oftentimes solo society is truly not so bad. (I can just hear those skeptical snorts of "Yeah! Riiiiight..")

"The Ugly Truth" was the only movie playing that I really wanted to see. I find Katherine Heigl kinda likably nerdy. I would consent to this rom-com because of that. I would not (and will not to this day) see PS I Love You. See, I have this inexplicable but nevertheless STRONG aversion to equine Oscar winner Hillary Swank. Sorry, that's *multiple* Oscar winner (and Secretariat look-alike) Hillary Swank. Mah bad! So anyways, I knew I couldn't stomach watching my Gerard Butler be all schmoopy over Swank. Oh yeah, haveI mentioned my longstanding Rrrrrawr for Ger Butler?? It's odd about Ger, actually---- about 60% of the still shots I see of him are rather unimpressive. But to watch him in a film- yumm-o!! And I'm not just having residual twitterpations over his uber-ripped & oily torso in 300 (which is not to say that such residuals wouldn't be totally dogdamned justified!) but really there's a whole slew of movies that he's nice to ogle in. Hell, the movie "Timeline" exists solely for the purposes of ogling Gerard Butler. Ugh.. FOR REALS, amigos....that flick is a rolled up crap crepe with shitty poop filling. THAT bad. So unless you have a *severe* Ger. jones...don't even watch it gratis on TV.
And "The Ugly Truth" is a fine Butler fix. It has some cute moments too...mostly on account of Heigl I must say. But of course it was total formulaic pablum... and really the most predictable of its whole predictable ilk. But yeeeeaah, I liked it (guiltily so). Cinematic junk food. A Peep of a movie.

Oh, forgot to mention...the only showtime for this movie is 9:45pm. Yep, I'm there 9:45pm on a Thursday night. As you can imagine, I didn't exactly have to do battle for a decent seat. Actually, I was surprised when I heard the door open and allow in other moviegoers during the 2nd preview. Or, I thought it was moviegoers... I didn't realize, until after the flick was over and I did an about-face to the EXIT, that actually it was just uno moviegoer. Yep. Just me and one other soul. Some middle aged broad. And it struck me as amusingly apropos...ohhh yes, "The Ugly Truth" is just the sort of movie that a broad goes to see alone. Lovely. As I filed outta the theater after her, I suddenly panicked that if *she *was gonna show *ME* up and out-pathetic me by going home to 5 cats, then I would simply have to cross the parking lot to Price Chopper to buy some cookie dough and commence to eating it raw outta the tube. And with what reading accompaniment, do ya think? Woman's World or True Romance magazine??

Ok..for the record..I did NOT do that...the cookie dough nor the mag.. there was no throwdown showdown of pathetic betwixt me & moviegoing stranger lady

Sunday, August 23, 2009

it's a big enough umbrella but it's always me that ends up getting wet

Long time no bloggie. Forgive me. If it's any consolation, I am in a glum place, right now, looking at my first Monday back to work after a week's vacation (my big adventure was a daytrip to NYC. I put the photos on Facebook if ya wanna see). And it's not just a pure I-hate-the-9-to-5-grind sort of dread that I feel upon my return. I get a nervous dread. Kinda like: What did they figure out about me when I wasn't around to watch my own back? I always get that feelin' when I get done a vacation. Paranoid? Perhaps a little.

The other night I was checking the offerings for Comcast On Demand music vids. What I was really in the mood for was classic, back-in-tha- day videos, but I found that even though they had a smattering of vids in a "Totally 80s" category from VH1 Classsic, they didn't really have anything that great (Eddie Money, anyone? mehh.) However, I did enjoy this one--

Not my *fave* Police song (though I do like it) and I really like best the music vids with storylines. That said though, you can't help but like this. Goofy antics from a gaggle of rather cute fellahs...what's not to like. Well, in Sting's case, "rather cute" is rather an understatement. Every time I see Sting (even modern-day old Sting) I am struck anew with " Wow, I forgot what a fox he is. Yumm-o!" And Sting circa 1981 is at optimum yumminess. Really, the most marvelous thing about this video is that Sting makes an Ed Norton hat + short sleeve sweatshirt= DAMN sexy. Not everyone can achieve that!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

coffee table book-palooza

I am a hopeless collector of coffee table books. It's not that I must have EVERY book proffered in the Borders Bargain Corral, but I have been unable to resist many, many, many of 'em.

I think the genre name "coffee table books" significantly limits these books. It was no less than a stroke of GENIUS for me to take 3 of my "coffee table book" collection and install them in the magazine rack in the bathroom of my folks' house. Yes, there is a magazine rack in there. Not only is there a magazine rack, but it goes much deeper than that. Said rack is the lower half of a mini island next to the toilet, planned &built by my very own grandfather when he built the house. So there you have it. Reading on the shitter is IN MY GENES.

Magazines are all well and good, but don't your eyes kinda glaze over and you get annoyed/bore (bore-noyed) with 4month old mags when you've perused 'em 20 or 30 times before?? So why not trash 'em all and instead have some fine nonfiction lit? You can get some educational input whilest making with some, err, output.

One of the books I put in the potty-island 'zine rack is American Songbook. I kinda dig folk music like that (partly because lots of it has a backstory...y'know the whole oral history aspect of folk music) I find myself amused with how at the top left hand corner of these songs is ....well, it's kind of like stage direction . An adverbial/adjectival clause to clue you in the manner in which you should belt out the following song. For example-- America the Beautiful? The top lefthand corner word is "MAJESTICALLY". Swing Low Sweet Chariot: "WITH FEELING". For some reason, The Yellow Rose of Texas is "SPIRITED" but Dixie is "WITH SPIRIT". Hmmm, I suppose there is some subtle difference there.

It might be amusing to do a parody songbook where the only parts that were parody were those stage direction words. Just put the most befuddling things you can there to confound anyone who might genuinely look to those for guidance. Yeees, sing this next one "Quixotically but with a soupçon of skepticism"

One of my best c.t.bk finds was at this year's *magnifico* Five Colleges Booksale. Thing is FRIGGEN GINORMOUS, so I'm afraid it would quite overwhelm the potty-island zine rack. It's Terence Conran's House Book circa 1974. Despite its publication date, there is barely anything in this book that is too faaaaaar out dated. Lots of cool design. So this is what passes for fun for me and my sister... a few nights after I got this we paged through the whole fatty brick of a book --448 illustrated pages --- and played a game of "Okay, I'm locked in on which one I like best. Guess which one's my fave."

Yeah, we're both so old and dullsville we didn't even turn that into a drinking game. (Nooo! I like the dark beadboard with the No. 14 chairs and stained glass light fixture. Do a shot of Jäger!!)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tea with Mona Lisa

I like its brief history of attacks on art (art attacks..haaa) and also that it mentions Stendhal Syndrome which is damned interesting and happens to be referenced in the book I'm reading (Diary by Chuck Palahniuk)

recommended reading

Don't ask me how, but I got to reading up on Spring Heeled Jack today. I'd heard of him before, but the refresher course was compelling. It's some fascinating shit..

I'll share here a bizarro pic to rouse your curiosity (rouse it enough to conquer your link-o-phobia, yes I mean you, Jill)

the freaky and the geeky

One of my coworkers just joined Facebook and friended me. This coworker--Eileen-- I think I may have groused about her before. I do disparage her from time to time, but I can't manage to do so without winding up with this thick residue of GUILTY all over me. She is nothing but nice to me, and in general is 100% good will toward one and all. I feel I must be petty and/or evil to be irked by her but nevertheless.. .. yeah...she is so geeky it pains me.

For one thing, she's got this excessive enthusiasm about EVERYTHING. I gave her like, 4 large binder clips for a project and that evoked 2 minutes of "Oh WOW. Thank you. These are great. Aren't these great? They work really really well. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Wow." Please note here that though I may have a mile-wide mean streak, I do work to suppress it. Therefore, I limit my response to "You're welcome, Eileen" and refrain from adding "just simmer the hell down, wouldja?"

REEEEALLY vexing is her propensity for looking over my shoulder at my computer screen. She doesn't even attempt sneakiness. She'll inquire as to what page I'm on. "Ah, well, Eileen, I'm not supposed to be pissing away company time on the internet right at the moment, but ohhh sure...why don't I send you the link??"

Also she does this thing when someone's cell phone goes off. Y'know it's embarrassing enough when you forget to shut off your cell at work (or neglect to switch it to vibrate) but when one goes off in the office with its own unique tune or tone or whatever, Eileen invariably goes "WHAT is THAT??" But not joking, or like she's trying to tactfully ask "Who's the stupid schmoe who left their cell on & unattended?" She says this--everytime-- like she's genuinely bewildered. I really don't know how someone over the age of 6 can get this far into the 21st century and not recognize what a fucking cell phone sounds like. If she wasn't proficient in Microsoft Excel, I might seriously suspect she was a golden retriever trapped in a person body.

Anyways, all that grousing (possibly re-grousing...I can't remember all my past blathering) just to preface the fact that she friended me on Facebook. And OF COURSE I accepted. I haven't the spine to reject anybody (consequently I have a lot of WTFs on my Friends list, lemme tell ya) I accepted with a feeling just like I felt when I friended my aunt. Like, I'd known for weeks she'd gotten on FB, but was blissfully ignoring the fact, when two of my cousins "recommended her " to me. I dunno what kind of pushy asshat does such a thing (my cousins, apparently). So that ended my run of pretending not to know she was on Facebook, so I friended her...with mucho reluctance.

Now on to the freaky... I was accessing this patient file to check for insurance info (don't worry, am not going to divulge any names here...no HIPAA violations on this bloggity blog!!) and on the first page of a patient profile, there's this space "Non-clinical Notes" it's called. In there we input little helpful hints such as "if no answer to your knock, walk in. Door is open, patient slow to get up" or "Make sure you don't let the cats out!" Well, I happened to catch a glimpse of the nonclinical note for this particular patient and it read: PATIENT & HUSBAND HAVE A MONKEY THEY CONSIDER A CHILD; PLEASE REFER TO IT THAT WAY.

Ooookay. I'm mildly weirded out by just the first sentence, but concede that I am a bit biased on account of some anti-monkey sentiment I harbor. I mean, freakin' monkeys KILLED THE DEPUTY MAYOR OF NEW DELHI. Okay, this was some time ago, (2007)and I wasn't particularly close with the deputy mayor, but nevertheless, it's an apt example of what crazy unpredictable mo-fos monkeys can be. I, personally, would *NOT* keep one for a pet. Ok, that said, I can be open minded (when I try hard) and allow: some people like filthy monkeys ...and like 'em enough to domesticate them. And OK--people get very schmoopy about their pets, think of them as their "babies". ...still passing for semi-normal here. It's that last sentenece, though, that gets me, makes me wonder about this lady's relations with reality (or lack thereof). So now everytime I read this patient's name (during my day-to-day med supply ordering duties) I hafta chuckle and wonder just how our nurses' visits there go. I wonder what kind of hell breaks loose if they mistakenly refer to the pet monkey as...(gasp!) a pet monkey.