I'm sorry...I DON'T SPEAK FREAKY-DEAKY DUTCH

Ok, I think with this confession I have to relinquish any claims I have to being a bona fide sophisticate but, dammit, I can't hold it in--- I LOVE AUSTIN POWERS.

Oooh.. I feel so gauche.

My niece turned 13 yesterday and she was waaay stoked to watch a PG-13 movie...not her 1st, but the previous few were sneaked and not parentally sanctioned. Anyway, she was acting like it was some big time rite o' passage...it was pretty cute. I went up last night for homemade pizza and cupcakes and then got to share in the inaugural PG-13 flick-- "Austin Powers: Goldmember" (which she got out of the Big Lots bargain bin for $3.)
There were a few feeble sight gags in the flick but most of the movie CRACKED ME UP. Well, I had seen it before. Hell, I own it, I bet I paid full new DVD price for it too, (which retrospectively irks me when I consider the killer bargain price Chloe got on it) I got it right when it came out, and this was before "Previewed DVDs" flooded the market and drove down the average price of DVDs in general. So obviously, if I paid upwards of SIXTEEN DOLLARS for a DVD (gaaaasp!!) I already loved Austin Powers. But I just forgot that somehow. It's funny that that movie (the 3rd in the series) was out in 2002 and it feels to me like it was really rummaging waaaay back in the archives. Silly.

In other pop-culture inconsequentia (yeah. I fabricated that word. What of it? Piss off, eh?) I read an article about TV Shows That Have Jumped the Shark (incidentally, I feel like the phrase "jumped the shark" has jumped the shark) and one of the sorry shows mentioned (and pictured in the accompanying slideshow) was "Two and a Half Men" . I don't think I even read the caption on that one, but just a 12 second glimpse of Sheen & Cryer got that godawful "Two and a Half Men" theme song stuck in my head. I suppose that's instant karma in action...bad things happen to bums who shirk their work duties to tarry online. And believe y'all me...it IS a bad thing...I've had many a song stuck in my head over the years but "menmenmenmen manly men men men men" has gotta be the absolute shittiest.

I'm no Sporty Spice...

...so it's seldom I tarry on ESPN blogs & the like. But from time to time, there is a sports-related news blurb ridiculous enough to snare my attention.

This one, for instance. Laughable!! If God follows anyone on Twitter, it's gonna be the Pope or like, Julie Andrews, it sure as hell ain't gonna be some lunkhead from the NFL.

Even more laughable-- imagining God lashing back via Twitter. Picture that celeb-tattle rag headline: "Bills Wide Receiver and THE ALMIGHTY in Nasty Twitter Row"

I am a frequent visitor of the HuffPost comedy site...today, while perusing their new offerings I spotted Funniest Notes to Bad Parkers . Generally, I'm a sucker for a good comedy slideshow, but strangely, this one got me feeling more defensive than amused. A lot of times, people get forced into a bad parking job by the cars already parked in the vicinity. If the truck to the left of the vacant space is straddling the painted line, then you--if taking aforesaid vacancy-- are going to inevitably park just as badly. And then that truck starts up and goes home (with the aid of its driver, of course) and your car is left there, absorbing all the guilt. So, OK, yes, this has happened to me more than once, but I swear, it 's a general sense of injustice I speak from... feeling defensive on behalf of ALL chastised parkers everywhere.

I would never leave a note on a car like this...unless I absolutely *knew * that they parked that way out of ineptitude. And if I were to leave a note, I'm certain I wouldn't be irate enough to use the word "asshat" in it....even though I think it's a HILARIOUS thing to call someone. Bad parking is a pretty innocuous offense, after all. Just chillax, folks.

Some strange lady started chatting me up in Walmart last night…I don’t know just how I discern the general friendly folk from the “I don’t think her elevator goes all the way to the top floor” types…but this lady from last night, I think she was of the latter group. I was digging through the $5 DVD bin, and she’s like “Anything good in there?” Sensible enough opening, but shortly thereafter she starts telling me about her work hours being cut down and her money woes and how she applied at Walmart and is stressed about Christmas…talking to me like I was an old pal or freakin’ Delilah (ever heard her on the radio?? Blecch) And her whole diatribe is interspersed with sighs of “Oooh BOOGERS” which seemed to be her preferred exclamation of lament.

So, when she finally got occupied with the contents of the $5 bin, I kinda skulked off the the scene. But 15 minutes later, all the way on the other side of the store, I’m looking through the boxed Christmas cards and suddenly, at my left shoulder: “Christmas cards, huh? Oooh BOOGERS.”

I don’t know why I’m not good with random strangers being friendly at me. I mean, I don’t handle it as badly as I could…it’s not as if I mace them…but I feel like I should proffer some reciprocal friendliness (but it’s rare that I can manage it)

I did a little remainder-of-2010 budgeting and came to the conclusion that THIS upcoming paycheck (droppin’ on Thurs) is THE one that is going to finance the bulk of my Christmas shopping. So I have to shift into that gear post haste… to this end, I bought me some music on iTunes.

I’ve bought a gift or two already (ok, specifics--5 specifically allocated gifts & 3 “oh, this’ll be nice for…someone” items) but the Christmas shopping PUSH hasn’t quite commenced. Usually picking out my cards gets me in the right frame of mind (I think I’ll check Kmart tomorrow…scoff if you will, but I usually have very good luck with Christmas cards at Kmart. ) But also I thought it might be wise to purge the selfish spending impulses from my being. .. .hence the aforementioned iTunes spree.

Does 9 songs constitute a spree? It’s all relative, I suppose. Hmmm, well, gauging by my average consumption rates, I’m going to rule that you need a minimum of 15 songs to officially have a “spree”. So I indulged in a half-spree (or a “demi-spree” if you will…I hope you will, as I think that sounds classier)

The specifics of my demi-spree--

1.Sweet Disposition [by The Temper Trap]-- this is the song that anyone and everyone is appropriating for their commercials these days. Oh, you know it --”A Moment. A Love. A Dream. A Laugh….”That one. I anticipate its television ubiquity making me hate it, eventually. But it’s still new-ish to me and for now I think it’s a lovely, feel good song…

2. Sleepyhead [ Passion Pit]-- the first time I listened to this (today, on a long car drive) I was all “WHAT THE FRACK DID I BUY??” It was a track that iTunes recommended to me (I believe based on the fact that I’d previously bought “Good Ol’ Fashioned Nightmare” by Matt & Kim) and the 30 second preview was appealing, so I thought I’d give it a go. With its opening half minute comprised of nonsensical jabber (sounding something akin to a LOLCAT speaking Japanese ) I was initially perplexed by the song. But the more I listen to it the more I like it. No, I’m not just saying that to stave off regret over an uninformed impulse buy. I really am liking it now (which is not to say I‘m now un-perplexed ). It sounds like an artsy audio collage. That seems an apt description to me, but I suspect it's not that helpful to the uninitiated, so here.

3. I’m Goin’ Down [Bruce Springsteen]-- In late August, I read an online article (in Paste, or some music-snob 'zine) which interviewed Ezra Koenig (lead singer of Vampire Weekend, and really too adorable for words..) about his formative musical influences. And Koenig, but of course, listened to all these artists at 7 yrs old that I’m just figuring out who the *^%$# they are. But he also mentioned that, in recent years, he was sorta rediscovering Bruce Springsteen. And then , mid September, I went to see Vampire Weekend in Springfield MA, and Ezra did a cover of this song (oh yeah, the rest of the band helped out, I guess..) that was really cool. And it made me want to revisit the original (which--sorry Ezra , darling--is undisputably the best) So I didn’t have a complete Boss renaissance, but I did get a renewed appreciation for this song. This song is IMMENSELY RAD. It didn’t knock “I’m On Fire” off the top spot of my mental roster of “Bestest Springsteen Songs” but it did tie it. My #2 on said roster-- in case you’re just dying to know --is “Radio Nowhere”

4. Cherchez la Femme [Dr Buzzard’s Original Savannah Band] --It’s my sister’s M.O. to talk about songs she likes, but never know those songs‘, actual, given titles. She instead takes some line of the song that just resonates most with her and she gives the song that line as a title. It’s always a bit of a chore to figure out what song she’s telling me she likes. I confess, from time to time, I rename songs in this same way. This song, for instance, I have always thought of as “Tommy Mottola Lives on the Road”

So, I’m in the middle of my demi-spree, and got a hankerin’ to throw something disco in the mix…so I purchased “Tommy Mottola Lives on the Road”. It’s a good song but not great for a disco fix. It has a pretty sweet Manilow vibe to it, but it’s not overly danceable Although…wonder if Dr Buzzard & co. ever played Soul Train. Those cats on Soul Train can dance to absolutely *anything*!!

I think learning this song’s actual title motivated me to buy it. I yearn to learn French, but haven’t, for a number of reasons…but I do like to pick up scraps of français where I can.. It baffled me a bit though..they pronounce “femme” as FOM. That can't possibly be correct??

5. Generals & Majors [XTC]-- checked this out on the recommendation of June, a nurse I work with, one of the elite handful of genuinely cool people at the agency (though, when you hear a straight-outta-1953 name like "June" it doesn't bring coolness to mind. She's an anomaly like that .) We were talking music…and she was avowing her love of the New Wave genre, and rattled off some of her fave New Wavers…could not believe I didn’t know anything by XTC. So I checked them out and really dug this particular track. Lyrically, there’s not anything that hooks ya here, but the music is terrif-- upbeat New Wave with WHISTLING!!

　6. Space Age Love Song [Flock of Seagulls]--- I can attest, firsthand: this song is the perfect soundtrack to zippiing down the interstate. Listen to it. It sounds like driving down the interstate.

7. Harvey & Sheila [ Allan Sherman]-- I swear, every iTunes buy includes at least one song--a little weird and/ or hokey--- that I am sort of sheepish about liking .. Even in a half spree we got one..

Anyway--screw you guys--Allan Sherman is funny (or was…he must be dead by now, right?)

I liked the idea of a song parodying “hava nagilah”

8. Down with the Sickness [Disturbed]-- I am usually averse to “angry music” but that are a couple exceptional songs of that ilk that I find strangely appealing. This song would be one of those. Although this track I downloaded has a profanity-laden tirade in the middle of it that I’d not heard ( since I suppose I’d always heard this song on the radio and they woulda cut that bit out) Normally, I’m all for bonus profanity, but I don’t like this part of the song…it’s all dark ravings about his mother. I don’t listen to this song because I’m interested in this guy’s fucked up mommy issues--no way. I’m pretty much just listening for that berzerker death metal monkey sound : “oooh WA AH AH AH!!” Yeeeaah. ..that’s the stuff.

9.”Surfin’ Bird” [the Trashmen]--almost didn’t buy this because I have a version of Surfin’ Bird performed by the Ramones. But I’m very glad I did get this. This song is f-ing ridiculous in the most magical way…the Ramones (great though they may be) don’t even come close to recapturing that.