Ok, first order of business: Celebrity Duets was on last night. Let's recap, shall we?
Before I rate the contestants, though, I want to judge the judges...
David Foster-- He is really settling in quite comfortably into the role of the panel's obligatory tough-as-nails bastard. This persona is grating, but I'm sorta resigning myself to it. What's really annoying is his tendencies for self-promotion. He has a hard time limiting his comments to the performances only. He'll occasionally say "Now, would I produce you?" or he'll preface something with "If I had you in the studio.." and both just strike me as his oh-so subtle way of saying to viewers: "Hey. David Foster,here. Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal."
The keywords here methinks are "kind of". I mean, if he's such a HOT producer, with LA clout and Grammys up the hoo-hah, then he oughtta be secure in his power and not have to continually remind people what a big shot he is. Sheeesh!!
MARIE OSMOND-- I can see she is totally ecstatic to be back on the tube. However, I also sense that she's TERRIFIED that Tutti Fruity is going to outshine her. So she's been doing her homework--literally. This woman has read--cover to cover and back again--"1001 Jokes, Puns, & Limericks for Kids" and WOWEEE does it show! Marie was really letting the groan-inducing zingers fly last night--
Her praise for Hal Sparks: "Hal to the chief!!" (Oy!)
After Cheech Marin's duet: "Thank you for showing us the reach of Cheech.." (Ummm. Ok?)
After Carly Patterson sang with the Pointer Sisters' Anita Pointer: "Anita Pointer must have really given you some good pointers!!" (Urrr. I'm dumber for having listened to that.)
Keep trying Marie!! You can hold your own next to Li'l Richard, I knows you can!! Maybe show up drunk next episode??
LITTLE RICHARD-- This man's oddly riveting line of gibberish nearly prevented me from taking note of his spectacular head of hair. Little Richard has the most exotic mullet in show biz. 50% oily rat hair, 50% lhasa apso, and 100% MAGNIFIQUE!!
And really, it's a smart idea for him to keep himself so lovely, considering how the judges are really just ornamental to the show now. Yep, now it's : vote, vote, vote, vote early, vote often, as the outcome of Celeb Duets is in the hands of the foolish public! If that's the way they wanted to run the show, then I'm wondering why they let the judges make the big decision in the first episode. Seems unfair. "We're going to give you a fleeting taste of power, Bastard, Fruit Cup, & Marie, but don't get accustomed to it, ya hear??" It's like they're toying with them.....cool.
Now, as for what the judges had to pretend-judge...
HAL SPARKS was up first. Later on in the show, one of his supporters in the audience waved a sign reading "I'm Your Gal Hal!!" Hmmm.
Actually, I'm not entirely sure Hal is into the gals. And yet... I am not thoroughly convinced that he is NOT into gals. I think it's probably his infinitesimal but very theatrical swatch of facial hair that lends him that aura of mystery. Well, anyways, for a fellah whose sexual prefs are sorta ambiguous, he generated a fair amount of heat with WYNONA of all people. That's a long Y sound in the name, I'll mention, lest you confuse her with any famous shoplifters. Hal & Wy sang "I Want To Know What Love Is" with their undercarriages smooshed firmly together (no fooling) and Hal even stole a smooch at the song's end. To quote the Honorable Fruity Monster-mullet: "Hoooooo! My, my, my, my, my, MY!" As for the singing part of the thing, they did a really good job of it. I had grown desensitized to the song, having heard Foreigner whine their way through it somewhere close to a bajillion times. But they actually made me like the song again.
LEAH THOMPSON-- Oh, Leah. I'd had such high hopes for you. But you really disappointed last night!! In her pre-performance interview, L confided her biggest fear was embarrassing her teen daughters. Well, I think she should've recalled that sentiment before she took to the stage looking like an aging hooker! Ok, that was harsh. Her dress was actually kind of cute except for the fact the cooter-to-hemline distance was scandalously teensy. I think she felt pressured to sex it up, it being her 1st appearance on stage with another girl. She was confident that neither Randy Travis or Mikey Bolton (her prev. duet partners) were gonna "outfox" her. But now she had to sing alongside the lovely and talented Belinda Carlisle. So she donned a rather attention getting dress. And it was odd--incongruous, I'd say--to see Leah so sluttily attired. She is such a wholesomely pretty lady...it was like looking at a Midge doll that had raided the Bratz wardrobe. Also she opted for a real attention grabbing opening. Oy that opening! She did this KAPOWIE big action opening, lunging at the camera, trying to ooze ferocity. I was frightened! I mean, sudden movements tend to make me jump anyway, skittish little poppet that I am, but my BIG fear was that she was about to do a Tae Bo kick of some sort. And in that dress, a high kick could quite possibly result in the FCC shutting down the whole Celebrity Duets party. Then you would've ruined EVERYONE'S good time Miss Amanda Jones, how would that have made you feel??
Belinda outsang, outshone, and certainly outclassed Leah. "Heaven is a Place on Earth" is a shitty song to do as a duet, and Leah sounded shitty. But after the song, Belinda was gracious enough to gush about how well their voices blended together. I thought the exact opposite was true, actually. And then the judges really baffled me and gave the duet glowing reviews. I think they're all high off of Little Richard's wig shellac. That's the only explanation that makes any sense!!
CHEECH MARIN-- He was definitely most improved. I thought he did a pretty great job, even if he did have to sing a country song (that vile vile musical pablum! A pox upon the airwaves!) Of course, Fathead Foster had something disparaging to say, but he can go suck eggs. Yaaay, Cheech!!
CARLY PATTERSON -- She was definitely more relaxed than on the premier episode. Maybe a stay of execution created in her a real sense of exhilaration. She sang "I'm So Excited" with Anita Pointer. She seemed to really be having a good time with it and looked cute in some casual threads rather than the prom wear she sported in episode 1. Still, that performance had such a Wheeeee! GIRL POWER! feel to it that it woulda felt apropos for her to be singing it into a hairbrush rather than a mic.
David Foster called it "Not bad. But not great." Which was pretty restrained of him. This was an opportunity to release some really scathing criticism and he held back. Why is he intent on being nice to Carly Patterson?? I think, maybe, he wants to get her into the "studio". Eh? If you catch me drift, eh? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. (if you are not catching my drift, cut out phrase "the studio" substitute "the sack". It may now begin to dawn on you)
LUCY LAWLESS-- She seemed really, really excited to see Kenny Loggins. As if they weren't just surprising the audience by revealing her mystery duet partner, but she wasn't in on who it was either. But I figure she probably knew. She clapped her hands and hopped up and down like an eager little fan girl who just might wet 'em because she saw old Kenny hobbling onstage. Ok, so he didn't hobble but he for real looked pretty decrepit. And then they sang "Whenever I Call you Friend".Which I hate. Sure ya get those immature giggles from the repeated assertion "I know forever we'll be DOING IT right" (Huh huhhuh huh..He said, doing it. Did you hear that, Beavis??) but after that novelty wears off, you've got a real sad sack of a song. With flaky lyrics, if ever you can make out what the hell's being sung.
ALFONSO RIBIERO-- sang "On the Wings of Love"with James Ingram. No qualms with this duet. As y'all know, I feel 'Fonso can do no wrong. Fathead Foster seems to be warming up to him slightly. Although he condemned his dancing,(of all things!) obviously ignorant of the tremendous contribution Carl- I mean, Alfonso, has made to the art of dance. (Fool!) And then Foster tossed out one of his frequent "If I had you in the studio..." How damned presumptuous of you, sir! When Ribiero makes his breakthrough double platinum album, what makes you think he'll come knocking on your studio door. This man knows Will Smith, ya know! And you-- well you produce Streisand records, so that doesn't exactly make you au courant, you cocky S.O.B.
JAI RODRIGUEZ-- In his pre-performance interview he expressed nervousness about excess phlegm-iness, possibly some kind of head cold. And I thought to meself "Yesssss! Those bedtime prayers are really paying off! God is sabotaging him for me!" But then he came out on stage and really nailed it. Grrr. He sang "Back at One" with Brian McKnight. Some waaay rabid Brian McKnight fan was screaming her weave off. Like, not "Wooo-hoo! Brian McKnight, he is an R&B superstar, I love him!" type of scream. It sounded more like a chainsaw murderer was bearing down on her, it was that type of scream. But she only got like 3 of those blood-curdlers out, I suspect the Celebrity Duets Crowd Control promptly detained her or hosed her down or chloroformed her or whatever. Which is a pity. Because I think more horrified screaming is just what is needed to make that song more tolerable. That awful, awful, insipid song. It's like listening to a g.d. recipe.
It was misleading of me to start out with "first order of business" and get you people anticipating a "second order of business" and quite possibly a "third order of business" but I'm plumb run outta steam, my pretties. I'm sorry if I let y'all down. But I gotsta rest up for a big day of shopping tomorrow. Me, Laura, & Kristi are doing a big mall day (down in Holyoke) sans kiddies. It'll be mostly a browsing expedition por moi--if I'm sensible. But y'know, consumer restraint is an even more tiring exercise than just shopping, so I'm gonna wrap it up and turn in.
Bon soir!!
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