..TREAD CAREFULLY IN THE SHOWER!!!
When I got home Thursday after work.... I step through the door and hear an alarm I've never heard before sounding from within my abode. Now even though I can't see or smell any smoke, I immediately think,"Fuck! The place is on fire!" (the roof! the roof! the roof is on fire! WE DON'T NEED NO WATER LET THE MUTHAFUCKA BURRRRRN!!) I soon surmised that it was not the fire alarm going off. I followed the sound and wound up in the bathroom...where I found that my shower radio had un-suctioned itself from the shower stall wall, fallen, and landed right on the "ALARM" button. The big red button that will--presumably--beckon the much-needed aid when I (God forbid) slip in the shower and Humpty-Dumptyfy my skull. That alarm button.
I'm thinking , "How long has this f-er been going off and nobody's responded?" Ok, to be fair to my landlords, they were not home when I got in, so possibly they left before the thing ever started going off. Also, I didn't even hear the alarm until I stepped into my apartment. Nevertheless, I was distressed by this image of an alternate reality where I've actually fallen in the shower, but I have the presence of mind to hit my stupid shower radio ALARM button on the way down, and I'm somehow incapacitated, a pathetic, nakey heap on my shower floor (prone, down amongst all the wet tumbleweeds of my own hair that I'm too lazy to clean outta there) and tragically clinging to false hope. Oh, somebody is probably running to investigate this odd, shrill alarm now. Ok, now they're probably just hearing the shower radio alarm...will probably try calling me on the phone soon. Surely, somebody is hearing this alarm? Neighborhood dogs, maybe? But y'know on the other hand, I don't like the idea of being rescued from a shower accident by anybody. Particularly by any member of my neighboring landlord fam (*shudders*) I could probably subsist on water (because I didn't get to turn it off...I was too busy making sure to hit my shower radio alarm button, y'see? I can only multi-task so much whilest falling down to shatter my femur) and shredded wheat-like bundles of my own hair until I healed up somewhat. Healed up enough to hobble to my vehicle and hasten to an ER. But still it vexes me that that alarm button probably added somewhat to the retail price of my shower radio, and therefore I paid extra for a feature that is not just totally useless, but it's actually been DETRIMENTAL to me by giving me a false sense of security. But, since I'm pretty sure I paid less than $10 for the thing, this falls under "mildly vexed" rather than my usual "mightily vexed".
I am glad that my mother would never read this blog (as she is not quite sure what an internet does) because if she read such things, she would commence to fretting her ass off and might possibly outfit me with a Life Alert necklace.
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