I must confess: I am totally ghetto in the movie theater—I run my mouth throughout the whole feature. I had fooled myself into believing that I saved my commentary until I had a real witticism to impart (doing sort of a restrained MST3K sort of thing), but that is not the case. Yes, a good deal of my commentary is of the comic variety, but I also find I do a lot in the “Oh no he di’ in’t!” vein. In my defense though, I keep it pretty much sotto voce.

I came to this realization (that my theater chatter had gotten out of control) last night when I went to see He’s Just Not That Into You. For the majority of the flick, I was not able to see Bradley Cooper come onscreen without hissing, “You BASTARD!!” and, during one scene in Home Depot, verbalizing my wish to see him run over by a fork lift. In Scarlett Johansen’s first scene in the movie, she got totally geeky over winning a cooler, and I found it kind of endearing, and I thought: Wow, a movie where I might actually like ScarJo—how novel! Well, soon after, I did a drastic 180, and in fact, for much of the movie, I couldn’t see ScarJo come onscreen without sputtering “WHOOORE!” Not to give anything away. Heaven forfend that I let fly a dreaded spoiler. People are freakin’ RABID about spoilers, are they not? I’m recollecting an instance where I posted a question about a movie on its IMDB message board, and instead of the clarification I needed, I got RIPPED A NEW ONE because I had posed the question and neglected to put SPOILER in the subject line, bracketed by the obligatory 15 asterisks. C’mon now. Browsing a movie’s IMDB message board is like traipsing through a spoiler mine field and if you’re SO intensely spoilerphobic, perhaps you should refrain from doing so until after seeing the movie, eh? Jackass. But I digress….

My reactions weren’t ALL negative. Overall I dug the movie, even though I was planning not to (because I wanted to see Watchmen more, but Rox was too chickensh*t to see that) Oh, and if you didn’t “Awwww” in response to Justin Long saying [*SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT*] “You’re my exception.” well, then you’re made of stone. I gotta say, this movie made me kinda wanna marry Justin Long. And Ginnifer Goodwin was actually likable/ adorable enough to be worthy of him. So that storyline was gratifying. I thought Kevin Connelly was cute too…particularly that little vignette during the end credits, that was another “Awwww” from me.

I wasn’t the only one talking by the way. I’m pretty sure some chick on the other side of the theater was also calling Bradley Cooper bad names. Oh, y’know, one of the trailers before the feature was for All About Steve, in which Bradley Cooper plays (you guessed it) Steve. And I think Steve is actually not supposed to be a a-hole…or maybe Steve is an a-hole who reforms during the course of the story. Either way, I don’t know if I’ll be able to buy Bradley Cooper in such a role. Total, irredeemable a-hole is the guy’s specialty, am I right? I’m searching my brain for anything I’ve seen the guy in where his character was a decent human being, and I’m coming up with nada. Oh, and Roxanne was talking too. Not a lot…but she kept saying “I’m confused. There’s so many characters!!”
Sheesh--makes me glad I didn’t talk her into seeing Watchmen!!