This Just in: Vacation Recap Delayed Due to EPIC Television Event

FOX -- Thursday at 9pm: I strongly urge you to tune in. Wait--I take that back! Rather, I COMMAND you to tune in. Do as I say. You shall thank me for it. Celebrity Duets is the cat's jammies, YO! Here are the contenders--

ALFONSO RIBIERO-- Celebrity Duets, you had me at Alfonso Ribiero. I mean, the concept of the show didn't dazzle me...it's a slight variation on last year's "But Can They Sing?" (VH1) except with an unfortunate Ahmet Zappa shortage (waaah!) . So it was not the premise that drew me in, but rather the promise of seeing Alfonso on my screen once more that compelled me to tune in (them italics by the way are intended to showcase my mediocre pun humor) And he did not disappoint...I didn't think he could top his 1st duet ("Knew You Were Waiting For Me" with Kellie Williams) but later he sang with James Ingram (some song--"I Will Be There" or "God Will Be There" I couldn't really tell which one they were singing.. originally James sang it with Michael McDonald) and they blew the roof off tha muthafunker! Plus, he promised to treat the public to a li'l Carlton dance if he makes it in to the finals. Yesssss. I now have a new plea to close out every bedtime prayer: "Dear God, please help Alfonso Ribiero duet his little ass off and win on Celebrity Duets" Truthfully, I'm also wanting to request an Alfonso-Tom Jones duet later in the season, but I think adding that on would just be greedy.
CHRIS JERICHO-- of WWE fame and a mediocre VH1 clip show regular. He was the first eliminated and quite rightfully so. First off, he did this slow country song (unpleasant to begin with, before you add the crappy wrestler singing) and he had on an unfortunate jacket (I'm sure it was leather, and probably beaucoup bucks, but it looked like shiny Halloween costume vinyl--oh and he had the collar turned up..homage to Fonzie?) and as he gazed sweetly into Leanne Womack's eyes, his hand hovered just above her shoulder, as if he were frightened and not entirely sure that she wasn't electrified. The whole tableau + his amateurish singing made me think: jock in the high school musical. It was BAD. He improved slightly on his 2nd duet, but that's only because it was a faster song that allowed him to holler and run around.
CARLY PATTERSON-- some former Olympic gymnast. I don't think "former Olympic gymnast" should ever be a subset of the "Celebrity" category because they're just not very interesting people. Sorry, sweetheart. She was very awkward in her duet with James Ingram (song was "Somewhere out There" and I must confess I love that song. I discovered that this program featured a lot of songs I was sheepish to admit I liked. In other words, I came for the Alfonso Ribiero....I stayed for the schmaltzy tune fix) and they wrapped up the fiasco with the HOKIEST. ENDING. EVERRRRR! At the end, when they sang the last word (a high "truuuuuuuue") they looked into the camera, with their noggins pressed ear to ear, and slowly drew their mics away from their mouth. ACK! Just typing what they did does not adequately convey the horrid hokiness of it... you've got to catch a rerun of this premier and see for yo'self.
LEAH THOMPSON-- She can really belt it out, but that didn't surprise me. Wayne Brady was hyping her up like she's this amaaaazing novice, some kind of prodigy, but I knew better (stupid Wayne Brady!). I remembered her stint as a fabulous, world famous, Jem-like rock idol. Yes, it was in the movie "Howard the Duck" but that still counts as experience. On a purely aesthetic note, she looks great...even better than in her Amanda Jones days. Probably because she has downsized her coiff and no longer wears the blazer-business casual shorts combos.
LUCY LAWLESS-- In keeping with my superficial appraisals.... lemme just say..Lucy is looking much better now than in her Xena days. A big part of it is her hair-- she went blonde (which usually I don't advocate, but it's more flattering for her, really) Wardrobe was a factor too, I guess, it was nice to see her in some softer, more human threads than in that bull-dyke armor get-up she's famous for.
Her 1st duet was "Time, Love, & Tenderness" with Mikey Bolton. Now, she didn't make any obvious vocal missteps that I could detect, but then again, Los Bolton tends to drown everything else out. Like, really, he creates this sound vacuum where all you can hear is his tremendous , straining-at-a-stubborn-stool singing. But she was good when she sang with Smokey Robinson. I thought they might smooch. There were definitely sparks there. Also there was...
HAL SPARKS--- Holycrap that segue was AWESOME!!! Anywhoo Hal is, for real, competing on this show. I was totally surprised to see him there. Like, he seems to have a too irreverant/ sarcastic persona to be on a show like this. A show that I could see him mocking. But not only was he surprisingly present, he was surprisingly good, I thought. His "Tracks of My Tears" (con Senor Robinson) was terrific, although the third music producer judge (David Foster) panned his performance. But it was completely uncalled for, I tells ya. It was as if, at that moment, the approximate mid-point in the show, Foster realized "Hey, I'm the no-name, non-celebrity judge. If I hope to garner any attention, I had better adopt the poor man's Simon Cowell role ASAP" I wasn't as crazy about the 2nd duet with Gladys Knight. They did "I Heard it thru the Grapevine" which, for starters, is a piss-poor choice for a duet. And Hal kinda bypassed the soul and tried to rock out and it just came out all surreal.
CHEECH MARIN-- He wasn't awful. His performances were like good karaoke, but he's no real contender.
JAI RODRIGUEZ--- I knew he'd been on Broadway, so I knew he'd fare pretty well. I'm not much of a Jai fan to begin with...he is the most useless 1 of the QE Fab Five. Like, all he does, basically, is buy theater tickets and tell the straight guys to be nice to their girlfriends. They SO could have Kyan do that. 'Cause you know Kyan has the spare time... he sits around for an half an hour salon appointment (hand-holding if need be) and then later spends 2 minutes showing the pupil du jour how to moisturize. But I digress (shocker!). Jai is a sniveling little toadie and I want him to miraculously mess up and get booted. Ok, what really burns my arse is this... Alfonso did his 1st duet with Kellie Williams, got heaps of praise (RIGHTFULLY SO) and that Foster guy says to him "You have really set the bar tonight." And then later, after Jai did his 1st duet (with Gladys Knight...some slow, bluesy song I don't remember) Foster says "Now you have set the bar!" And he was like stressing the "you" in a way that implied he was SOOOO foolhardy & hasty with his props to 'Fonso. I sense a rivalry a-percolatin'. You need not ask what side I am on. I love you, Carlton!!

The third best thing about this show is the crazy ass middle chair of the judges panel. You know on reality TV talent shows, you have to be bat-shit crazy and/or flaky to occupy the middle chair of the judge's panel. Celeb Duet's resident loopy judge---Little Richard. He is barely coherent, it's awesome. Most of his astute judgements are along the lines of "HOOoooo!" and "My, my, my, my, MY MY!" and then he has these ostensibly racy but actually nonsensical bits of innuendo--I hereby dub them "Little Richardisms" as they are entirely a product of the musty fruit salad that is his brain.

And Wayne Brady as host...well, I can't mock that. Brady is a perfectly amiable host (though he's no Ahmet Zappa, nuh-uhhh!) During the commercial breaks, they played a trailer for this upcoming movie that Wayne Brady's in. Yes, you heard right, they're letting Wayne Brady be in a movie! Anyways it's called "Crossover" (I think) and it's about like, underground basketball games and I think the players do silly trampoline jumps, acrobatics, and kooky Harlem Globetrotter-esque shenanigans during their games (yet they're TOTALLY street about it , dawg) and from what I can glean from the trailer, Brady plays some slick, possibly criminal managerial-type dude who is running the show. I don't know if I can buy him in that role. I mean, maybe I'd be able to swallow it, if I hadn't seen that one Chappelle's show he guest starred on. He did this skit w/ Dave Chappelle where they go out for a night on the town and Dave discovers that Wayne Brady is actually this vicious pimp ("Does Wayne Brady hafta choke a bitch??" HAAA! CLASSIC!). So his part in this movie seems like it'd be an extension of that skit. Which would be just peachy if this were a comedy, but the trailers make it clear that they are aiming for serious cinema...y'know real Oscar contender type stuff like "Roll Bounce"...