Y'know I was in the office a whole HOUR early this a.m.as I mistakenly believed our customary Monday morning meeting was on as per usual. However, the bosslady had today off so the meeting was off too. But I did not bemoan my error, figuring instead I'd use the excess time to post on the ol' blog, since I neglected it for all last week and I had much vaca. minutiae to report. But my posting intentions went down the drain, as I sat, fingers poised above the keyboard and the only words springing to my groggy noggin were " Duuuuh" and "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnh" and "Arrrr, f*cking A". So-yeah, am NOT a morning blogger. I can barely verbalize a complete sentence before 10am, I dunno what I was thinking. I certainly cannot make with the witty, pithy, bloggy goodness until noon at the earliest.
I really dug Canada. Y'know everytime I go on vacation, and I'm all enchanted with the exotic locale I always imagine I could relocate there. I even thought that about Mexico, which in retrospect was foolishness. Mexico has the excellent telenovellas and the year-round warm weather going for it, but other than that...ehh. I can get my guacamole fix anywhere, really. And I don't wanna go on a huge Mexico bashing rant right now (and veer irretrievably off topic) but Mexico is smelly. Not good smelly either.
But as I was saying, I've always been easily dazzled by a mere change of scenery and have fantasized about moving to every spot I've ever vacationed at. But seriously this time, I could really live in Canada. For real, yo. Ottawa is such a good li'l starter city-- ideal for someone who is jonesin' for a more city-fied life, but not quite up to the full-on "urban jungle" experience (ie: NYC). And the people really do seem nicer...I dunno why that is. Maybe it's a case of a stereotype reshaping reality-- y'know after 100 or so years of people touting the Canadians as exceptionally pleasant & polite, well they sorta felt they had a rep to uphold. Well, I dunno that I can authoritatively proclaim that Canadians are nicer than Americans...I mean, I just hit 2 cities: Montreal & Ottawa. When I amass my fortune and can drop out of the stupid-dumdumhead workforce, I will tour the entire country. Maybe I will find that I was wrong and people in...ohhh, say SASKATOON ( I enjoy saying "Saskatoon" and "Saskatchewan" too, for that matter) would rather stab you in the head sooner 'n look atchya. But I think I am right about all the Canadians. They are a delightful people.
So, lemme give you a play-by-play of my vaca. I'll try to make it an abridged play-by-play, if I can (but y'all know I've NO talent for brevity)
SATURDAY AUG 19--
Went to Parc Safari in Hemmingford Quebec. The major attraction of this place (and the first thing we did) is a drive thru area where they have certain animals roaming free that you can feed from your car. This would be the "safari", I'm presuming. (By the way, I must keep "safari" encased in quotes in this instance because I do believe to be on a bona fide safari I would hafta be on an entirely different continent, in a Jeep, clad head to toe in khaki and sporting a pith helmet) Anyways, the animals in this area are all of the herbivorous, non-killing sort, all more or less amiable (though they do have a traditional cage zoo with more dangerous fauna on display). Like they have : zebras, giraffes, llamas, some sort of antelope, and yak-like critters with ginormous, long horns and rather moist noses. And they had camels and a rhino too, but those guys weren't budging for nobody. Well, actually, the rhino mighta been penned in, I can't recall. But the camels were definitely free range but were very resolute in their aloofness. Like, you coulda stuck a filet mignon dinner w/ loaded baked potato out your car window (instead of the standard issue kibble) and still-- not happenin'. These camels were NOT gonna play ball.
The llamas were pretty damned aggressive though. A pack of them made the kids a bit nervous, and, in turn, the squealy, nervous kids made one of the llamas nervous and he spit all over me, Seth & Chloe. BUT WAIT. It was even better than that! The spitter actually had his llama maw crammed with chewed up kibble so it was almost like being BARFED ON by a llama!!
Good times.
But the llama spew incident was not half as funny as Greg's near mishap with a zebra. At the start of the safari, there's a multitude of signs urging folks to please DON'T feed the zebras. Apparently, the zebras are a smidge overeager in their acceptance of num-nums, and some safari-goers have been nipped. Why they don't relocate the zebras to the cage zoo, I couldn't tell ya. I think half the people feed the zebras anyway. Especially them that smuggle bags of carrots on safari (I say "smuggle" but truly I didn't see any posted mandates saying you had to feed the animals only Parc Safari brand yummies. But the carrots...I dunno...it just felt wrong to me) since a carrot could easily be proffered to a zebra without endangering one's digits.
Well, Laura did not seem to agree with me about zebras getting fed just the same, and she was quite sympathetic towards them. As we drove through a pack of them, they were all on Greg's side (the driver's side) of the van and Laura was shaking the food box at Greg and commanding him to feed the zebras. But he was resisting, and wanting to abide by Parc's decree of "veuillez ne pas alimenter les zèbres". So in a last, desparate bid to nourish the persecuted zebras (and also because it was HELLAH funny) Laura dumped a pile of kibble right onto his crotch. HA! A zebra snout did make contact with his loinal regions, but there was no nippage, according to Greg. I'm sure I'd have heard a shriek of some sort if there had been. But alas, the guy's got some stellar reflexes. He baled the comestibles outta his lap with much speed and a goodly amount of panic. But y'know, the guy is so adamant he wants to stop procreating now at 4kids... if he'd not been so hasty, the matter may have been resolved in his favor. And practically speaking--well, I don't have the figures here in front of me-- but I'm quite certain that a vasectomy is a much more costly procedure than having your wang chomped off by a zebra. Greg is a pretty frugal dude. After an initial shock of ouchiness, he probably would've realized the hidden benefits of such a mishap. So yeah-- cheap homeopathic spaying, for one. And quite the anecdote as well! How better to remedy a conversational lull than with ,"Did I tell you about the time my penis was bitten off by a zebra?"??
Ok, Ok, I've gotten tah rambling. I will try again for brevity as I forge ahead, but I fear my vacation recap will have to be done in installments...
Sunday Aug 20--
Rained like hell. Went to a science museum in Montreal. It was a pretty large place but for all its size, it was not much better than the wee Montshire Museum (Norwich VT) But I did enjoy it...I like those hands-on exhibit, kid's museum type places. I don't have any recollection of what the name of this place was but if you happen to go to a science museum when in Montreal, and opt to grab some eats at the food court across the street... do not--I repeat, DO NOT-- get the falafel sammich. The falafels might have been partially composed of ground chickpeas but judging from the taste it was like only 3% chickpeas and mostly a mixture of sandbox sand and lint. But, on the upside, I do get the gratification of being able to sincerely proclaim "THAT FALAFEL WAS AWFUL!!"
Well, I was hoping to get as far as Tues in my recap but I don't think I can manage it. That's all for now, sports fans...
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