Perhaps I simply expend too much energy on the oh-so-ubiquitous FACEBOOK. I dunno. Well, whatever the cause, I fear I must do something gimmicky just to crank out a post and prime the proverbial post pump. Knowwhaddimean??
So here are a few things that caught my eye in the Carol Wright catalog. And no, this is not a repeat from April. This is the REEEEMIIIIIIX!! (haaa)
First off, some stuff I could probably use--
I colored my hair last weekend and just did NOT have the attention span to forge through the hellah ponderous instructions. Test on your skin....section your hair...blahdee blah blah. So f-ing labor intensive, I thought. And I always wonder--trifling detail here-- why haircolor instrux always, ALWAYS have you snip the tip off the coloring squirt bottle, then add in the colorant from bottle B, and shake with your gloved fingertip over the squirt hole. Why not shake-mix the 2 fluid components in the squirty bottle with its tip UNsnipped? Wouldn't that reduce the risk of accidentally drizzling your bathroom counter with haircolor whilest mixing??
Ah, but I digress. I wound up just slopping the mixture arbitrarily on my head (ohhh, section, schmection!!) and lathering it about shampoo-style. It looks alright, but I realize my technique was grossly inept. This brush might be just the thing I need.
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This thing is another "just the thing I need". I can be a damned messy eater at times. Unfortunately, if you are donning one of these anytime in your post-high chair, pre-nursing home years, you in danger of being scoffed. Scoffed at. Shit..I don't think scoff works very well as a passive verb. But "scorn" is too strong a word. Well, ya get the idea, don'tcha?
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I probably could use this, but I'm going to hold off until I develop a truly Grade A wattle. For some reason, I feel like if I owned this, it's something I'd happen to have kicking around in my car and one day I'd just feel compelled to do it at a traffic light and would be busted by someone in another lane.
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That possibly seems a far-fetched scenario (me, wattle-toning in traffic) but I actually *did* find myself preening my lady 'stache in the Taco Bell drive-thru one day. I don't think anybody saw me. However, it occured to me , mid-preen, that I could be on CCTV video surveillance, and what a funny shot that would be if anyone ever reviewed that footage. I dunno, it's probably unlikely that they bother with fast food drive-thru video surveillance in my podunk neck of the woods, but I feel pretty sure they do it some places. After all, when some psycho jackass pops a cap in a Wendy's drive-thru lackey because he couldn't get extra buffalo sauce, don't they always have some grainy footage of it for the local network news affiliate??
That possibly seems a far-fetched scenario (me, wattle-toning in traffic) but I actually *did* find myself preening my lady 'stache in the Taco Bell drive-thru one day. I don't think anybody saw me. However, it occured to me , mid-preen, that I could be on CCTV video surveillance, and what a funny shot that would be if anyone ever reviewed that footage. I dunno, it's probably unlikely that they bother with fast food drive-thru video surveillance in my podunk neck of the woods, but I feel pretty sure they do it some places. After all, when some psycho jackass pops a cap in a Wendy's drive-thru lackey because he couldn't get extra buffalo sauce, don't they always have some grainy footage of it for the local network news affiliate??Well, I didn't actually pick the "Wizzit" because I foresaw segue possibilities. Actually I just wanted to mock the chick modelling the Wizzit. It's probably not her fault that she is giving potential buyers a total unrealistic imagining of themselves using the Wizzit. One does not make this dreamy smiley face when engaged in unwanted facial hair removal. And furthermore...what the @#$%^ is she looking at? When I do this, I am looking at my philtrum follicles...or the reflection of them in the mirror, rather, but that still has me directing my gaze downwards...
Looks as if the Wizzit coulda totally been Photoshopped into this shot...
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nothing smartass to say about this, really. It's just that letters-as-trains give me flashbacks to this Sesame Street clip ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Per Carol Wright (she pens all the catalog copy, you know!) the new leopard and zebra prints available for Snuggie are "super-stylish!" I think the print is good idea, but not because I'm any sort of Snuggie fashionista, or because I want something Rrrrawr! to wear on the next Snuggie Pub Crawl, but I think these would work for camoflaging the common Snuggie splotches of shame. Let's face it... you own a Snuggie, it's quite likely you snack in your Snuggie...now, that may not be a fact you want glaringly evident on said Snuggie. That leopard print in particular would be handy for hiding dribbles of Ben & Jerry's... depending on your flavor of choice.
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Don't know if you can read the schpiel on these slippers. In case you can't, lemme give you the first line of it: "Laugh with joy when you wrap your feet in these 80% cotton / 20% terry comfort wrap slippers"
Ok, first off Carol, it's a little rhetorically clunky to use "wrap" twice in the same sentence. But that's the least of the oddness here. It's that "Laugh with joy" bit... seems like you might have been a smidge burnt out by the time you got to writing this copy and overextended yourself a bit trying to keep it clever (and it somehow, inexplicably, makes me think of Chinese menu writing. I guess oriental cuisine has an abundance of "joy" and "delight" in it) Ok, so it's not J Peterman caliber over-the-top, but it's still stupid.
Oh, and if this is not overstating things, and Carol Wright customers seriously do "laugh with joy" when they put on slippers , then...then....I just don't know. Multiple choice then--
a) These people reeeeally appreciate the simple pleasures. Good for them!!
b) These people ARE simple. Good for them (being able to procure mail-order slippers by themselves)!!
c) These people are probably deranged
d) The episode where Mr Belvidere tried to smuggle a pygmy marmoset into a bowling alley-- HILARIOUS!!
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I'm just curious to know.... does a cupcake that is "25 times larger than normal cupcakes" not then qualify for bona fide "CAKE" status?
The people buying this thing need to show some g-d ingenuity and make a HAMBURGER CAKE. I think I have a circa 1994 Woman's World mag I can loan 'em that has instrux...
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