...it's not just for bears anymore!!

I feel I should throw in a disclaimer that this is one icky anecdote that anyone in their right mind would label a “keep-it-to-yourselfer”. It’s pretty damned embarrassing, but I decided as a public service, to NOT keep it to myself. Could do wonders for somebody’s self esteem ( y’ know, give ‘em a standby consolation of: “ah, well..at least I’m not *that* girl…”)

Monday I met up with a friend who was in town from CT and we had a late lunch at Lui Lui’s (Italian food—yum). I had the Antipasto Della Casa, which the waitress made a point of pointing out was a GINORMOUS platter of food. It is a big platter, but not really that much food, especially when I skip the olives, the green peppers, the roasted red peppers, and 50% the time, the artichokes. I know she wanted me to be an informed orderer, but she could have been a bit more subtle/ artful about mentioning that I was ordering a gogamagogical ton of food. I mean, as it happens, I’d ordered the antipasto before and knew all that comprised it. I hadn’t eaten a thing yet that day, okay? Plus, I think it was the crème brulee that did me in anyways.
So, yeah….around the time we got back from West Leb, about 2 hrs later, I felt a sort of gastrointestinal roiling . I really did not want to unleash hell in my friend’s mother’s downstairs bathroom. Now, her mum’s house happens to be on a road off Rte 5 that is diagonally across from the start of my sister’s road. To put it more succinctly, I was approx 2 miles away from my sister’s house. And I have befouled her loo many a time…
Rice Road (where mi hermana dwells) is a dirt road but is pretty densely populated for a dirt road (and subsequently, gets a fair amount of traffic). Another thing about Rice Road that I realized as I headed down it Monday evening, is that is in *dire need* of grading. Somehow I had never paid much heed to the zillions of washboards in the road when they were merely wrecking my car’s suspension. But now that they were jostling my guttyworks, I sure as hell took notice. I was only about ½ mile down Rice Rd when, hit with the alarming realization that my clench was not holding up sufficiently , I started eyeing roadside pull-offs . Of course, every single one of them was someone’s driveway. I was in crisis, no doubt, but I was NOT going to pull into somebody’s driveway!

And then, I got to a place where there was a large plot of posted woodland (“NO TRESPASSING” on the signage …I didn’t check the fine print to see if there were any loopholes in regards to scatological emergencies) Even though there was a house on the right side of the road and absolutely nowhere to pull off, it was my now-or-never spot. I parked, right in the lane of travel, shut the car, slapped on my hazard light and dashed into the woods. Or I bolted. I don’t know which verb is a better pick. I do know that it was an unusually rapid rate of ambulation for me.

How awful. That’s probably where someone is planning to build their dream house. I did take care to grab a stick and sweep pine needles over the unsightliness—part apologetic gesture , part homage to my cat.

And then the part that kind of amuses me in retrospect--- I’m coming down out of the woods, and I’m almost to the road and I hear a car approaching. I quickly duck behind a tree that is about half my width. In my terribly insufficient hiding spot, I start mentally chanting “Keep driving, keep driving, keep driving, keeeeeeep driving”. The last thing I needed, at that juncture, was some do-gooder to pull off the road behind my car and be all “You there—in the woods. Got car trouble??” And me, I’d be too caught off guard to come up with a clever answer (“Aw no.. I’m playing hide and seek” or “I lost my contact lens. A hawk stole it.”) and I would’ve at best said “No. I’m fine, thanks. Move along.” At worst…I would’ve disclosed the whole truth.

Lesson learned... always keep your stash of car naps stocked up. I don’t know if I woulda had time to grab some if I did have any but still… a very good idea. (bet you thought it was going to be an antipasto-related lesson didn’t ya?)