Lent is off to an iffy start...

So I'm no good at Lent, apparently. I decided on Wednesday that for Lent I would give up chips, chocolate & cheese and only drink soda on the weekends. I don't know why Lent resolutions so often wind up being dietary in some way. I guess the Vatican puts us in mind of dietary restrictions with the whole "no meat on Fridays" deal and then we get lazy creatively and just expound on that. I thought that it would be hard for me to ditch soda entirely, considering how much I drink so I thought it would be a significant enough reduction if I just confined it to the weekends. I don't know why I thought soda deprivation would be so trying...sure, I love me some soda, but there are many, many, many other tasty beverages. But the other 2--oy!-- have been a challenge. I say, the other two because I've never been a big chips fiend. Oh, I like 'em alright, but going without 'em has been (and will continue to be) a cinch. I think I just added chips to the list for the alliterative effect. But every now and again, I get a massive hankerin' for chocolate. And the hardest of all to bear will be cheese deprivation. I mean, did I not , just recently in this very forum, proclaim: CHEESE IS MAGIC? I did, and I wasn't being hyperbolic in saying so. I really mean it. I've been pretty good, but my id keeps thwarting me in subtle, under-the-radar ways.

For instance: Thursday night I hit up Dunkin Donuts and got an everything bagel toasted w/ plain cream cheese. Honestly, I was half way through the damn bagel before it dawned on me: cream cheese is cheese!! Is it retarded that I didn't pick up on that immediately? I guess I just wasn't thinking cream cheese when I conceived of the cheese ban. Obviously. Then today I almost slipped up again. Larry offered to buy me lunch and after the obligatory feigned refusal, I took him up on it. And I thought-- hey, Friday+Lent=primo opportunity to try the new Fish Sammich at Wendys. So I tell Larry I want the Fish Sami meal at Wendy's and he asks me "And do you want a Frosty?" Now, if you are asked "Do you want a Frosty?" and you don't reflexively say "YES PLEASE!" then well, you may be a robot. That actually was in the "Are You A Replicant? " Quiz that Decker administers in Blade Runner-- I think you have to have the Director's Cut to see that bit or Director's Cut Redux, I can't remember. So I send Larry out for Fish sammi, fries & Frosty and it's only when he's gone that I belatedly remember "Oh shit damn fuck--Frosties are LIQUID CHOCOLATE" (Yeah, yeah, I realize there are vanilla Frosties, but those are bastard Frosties and nobody likes 'em. It was assumed--and rightfully so--that I wanted the original variety) But I reason that, at this juncture, I've passed the point of no return . I mean, this is a gift Frosty, I would be an ingrate if I didn't consume it. Well...ultimately, I didn't consume it... but that was by accident really. I always have the Frosty as dessert--never as the meal-accompanying beverage (that's just WEIRD) So, I had good ol' H2O with my lunch and stuck the Frosty in the freezer for later. But my afternoon got wicked busy and I forgot all about it. That is, until I was in traffic on my way home. I called the office and got Melissa, who was working late and I told her to please enjoy my Frosty. So then I was sorta relieved,thinkin' "Ahh, dodged that bullet. Now I won't have that on my conscience, wreckin' my weekend" And then a mere 5 minutes later I sabotaged myself again. Cheese, this time. I'm in Walgreens and I want a salty type snack to go with my first soda of the weekend. I'm staring at rows and rows of chips and I say "Uh-uh..NO CHIPS" So I go for popcorn. But I want a Smartfood kinda popcorn. Ok, yeah, DURRR, it seems I also wasn't taking into consideration powdered cheese when I swore off the stuff. And I'm so preoccupied with how I avoided chips that that sneakyass cheese dust flew right under the radar. To my credit, I stopped chowing on 'em as soon as I caught myself.

But then...once I got to my parents' house I transgressed AGAIN. But worse, because this time I didn't slip up...I calculatedly & deliberately caved to temptation. They'd ordered PIZZA. Pizza is so phenomenally rad to begin with, but on a Friday?? There's some sort of incomprehensible magic that renders pizza even more delicious on Fridays. I don't know how it works--hence my use of the word "incomprehensible"--but I am certain of its existance.

So after 2 pieces of cheese 'za I was seized with this "F*ck it-- go big or go home" impulse and I polished off a piece of fudge. Ohhh, am I weak willed. But back on track tomorrow, folks!! I may falter, but I shan't give up!!


Oh, by the way, the Wendy's fish sammie is EXCELLENT. The commercial sez you take one bite and you can just *tell* it's from the North Pacific waters...ehh..I guess my palette isn't so geographically astute. I just thought it was waay better than a Fish Filet from McDonalds. Oh, and on this topic , if you take to heart only *one* piece of my oft-proffered advice in all your life, let it be this: NEVER ORDER THE FISHAMAJIG AT FRIENDLY'S!!
Them's nasty.

Another product I tested today: The Smooth Away Hair Removal System. The official Smooth Away site (Oh, and I'd advise muting your computer before hitting that site) proclaims it's "Not Available in Stores". Wazzaaaap, you lying bastards? I procured mine at my local Walgreens!! Walgreen's is the shit for tracking down your favorite As-Seen-on-TV merch, although it did let me down one time (on my Shawow! hunt) but usually they carry it all--those yucky-ass Kinoki foot patches, all the Billy Mays crap, etc.

Smooth Away is the cat's jammies, man. I did my toes, and my legs, and my upper lip. It worked like a charm (pardon the cliche)!! Although the directions explicitly state "Best used on hair that is less than 1/4" long" it still got my legs silky smoothy. Ok, I certainly didn't get a ruler up against my leg hair but... sorry to be grody... I've not picked up a razor since fall, so just one glance at my Sasquatch-lookin' legs and I can safely assume..well...anyways... good product. Although, I think I'll withhold my full & final verdict until I see how long the hairlessness lasts...