Dots and ginger ale

is my late Friday afternoon snack. The Dots box proclaims them to be "Assorted Fruit Flavored Gumdrops"but I do not think of Dots as gumdrops. Structurally, I realize, they ARE very similar but I don't think I can accede to calling Dots gumdrops. Aesthetically gumdrops are damn adorable but how deceptive is that because truly they are vile tasting drops of grodiness. But DOTS ARE DELICIOUS!! And I don't think they're doing themselves any favors by lumpin' themselves in with that lot.

Speaking of lumpin' and lumps for that matter...I don't think "Dots" is a name that aptly conveys the nature of these delish confections. I even think LUMPS would be a better name. Ohhh if only they'd had the foresight, back in 1945 when Dots were trademarked, to know that a candy named "Lumps" or "Humps" or "Bumps" (probably even "Wumps" really) had a good chance of getting that dirty harlot Fergie to shill them on TV. Ehhh...on second thought.."Dots " is fine.

Whatcha gonna do with all them Dots? All them Dots inside that box??

I know what you're thinking-- satirical rhetorical question--right? Well, I'm going to answer it because I have a Dots trick. Of course, I ingest them orally as your average Dots consumer would, but before I do so, I MUST honor my longstanding (and HILARIOUS) tradition of making Dots chompers. I impale 3-4 Dots (ideally of all different colors) onto my top front teeth--flat side down (this is important). Often this is followed by a couple minutes of me talking in a doofy Southern accent. I did this this afternoon...poking my head into my boss's office door with a "Huhhyyuck uh hi-ya Maggie!!" She was probably wondering why the hell she hired such a huge fool. I couldn't help it, I get so punchy on Fridays and I just can't not do the Dots teeth.