Shades of Shizer

I BING searched the word shizer, because I wanted to grumble--via my FB wall-- that the results of Last Comic Standing were total BULL SHIZER. I think "bullshit" is every bit as played out as the word "cool". I do realize that there are many, many thousand overutilized words out there in the mouths of the masses, but certain ones I feel more keenly than others. Namely, "cool" and "bullshit". So often I'll opt for "bull shizer" rather than "bull shit" --it's not terribly clever, no, but it's incrementally less trite. Anyways, everytime I opt to use "shizer" in print, I second guess the spelling. And you know I cannot bear imperfect spelling (hence the aforesaid Bing search). Anyways, one of the search results (down low on the page) mentions a Kaiser von Shizer and that amused the hell out of me. Sometimes I am just amused by funny sets of rhyming words...stupid, I know. Like in one of MAD magazine's margin doodles from a 1988 or 89 issue they had a little picture of a booth labelled "Afghanistan Banana Stand" and that's amused me for like 20 yrs now. But "Kaiser von Shizer"..haaa!!... that may just top it. I didn't dare click on the link of course. It was something on YouTube and the last thing I wanna be watching on my computer is some sick poop fetishist's handiwork. No siree, Frank. I save that sort of viewing for my work PC. JUST KIDDING. Oh gag. Just the notion that those people are out there. ..ugh. Y'know, I read a news story back in 2005 that really stuck with me...I mean, I don't mean to pass over vitally important world / political news in favor of everything bizarro...it's not my intent anyways, but I just wind up doing that. Being a Fark fan, that'll happen. Oh, yes, the 2005 news story...well here it is, plus its un-fucking-believable epilogue, where the nut is picked up A SECOND TIME for lurking in the below-deck cucca swamps of an outhouse. How. fucking. disgusting.
Okay, quick topic switch to automotive matters while you try to curb your uncontrollable gagging. I don't live in a high crime area by any means but I ALWAYS lock my car. My Dad asked me one day, jokingly, "What are you worried about? Someone stealing your car?" The joke there is that my car at the time--this was years ago-- was an embarrassing heap of junk. Actually, my present car is a likewise heap of junk. At any given time, it's a safe bet to presume that my vehicle is more junky than not. But anyhooo, my response to my Dad's jibe...I sez to him I sez "I don't really care if anyone steals my car. I just don't want anyone lay down and hide in the back and then pop up and slit my throat when I get in my car." (this remark alarmed my Dad and he said I should get a gun...he is nothing like the Mom in Christmas Story... crazy sumbitch...luckily I have the damn good sense to know that I'd shoot my eye out) Anyways, I was only 3/4 kidding with that comment. I don't know if I read a news story about sneaky vehicular Columbian neckties, but the phenom got planted in my head somehow. I rather suspect it was from one of those awful fecking safety PSA chain emails--gawwwd those are horrid. Well I want to make clear that I don't live paralyzed by the fear of such an attack. Yes, it is one of the myriad reasons I do lock my car . But it's a smaller factor in the decision than my HUGE fear of getting my iPod swiped. But everytime I get in my car , I cast a glance in the backseat. And of course--of course!!--I never see anybody there. And I don't really expect to. But I always look.

When that grody turd burglar got arrested for the 1st time, (both of his, errr, indiscretions happening in neighboring NH, I was displeased to note) it was when a 14 yr old girl entered the outhouse and..looked in the hole and...SPOTTED SOMEONE LOOKING BACK!! I feel like I should bellow that line with a flashlight uplighting my face because ...AAGH!! Forget the dude on the car roof with the hook or however that one goes...that is fecking TERRIFYING!! And so... much like my habitual backseat check...I always glance down the rabbit hole in the portapotty. I know! Grody!! I don't fucking want to! And I think maybe 40% of it is a warped reaction to this interior chant of "Don't look behind you don't look behind you don't look behind you stare at the door stare at the door don't look behind you don't look behind you.." that's playing in a loop inside my head. And it's 60% checking for scat-fiends (not ones that are singing scat, necessarily. I hadn't thought of that-- but oh mah word what a perfect storm of horrific that would be!!)

I went to a craft fair this weekend with my friend Roxanne and the line for el bano was hellah long. I kinda had to pee, but I got in line for 10 seconds and then I abandoned the line and was like, baah, eff it. I can be a pee camel and hold it ...lines bore me...I don't hafta go that bad. So moments later, Rox and I are walking to the lot where she parked (we had to park soooo effing far away this year!! ) and on the way out of the fairgrounds, there was a couple of portapotties--no lines, no waiting. I will say this, in favor of portapotties-- I like the dial that you turn to lock the door, how, when locked, there is an indicator proclaiming "OCCUPIED" to the world. That way all sane people can be spared from accidentally turd burgling, and you won't have any unexpected visitors while you concentrate on the back of that door and not breathing and not falling over while you conduct biz in that awful awkard hover squat. So, short story way too damn long, I did avail myself of the portapotty yesterday, and I exited gagging profusely and this made Roxanne laugh at me. And I said "I made the mistake of looking" And she said "Oh I always look. IT'S GROSS." WTF?


Speaking of shizer...the final outcome of this season of Last Comic Standing was total bullshizer. Ok, ok, weak segue (segues that begin "speaking of..." generally are weak) but I'd like to wrap up here on a note that doesn't make me wanna yarf. It occured to me that I was actually watching LCS like my Dad watches NASCAR. Like he actually jumps out of his chair and woohoos if a driver he dislikes runs into the wall. SHAMEFUL want of decorum there. But I was kinda like that tonight. I SWORE AT THE TV when Tommy Johnagin lost. He was an awesome comic and totally shoulda won. But, I said repeatedly, even before the outcome was announced. "I really want Tommy to win. But he won't. America never votes for who I think should win." This is historically founded fact... every competition show I watch, the person I root for LOSES. Often they come close to the win, but they invariably do lose. You'd think this would give me a complex, make me doubt my concept of funny or something but nope. I further bellowed "America never votes for who I'm rooting for because America is fucking stupid." I don't mean all of America is stupid. But a vast majority...they want plebeian humor that's hollering and humping their leg. The lowest common denominator. And therefore, I just knew that Felipe Esparza was going to win . Pathetic. Siiiigh.