Tuesday, October 07, 2008

my priorities are WHACKED

I'm feeling like, as a dutiful American citizen, I really ought to be watching the presidential debates. Instead, I was diverted by a whole other election entirely. It's Cosmo's Hottest Bachelor of 2008 Competition!! YAY!

I went all ape shit over the Cosmo Bachelor dealie last year, so this year I was going to opt for restraint and just share the link, tell you my fave (Iowa), and be done with it. But then I decided that y'all were owed a lengthy post (even if it's waaay too rambling) since I post so very intermittently nowadays. Therefore, I am giving you my opinion on every single bachelor. That's 50 of 'em!! I'll try to be succint about it...(if I can)

ALABAMA--First off, I'm not too big on blondes. Plus, if you watch his video you'll see he styles the coiff very oddly. Oh and speaking of his video--it is really terrible. The first half is endless footage of him doing wheelies on his motorcycle in various parking lots. Then it shifts awkwardly from moronic to sad and awkward. I don't want to criticize the sad & awkward part, as it's rather heartfelt and noble. I'll just say it leaves me more compelled to donate to March of Dimes than vote this guy 2008 Bachelor of the Year. But in that regard, perhaps I shouldn't call it "terrible" ---just "terribly ineffective" then.

ALASKA- Meh. Too baby-faced.

ARIZONA-- Not my top pick, but not bad. I am mildly vexed by his quote "I am motivated and like to have fun." I don't really cotton to his flouting his beaucoup motivation in my face (braggard!!) but what really causes me to roll my eyes here is him pointing out that he likes to have fun. It's a pretty commonplace bit of self-description, but everytime I hear it, I sorta scoff, as it makes me ponder the converse--namely, just who the hell doesn't like to have fun? Well, it truly does take all kinds to make a world, so probably there is some considerable sub-culture of fun- haters out there. So I shouldn't scoff. But I do. Because it's still a rather dim-witted way of describing oneself.

ARKANSAS: He looks too young too. He does get points though, for his answer to: "Wow him by wearing.."

CALIFORNIA: Meh. Jhanelle is a girl name.

COLORADO: Dude looks older than 27 to me. He started a non-profit org though (that's in his vid). Very impressive. Still ain't voting for a blond though.

CONNECTICUT: I liked 2007's CT bachelor. This guy ain't doin' it for me

DELAWARE: He also looks older than he sez he is. Also he could stand to tape back those ears.

FLORIDA: He's not BAD..none of these guys are really bad. But I have issues with this one's hair. He has Monchichi hair. Also I have to give a big "WTF???" to his penchant for girls in overalls.

GEORGIA: He has better taste in women's clothes than Mr. FL, I'll give him that. But we could never be. Dude, is WAAY to outdoorsy for me.

HAWAII: I got a little melty watching this guy's video. Not from him being ultra-hot bachelor material, but he was just adorable. Mucho sweet. The cynic in me sez he's a li'l too good to be for real. Oh, and does this guy's roomie realize how his girlfriend is raving (& craving) about other dudes??

IDAHO: Yeeeeah..I'm not feelin' it. He could take some pointers from Mr GA on how to pose avec trees.

ILLINOIS: He's cute! In a young Chris O'Donnellish sorta way.

INDIANA: AAAGGHH! Children of the Corn!! Hellllp!! This bad shot makes Mr IN (I wish his name was Gary...and I would commence ta callin' him "Gary Indiana" and inevitably bust lispily out into song) look creepy & evil. But if you watch his video, it is not creepy or evil- seeming...just dull and badly shot.

IOWA: Aww YEAH. He is getting my vote. Not just for being smokin' but he interviews perfectly too!! And he has a hot name. On the negative side, he is quite a young pup (silver lining: makes it much easier to ply him with liquor).

KANSAS: ZZZzzzz

KENTUCKY: More flappy ears

LOUISIANA: VERY cute. Even though he seemed slightly less good looking in his vid, his video was very cute nonetheless--well done and not tiresome like some other submitted vids were. I would like for him to get a haircut though.

MAINE: This guy is 23 with the hair of a 40 year old. He should always, always, ALWAYS wear hats. He was a quite a bit cuter in his video (wearing a hat), but I found the whole thing pretty repugnant. First offence: a rather lenghty montage of his modelling portfolio. Wow. This guy really digs himself. And then it keeps getting worse. He gets in the car and he says he's a really awesome singer and than sings along with some song on the radio he loves (a real lame song, IMO. Demerits for that..) and then afterward he says "Oh I was just kidding, as you can see I'm not that great a singer" but you can SOOO tell that he never once thought for a second he was anything less than SPECTACULAR (especially whilest singing). Then he arrives at the gym and you're treated to a montage of him lifting weights-- not as long as the modelling montage, but long enough to be boorish.

MARYLAND: This guy looked cuter in his video (I think this shot does bad things for his beezer) but he is overall underwhelming.

MASSACHUSSETS: Cute, but...an ab man. Let's move along, shall we?

MICHIGAN: I'm uhh.. confused here. TWO Michigan candidates? Did Michigan win some Cosmo lottery of sorts?? No fair.

MINNESOTA: Aggh!! No. Too toothy, this one.

MISSISSIPPI: This one also has a mean look about him. Maybe not evil. Just mean. Or at least, squinty.

MISSOURI: Another baby face. Unfortunate last name.

MONTANA: Now when I said that many of the videos got tiresome? This is a great example here. I couldn't even watch the whole thing. OK-- you ranch. You're a rancher. We GET IT.

NEBRASKA: A redhead? That's a hard-sell, NE!!

NEVADA: Even if I were to vote for this guy (I wouldn't) a first name of "Keithen" really might make me reconsider...

NEW HAMPSHIRE: Hey! I've been to Newport, NH!! Numerous times!! I very well could've seen this dude on the street and been unimpressed with him in person! WOW.

NEW JERSEY: Cute. He had a pretty good video too, but I feel like he had a bit of an unfair advantage, what with all his professional television personality training.

NEW MEXICO: The land of enchantment. .. this one is fairly enchanting from an aesthetic standpoint, but I found his interview to be offputting. Ambition? Active daytime first dates?? Blecch.

NEW YORK: I was wearing silver hoop earrings while I read that silver hoop earrings turn him on-- O M G!!!

NORTH CAROLINA: Very nice looking fellah. His video was okay, but he didn't seem to know when to end it and I had to give him MAJOR DEMERITS for putting his memories slideshow to Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" That is criminally schmaltzy. I can't forgive that.

NORTH DAKOTA: Tied for 2nd with Louisiana. Super cute and terrif interview. Wish he'd submitted a vid!!

OHIO: This guy's pic didn't impress me, but his video did. He RAPS!! Granted, he sounds a lot like Dr Evil when he raps, but it's very creative and he put a lot of effort into it. Perhaps he feels a lot of pressure due to Cosmo Bachelor 2007 winner being from Ohio. Oh, and his quote about women?? Good stuff, Mr OH. Mr OH 2007 ain't got nuttin' on you, if ya ask yours truly!!

OKLAHOMA: Blonde, bland, named Lance. Pass!

OREGON: It would have behooved him to not submit a video. I suspect that German fellow is his b.f.

PENNSYLVANIA: Niiiice.

RHODE ISLAND: Aww, this guy NAILED the interview. Tricky name though.

SOUTH CAROLINA: "Tribble" can NOT be his honest-to-God, printed on the birth certificate name. No way. Watching this guy's video made me feel tipsy. Ahhh, college.

SOUTH DAKOTA: Hmmm..not crazy about the tatt

TENNESSEE: This guy's video is a hoot.It really doesn't play up his foxy bacheloriness (he is rather foxy though) but I really appreciate how he seems to have no qualms whatsoever in making an ass out of himself. It's endearing, kinda. Also, I wanna meet his little bro...his voice reminds me of that little Caleb boy on American Gothic.

TEXAS: Mehh.

UTAH: ZZZzzz

VERMONT: Though I'm not voting for him, I am proud of my state's 2008 candidate. Our 2006 & 2007 picks were nuthin' special. This guy, while not numero uno, can't say as I'd kick him outta bed for eatin' crackers either...

VIRGINIA: Yaaaawn.

WASHINGTON: OK

WEST VIRGINIA: Sez here this guy is a "UPS Staffer" Which probably means he works in the office. I presume that simply because it would just be too much of a dream-come-true to have this guy as your friendly neighborhood UPS driver. Can you just imagine? Trying not to stare at his package while you sign for yours? YES, this guy would be a quite welcome substitute for the plain ol' schmoes UPS sends me on a daily basis.

WISCONSIN: A very cute young cub.

WYOMING: Oh, a pipeline worker? Really, for real? [Insert obligatory pipe-laying joke here] This guy seems a bit skeezy to me..



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