ick.

Yesterday, I left work early for a routine physical. I should specify:  I reluctantly left work early.  Now, that's a great indicator of how very averse I am to visiting the MD. You know I'm dreading somethin' like a muthah, if I would prefer to put in a full day's work.

So I got through the appointment with a minimum of weeping, and a wee twinge of humiliation. I shan't dwell on the former, but I will tell you about the embarrassing bit. So she came at me...brandishing  the otoscope. Peered in the left ear..."Ok, all looks good".  Peers in right ear...pause...extended pause..."Hmm."...walks over to retrieve an implement.....oh maaaan...

At least Shrek has the defense that he is an ogre, and GRODINESS is one of the defining properties of ogrehood.  Me, I dunno why I had 10 lbs of schmutz in my ear. Okay, YES,  that quantity is exaggerated...but I refuse to tell you by how much.

I will say in my defense, that I have a negative Qtip incident in my past.  Years ago, I was Nairing my legs one night and had a spot o' time to kill while  waiting for the Nair to do its thang.  So I did a li'l ear canal once-over with the Qtips...or cotton swabs...it's likely that I was not sufficiently moneyed to be buying the big name brand. 'Kay, cut to 4min later...Nair swiped off-- victory!!--legs like a fecking Rockette again. I took a wee cat nap and woke up about 30-45 min later with a non-functional left ear. Not only was it not hearing anything, it felt like it had been filled in with cement (it had not...my local Mr Sandman is not as overzealous & misguided as all that) A few hours passed ...in which I rinsed the affected ear with hot and cold H2O, and also tried stuffing it with cotton balls whilest applying my patented fix-all method of "ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away". Well, eventually I shuffled off to the ER. I vaguely recall the ER doc being (much to my dismay) quite good looking, and I recall having this dialogue exchange--


Doc: How old are you, again?

Me: 19

Doc: Heh heh hehh...we usually see impacted earwax in 90 year olds. Ha haa.

Hardy effing Har, Marcus Welby. Well, consequently, I haven't used Qtips for anything other than cosmetics application in all these years since. I do a couple head tilts in the shower, swish around the agua therein, drain, repeats, but...GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, I'm going to have to step it up some!!!

 I jokingly told my doc (after my initial exclamation of "HOLY GOD!") that I was going to get into ear candling.