losin' it

Today, I picked up a bus schedule and was perusing it with great interest. I've never taken the bus around here but the-ever-more-decrepit sloppy jalopy is giving me signs that make me feel like...well, like it would behoove me to familiarize myself with the bus schedule.

Lemme tell you about the symptom du jour. It started on April 1 actually, and I harbored a funny, irrational expectation that it would just miraculously vanish on the 2nd because--haaa!--the jalopy was April foolin' me!! Anyways, sometimes when I hit rough road now, or ride over a divet where a manhole cover is, my car makes a noise like kicking a toolbox. Kicking a toolbox full of heavy old tools, not the made-in-China Sally tools they sell in the poor excuse of an automotive section at Walgreens. But I digress... The noise seems to dwell in the front right corner of the car (shocks shit the bed, I'm thinkin'??) but it doesn't happen *every* time I hit a bump. Well, obviously...because it's more apt to drive me bat guano loco the more confoundingly inconsistent it is! Everytime it does happen, I look quickly into my rearview to see if I have a trail of clangy bits bouncing down the road in my wake.

So while driving from Point A to Point B nowadays, I have this impatient urgency to reach Point B. If the sloppy jalopy is going to die, I want for it to die in its sleep. I just will go to it, at Point A some morning, go to start it up and...."meeh. Nothin' doin', fucker" ...it won't go. But what I dread is that it will crap out, en route to somewhere... and it feels more apt to do this while I'm idling somewhere--at a stop sign, or waiting for the dude in front of me to turn. So I am wanting to be in motion as much as possible, and it causes me to be very irritable with my fellow drivers. So irritable, actually, that I'm losing all ability to cuss out other drivers with any style or creativity.

A specific example--I was behind a slow right-turner the other day, the type of driver that has been vexing me the most. I mean, even with my propensity for continual vehicular motion, I still don't fancy turning into oncoming traffic whilest executing a left turn. For that reason, I have a modicum of patience for left turners. They have damned good reason for their pausing. But you don't have to come to a complete stop and wait a full one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi before commencing your sllloooooowwwwww motion right turn..GAWWWW! So yeah, while waiting behind one of these agonizingly pokey right turners the other day, I hollered out, "MOVE ALREADY, YOU FUCK-FUCK!!"

I ....called somebody... a "Fuck-Fuck". "Fuck-Fuck"?? Undoubtedly, some of your finest quality epithets contain the F-bomb but... fuck-fuck? That's like elemental caveman profanity. I'm so disappointed in myself!!!