Jeepers Creepers--where'd ya get THOSE peepers?

Yesterday I had an eye exam. I hadn't been to the eye doc in aaaages and have--for a while now--really noticed the need for a stronger prescription (nothing drastic like blurred/double vision, just squinting to read far-off road signs , that sort of thing) But I procrastinated like a champ (as is my custom). As it really is the very last minute now (with only about a month left on this health insurance that has the swell Vision Service Plan) I called for an appointment at the end of Feb (was going to go in March 5 but had to be cancelled due to a sick doc & had to reschedule).

So yeah, the big catalyst here is that I got me some HealthFunds to use up or lose!! I may just get a boob job or some gratuitous accupuncture.

Anyways.... about my eye exam. I passed. No signs of encroaching glaucoma or similar unpleasantness. I'm getting contacts AND glasses. I've always wanted contacts --mostly because I SOO miss buying cheap sunglasses off the rack @ Walmart. People always suggest either: get prescription sunglasses (I've done that before-- they ain't cheap and are never cute enough to be worth the $$) OR why don't you get Transitions lenses?? (Eww. NO. I prefer squinting, thank you.) But I suspect I may be too flinchy for contacts. I mean, you should've seen me seize up during the eye pressure test (where they blast a jet of air at your eyeball) we had to do like 5 or 6 do-overs. But --fuck it--I'm getting 'em anyways (see observation above re: Health Fund moolah) And I'm getting glasses with THESE Nicole Miller frames.

Oh and I got those eyedrops to give me ginormo guitarist-from-Limp-Bizkit pupils. They stayed huge until nighttime...I enjoyed that (gazing unblinkingly at people until they shudder with heebie-jeebietation)

Sometime after my pupils returned to normalcy, I watched the 3rd installment of TV Land's High School Reunion. I'm kind of addicted to that show. And generally, I avoid just those type of reality shows. Not sure why I got sucked into this one. Perhaps I am just abandoning all principles in my old age.

For Easter I'm going to do a fruit plate, make devilled eggs & stuffed mushrooms (which are kinda becoming my signature dish...that's another principle I'm being a bit fast 'n ' loose with...I've always been a big culinary experimentalist and consequently kinda anti-signature dishes.)

Also I'm going to help my Dad organize Easter egg hunts for the kids. For the past few years I've taken care of the older kids' (Seth & Chloe) hunt, and let him do the little girls' hunt. I always do these rhymey clues but I thought maybe this year I'd just write where the eggs are in secret code. Tell me if you think this code too tricky for a 8 yr old and a 10 yr old to crack--




So thatsa wassup for my long weekend. Oh, and Laura CONFIRMED that Brussels Sprouts are on the Easter dinner menu. Just por moi! Oh happy happy joy joy! I shall try & post again before Monday.

OHHH MONDAY!! That reminds me that I do have a snippet of news to impart in this otherwise lackluster post. OK bad news 1st.... In yesterday's mail I got a short little "letter" from that law office I interviewed at. I did the li'l quotemarks of sarcasm because it was so damn short it shouldn't even be dubbed an actual letter. More of a note really. To the tune of: writing to inform you we've filled this position, yadda yadda, but really enjoyed meeting you, blahdeee blaaah BLAH, we shall keep your resume on file..FIN.

So that's kind of a pissah. But (silver lining alert) I have another interview scheduled for Monday at 11am. It's for some clerical gig at DHMC. The thing about working at the hospital is... well it ain't my dream job (but see, in my best dreams I don't even have a job) but there's definite SECURITY in it (it's not at all a tenuous establishment like some of these small companies I've applied to) and the benefits are fairly kick-ass. Methinks I'll shall do some pre-interview cramming this weekend. That way I'll come off more polished -like and somewhat less stammery. Those poor bastards will be falling all over their poor bastard asses to gimme a job. Awwww yeah.

MOVIES...

I wanna see this movie. However, I figure that, like most movies I wanna see, this'll be out of the theaters before I get my arse in gear. I still haven't seen Evening (really wanted to see that last July; I did read a lotta reviews that were none too positive so I suspect the book was better. I really liked the book, btw)

Anyways I want to get out & see Pettigrew.. Truthfully my main reason for wanting to see it-- a silly reason, I confess-- is that I think Lee Pace is utterly adorable. I don't know why I didn't stick to watching his ABC show Pushing Daisies for the whole season....just dropped it for some reason. Nonetheless, Pace is tres cute. And in this movie he sports an English accent (sort of ) so, needless to say, that just amps up the hotness.

Other movies that I would like to catch if I can get my ass in gear & get out to a multiplex...

Be Kind Rewind

There Will Be Blood

Juno

28 Dresses (too late to catch that one, I think. Although, it might possibly be playing at one o' those cheap seats theaters, no??)

The Other Boleyn Girl

Strange Wilderness

Run Fatboy Run

Leatherheads

Nim's Island

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Although it's not my fault really, if the theaters within a 100 mile radius of me generally play the most mediocre mainstream slop...

Oh..speaking of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I was charmed by this scrap o' showbiz news. I already thought Jason Segel was the shit from his awesome job in Knocked Up. But this multiplies his cool quotient by like , a thou in my book...

Trainwrecks

I've been branded "BITCHY" today and I am more or less disinclined to defend myself. I'm just gonna roll w/ it. Yep, I'm a bitch..I ain't "playin' nice" today. Y'all just suck it up and deal.

It could be I'm merely crabby because I didn't get an invite to join up with Mel & Brit for dinner. What gives, guys? We usually have a grand ol' time when the 3 of us hit the town. I thought so , anyways. I mean, I always hafta drive but I'm kinda resigned to that.

OK in all seriousness, isn't that one of the more bizarro celeb gossip items you've heard? Certainly it lit up my internal WTF? neon sign.

Here's other celeb news that caught my eye... Thomas Jane arrested for DUI. I suppose there's no need to follow that there link...those 4 words sum up the situation quite capably, methinks. But if you *do* choose to use the link, you'll see that the folks o'er at Digital Spy have ransacked the archives for the least flattering, most schnockered looking pic of Jane ever snapped. I actually think he's a pretty foxy dude (and also have always kinda thought he married beneath him when he wed Patricia Arquette. I really shouldn't own up to that...I REALIZE how very catty that is of me) though not particularly in that photo.
Anyways, I always kinda think of the celebs that get arrested for DUI as falling into 2 different groups -- those in the "wild oats" stage of life that are sorely lacking in common sense and /or self control and celebrities whose lives are kind of in the shitter often attributable to their becoming culturally passe (or their having been culturally passé for some time....yes, I mean you GARY COLLINS) Ahh well, I suppose both groups could be classed under the broader "TRAINWRECKS" heading. I just never thought of Thomas Jane as being a trainwreck. I mean, I think he settled when picking out a wife, but probably he likes Patricia just fine. And the guy is a ways away from "A-list" but he gets pretty steady work. It could be that TJ is a SECRET TRAINWRECK. And/or I'm being presumptuous about the nature of the DUI and it's not a pasttime exclusive to trainwrecks.

Oh, what I like the best about Digital Spy's article is that it linked me to this item which makes me think that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to go public with my secret love for P Diddy. BRA and VO to you, Monsieur Diddy. I applaud you heartily.

This kinda makes me wish I was listening to P Diddy right now instead of Jay-Z. I gotta have somethin' of his on this ol' iPod...

Oh, speaking of the iPod....it accompanied me on a walk yesterday (it's utterly essential when I make those rare and trifling forays into the world of EXERCISE) And y'know how I said (when I was explaining my inclement weather playlist a coupla weeks back) how sometimes I think of music as scoring my life as if I'm somehow living in a movie ?? Well, so I'm briskly walking...briskishly...whatever... and by some providential shuffling of the Pod...Survivor's Eye of the Tiger starts in. Claaaaaassic. It made me chortle.

I figured out why all will-power abandoned me this past weekend. Don't know why I didn't realize it right off. 'Twas the flippin' IDES OF MARCH, yo!! I can't even be held accountable. It's bigger than me...bigger than all of us... some monster cosmic hoodoo. Ask Caesar---he'll tell ya. He'll f*cking tell ya!!

Ms Creosote

I totally pigged out this weekend. I am in dietary penance mode--big time.

First massive derailment--at Denny's on Sat night I split (in theory, I should've consumed 1/3 of the app, but I really think I took more than that) SMOTHERED CHEESE FRIES. These fries have melty shreddy cheese on top, while they are wallowing in a little swamp of goo-style cheese. Throw in a smattering of bacon flakes. And let us not forget the ranch dippin' sauce. OMFG it is RIDICULOUSLY DELISH. If loving Denny's smothered cheesy fries be wrong, then, fuck it, I don't wanna be right.

Yeeeeeaah, I know I'm trying to reform. I AM reforming. But I shall have these again, ain't no doubt about it. I think I'll bring like, 12 other people to share with. That might make things a-okay-ish.

Then Sunday I went over to Lisa's for a St Pat's Eve corned beef feed. Specifically that entails: corned beef, cabbage, turnip, carrots, potato, beets. Oh, and a coupla beers. I think I consumed enough to feed all o' County Cork. So yeah, obviously, that was also off-tha-fuckin' hook yummy. I have corned beef once in March , every year, and every year it makes me think "Gawdaamn..this is GOOD. Why is it I only eat this once a year?"

sallllllllllllllllllsa

Itemizing my most recent purchases is my second favorite stand-by post (second only to celeb b-day tributes) when I am feelin' uninspired. So...lucky for y'all I went to TJ Maxx & Newbury Comics on my lunch break (or else I'd be apt to forego posting altogether!!)


At TJ Maxx I bought---


*strawberry shortcake Cookies (flavored like strawberry shortcake--entirely unaffiliated with the like-named fictional lass. These are for my Mom for her birthday. I have SUCH a hard time shopping for her. The only thing that is GUARANTEED that she will like & use is some sort of sweets/candy/baked good)


*Orka silicone tagine





*Pomegranate salsa (I am generally more of a guacamole w/ chips kinda gal...and still, I eternally adore guac, but I am deliberately embarking on a salsa kick. Why?? Wellll.. as of last week my sister hath dragged me back aboard the Weight Watchers train. Now that I am seeking out (rather than stringently avoiding)those HUGE "Nutrition Facts" areas of food labels, I am painfully aware of how not-so-great for me a lot of what I like to eat is. Oy freakin' vey, right? Anyways, there are a small group of comestibles that have the elite distinction of being enjoyable and being (more-or-less) healthy. Salsa would be one of 'em. Also I genuinely love cabbage. (seriously!) ya can't go wrong with cabbage. Oh... 'cept I was rushing in the grocery store the other week and accidentally grabbed a savoy cabbage instead of the regular green cabbage that I generally buy. I don't think the savoy would be bad raw (for slaw or on sammies or something like that) but it took extra long to cook and then it wasn't all that good. So let's just say instead, ya can't go wrong with green cabbage. Oh, and I love brussels sprouts. I haven't had 'em in too dang long. Methinks I shall cook some up for Easter dinner.


Anyways-- in summation: I'm trying to get myself hooked on salsa because it's --on average--0g fat and 20 cal per serving with--BO-HO-HONUS!-- 1 gram dietary fiber. SCORE!! (uuUGH.. one thing I really detest about this whole WW ordeal is how dorky and boorish it makes you. I mean my sister can rhapsodize on the point values of such 'n' such a snack for a good half hour before she realizes my eyes have glazed over and/or rolled back into my head. I mean...just because you're trying to slim down doesn't mean you should hafta morph into a conversational lameass. Really!)


* Body lotion-- H2O brand / grapefruit & bergamot; I really didn't need to buy this, as I just bought quince hand lotion at Bath & Bodyworks this past weekend. It's not as if I'm especially voracious about self-moisturizing. But I suppose I was just powerless to resist this scent combination. I love the smell of grapefruit (as for the actual fruit...I am less than fond of it) and love, LOVE, LOVE the smell of bergamot ( which apparently is derived from another edible citrus. I have never eaten a bergamot, so I couldn't give my opinion of that fruit) Oh, and this tube says "shimmering body souffle" Soooo frou frou, yes? Perhaps I got it to offset another recent Bath & Bodyworks purchase. I'm a bit sheepish about it, but last Sunday I bought their CO Bigelow brand hair and body wash. In their Barber line. The "Elixir Black" scent. Yep. I'm buying men's toiletry gear. The Elixir Black blend is described as "exotic agar wood and tonka bean with undertones of amber, musk and vanilla". C'moooon...does that not sound nice? Gosh, this way, when I'm daydreaming about my make-believe beau, I can just sniff at my own hair for an olfactory aid. DAAAMN, that sounds rather pathetic. Whatev. So, ok, FINE, I'm using man shampoo. It smells good and I like the whole 2-in-1 bodywash & shampoo combo. So eff you, a'ight?


* a book of appetizer recipes-- because "apps" are totally the best. Am I right or am I right?


And at Newbury Comics I picked up--

* a bracelet (for somebody else's b-day)


*a FREE St Patty's day pint glass, very kindly given to me by Newbury Comics even though I didn't *quite* meet the $10 purchase requirement (see coupon caveat below...)





I could only manage to spend $7.50 but they had mercy on me...

he's MEAN ; he's GREEN; his last name is short a "C"

Today in the office we got to (by some circuitous route) be talking about Mr. Yuck. If you've previously taken in any of my interoffice banter, than it shan't shock you to learn that this was not the first time we'd discussed Mr. Yuck.

I have reminisced (aloud, of course) about getting those sheets of Mr Yuck stickers in grade school, and how I used to utterly squander them. I didn't apply 'em to Drano or Windex or any below-the-sink poisons (as was intended). Rather, I would slap Mr Yucks on my Trapper Keeper, the door frame, my desk, my sneakers, etc etc. You get the pic, eh? TOTALLY ineffectual.

Well, me officemates didn't even know what stickers I was talking about. Not only were Mr Yucks NOT distributed in their school, but they never even heard of the guy. This left me compelled to prove his existence (thereby proving that I'm not hallucinating...this one. Hey, I know that I'm more-or-less sane, but at times I suspect that sanity of mine to be..uhh..less than obvious) So anyways, I dredged up Mr. Yuck's wikipedia entry *, his official website, and bestest of all, this awesomely scary PSA...

I discovered, as I was tracking down all this linky goodness, that Mr. Yuck actually, officially spells his name "Mr. Yuk". Sans "c". Notice I have refused to alter my spelling of it. That is a STUPID way to spell "yuck" and I shall NOT comply. In a semi-related vein...I also am vexed when I see "doughnut" spelled "donut" or "night" spelled "nite" and crap like that.

I wonder why the Mr. Yuk creators discarded the "c"?? I hope it was some worthy reason like trademark infringement and not somethin' asinine like too many kiddies were defacing the paraphenalia --y'know replacing the "Y"s with "F"s...hee hee hee..

*the link to the Mr.Y theme song at the end o' that wikipedia write-up is SO worth a click. The song runs on for-freakin'-ever!! It's like the "In-a-Gadd-Da-Vida" of PSA theme songs, but it cracks my shit up, maaan!!

Believe it or Not, aahhhm Walkin' on Air--I never thought I could feel so Free-hee-heee*

I just deleted a half-composed post from yesterday. I didn't really have much to say, and so I resigned myself to imparting a full list of all the songs I put on my iPod this weekend. Y'know -for lack of better yammering. But it was even more tedious to write than it woulda been for y'all to read, so I petered out around song #35 or #36 and saved it as a draft. But then when I logged in today , I was like..."Fuck it ,dude, nobody wants to read that. Let's start anew, eh?"

Yes, sometimes in my interior monologue, I call myself "dude". Not very polished, and pretty hoydenish of me, but I can't maintain my usual tremendous standard of demureness 24/7. OKAY??

I created another happy birthday MS Paint masterpiece today. For my boss. I KNOW!! Very uncharacteristically asskissish of me, right?? Well, we got free birthday pizza for lunch today and free pizza always gets me all out-of-sorts sentimental. Now today I had to go buy me a 20oz. Diet Coke from the vending machine, but in cases where I've had free pizza **avec GRATIS SODA** bestowed upon me,I am just off the fucking chain elated! I'm apt to start dry humping people in my glee.

Anyways, I wanted to say "Thanks for the pizza and oh yeah happy birthday bosslady". However , on some level, I still harbor this INTENSE aversion to "the man", and consequently an aversion to asskissery in all its guises, and so this task was a wee bit revolting to me. I was able to cope by choosing a hideously nasty mo-fo to be my birthday greeting ambassador. Remember the aye-aye anyone? I discovered this varmint back in January and was so struck with repulsed wonder that I immediately posted about him.

Well I had saved in my personal junk folders this pic--


Y'know for any occasions where I might need an image of some horrific freak-of-nature. Well it came in handy today, and I took our standard-issue aye aye (as you see above) and transformed him into---
RRrrrip didda dip dip dip dip Birfday Aye-Aaaaaye! 'Cept I omitted the "RRrrrip didda dip dip dip dip" part entirely 'cause Mags wouldn't get it.

Personally, I like the Birthday Narwhals much better.

This news item caught my eye. She'd given a ride to stoner hitchhikers?? Oh, three of them? Hmmm..how feeble is that story?? I mean, speaking of feeble, couldn't an old broad like this have tried playin' the glaucoma card?

Now what I'm addicted to these days is the new Chicken Florentine sub at Subway. Previously I had pledged allegiance to the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki but I'm SO over that. Sweet Onion Teri--WHA?? The Chicken Florentine comes with ARTICHOKE SPREAD on it, fools! So order it the next time you hit S-way, 'kay? Otherwise, they'll pull it from the menu!! And I will be just...fuckin' inconsolable.

Ah, and to be *specific* in my recommendation, you ought to order it on Hearty Italian bread, lightly toasted, with the shreddy Monterey -cheddar on it, no condiments ('cept the standard artichoke spread) and lettuce, onions, and salt & pepper. Oh, and you should get the 12" with the intent of eating one 1/2 and saving the other for dinner or tomorrow's lunch but then you are so overwhelmed by the Florentinian yumminess that you eat the whole dang 12 footer in one sitting anyways. That's how I do thangs, anyhow.

I am also addicted to the Funny or Die website. Yep, after I send out my requisite 3 resumes and/or applications per diem (that's the minimum I set for myself. But I'm starting to feel the time constraints like they're a vice clamped on my stressed noggin...in other words I think I need to step it up a notch) I commence to streaming all the viral (non-porn) videos the 'net has to offer. Funny or Die has some quality shit on it. Today I was a bit obsessed with this video (which I really loved right up until the end where it descended into trite mastubatory humor...the slight smut factor is also why I am linking to & not embedding)

What I like the best (for some strange reason) is his observation re: socks. A very well written parody song, I thought. And the song kinda stuck in my head.


*FALSE. I am not, presently, walking on air. I am sitting on my arse. But I am sitting on my arse listening to my iPod which just began to play the theme song to Greatest American Hero. That tune is one of my new acquisitions from this weekend..was something Laura had on one of her CDs (so NO, I didn't *buy* it) I was kinda hoping that having that theme song would lead to me getting burnt out on it, and that would lead to my shaking this frightening compulsion to buy the 1st season DVD set of Greatest American Hero everytime I spy it in a store. That purchase--if ever I were to make it--might just break my record for silliest purchase ever. So I do know that's just LUDICROUS but still...I am so weak!!

Birthday Narwhals

Today is Robin's birthday. I totally spaced it and didn't have a card for her. HOWEVAH... I did 1/2 pay for her lunch at Yama's. No, I wasn't a cheap lameass who said "Happy birthday, buddy. How would you likey me pay for 50% of your lunch costs today??" Lisa picked up the other 1/2.

Also I made her the following Microsoft paint masterpiece.....


The "Rrrrrip didda dip dip dip dip" part is in reference to a catchy b-day ditty "Rrrrrip didda dip dip dip dip--it's your birthdaaay!" that I had been serenading her with all day. I stole it from this Dr Brule report.

For more about the MAGNIFICENT narwhal , check out this page. Narwhals are on my mind on account of listening to "Rock Lobster" this morning (they get a mention somewhere near the end of the song). They are truly rad beasties. Seems like they'd be mythical, or somethin' extinct from a million or so years ago, or just plain make-believe....BUT THEY AIN'T!!!

NAILED IT, BABY!

Not really.

I wouldn't say I "nailed" the interview, but I was pleased with my performance. It took me a while to--I dunno-- gain my "footing" but once I did, I think I was totally affable.

This Tracy that interviewed me was (thankfully) non-intimidating and seemed very down to earth. I think I totally charmed her. I get the feeling that the only thing that would preclude my snagging this job would be if someone came in who had loads of specific experience. Like I explained, I have a very solid foundation for the position-- am very comfortable on the phones and with people, handy with computers, familiar with all the standard guts of officework...I have never worked in a law office though. It's something that intrigues me, and I am definitely willing to learn, but I don't have experience specific to the field.

I kinda faltered on her first question, which was the ol' fave ( the monstrously broad) "So.Tell me about yourself." Why had I not mentally prepped for that one? That was TOTALLY predictable.



At the end of the interview, I'd grown comfortable enough to joke and I said "You know I was all set for you to ask me what I thought my greatest weakness is. Interviewers ALWAYS ask that. So I'd had something all prepared. I'm so disappointed." And she said "Oh...what would you say is your greatest weakness then?" And I said (pretending to think about it) "I'd saaaay...I'm too ...devastatingly gorgeous. And it makes people automatically underestimate my intellect. So that's been a real burden. " (then after a pause said) "well I think the popular tactic is to talk about an asset and then 'spin it' like it's some kind of weakness. And EVERYBODY says they're a workaholic. So I thought I'd do a new variation on that old trick and came up with the devastatingly gorgeous thing." She laughed at the appropriate juncture, which was a good indication that she realized I was speaking in jest. But yet...she scribbled something down on her legal pad. Now if she's planning on passing that along to the big boss man somethin's apt to get lost in the translation (the gleam in my eye, the irreverence in my tone, etc) and the dude's gonna think I am overly confident in my own aesthethetic merits and/or a certifiable nutjob.

On the JOB HUNT front...

I have an jobby interview at a law firm tomorrow morning. At 7:45 am which is fucking redunkulous. WHY did I agree to that time? I 'spose I want to fool the powers that be into thinking that I am INDEED that bright-eyed bushy-tailed early bird sorta gal...and then if they be nutty enough to hire me, I shall reveal the quite contrary truth o' the matter soon enough.

When I had my session with Cindy-of-all-trades, she was talking about interviews, and how they have changed in recent years to a "behavioral" model of interview. By that she means they root around for specific anecdotal examples that illustrate what kind of worker you are. For example, she said a popular interview question these days is "Tell me about your biggest mistake". My friend Roxanny actually told me (during our lunch pow-wow this past weekend ) that she had that exact question on an interview on her last job hunt. She said they added to the question "..this can be in your professional OR personal life..." Oh you do NOT know me like that, Vern!! That just smacks of wanting to delve into you's personal life too early on in the relationship. I wish I had the chutzpah to counter that question with the most UNCOMFORTABLY personal reply ever, just to teach that bastard interviewer a lesson. Got 2 possible answers to that question "on deck" in my noggin (the most subversive part of that noggin)--

INTERVIEWER: What do you think (dramatic pause) was your...GREATEST MISTAKE? This could be in your professional. . or personal life. . .(meaningful stare)
MOI: "Well just last month actually, I had that abortion. And I don't really regret the procedure so much--I mean, I just could NOT give up my Marlboros-- but I kinda wish I tol' Delroy about it beforehand, because I'm like 60% sure he was the daddy and I dunno, I kinda owed him that courtesy, I guess. After all, he IS family"

[They might doubt the truth of that one though, when I uncontrollably lapse into a southern accent]

INTERVIEWER: What do you think (dramatic pause) was your...GREATEST MISTAKE? This could be in your professional. . or personal life. . .(meaningful stare)
MOI: "Oh DEFINITELY that was when I killed that hobo. I'd say about 5 years ago, that was. And I mean, I hadn't--at that point -- killed anyone before. So I was rather sloppy. Pretty sure I left some DNA at the scene. But y'know I think of that more as a learning experience, not really as a mistake. Because it did help me become a better, more efficient murderer. Oh,yeah, I've been MUCH more fastidious on subsequent kills..."

So yeah, I'll be sure to let youse guys know tomorrow how everything went...will letchya know if they ask THAT question (and if I opted to go completely unhinged on 'em)

There's All Kindsa Other Wines. ..Peanut Nore...

I've been in a wine-swillin' mood ever since Valentine's Day. Oh, and uhhh impending unemployment didn't help matters.





Anyways the other weekend I found myself in Shaw's in the wine aisle (yep.. "found myself " there. I just woke up from a fugue state and I was in the wine aisle of my local grocers. No clue as to how I got there. No clue as to why I was wearing a heavy flannel shirt with poodle skirt. It was like some 50s lumberjack disguise...so weird that I soon forgot the initial weirdness of inexplicably winding up in the wine aisle**) I was totally immersed for a while in browsing, admiring the various "packaging" (for lack of a more refined term) Even if I didn't enjoy drinking it, a bottle of wine is a thing of beauty. And I know next to nada about wine, ( I know a few that I dig, but I'm sure as hell no sommelier, a'ight?)so 90% of the time I'm choosing based on what label I think is the foxiest.



Anyways I was intrigued by the packaging on this German wine called Gewürztraminer (although the particular bottle that bewitched me was not exactly German...made by Fetzer winery right here in the States...CA.) and I was enthused (downright titillated) to try a wine I'd never before had (never even heard of, actually) So, yeah, anyhoodle, short story long, I SO recommend the Gewürz. It is DELIGHTFUL. I haven't put away vino like that since my Boone's Farm days. Ha ha just jokin' there...(or AM I??)



This post topic has got me thinking of Python's Australian table wine skit, which, sadly, is one of maybe 3 things in the universe that is missing from YouTube. I mean, I don't think they ever filmed it, it was only for one of their albums, but I thought some eager fangeek might have posted it , dubbed over a slideshow of sundry wine bottles or somethin' like that. I did, at least , find a transcript of the skit...it will hafta suffice but really it's much more comedic when you hear it rattled off by Eric Idle.

**this entire parenthetical tangent is FICTITIOUS

Memories, if you know what I mean, Vern

I was musing the other day over how clearly I remember the opening theme music to Hey Vern, It's Ernest. I mean, the show ran for a year, tops. And I certainly didn't watch as much Ernest as I did Peewee's Playhouse. But somehow for 20 years I've had this song locked securely in my noggin. The mind is kooky territory, amigos.

Aside from this theme song, I've never been able to shake the compulsion of always wanting to follow up the phrase "you know what I mean?" with "VERN". Furthermore, I feel at times a yen to just call people "Vern" in general (people who are not named Vern) I find myself wanting to rent an Ernest movie. How many did he make anyways??

This morning's fixation (sparked by my desk calendar's mention of Davy Crockett dying @ the Alamo* on this day back in 1836) was comparing the relative merits of Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett & Kit Carson. At this point in my research, Daniel Boone seems the awesomest of the three. He saved his daughter Jemima and a gaggle of her little friends from an Injun war party that had kidnapped 'em. That is SOO boss, eh? So why the hell doesn't Boone have a ballad about him? It's redunkulous bullshit!

*I actually don't remember the Alamo, but I know this much: there is NO BASEMENT @ the Alamo!!

Automat

The freedictionary article of the day today was on automats. I totally wish we had automats around here. I'm kind of smitten with them..

What You Like to do Today can Help you Find a Job that Pays- PLAN IT!

Today I met with a nice lady HR had come in to talk with me.

Ha, ha..I just put it like that 'cause it sort of infers that she came wielding a syringe and straight jacket. No, she was not one o' the white coats. She was a "job placement consultant" and she met with all of us.

She --Cindy-- was quite nice and seemed very helpful. Still, I wish HR had "splurged" and brought in the granddaddy of all job placement gurus. Of course, I'm referring to Zack of all Trades. We could have held this sort of group session with Zack--

Yeah, that was dope. I think I coulda really benefitted from that.

(for more Zack in action...go HERE and witness him decimate & humiliate that mean ol' Future Blob)

the Inclement Weather Playlist

Now that I have an iPod dock in my car, I have created and put into action the terrifically handy "Inclement Weather Playlist" It used to be my practice, when driving in foul road conditions, to put in some kind of Broadway compilation CD. But since I have the Taurus (with NO CD player) I have been (or had been) at the whim of whatever was playing on the radio. But no longer. I now have the aforesaid "Inclement Weather Playlist" which is primarily showtunes, but also with a dash of lighthearted easy listening thrown in.

Here is my silly reasoning behind this ritual of mine....

I'm looking at my life as if it were a movie. I'm thinking... if I were to score a scene of some terrific fiery car wreck---what sort of music would I use? Angry thrashy death metal would work in that regard...also super dramatic thundery classical (think Orff's Carmina Burana ) Conversely, it doesn't seem like anything bad can transpire with the main theme to Oklahoma! as its soundtrack. It just wouldn't sync right, y'know? Get what I'm saying, Vern? Anyways, this same idea extends to all the songs chosen for the inclement weather playlist, and it just works out that the bulk of these cannot-possibly-be-the-soundtrack-to-anything-awful songs are showtunes. With (as I said) a few lighthearted easy listening tracks. It has also occurred to me that nothing bad can happen to "Whoomp! There it is!" but I have yet to add that to the playlist.

Here is that playlist. Not really in this order since I've always got it playing in "shuffle" mode. I have put a * next to songs I heard on this morning's commute (because it was crappy freezing rain this a.m. and I availed myself of the I.W. Playlist...hence it being on my mind..)

1. All I Care About * (from the Chicago soundtrack--the movie, not the show.. Richard Gere vocals)

2.Roxie (Chicago movie soundtrack/Renee Zellweger)

3. Mister Cellophane (Chicago movie soundtrack / John C Reilly-- he was awesome in this movie...totally the cat's jammies in most everything he does..but methinks I shall forever think of him as Dr Steve Brule now. LOVE you, Dr Steve!)

4.Razzle Dazzle* (Chicago /Richard Gere)

5.Heigh-Ho (dwarf chorus from Snow White)

6.Let's Go Fly a Kite (Mary Poppins soundtrack)

7.In the Jailhouse Now (O Brother Where Art Thou? movie soundtrack/ Tim Blake Nelson. He actually did his own singing in the movie, y'know. Tim Blake Nelson is one of the "Unsung Awesome" . By "Unsung Awesome" I am referring to this categorical heading in my mind where I file people (Tim Blake Nelson for instance) who I judge to be thoroughly awesome but in a below-the-radar way.
Anyways, I absolutely love O Brother & have probably seen it 50 or so times but I never fail to crack up when Nelson is yelling into the toad's face going "PETE-- IT'S ME DELMAR! IT'S ME DELMAR!" Soooo f***ing terrific!! I also have this movie Cherish that he was in. It's this obscure-ish indie from a few years back . I dig it. It's at least worth a rental... so put it in your g.d. Netflix queue..like now, bitch.)


8.I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow (O Brother Where Art Thou? movie soundtrack / Soggy Bottom Boys; I love this song even if it is rather "country-ish" and I love-LOVE the Soggy Bottom Boys even if they don't have the dryest of bottoms and happen to be fictional)

9.There Once Was A Man* (Pajama Game/Broadway soundtrack) I was so loving this this a.m. It's probably my favorite song from that show...and P.G. has beaucoup awesome songs in it!! I just had to hit YouTube and provide you with the following..







Forgive me...it plays a bit choppily but I couldn't find anything w/ better quality. You know how sometimes when you think of certain songs the same snippet of lyrics invariably pops into your noggin? I mean probably for most songs you think of the titular lyrics or the chorus, but for some songs just this arbitrary couplet stands out to you? For instance, you say "Hotel California' and the bit that drifts through my mind is "..stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast!" (dark, I know) Anyways for the song "There Once was a Man" the "Standout Line" to me is "It rocks my whole solar plexus, it's bigger in Texas". Cunning rhyme, that. How can ya not love it??

10. I'm Not at All in Love ( Pajama Game -Broadway soundtrack)

11. Steam Heat (Pajama Game -Broadway soundtrack)

12.Hernando's Hideaway (Pajama Game -Broadway soundtrack)

13. Try to Remember (from some Broadway compilation or another/ it's from The Fantastiks, which I have never seen. But this song is just really sweet somehow, and I've always really loved it. I have the best version ever-- sung by the late Jerry Orbach (Dr Houseman from Dirty Dancing. Oh and, speaking of Dirty Dancing alum, I was deeply saddened to read THIS)

14. She Loves Me ( from some other Broadway compilation/sung by Daniel Massey. This is from the show "She Loves Me" which I've never seen but I do know it's based on The Shop Around the Corner (a terrific movie...which I own..it's set in Budapest, you know. I would love to check out Budapest. In sort of relevant news, I made chicken paprikash for dinner tonight) so I get the basic plot. This particular song is pretty comical. Also in this musical there's some song about the library that I'd like to download.

15.Consider Yourself (from some Broadway compilation/ this is from "Oliver!" (duuh) I actually have the entire, excellent Oliver soundtrack but I can't find it. I have a CD wallet that is MIA and the only CDs that I am certain that are in there {& consequently MIA with it} is the Oliver! soundtrack and the equally rad Music Man soundtrack. Such a pisser!!)

16. Happiness (from some Broadway compilation/ from the musical "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" KICKASS!! We learned this song in music class in grade school and I KNOW one of the lines was "Happiness is...finding your skate key" I remember this distinctly because even back in the mid 80s all us kids were like: "Skate key?? What the @#$%@ is a skate key??" But strangely,this skate key line is not in this recording of "Happiness". Oh, yeah and speaking of keys... I watched The Skeleton Key tonight (am I or am I not the queen of the damn segue??) It's definitely worth a look. The absolute CREEPIEST damn thing was that record. Yyyikes!! That alone might gimme dem bad cartoons*! I need ta work some hoodoo spell against da bad cartoons!!)

17. Coconut (Harry Nilsson)

18.The Trolley Song ( sung by Judy Garland--from Meet Me in St Louis; I have never encountered an actual trolley firsthand, but I know if ever I do, I shall fully expect the thing to CLANG)

19. The Best Things in Life are Free (June Allyson from Good News)

20. Let's Face the Music & Dance (sung by Fred Astaire in Follow the Fleet; I have another version elsewhere on my Pod that is performed by Nat King Cole. I like that one lots better... I should put that on the I.W. Playlist...)

21.There's No Business Like Show Business (from Annie Get Your Gun ; this one's from the movie musical with Betty Hutton. Ethel Merman was the quintessential Broadway Annie Oakley and.. well, don't get me wrong -- I love Ethel. But if any voice is going to send me careening into a ditch, it'd be Ethel Merman's-- nothing soothing about that broad.)

22.Puttin' on the Ritz (Clark Gable; No idea what movie he sang this in. I've always loved this song..ever since I first heard it {Taco's version, back in the 80s} I am particularly fond of THIS rendition of it)

23. Give My Regards to Broadway (Joel Grey; from some musical or another. I don't particularly like his voice. It's kind of cackly and fey...which works well when he sings "Wilkommen" but I don't like it here. Hey, I don't want to disparage Mr Grey. He did an ep of The Muppet Show and any Muppet Show special guest star is a-okay in my book. Plus, he couldn't be all that fey in the sack.. he did, sometime in the 60s beget Jennifer Grey. Jinkies, I can't seem to shake this inadvertant Dirty Dancing motif my blog has developed today
"Give My Regards.." would be my 2nd favorite song about Broadway...the first fave being "Lullabye of Broadway" which I love. I dig this one too--though maybe not so much the Joel Grey version. 3rd ranked would be "On Broadway" by George Benson. That one only made rank because I only know 3 "Broadway" songs**. I actually dislike that 3rd one. I can't say why precisely, but it irks me.)

24. Anything You Can Do (from Annie Get Your Gun )

25.Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend (so, so true. Sing it, Carol Channing!!)

26.The Lonely Goatherd (from The Sound of Music)

27.Edelweiss (from The Sound of Music; LOVE this song. This version is the one sung solely by Cap'n VonTrappe. Have I 'fessed up to having a mini case of the hots for Cap'n VonTrappe?? It's probably unnecessary to clarify that I mean here Christopher Plummer as the Cap'n and *NOT* the actual Cap'n. I've seen pics of that guy and ...mehh. Real life Maria certainly was no Julie Andrews either for that matter.)

28.Oklahoma! (from...GUESS which show?? You'll never ever guess..)

29.Getting to Know You (from The King and I)

30.Seventy Six Trombones (from The Music Man but ripped from some Broadway compilation-- see parenthetical rant for #15 . GRRRrrr! How I miss that damn soundtrack!!)

31.One (from A Chorus Line)

32. Camelot (from Camelot. The line I love best: "In short there's simply not/ a more congenial spot / for happily-ever-aftering than heeeere in Caaaamelot" The rhyme is pretty fierce, for uno thing. It's awesome how they verb-atized "happily ever after". Also I just plain dig the word congenial. Too bad there's probably beaucoup royalties to be paid to the estates of both Lerner and Loewe or else I would recommend appropriating it for some tourism propaganda. Can't ya just hear it in your head? "In short there's simply not / a more congenial spot / for happily ever aftering than heeeeere iiiin Pettis County Missouri!!" Right??

Another thing about this song... I am such a nerd, my word association reflex for the cue of "Camelot " is either "we eat ham and jam and spam a lot" or, even more often it makes me think "I. have. to . push. the . pram a loooot" (delivered in a deep bass of course)

*bad cartoons = nightmares That's what I've called 'em since age 3 or so, anyways.
** I since remembered the BeeGee's "Nights on Broadway" which I really dig and that would bump "Give My Regards.." outta the #2 slot. Also I am reminded that my beloved BeeGee's greatest hits CD is another one gone missing with that infamous MIA CD wallet.

epilogue on the door drama & miscellany

Last Thursday morning--when my door was failing to latch when shut-- was NOT an isolated incident, unfortunately. It happened again Thursday night, Friday afternoon, again Friday evening. Friday night I oiled up its innards and jiggled the guttyworks about with my brand new slotted screwdriver (consult a pro? Oh pishaw...whatever for? I'm ever so handy!) then left it alone. All day Saturday I entered & exited via the passenger's side door. Then Sunday after mass the door latched no problemo and it has continued to (knock wood) ever since. Perhaps there was a poltergeist inhabiting my door who tired of me dousing it with WD40. Or it could be that , fumbling around with my slotted screwdriver, I happened upon the elusive door Gspot and it will now do my bidding forevermore. Probably it was an issue of frozen guttyworks and the problem thawed itself out. See ? Do ya see in retrospect how needless of help I was?

Saturday was fun. I met up with Roxanny for lunch at "The Fort" (The Fort at Exit 18 is the full name o' the joint actually, it's this truck stop in Leb that's low on atmosphere but just boffo for cheap, yummy eats) and we ate and chatted and co-perused the want ads. I had the Monte Cristo which was *okay* but I kinda wish I'd gotten what she'd ordered-- poached egg, toast, and corned beef hash--which I wouldn't have ordered on account of my never having tried corned beef hash previously. I don't know why I was so reluctant, I'm nuts for corned beef & cabbage. I tried a bit of Roxanne's hash and it was MAGNIFICO.
Anyways, apres lunchie, we went to Queechee to the Antiques Mall and browsed around for a few hours. I picked up some old silver for my sister--namely, this oddball jam serving implement in a 1933 Oneida pattern called "King Cedric" and a spreader in a 1917 Oneida pattern that I can't recall the name of. It wasn't used silverware (which would be kind of icky) but just old lots that never sold. They had some really lovely patterns. I bought myself some clip-on earrings. Yep..clip-ons. Even though my ears are pierced. I like clip-on earrings though, for two reasons. Reason 1- They are becoming somewhat of a rare bird. Even rarer are the "screwback" style of clip-ons. I wanted to get me some o' them, but they didn't have a design I liked. Reason B- I find there's something inexplicably elegant in the gesture--seen in countless movies/ TV shows but never in real life--of slipping off your left clip-on earring just as you answer the phone. You've seen it right? I wanna wear clip on earrings just so's I can do that on occasion.

I'm no antiquities FIEND but I do like them. I feel that jewelry is the best kind of antique. I tried on a really lovely amethyst ring that looked to be from the '20s or '30s and it slid just to the knuckle of my ring finger . No dice!! Unless I wanted to wear it as a pinky ring (LAME..unless you're some kinda mob boss) or get it resized. I'm against the notion of resizing just 'cause I feel I'd rather leave the matter up to fate--in other words: if it doesn't fit, it wasn't meant to be.

Sunday I just hung out at my sister's house. 'Twas a rather unremarkable, low key day ...nada to report there.

funny pics

I was gushing the other day about how TERRIFIC and addictive Leifpeng's illustration collection on flickr is. And it is both terrific and addictive, but some of these pics also struck me as rather amusing. I mean, their comedic value is largely due to the goofy captions that accompany them and it certainly does NOT detract from how masterfully rendered this stuff is (I mean, I wish for 1/10 of the artistic ability these guys had).

Part of the fun of these illustrations is how they insinuate some kind of plot, and if you can magnify the text enough to make it legible you then have a silly , provocative caption and the opening of the tale but have to concoct the rest of the story for yourself. That is, unless you want to write to the Saturday Evening Post for back issues from 50+ years ago. Is there even a Saturday Evening Post anymore? Gimme a moment for research. . . aaand...oh hey, whaddya know. I guess you could do that. Who knew there was still a Sat. Evening Post?? Wiiild...

Still, 'tis more fun to speculate. Here are some lovely evocative pics that moved me to speculate madly...

One caption reads "When a Southern gentleman jilts a Southern belle, look to the lady's past for a reason". That rather amused me, and when I set this as my desktop pic, I moved all the icons into that white box of text but made sure that that line was unobscured. The smaller caption here is more mysterioso though.. it reads:
"Only her love for Dana kept her in this house, where night after night she watched hatred drawing nearer to violence..."
I can't decide WHERE violence is about to erupt in this tableau or if it has already erupted...
Is it green lady who is about to get violent? I don't know, she looks,MIFFED at the very worst. Dana doesn't look too pleased about Pinky barnacling all over him and wrinkling his lapels so perhaps he is about to belt her. Oh --and there is the matter of that fellow being hustled up the stairs. At first glance, I thought he was just a decrepit oldster. Buuuut. . . couldn't it also be that he's been kicked repeatedly in the guts and hit with a lead pipe? You would also need help up the stairs if you had been kicked repeatedly in the guts and hit with a lead pipe...am I right??

WOW..she's saying NO even when faced with a suitor wielding a guitar? Why, the acoustic guitar is one of the wiliest weapons in the lothario arsenal....

I cannot fathom such tremendous willpower!! It truly boggles the nog...

That is from when my memoirs were serialized in Cosmo. Even though it IS about me, I didn't pose for the illustration (believe it or not). So I'm curious about this gentleman's gesture. According to the caption, it means "Are you by any chance free to take dinner with me tonight?" but I wonder...looks like somethin' else. Well, whatever it means --she /I look(s) intrigued...

What is he doing on that ladder? Is he being a total lech and employing a ladder to gain an aerial view of her cleavage? If that's the case, she is being exceptionally cooperative. Is this a prop in his mime act? Possibly she was steadying the ladder as he used it in order to change the bulb in this light fixture (maybe to a different wattage, or perhaps to one that was less moth-attracting??) but mid-ascent he was overcome by a sudden attack of narcolepsy...
Even more puzzling is HER behavior. The caption quotes her as saying "Slap me--good and hard" WTF?? Does it not occur to her that a dude in this get-up (neckerchief? loafers sans socks??) might not be capable of the good, robust slap she requires...

And speaking of excessive violence... here we have Mariposa Lil. I'm no CSI wiz, but it looks like she thumped him while he was blissfully unaware. Certainly doesn't look like a case of self-defense. Looks more like a case of "How'm ah gonna pay my rent, Red, if you gone gambled away all yo' whorin' moneys?"

But what I love the mostest here is this caption-- "It's hard for a man to love a woman after she's clouted him with a bung starter!!" Ok, ok, I realize a "bung starter" is obviously a mallet for the pounding in of a cork into an old timey barrel keg. But I can't help but snicker. I suppose it comes from having watched too much Beavis & Butthead in my formative years. If there's one thing I learned from my years of B&B viewership, it's that if you do not get the TP urgently needed for your bunghole, you're apt to fall prey to the dreaded POLIO of the BUNGHOLIO. I mean, all polio is bad, certainly, but bungholio polio... jinkies. I can't.. I can't even begin to... damn.. it's just unspeakably horrid..

Anyways, "clouting by bungstarter" is my new favorite threat. I've long favored "I shall GRIND YOUR BONES to MAKE MY BREAD!" which I appropriated from the Giant from Jack & the beanstalk fame. And--don't get me wrong-- I still adore that one. I'd just hate to overuse it. So, today if someone cuts me off in traffic I will holler "You f****er! I shall GRIND YOUR BONES to MAKE MY BREAD!" but tomorrow, when some customer schmuck is rude to me on the phone I will growl "Why I oughtta clout you with a bung starter, you miserable bastard" (with Mr Customer muted or on hold of course ) You gotta mix it up, keep it fresh, y'know??

I Have Damsel-in-distress Issues

Damn my insatiable need for java!!

Last night, I went out to retrieve something from my car, my driver's side door would not latch shut. I have had this happen periodically--always this same door, always in cold weather. Usually it takes a little wait, a little jiggling of the inner/outer handle, repeated slams and it magically rights itself. I didn' t feel like dicking around with it last night so I just pressed it shut, made sure the dome light went out, and went back in the house. Then this morning when I got in the car to set off for work, it shut without any difficulty.

HOWEVER... I had a little extra time and, it being thirsty Thursday, I just *had* to stop off and procure a cup of coffee for the ride into the office. Well I stopped at Mike's Mobile and grabbed coffee (3/4 Breakfast Blend, 1/4 Golden French Toast flavor, with Milk & liberal dosing of sugar) and a doughnut and well, certainly you have pre-surmised what happened when I returned to my vehicle. Mothafuckin' door would NOT close. I try the usual routine of handle jiggling and alternating door slams with various degrees of force...I'm at this for 10 minutes and when I see it's 8:26 I realize I'm probably not going to make it to work for 8:30am. At this point I futilely ransack my purse for the cell phone I'd left at my desk at work. Luckily one of Mike's Mobile's many fine amenities is they are host to one of the few remaining payphones in N America. I rang the office 800# (niiice) and explained to my coworker Laurel that I'd be late and why (also forewarned her that I was going to be one grumpy bitch when I did arrive on the scene) And Laurel's like "Oh, yeah..I had a van that did that. I used to have to jiggle the latch in the door all the time to get it to work" I get back to the car, and I'm thinking "Yeeeeah...latch jiggling--I've yet to try that"

Considering my car is such a flea market on wheels, it is pretty miraculous ( &unfortunately so)that I don't have a screwdriver in my car...well I didn't , I should say. I do now. But first, I had a go at the door with the non-business end of a blush brush. It was only after my blush brush tinkering got the latch jammed in the latched position, that I went in and bought a proper screwdriver. Also bought a wee cannister of lock de-icer. And ginger-lemon lip balm (that's neither here nor there of course, although I could use a smidge of that applied right now). Managed to squirt a li'l bit of de-icer into the latch mechanism before I broke the cannister nozzle off in my door. With the screwdriver I was able to get the latch moving up & down freely again. However that sonofabitch still would not shut for me.

Notice a tactic missing from my frantic efforts? I NEVER asked anyone for help. I am so RETARDEDLY STUBBORN about that sometimes!! I need to learn to channel Blanche DuBois (not of The Golden Girls..different Blanche) who unperturbedly purrs "Whoever you are—I have always depended on the kindness of strangers" (let's just ignore the fact that this is after suffering some sort of break from reality and she's being led off to the boobyhatch as she sez that) Even when I get help forced upon me, or I resign to asking for help I am always pretty pissed at my lack of self-reliance. Externally I'm making with the sickeningly profuse thank-yous (which is totally *sincere* I should add...don't get me wrong, I AM grateful) but internally I'm kicking myself: "Awww YOU coulda done that you hapless ninny!"
Anyways, this a.m. there was at least 50 customers traversing the parking lot that I could have implored for aide but I couldn't do it. I was clinging to this insistence that I could--I WOULD-- fix this my own damn self!

Ultimately though, the cashier dude came out and helped me. I had mentioned my predicament when I bought the de-icer & screwdriver. I probably wouldn't have done that unprompted though. He'd looked at my purchases and said "Uh-oh. Looks like trouble" and then I explained.

Cashier-dude said "Are you *sure* it's the door?" And I said (oh so eloquently) "Well yeah. The latch won't latch. So I think so." He jabbed at my lock switch a couple times, gave my driver's side door lock a tug or two. I got in, he shut the door, and THE G-D THING LATCHED SHUT!! This triggered in me a very complex rush of "Halle-freakin'-lujah!!" and "Oh what the bloody hell?" all at once. Initially I was mostly elated and grateful though (the mantra of "why didn't I think of that??" &self-administered ass kicking didn't commence until later in my ride to work) My window was frozen shut...and I wasn't opening that damn door again even if my bucket seat spontaneously combusted. So my "Thank you! Thanks so much!" was totally mute. But I tried to move my lips very clearly. Also in lieu of a universally recognized gesticulation for "thank you" I pressed my left fist to my heart at him. Which, I dunno, probably means "I fucking LOVE YOU". But, I guess in the moment that was true, too. Just the same, I feel sure I looked like some exasperatedly elated trainwreck-tool-wackadoo. I am going to institute a temporary boycott of Mike's Mobile.

I was an hour late to work (and oh yes, I WAS a grumpy bitch upon arrival). My door didn't latch when I got here. When I went to lunch, I got it to latch again. Picking up my takeout, I had nightmarish premonitions of getting stranded at Chilis and so I went out my passenger's side door..much more nimbly than you'd think I could, I might add. Entered back through the passengers door after getting the food, wondering how many--if any-- eyes over yonder in the KMart parking lot were looking my way. When I got back here, I brazenly attempted a normal driver's side door exit again..door successfully latched. I have no fucking idea what to expect when I go to leave tonight....

New diversions...

So today it wasn't castle websites (though I think I'll be revisiting that fixation) but I was totally OBSESSED with this absolutely marvelous flickr set. I checked out every single illustrator, from Anderson to Woods . To add a bit of visual stimuli to my blog (that it has been lacking for the past few days) I will post an example here. I couldn't say it's my fave (though I like it lots), I mean there's such an abundance of great work offered up in that collection, I find it's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to pick a fave.

My shoulders & upper arms are sore as hell today. Now, this would be from last night's pushing efforts in the group project of getting my car unstuck at the bottom of the driveway. It was a damnable pain in the ass that I got stuck and it irked me even more that I couldn't get unstuck without help. My LANDLORD and his daughter came out and assisted me. DRAT and CURSES. I try sooo hard to keep a very laissez faire arrangement with these people and having them help me dislodge my car from a snowbank mucks said arrangement up a bit. Look I KNOW that sounds ungrateful and maladjusted. But I just don't want the landlord fam to think we're great chums. I am as fastidious about safeguarding my privacy as I would be if I had anything going on that warranted such stringent privacy (but I just don't presently..) And I 'spose I'm also wanting to maintain that aura of mystery that I so alluringly exude..... haa.

Anyways the ultra-abridged version of the whole ordeal is that I arrived home at 7:45pm but didn't wind up going inside until 9:15. Even with 3 people & nearly 2hrs labor, the best we were able to do is to get the car halfway up the drive and off to the left side (which was at least a safe place to park it). Getting it into the garage was an utter impossibility.

Oh.. I failed to mention earlier that today I faxed the resume (I am thinking -belatedly - that perhaps I should've had the rag inspected by a pro of some sorts before I commenced faxing it all over the Upper Valley but ohhh fuckin' well!) to 2 different companies today and emailed it (along with "letter of interest") to another (a law firm..wooo!) I feel compelled to give a quickie progress report on the job hunt front...particularly after blathering on about all this unconstructive flickr browsing I'm doing. I am not slacking off *all* day. On the other hand, I am not CONSTANTLY& TOTALLY immersing myself in the hunt like I should. But I do make myself apply to at least 3 companies daily before I permit myself to piss away the rest of the day. Oh, and yeah, I do a smattering of work every now and then. But truthfully, my already middling work ethic has waned considerably since my job's been eliminated and I can't say as I'm all that guilt-ridden about it. I was talking 'bout this w/ Robin today (via IM banter) and she said "What's the worst that could happen? They keep your "stay bonus' ?" Which was a weird and slightly dumb thing to say, as "what's the worst that could happen.." should precede a not all that unfortunate consequence. Which is not to say a fortunate consequence...just something that is mildly bad. But ahh..if my "stay bonus" was withheld it would be quite beyond mildly bad!! It *WOULD* be the worst that could happen...for them! If "the Man" absconded with my stay bonus...I would haunt them..like uhh..haunt them ....{ahh gee lemme think}..like some murdered chap in a Poe story!! It would be a relentless and FEROCIOUS haunting, I assure youse. Oh, heeey , if that literary point of reference doesn't do it for ya, think o' me as THIS GUY....

I feel like all I've done today is urinate and look at castle websites.

Y'see I bought this fab bargain book at Borders-- Castles, Palaces & Stately Houses of Britain & Ireland and one of its appendices has "Property Listings" wherein they list mailing addresses of all the featured palaces/manors and also, where applicable, their webpage URL. Most of these places are online, I was pleased to discover. For instance, Robin and I (yes, I coerced me mates into joining in on the work avoidance...I am SUCH a corruptive influence) were planning our hypothetical weddings at Chatsworth ..I tell ya..gonna be damned bee-yooo-tiful once the matter of the groom is decided upon.

Some absolutely gorgeous digs in the book. Also, I find it SO elegant how it seems that every residence just had to have a name. When that as-yet-undetermined groom builds me a magnificent home, I assure you we WILL slap a name on that casa.

I did manage to make an appointment for an eye exam today . And I scheduled an interview...I guess it's an interview...with this employment agency for this Friday. Robin recommended these guys highly (her friend works there , plus it's how she got her current gig) but it feels a bit like I'm allying myself with pimps. The dame on the phone said I should allow up to 2 hrs for their "evaluation & screening process". Robin said I'll probably be doing a typing test, proofreading test....and doing some alphabetizing. Daaaamn-- who is the sorry nimrod who botches an alphabetizing test?? Also I have to bring TWO FORMS of ID. Damned inconvenient, that. My license is always at the ready, but for my other form...umm... well, I think I might know where my birth certificate is. As for the whereabouts of my SS card..beats the hell outta me. Y'know, I think that if you're reputable, and more or less on the "up & up" then you shouldn't have to be bothered with keeping all that sheize in order. I mean, it's not as if "The MAN" ain't got a dossier on you, right? (Governmental MAN in this instance, not Corporate MAN...though it's true of both I suppose) Seems to me like my maintaining the paperwork is just a duplication of efforts. Ugh, life is all gunked up with excess bureaucracy, ain't it? Siiigh.

Anyways, Stacy (who scheduled my "evaluation & screening process")didn't say anything about bringing a urine sample, but I might, just to be sure all o' my bases are covered, bring along a pint of my finest vintage in a tightly tightly sealed Mason jar. Would it not be the utter height of hilarity to float 3 or 4 Ramen noodles in there?

*&^%$#%^*ING BLOGGER YOU UNCOOPERATIVE *(&%$!!!

What does it take to post pictures so that they fucking enlarge when you click on them?? It seems to be entirely incumbent on some elusive Providential whim....

It frustrates the HELL outta me, dagnabbit. .. .

free lunch!!

Because we passed on dinner with Nance on Tuesday night, the company thought they'd pick up our lunch tab. Lisa sent out the email yesterday soliciting ideas of where to order from. I suggested the very priciest restaurant I could think of. If the company wants to assuage their ill conscience via free lunch, then they're going to have to shill out copious moolah, beeeyotch.

Except....nobody took my suggestion seriously so we ended up with The Ninety Nine. Here's the email from this a.m.---

Wooh, SHIT! I just reread that and I must really be despondent. I am not usually a big typo offender but I spotted 2 GLARING errors in my response email. Guess I'm all outta sorts.

It kind of irked me how it was stipulated that we order off the "Lunch Break menu" Heaven forfend we get *too* expensive!! I mean, it's @#%$^ing Ninety Nine...how much damage can we do?? But whatev. My fish & chips was scrumdiddlyumptious. Except it was a bit on the skimpy side...I coulda put down about 3X that much schrod. (yeeesh..sounds smutty!)

Believe it or not, I'm in a nicer & slightly less petulant mood today. I wrote a chipper thank-you-for-lunch email (to Maggie, NOT Nance) and have been doing much less sulky. I think the improvement can be partially attributed to the fact that I fully got my ass in gear on the job hunt front. I finished up my resume and my references page, and faxed the resume to 2 different businesses and a job placement agency.

I have absolutely NADA planned for this weekend. I wish my Wives & Daughters DVD set (the replacement) would come in unexpectedly early. It would be a PRIMO weekend for mini-series watching as there is nothing on the itinerary. Plus, I'm reluctant to plan anything that may involve $$. I'm feeling it may be wise to squirrel some "nuts" away for what might be a loooong winter.

That means I need to save money. Oh damn. I'd thought it would seem less abhorrent if I used a cutesy woodland creature euphemism when mentioning it. Didn't work. Fuuuuuck...

Mood Check

Current mood: petulant. I looked that word up (@ the ol' m-w) to make sure that that meant what I thought it meant and not only did it mean what I thought it meant, but it also perfectly describes my attitude today.



Everybody else seems to have reverted back to this business-as-usual good humor and I can't stand it. They expect this great equanimity out of us, and even though I realize it's the high road and it would behoove me to strive for that, I find I am, perversely, clinging to a sour mood. I am withholding my equanimity out of spite!!



I'm not silly enough to be grumbling at people, or hollering, or glaring or anything. I've just gotten overtly withdrawn. OK , well I can't suppress the occasional snide comment either. When opening the departmental mini fridge to get coffee creamer this morning there were not one, but two cartons. At which I marvelled "Hey wow. TWO creamers. Isn't that ambitious??"



I don't know if Maggie (bosslady) heard that or if she just is perceptive enough to know what overt withdrawl means when I do it (doubt that), but moments later she stopped by my desk and we had this exchange---



MAGS: How ya doing?

ME: Oh. Just. . . DUCKY

MAGS: Not in a good mood?

ME: Not particularly

MAGS: Why is that?

ME: {I'm wanting to say "CAN YOU FUCKING GUESS??" but instead replied--} Hmm. Just on a WHIM, I suppose.



It BUGS me that management is being all sensitive with us and handling us so delicately. I can't help but wonder how much of that sensitivity is borne of genuine concern and how much of it is them thinking "We don't want another Brian Mackerel on our hands--yikes!!"



Nance was the worst. First off she was saying how she wanted us to train people in TX on the accounts/customers that we'd "bonded" with...y'know acquaint them with these customers' idiosyncrasies, or whatever. She was saying " So that the transition is as easy (by "easy" she means "seamless") for the customer as possible." and then she falters "Well of course it'll be different for them.. (then,attempting a feeble joke:) Everyone will have Texan accents..." To which I remarked "Ah..otherwise it'll be Sandra 2.0"
She kept reiterating how we should present this to the customers...that is, if we MUST present it at all. The recommended approach, if I understand her rightly, is to NEVER bring it up, but if (heaven forfend) it comes up in conversation we absolutely must broach the subject with the utmost impartiality and glad fucking tidings. It irks me that she apparently thinks we're going to go all Howard Beale on the customers. Actually, she probably wouldn't think up such an allusion, as I can't imagine her taking in an excellent movie like Network. Search me what the fuck she watches. If I were to speculate...well...I couldn't say for cinematic tastes, but Nance totally strikes me as a loyal Nancy Grace viewer. Not only because they share a first name either. Oh did I mention that-- the name "Nance" spelled N-A-N-C-E does *not* rhyme with "pants" it's pronounced "Nancy". I know the spelling of names is not the exact science that the spelling of nouns or adjectives or verbs is..but come on. If you insist on spelling your name so f***king MORONICALLY, than get set for people to botch the pronunciation, ok??

Since Howard Beale is my fave movie icon du jour. I'll post below his classic tirade... This dude is THE SHIT,yo....

Some foxy with your funny

Ok, so I NEEEED to be working on my resume and/or scouring the classifieds with a vengeance but I can't motivate myself to leave Funny or Die. It's ridiculous. Of all times for my procrastinating genes to go all hyperactive, this is NOT the best time.

I will get on that immediately after lunch. This I vow. Now, that vow is in writing so I must comply. . . .

This one I had to share. It's not tremendously hilarious (or, in today's parlance, it's not quite ROTFLMFAOHHOMGIFDOL**) but it's amusing, and (more importantly) it does provide a FINE Clive Owen fix... yumm-o



Just for the record the real Clive would never be so heartless. Actually the real life Mrs Owen-- I saw a paparazzi shot of her from OK! (or maybe it was US Weekly?) and she --forgive my cattiness-- was rather frumpy. But Clive is always saying such tender & sensitive things about her...
Siiiigh!

*rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off holy Hell oh my God I'm friggen' dying of laughter

YOU deserve a chuckle, mon ami

...for putting up with all this anxiety and distress I've been spewing. I hate to say it, but there's likely more to come. But I thought a little comedic respite was in order.
This I shall deliver in the form of three videos I ripped off of the Funny or Die website. That's one perk about impending termination: I've NO compunctions whatsoever about streaming video on company time /bandwidth.

I've arranged these vids in order of strangeness. They're all that oddball sort of funny (where I'm laughing hysterically and simultaneously saying to myself "What the FUCK am I laughing at here??") but you'll find the videos to be increasingly stranger as you scroll down. The first one is the FUNNIEST I think...probably you will recognize the good doc...



What I love best: "SWEETBERRY WINE!!" Was also rather amused by Dr Steve's astute insights re: orgies.



That one's creepy funny. Any type of person you find lurking in your dumpster is apt to be-uhhh-of the unsavory sort. But this guy has got to be one of the creepier members of that dumpster-lurking set.



Also a creepy sort of funny. I also think that one owes a good deal of its comedic worth to the repetition of the word "doo doo" set to such a catchy beat.

things about impending termination: a short list

Sorry to drone on excessively about this lousy bullshit. It's uhh, kinda on my mind though.

1. RELOCATION-- This was an option put before me. They have a few openings to fill in the Texas customer care center and they were urging us to put in for the jobs. The co. would chip in up to $5000 toward relocation costs. Nance seemed to really think that Robin and I (in particular) would jump at this chance...simply because we are the only 2 in the department who are single sans dependents.
There is ONE THING that makes the idea of relocation to TX customer care appealing-- the job would be guaranteed. There is somewhat of a draw in that. But even though I loathe job hunting, find it to be a colossal pain in the ass, etc etc, I do believe I can do better than this job. I mean, for somebody to relocate for a job, it ought to be a GREAT job, an exceptional opportunity. This gig is neither.
Besides, there's the small matter of my family. I have long been torn over the whole settle in this area vs. go forth and explore debate. One part of me feels like I would LOVE to look into other geographical options. And yet, at the same time, the notion of moving away makes me think of my nieces & nephew growing up and changing and me only getting brief flashes of this process via email and sporadic visits and that just makes me heartsick. I would miss my sister terribly. I would, I'm sure, miss my parents too, but I even think I would worry about them even more than I'd miss them. Oh shit..this tangent is making me sad...I'm going to take a moment and try to regain my preferable previous disposition -- pissed off and bitter.

2.Hugs,Chocolate, Dinner-- Alriiiight, this makes me feel good and angry!!
When Nance has come to town previously, just for regular meetings or whatever, we've often gone out as a dept and had dinner on the company's dime. Well, we knew last week she was coming into town (but were clueless as to why) and had planned to go out to the Weathervane Mon night. But then Nance's arrival was delayed and, subsequently so was this dinner.
Then at this meeting, after breaking this shitty news to us, Nance says "We can have dinner tonight if you all want" Umm.. no thanks. Sure, there most definitely IS part of me that wants to wring every perk & peso outta this company that I can. However, I don't fancy the notion of breaking bread with the broad who just fired my fired ass. Maybe that's petty of me, but that's how I feel.

Later in the afternoon, there was a big bag of Lindt chocolates on our conference room table. So naturally, I gobbled up a couple of milk chocolate truffles. When there is chocolate to be had, I partake--this is like a hard-wired reflex. But moments later, I had an awful thought. I IMed Robin :"WHO were those chocolates from??" She confirmed my fear--NANCE had bestowed them. If I had known that , I wouldn't have touched the @!#$%ers. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE sweet delicious chocolate. Nevertheless, you keep your filthy severance truffles, Nance. F-ing choke on 'em.

And even later in the day, before she left to head to the airport she came around to offer goodbyes and sorrys to everyone. I heard her over the cubby wall talking with Lisa...then Robin.. Suddenly, it dawned me: oh holy HELL...she's fucking HUGGING everyone. I didn't want hugs from her when I was gainfully employed, how the hell does she think I feel NOW?

Look I realize it's NOT personal. I'm still miffed. I can't help it. Whatev.

I did (in case you were wondering) manage to eschew the hug. I availed myself of a few unsubtle nonverbal cues-- crossed my arms and pulled my chair right tight up to my desk (edge of the desk jutting into my abdomen). That was enough to tip her off that I wasn't keen on hugging. Which is good, because if she had gone in for a hug, I might've had to "check" her like some hockey ruffian.

3. No tears-- It's totally warped of me to be so gratified over this. But I did NOT cry. I have not cried. At the meeting, I sat between Laurel & Robin--both weeping copiously. I was eating a bag of mini muffins and acting as envoy of the communal box of Kleenex.

4. I have decided to NOT tell my parents about this foul development until after I've gotten another gig. My sister was surprisingly supportive of this idea when we met for lunch. She's usually telling me how I suppress too much and trying to get me to be more forthcoming. I guess she just must see the undeniable logic of keeping my parents uninformed.

5.And finally--THE SILVER LINING. I went out for dinner & drinks last night with Roxanne and Heather and it was *just* what I needed. I am very fortunate in a lot of ways-- all the ways that really matter, y'know?
In addition to all my friends being totally wonderful, I also had a reminder of how much worse things could be. On my lunch break, I had to run to Borders to return Wives & Daughters (the copy I ordered came in with a CRACKED DISC! How pissed was I? But that wound up being another high point of the day, because the Borders clerk was totally cool and easy to work with --he was pretty easy on the eyes too, come to think of it) anyways, while at Borders I ran into Greg's sister and her aunt (whom she was quite close to) just died. She'd been terminal with cancer for a while and passed away just last week. Well, I'd been grousing about my job situation (jobless situation) and it suddenly occurred to me that I had never offered my condolences. I am crap about sending cards, so of course, I'd not done that. So in the middle of my griping I stop and offer up a very clumsy "Oh, and I was REALLY SORRY to hear about your Aunt Joyce" (lame, right?) and gave her a hug.
Anyways, that interlude got me to thinking on how really insignificant my complaints were. It's a pain in the ass to be sure, but certainly not the worst of predicaments!!

FuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK

What a lousy fucking morning.



Let me share with you a letter bestowed upon me in a meeting this morning...

First off, you'll notice-- if you have superhuman attention to detail--that this letter is dated 2002. Brilliant. And although I have blocked out the last name of the executioner here, you're going to have to take my word for it that her last name was misspelled in the header. I mean I have an innate tendency to focus in on grammatic faux pas, but these particular errors irk me exceedingly. I mean, it's nice to know they went to such exhaustive ends to proofread this letter(...she sniped sardonically). It shows you just how important they think it is. It shows you...that I work for morons. WHY do I work for morons? Why have I worked here for this long? To get a g.d. watch?

I'm not 100% disappointed. Which is not to say I'm fucking ELATED about it either. I mean, I can see how, ultimately, this may shake down to be a positive turn of events. But I'm not going to commence feeling warm & fuzzy until I come out the other end of the proverbial tunnel...with a job (ideally a BETTER PAYING JOB).

This was no surprise. When we were hired on we were forewarned of this possibility. So it's been 5 yrs of waiting for this guillotine blade to fall. You half-expect it all the time, but you push it to the back of your mind. So it did..I don't know...it startled me. But it wasn't--for any of us-- a shock. As soon as I walked in this morning's meeting, and saw HR presence there my little inner Sandra said "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" I knew this was it. The blade was dropping.

I get a $2000 bonus to stay on this ship until it's fully sunk. You can bet your shiny heiny I WILL avail myself of that. I'll be a faithful rat right 'til the end. I'm out for every red cent I can glean from this company. Even the once-red ones that are tarnished and sticky with gunk.

They say the transition is going to take up to 60 days. That's 60days to find a new gig...work on my blasted resume. I DETEST resume writing. Pardon my being tiresome, but it bears reiteration: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Ugggh...this day is making me queasy.

artists and muses

Happy Prez Day Birthday to John Hughes & Molly Ringwald!! Is it not utterly BIZARRO that these 2 share a birthday? I think so. I imagine Hughes viewed it as an omen and it only cemented his obsession with her. I've always had the strong impression he was obsessed with Molly, but to really be fair, I must confess I don't know where I picked up that notion . I think it was from either an E! True Hollywood Story OR some retro rehash served up on VH1. Hey, perhaps it's mere coincidence that their big rift dates to the year 1986.. . .the very same year Mol turned 18. Also in 1986, Molly turned down the Amanda Jones role in Some Kind of Wonderful (not Hughes-directed but he did write it...awesome flick-I heartily recommend) and also apparently said some disparaging things about him to the press. And *officially* 'twas this double "dis" that caused Hughes to be disenchanted forevermore. Ringwald, supposedly, was trying to distance herself from Hughes roles because she felt she'd grown out of 'em, didn't want to be "pigeonholed", you know..that whole schpiel. But maybe...just maybe...she wanted to distance herself from Hughes himself once she was fair game, legally speaking. Perhaps she saw he was suppressing lecherous intentions and feared he would suppress 'em no longer. Or it could be both-- avoidance of typecasting and mauling. Or just the typecasting thing. Or neither. I merely speculate. As a 9 year old in 1986, I was spending so much of my time in Mrs Lane's 4th grade classroom that I didn't get to mingle with the Brat Pack as much as I'd have liked.



In the field of fine arts we've another cool Feb 18 birthday: Louis Comfort Tiffany (1848-1933). How awesomely unusual a middle name is that anyways? It blends pretty well with his whole name, but I don't know that just anybody could bear that middle name without it sounding odd. Takes some of the focus off his prissy last name, I suppose. I thought it interesting that Tiffany's padre -- Charles Lewis Tiffany (1812-1902)--was born on Feb 15. Even nuttier..the father died on his son's 54th birthday. Charles was famous for starting up the famous Tiffany & Co jewelry store in 1837. And probably L C could've just assimilated himself into the family biz and made quite a COMFORTable living for himself, but he would up making a name for himself in the art nouveau movement, particularly with his stained glass work (although he also painted and designed jewelry). Of course I shall make with the visual aides...the necklaces above were credited to him. Also, you'll see below some of his stained glass work that I particularly dug...