head gear

I received a couple of gift certs to Kohls this Christmas. Now, I have had a history of finding decent threads in there, but now that I have $$$ to burn, I can't seem to find a damn thing. Still, I couldn't leave there empty handed when I went this past Saturday so I got a cool bracelet, a necklace, & knit hat (all Vera Wang's Simply Vera line-- nice stuff, me likey)



So this hat I got-- kind of rad. It's sort of a touque-style hat--a loose black knit that you can see through the weave and see that inside the black knit is all silver sequins. Aw hell, why don't I just scrounge up a pic for y'all??



{several web scouring minutes later...}



It's really cuter in person, I assure you. Anyways, you can see it's not a tight beanie..it's got a bit of slouch to it. So, I've been wearing it sorta pushed back and to the left. And I've been wearing the hell out of it. The greeter at Walmart said it was cute and looked very good on me. And then as I donned it the other day to head out on my lunch break, one of my coworkers said it made me "look like a city girl". Now, I would have preferred the adjective "fetching" in the first scenario, and "metropolitan" in the latter, but that is not what either of them said, and I endeavor to report with the utmost accuracy, yes I do. Nevertheless, both remarks were complimentary and I was feeling pretty fine.

And then I caught a glimpse of myself in a big mirror. Well, really, I don't think the hat was the sole culprit, rather there was some awful sartorial chemistry going on with my coat-hat pairing. The coat may be the guiltier party --a long wool coat, trench style, black & white herringbone pattern, looks slightly stupid with its 2 big loopy belt loops hanging off the back of it when I have long since lost the belt. I'm a fan of long coats generally. I find them elegant (not dusters though...dusters are foul. I feel like primarily they are worn by weird neauvo-cowboys and plain ol' weird weirdos that keep weird journals that you better be on the lookout for. Hey, if you know of another ilk that favors dusters--please do enlighten me !) But I'm thinking that certain body types just need to find the absolute perfect long coat and maybe some should just totally avoid 'em. Anywhoodle...when I saw me in the mirror, 3 words flashed through my mind:

Glitzy Sam Kinison.

Oy vey!! So the moral of the story: believe your mirrors, NOT the hype. Unless you're consulting one of those 50x magnification make-up mirrors. Don't believe that kind!! I'm not saying they're dishonest mirrors, quite the contrary. But if you believe what those tell you, well...one is liable to have a lie-down on the train tracks and wait for the next express to flatten 'em. BRUTAL instruments, and I recommend shunning them altogether.

In other headgear news, I wore a turban to work the other day. No, I'm not adding a Middle Eastern flair to my wardrobe, nor am I trying to pull off some sort of business cas. Bob Mackie type o' thing. It was a bit of a slip-up and the rambling, unabridged backstory goes a little somethin' like--
I am really, really, really, REALLY not a morning person. It's even tough for me to hear one of those morning people effuse "Oh, I like to take it slow in the mornings--get up at five, linger over my coffee, read the paper, vacuum, blah blah blahdee blaah" Oh BARF. Who does that? I mean, people do do that...but I just can't fathom...when blankets are so snuggly to snuggle...what the fuck? Really?? I give myself 15 minutes to get ready for work and not a nanosecond more. That means that I get up 15 minutes before I leave for work. Well to be quite specific, my alarm starts going off 45minutes before departure time, and I groggily slap the snooze button for a 30min. Problematically though,my average shower time ranges from 15-20minutes. I make this nonproblematic by showering at night. Well, usually I do. On the rare weekday a.m.s that I take a shower, this means that I'm either running 15-20 minutes late, or I've actually roused myself a whole 1/2 hour before hustle-out-the-door time. Now in either scenario, you can bet your ass that I am NOT busting out the hair dryer. OK, I'm starting to fear that I'm portraying myself as some drab tomboy slob loser. So at this juncture, I remind you: I'm just going to work. When I go out on the weekends (well, when I periodically do... when I'm in the black) I make up for my day-to-day primping lackadaisicality (SOOO not a word!! is it?). I take, I'd say on average, 2 hours to preen for social excursions.

Well, I have digressed. What I was getting at-- my shower morning S.O.P. is to twist my wet locks into a Turbi Twist and wear that on my ride in to work. And then, after parking, I take off the turban, and hang the thing on my passenger seat headrest to dry. But, as you've surely surmised, I accidentally deviated from protocol the other a.m. I walk across the parking lot, oblivious, waving to a fellow coworker -- "Hi Ann!" favoring her with the winningest smile a pre-coffee me can muster. Walked right inside to the coat rack. The act of shedding my coat must have tipped me off --"Some other item you were supposed to take off, nimrod??" I quickly ripped the thing off and hung it up under my coat. I'm pretty sure Ann's the only one who noticed. She's been having a good laugh about it ALL WEEK.