HBO woes

..or rather lack of HBO woes. I was already lamenting my not having HBO on account o' Flight of the Conchords.

Now this impending new series--TrueBlood--has piqued my interest. Looks good, eh?

I must say, Anna Paquin has turned into somewhat of a bombshell. I am a bit irked that she crossed over unto the blond side (traitor!) and I can't help my kneejerk reaction to that: that Anna has therefore become flooz-ified. I realize that's unfair of me.

Ways I am like Chris Farley..

3 things--

1)Lately I have been very stiff-kneed when I first rise (after sitting for a while) and walk. This is on account of the horrendous sunburn I got at the beach last weekend (otherwise it was a terrif weekend-- too far in the rearview to bother to recap now but...I had a great, great time... and I like things that are great--hey! Good things are fantaaastic...but I parenthetically digress) Anyways, due to my 1/2 assed sunscreen application technique, I got a bitch of a burn. It got me mid back & on the backs of my legs --burned thusly due to a long spell where I was lying on my stomach in my swimsuit--engrossed in I Know This Much is True (since finished) Anyways, while my back & backs of my thighs are healing all right (and I managed to slather some screen on my calves, so those are fine) MY KNEEPITS ARE SCABBY. Disgusting and ouchy and I've no one to blame but my stupido self!!

So my crusty kneepits don't bother me much while I'm sitting for a spell or after I've been walking a while. But they pain me as I sit down, and then they're ouchy for a minute or so when I first start in walking . So I've been walking all jerky and stiffly, and of course I cannot see myself doing it, but I imagine I look a lot like Matt Foley, motivational speaker (the classic van-dweller Chris Farley brought to life on SNL)

2)I am thoroughly unimpressed with my reviewing skills. Whenever I try to write about some movie/TV show / song I'm enthused about, I discover I have nothing substantial to say.. ever. It always amounts to me saying "I HIGHLY recommend blah-blah-blah" and/or "Blahdee-blah-blah is AWESOME" although oftentimes I'll hit the ol' thesaurus and dig up a synonym for "awesome". This makes me feel very ineffectual. And it makes me feel like Chris Farley as host of the Chris Farley Show. 'M-m-member that? Yeah. That was awesome.







3)And the last way I relate to Chris Farley is when I try on a shirt or jacket that's too small for me, it always makes me wanna sing "Faaat guy in a little coooooaat..Faaat guy in a little coooooaat!"

Well, maybe not *always*but at least 80% of the time.




Now, this doesn't really pertain to the post motif, but I've always, always loved this skit and since I'm going all embed-crrrraazy, why the hell not??

Happy 50th you Massive Wackadoo

Today is Michael Jackson's 50th birthday. Uhh, happy birthday, you.


I certainly could not--with any sincerity--serenade the dude with a chorus of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" , as MJ is a pitiable melange of sick and sad that is miiiiles away from "jolly good" And yet, on the other hand, I still am glad the guy oozed outta Momma Jackson on this day 1/2 a century ago. I LOVE MJ's early stuff--anything pre-nineties. Sketchy character or no, there's many an exquisite jam that I am grateful to Michael for. And let's not forget the MOONWALK


In fact, this b-day of his happens to coincide with an MJ kick I've been on. Well, it's really half a kick, to be precise. Lately, I'm only in the mood to hear some Beastie Boys or some Michael Jackson. I have both on my iPod, but it's just my habit to leave the thing shuffling through my whole music library and I'll just skip any songs I can't bear to hear. Therefore, I hadn't been indulging this kick until tonight, when I listened to MJ--at top volume--all the way home. Es muy bueno.



This is all the Michael Jackson on my iPod--



DON'T STOP 'TIL YA GET ENOUGH--That " OOoo!"--great opening. I cannot stop my bum from wiggling when I hear this song. I suppose that makes it " bum-wigglin' good",yes?



ROCK WITH YOU-- raaaad.



BILLIE JEAN-- As much as I dig this song, it mildly perturbs me that all versions of this song's lyrics transcribe that line as "the kid is not my son" When he CLEARLY says "chid". CLEARLY. Why not be faithful to what he actually sings, eh? So what if "chid" isn't an actual, bona fide word??



BEAT IT-- Ok, a "Beat It" memory from the not-too-distant past... I was blasting this out on the deck at the tail end of this year's July 4th party and my sister and I cut the deck lighting and had a lightsabre fight to this song. So I know--from actual firsthand experience--that it's a great song for choreographing your light sabre battles to. I lament the fact that it wasn't out in time to make it into Star Wars or Empire or Jedi. Sure, it coulda been used in one of the later prequels, but I do NOT lament its omission from those, as I don't really care for those flicks. The only reason I ever sat through any of them was to ogle Ewen MacGregor. The fact that he retains his appeal when sporting that space-mullet and ratty bathrobe is quite a testament to his mighty, mighty hotness, methinks. But I have veered off topic. In summation: Beat It is an awesome song, whether being used for choreographed combat or not. A good half of its awesomeness..maybe even 3/4 of its awesomeness I attribute to Eddie VanHalen and that killer guitar accompaniment. Oh, and Laura and I didn't really have light sabers...we were whipping each other with these necklaces--





..opened up for fighting..just like the ones Skeletor here is holding. Looks like he lost his makeshift light saber battle, eh??


THRILLER-- another case of MJ making a KICK ASS guest star choice. The song is overall good, but without a doubt, the reason I wanna hear it every dang October is the wonderful Vincent Price soliloquy at the end. And the maniacal laugh. God love Vincent Price and his crazy-ass cackling!! Have I mentioned previously how much I dig Vinny Price? I feel like I must have, at some point. I know I posted a Microsoft Paint masterpiece with him in it..


I JUST CAN'T STOP LOVING YOU-- Err..actually, I can't say why I put this one on here. I'm not all that keen on it.


BAD-- It's okay. Acceptable to use in choreographed combat if you're burnt out on "Beat It" My fave thing about the tune in how it's peppered with continual "Shamm-moah"s. Like it's some involuntary verbal tic. Makes me think of the incredible Sham-wow space age technology chamois (which any of my sweet readers are welcome to purchase for me)


SMOOTH CRIMINAL-- love this one. I also have the very good Alien Ant Farm remake.


DIRTY DIANA-- that very cool & space-agey opening reminds me a bit of "Beat It" (although this one winds up being too slow paced for glo-necklace fights) Also it's kinda similar to Thriller in that the final verse gets kind of nightmarish. I mean, he's fleeing to the phone, she's wrenching the phone away from him. Something about it is very dramatic. He makes ol' Di seem like a predatory monster and not the mere horny groupie that she is. It seems a bit hypberbolic to me, but possibly MJ really would be that terrified in a situation like that (with a woman)


BLACK OR WHITE--Meehhh. 'Sokay. See comments on "I Just Can't Stop Loving You". Ditto that.

PYT-- EXCELLENT jam. I was astonished that this wasn't on my Greatest Hits CD (where I'd ripped the bulk of this MJ stuff from). Well I guess that's because the one I have is Number Ones and so I presume that somehow PYT didn't quite reach that high in the charts. But that's confounding. There's a lot of MJ's shittier stuff on here--ie: "Man In the Mirror" or eww, friggen' "You Are Not Alone" that snoozer where he's all half-nakey & recreating Maxfield Parrish art in the video with then-wife Lisa Marie. *Shudder* It makes no sense--the tastes of the masses.

Featuring Michael Jackson--

SAY, SAY, SAY-- Excellent. And even though I judge this to be superior to the other McCartney -Jacko collab- "The Girl is Mine" I still kinda wanna get "The Girl is Mine" on the iPod.


I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME--(THIS link is a *must-follow* ) I adore this song. I like how Rockwell isn't all "Colt 45 smooooth" like many of his Jheri-curl contemporaries. (yikesies..was that racist? A smidgen? I think it mighta been...) and was actually a black nerd (like Cameo or Urkel)

STATE OF SHOCK (Jackson 5 w/ Mick Jagger)-- excellent song. The breathy part at the very end has always skeeved me out a little, but aside from that I heartily enjoy this one.

This is the post that never ends...it just goes ON and ON my frieeends..

I'm training this chick at work to do my job. Not to take over my job, necessarily, but just so there will be extra people to cover the front desk if I am n/a. Dottie is always willing to pitch in but she only works part time (8am-1:30pm Mon-Thurs) so her availability is a tad limited. And the schedulers out back are all trained to do it, but they always act so fucking PUT UPON when they sub for me, I hate it. You know I realize that they're busy back there, in fact I concede that they are VERY VERY busy. But you don't have to be a bitch to me, a'ight? Regardless of your hectic schedule, I like to take my 1/2 hour lunch break and enjoy the occasional piss mmm-kay?

Anyways, aforesaid "chick" --Ellie-- is a home health aide who threw her back out and though she is on the mend, she has been relegated to office duty for a few weeks (basically until her doc gives her the green light) So we are finding uses for her in the office. Once she's totally healed, she's not apt to be in the office much for covering my future absences (oh, yeah,she only says about 50x a day how she absolutely CAN NOT WAIT to get back "in the field") but her office duty happened to coincide with a Friday (this Fri, 8/22) where I wanted to get out @ noon and nobody wanted to cover for me (as per usual!! You see how these mid-afternoon job interviews have been a bitch to finagle?? And here I have another tenatively scheduled for 8/29!! AAargh!) So anyways, in the long run, this training is all for naught, but who cares??I am stoked to have my 1/2 day off on Fri, and it's been nice this week to be able to perambulate about the office for a change. Well, it's not that I can't leave my chair at all, but usually I have to stay pretty much in the vicinity of that phone. Within earshot, I should say. And if I am faxing some orders out I have to listen for the phone and be ready to bolt when I hear it. It's not like if I miss a call,it will kick over to someone else's line (that would be sweet!! ) but if I don't get it, it rings and rings and rings and rings until the caller gives up (or keels over! Agh!) And honestly, it's not a sympathy for the patients/callers that drives me to be so damned conscientious. 'Cause when I miss a call (it has happened--on rare occasion) my thought is not "Oh that poor caller!!" I think "Fuck! My ass is grass!" Oddly, I always presume these dropped calls are people for Cathy (Cathy is the area director whom I am not all that fond of...more on that in a bit) and these people (when they at last get through to Cathy) are going to be all "Is there something the matter with your phone system? I called earlier and it rang and rang and rang and NO ONE ANSWERED." with their voices all tinged with this fake concern but their essential message is really"Get your employees in line, for fuck's sake"

Okay a tangent about Cathy (before I meander back towards my point). I have 2 bosses: Cathy & Shawna. Shawna is --no question about it-- a cool shit. She interviewed & chose to hire me (and I gave such a lousy interview too--had strep that day. So perhaps I feel somewhat indebted to her, too??) and she's very down-to-earth and nice. Cathy..well, I wanted to like Cathy because she's technically friendly to me and I have an intrinsic yen to give peoples the benny of the doubt whenever possible. But for some elusive reason, I just can't quite bring myself to give C the "seal of approval". Even though she says things that are friendly-like, there is ever-present something very cold-fishesque in her demeanor. I think she may be a Replicant.

I did realize today why it rankles me to have Cathy tell me to do something or to tell me how I should do something. Well, you'd think it was the fact that she is a representative of "The Man" and I happen to have a strong anti-TheMan streak embedded in me. But that is NOT it. When Shawna instructs me on something, I don't mind it in the least. In fact, I am such a total peon & universal lackey that everybody's always telling me to do something...and I take it all in stride, mostly. But when Cathy tells me what to do or how she'd like me to do something.. she WINCES. And it's not an "I'm uncomfortable about being authoritative" sort of wince. Oh no. It's like a facial "Comprende?" A nonverbal "Are you getting this?" It's really patronizing. And really, it's gotta be really patronizing for me to find it patronizing. I'm someone who never knows when I'm being patronized. For instance, back in my TDC days when we were miffed by some mandate that came down from on high, I'd just be doing some generalized grumbling (y'know, along the lines of "Aw, SCREW THE MAN, maaan!") but Lisa would always be all righteous indignation and say "Hmph! That is so patronizing!!" To which I'd invariably respond "Patronizing? Huh? Really??"

Anyways, back to Ellie. She's a nice lady. Not terribly bright, but I bet she's excellent at her job (her usual job I mean) because she's very kind-hearted. She seems to be terrified of the computer. So, thus far, I've totally avoided training her on any of the tasks I do on the computer (there are quite a lot) because it's been a big enough struggle just to get her comfortable on the phones (I did notice her chill-laxing somewhat today though) I didn't want to even get into the data entry and scheduling stuff I do because she doesn't even seem to have the basic PC skills foundation to start with, and it's not as if she's going to be doing this months down the road. Ultimately her office stint is going to be short-lived, and so I think it'll be fine to train her half-assedly. I guess I just mean to point out that I'm being deliberately and strategically half-assed about this and not just naturally half assed.
Anyways because I've had Ellie on the phone lately, I've been able to walk around the office, with no need to come running out of the kitchen midway thru making a cup o' joe (due to the phone ringing) and stuff like that.

And so...I was able today to permit myself the luxury of a workplace bowel movement. I pretty much am an "out of the closet pooper" (check out this must read glossary ) although this bathroom at the new gig is certainly more of a test of my excretory bravado (2 single seater bathrooms in the whole office vs. my last workplace that had 5 or more multi-stall BRs) Anyways, I didn't just perpetrate any average #2 today.. I had TORRENTIAL MUDBUTT. I couldn't even tell you why -- I had this utterly terrible veggie lasagna for lunch (picked it up @ Brownsville General Store yesterday-presumed it had to be good on account of said store making such delish sammis). But I only had like 3 bites of that (due to its grodiness). Ultimately, my lunch was a Hershey bar and a can of Coke. Hersheys don't usually give me the Hershey squirts. Well, nevertheless, I exited the bathroom marvelling to myself that my pants actually fit looser.

A few moments later, I heard somebody walking past the cubicle row behind me say "Uugh the bathroom STINKS!!" For a fleeting moment, I was pretty embarrassed. But then I sez to meself"Ehh, fuck it. Everybody poops!" A pretty inspired and mightily convincing argument, I must say, and I totally talked myself out of being embarrassed. But I also briefly had this impulse (an impulse I did *NOT* act on. I repeat , I did NOT do this!) to just maliciously try and make things awkward for that person via hollering out a full confession-- "Oh Gaaawd YES. I just had HORRIBLE DIARRHEA." You would have to say "diarrhea" and eschew any cutesy euphemisms if you really wanted to make the person really feel bad. You see, you can't come off like you're being at all flippant, you have to seem seriously tormented by your rascally bowels, and seem maybe like you have an awful medical condition. OK, so perhaps I entertained this notion longer than just "briefly". But let me re-reiterate: I did NOT actually do that.

Many other things happened between 8am & 4:30pm today but none were as interesting as my poop.

After work, I met up with Heather for dinner. I had told Dad I was coming to help with the basement cleaning again, but still , 'twas I who suggested dinner out to H. I called him beforehand to let him know I'd be delayed and why. He didn't outright say he was peeved, but I could tell. He said "OK, just try and be here before dark. I want to be able to see when I work on your car" (See, aside from me working in the basement, tonight he was going to look over my car--add oil, check tires etc. & just be sure it was copacetic for the long-ish trek to MA this weekend) But it wasn't so much that comment that tipped me off, it was that exaggerated nasal breathing he does when he's vexed. That's his tell. So maybe I sorta half renegged on what I promised, but I'm not sorry and I don't even care that he was miffed! Because I feel like I'm always on call for the 'rents. My social life is really not as hoppin' as it should be for someone my age. I don't blame that on them...it's my fault and no one else's. But really, if I get an opportunity to commiserate w/ friends, I feel I need to make time for that--if I want my sorry sitch to change at all. Besides, it's not as if I totally left 'em high & dry--I compromised.

I ordered a ribs & steak combo at Chili's and it was decent. Ah well, the steak was nothin' to blog about, but the ribs were delish. I got the Brown Sugar Chili Rub kind. It's too bad that I get ribs so often at Chili's that I know which style is my fave. I'm not usually the type of person that has a "regular" order at any eatery...in fact, just the opposite, I generally go to great pains to always order something different than I got the last time. So I dunno what's with me--but the last 3 times I've gone to Chili's for dinner I've gotten ribs. It's gotta stop. It's not that the ribs aren't good. Therein lies the prob. Y'see there's never a doggy bag for the next day's lunch when I get ribs. Doesn't even matter if I'm full from the apps, I always finish my ribs. It's like some matter of principal with me? Perhaps not..it's not as if I think about it.. it's just that I so dig 'em that when I get them I go all "rib-mad" and lose all sense of portion control. It's something akin to when I attack a pint o' Ben &Jerry's-- don't stop until ya hit cardboard, baby! (incidentally, that is why I think those wee, 3.6 oz cups of Ben & Jerry's are so effing INGENIOUS)

Then Heather got me to go to Best Buy because she wanted to salivate over the laptops. Since I happen to be dreaming of a spiffy new laptop myself, it didn't take much coercion to get me to go & co-salivate. Some stuff about Best Buy: they remodeled our local store and I had been there once since the remodel, it's been some time since that visit and so I kinda forgot the remodel. They have these big circular banners suspended from the ceiling indicating what merchandise is where, ie: over in the northwest corner of the store are refrigerators and stoves, so above these hangs a blue banner proclaiming "Kitchen appliances". That was purely an illustrative example there, I can't rightly recall if the banner says "Kitchen Appliances" or the more specific " Refrigerators & Stoves" and I don't remember in what region of the store these things are in (even though I was there just a few hours ago) But I noted how the Best Buy folks put on all these banners the Espanol translation just under the English. Because Spanish people would never surmise what sort of product was under the "mp3 & iPod" banner if that banner didn't also read "mp3 y iPod". Ha..I'm just jesting. I have no problem with stores catering to shoppers of any nationality. Although, y'know, I know quite a bit of Espanol and it would be a nice change of pace to be able to pick up a bit of conversational Dutch while out shopping. Don't you think so, eh?? Really, I was just wishing that Best Buy would put that kind of attention to detail into their bathrooms. I visited their new & improved Ladies' Room (minor mudbutt relapse) where NONE of the stalls had locks on them. Well I don't need to tell you that that could lead to a dreaded turd burglar situation, and those are most unsettling. (Please re-access the glossary if you are at all perplexed) Luckily, no such nightmare transpired.

So at Best Buy I went a li'l hog wild spending after Heather left me. Oh noo, I didn't get a laptop. It was more of a "small-ticket item" spree. I bought an Entertainment Weekly, and also an InStyle. I have repeatedly admitted that InStyle magazine is nothing but a thick stack of ads and have sworn off buying it...and repeatedly broken my own boycott vows. This time I was lured in by the cover's exclamation: "What's YOUR Fashion Style? Take Our Quiz!" To which I replied "Heeeey, this reminds me: I ADORE MAGAZINE QUIZZES! Yes please and merci beaucoup!" Do they make a magazine that is just cover-to-cover quizzes? I don't think there is such a 'zine. There sure as hell ought to be!!

Also I bought the DVD "Summer Magic" for my nieces. Yes it IS for my nieces! (Even though I do like that Hayley Mills) It's a "just-because gift" for 'em. So probably I shoulda bought a "just-because" gift for Seth, but I didn't. The sooner them young 'uns learn that life just AIN'T fair the better...that's what I say. Oh FINE. Alright, I'll say that "Summer Magic" is for all 4 of them. I'm fairly certain Seth will hate it though.

And I bought "Batman: the movie" Not the Michael Keaton/Val Kilmer/George Clooney OR Christian Bale one. I got my very fave-- the spectacularly cheezy '66 flick w/ Adam West & Burt Ward (which you'd know by now if you'd tapped that link....JILL) Yep it's for me, not the kids. I used to have it but it got busted.

As I was checking out, I had this sudden burst of loquaciousness and I started blathering on to the Best Buy cashier about how the original Batman series would be excellent to own on DVD and there must be some sort of studio legal battle over it or else it woulda certainly been released by now. Now this is the dweeby Best Buy clerk who is constantly chatting people up and is just waaaay excessively friendly and normally I will bypass an aisle if I see him in it just avoid him asking me if he can help me find anything and potentially parlaying that into a 5 min one-sided convo. And all the time I am doing this blathering, my inner Sandra is saying "What THE HELL are you doing? I sure hope he doesn't think I'm flirting with him. I sure hope nobody in line thinks I'm flirting with him..." Tres snobby, right? I dunno, I'm the one all jazzed up about BATMAN, so it's possible I'm the bigger dweeb here. Maybe we're MFEO, us 2. I fucking hope not. Doesn't really matter, because I'm waaay too much of an uppity bitch to ever explore that scenario...

Drove through Plainfield on my way home after Best Buy. I know I've kvetched before (recently, actually) about what an exercise in tedium that is. (yep, was recent. it was just last week) I was complaining about it to Dottie and she didn't quite get why I was so vexed. She thinks it's me being impatient. "It's not a very big town" she sez"Are you some kinda leadfoot" I'm not! Not in the slightest! My average pace is: the speed limit--5mph over. Practically a geriatric driver, no? (sans that tendency to plow into busy farmer's markets ) But even though I often drive the speed limit, I have a tough time sticking to Plainfield's 30mph speed limit. And I'm not merely irked that they have this speed limit, but they're super anal about it too! They're always po-po lurking at the edge of town, waiting to ambush you. They have newly set up one of those digital "Your Speed Is:" signs that broadcasts your speed as you approach it. (Gary Gulman had a pretty funny bit about those signs, if I recall correctly) And this is the worst bit, I think-- when you drive into Plainfield the welcome sign says "WELCOME TO PLAINFIELD. PLEASE DRIVE SLOWLY." No " Enjoy your stay?" No "Thanks for stoppin' by, folks?" I think they're giving off a very shitty 1st impression. Hey, welcome to our town, a collective of naggy old farts. I can't decide if the majority of Plainfield's populace is naggy old farts or if it's families w/ young children who are particularly prone to darting unexpectedly into traffic. Seriously, the way they obsess over speed--well first off, it doesn't jive all that well with New Hampshire's very sexy "Live Free Or Die" credo--but also it makes it seem like they're reacting to some horrific rash of vehicular manslaughter or something. But I don't think anything like that ever went down there. It's redunkulous.

During this drive, Sinatra was crooning "Strangers in the Night" courtesy of my iPod. "Strangers.." is really not a fave of mine (out of Sinatra's songs) and I suspect the whole reason I imported that onto my pod was because of that part where Frankie breaks out w/ the "Doobie Doobie Dooo" I was disappointed tonight, to listen to the "Strangers in the Night" version that I've got (hadn't played that one in some time) and realize that Sinatra only "Doobie Doobie Doos" 1.5 times in my version. I swear I've heard him do that song and he draws that part out a bit. It sort of reminds me of my discontent with 50Cents's masterwork "In Da Club", how I love that song but find it would be sooo much better with an extra refrain of "Go shawty, ish yo birfday" thrown in. Is it weird for me to mention 50 Cent & Sinatra in the same paragraph? Hmm, y'know, on further reflection, I think IT IS NOT, because both gents are/were *extreme* bad asses what with their mafia ties (Frank) and 3, 4 dozen bullet wounds ($0.50) and all that. Perhaps if Frankie had lived on into the 21st century & had cranked out another "Duets" album, perhaps Fiddy would've been on there.

I like that "Dooby dooby doo" for its own merits, but also it triggers a late 90s memory for me. Remember those bizarro Bud Ice commercials with the penguins? I found 'em fairly amusing (and VERY odd) but I remember 'em fondly because I remember how my college amiga Pam used to just LOVE those commercials and she would do imitations of that psycho penguin...

diversions

This site is pretty cool. I think I've seen it before( the "classic edition" anyhow) but I haven't visited in quite sometime and they've upgraded lots.

Speaking of diversions, it's been forevah since I've played MASH on PlayMash.com. I might play a round or 2 before I shut the 'puter down. (if that site is even still operational)

UGH.

My father has decided we need to do a thorough hoe-out of the basement. I certainly agree this is warranted and yet I don't want to help out. I am willing to go in and do the work solo, or ideally, alongside Laura. I have gone so far as to appeal to him that I'd like to work in solitude, just explaining vaguely that I just happen to work better alone. What I can't stand (but can't bring myself to tell him) is how he continually runs his big yapper. If he could keep his dialogue 100% factual and nix the editorializing, than he just might be tolerable to work with. He says he wants to clean out, yet he has to make this big to do when you tell him that Box X is all stuff to junk. "This? You want to throw out this? Why, I bet it was never even worn" Oh, a specific gem from tonight-- "You sure you don't want this Hard Rock Cafe shirt? Boy, that's a nice one. 'Genuine Hard Rock Cafe Apparel'. Bet that cost some. Was that your Hard Rock Cafe shirt? That's a nice one. 'Genuine Hard Rock Cafe Apparel' .." No, I'm not repeating myself... I'm authentically transcribing his ramblings. He must have read that tag 3 or 4 times and said the phrase "Hard Rock Cafe" 100 times. Except he was pronouncing it "Cuff-FAY" which really rankled me. But I was pretty repetitive myself, I confess. I was all: "Nope" "No thanks" "NOIDON'TWANT IT" "I don't want that ugly shirt. I hate it. NOTHANKYOU"

Oooh, I should take it easy on mi padre. He's an old feller and I should cut him some slack. But to cut myself some slack...I think one would have to be superhuman not to be irked by him. Empirically, he just IS irksome. And I manage to suppress like, 95% of my irritation...

End of Summer Reading List

I know one is supposed to compile a books-to-

read list at the start of the summer (in anticipation for all the languid beach days to come) but I've just come up with one. It's just as well I create the list now, I suppose, we haven't had all that much beach weather this summer anyways. Although, I am hoping we'll have some sunny days this weekend when Rox & I go down to the beach in Narragansett.

But it was not my impending beach weekend that compelled me to whip up this list. Rather, all these titles are culled from 501 Must Read Books, which I own (courtesy of the Borders Bargain Books section) and was flipping through and thought, "Hmm, I wonder how many of these 501 I really am SERIOUSLY interested in reading??"

And so this list came to be. And since, I can't just be clear and black& white about things, I had to subclassify into "must reads" and "MUST must reads". Can't ever be simple, you know.

And why am I jotting them down here? Well, partly so I won't lose the list (after taking the trouble to pore over that whole book and compile this) but mostly so's I have a post to proffer. I have been very shabbily delinquent these days...

MUST READ BOOKS (*denotes a MUST MUST)

--CHILDREN'S BOOKS--
1.The Wonderful Wizard of Oz/ L Frank Baum

*2.The Last Unicorn/ Peter Beagle *

3. The Wind in the Willows / Kenneth Grahame

4.Emil & the Detectives /Erich Kastner

5.The Complete Nonsense Books /Edward Lear

*6.Nobody's Boy /Hector Malot*

*7.Five Children & It /E. Nesbit*

*8.The War of the Buttons /Louis Pergoud*

9.The Little Prince /Antoine De SaintExupery

10.Mary Poppins / PL Travers

--CLASSIC FICTION --

*11.Lady Audley's Secret /Mary Elizabeth Braddon*

*12.The Man Who Was Thursday /GK Chesterton*

13.The Moonstone /Wilkie Collins

14.Heart of Darkness /Joseph Conrad

15.Crime & Punishment /Dostoyevsky

16. Madame Bovary /Flaubert

17.Jude the Obscure /Thomas Hardy

*18.Three Men in a Boat /Jerome K. Jerome*

*19.Bliss (& other stories / Katherine Mansfield*

20. A Sicilian Romance /Anne Radcliffe

21. Dracula /Bram Stoker

22. Frankenstein / Mary Shelley

23. The Picture of Dorian Gray /Oscar Wilde

--HISTORY--

24.Flesh in the Age of Reason/ Roy Porter

--MEMOIRS--

25.Aubrey's Brief Lives / John Aubrey

*26.My Left Foot /Christy Brown*

*27.84 Charing Cross Rd /Helene Hanff*

*28.The Pursuit of Love /Nancy Mitford*

--MODERN FICTION--

*29.Take a Girl Like You/ Kingsley Amis*

30.If on a Winter's Night a Traveller /Italo Calvino

*31.The Sound and the Fury /William Faulkner*

*32.Ulysses/ James Joyce*

33.The Executioner's Song /Norman Mailer

*34. Embers/ Sandor Marai*

35.The Third Policeman /Flann O'Brien

36. Gormenghast /Mervyn Peake

37. The Human Stain /Philip Roth

*38.Bonjour Tristesse /Francoise Sagan*

39. Last Exit to Brooklyn /Hubert Selby

40.The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie /Muriel Sparks

41. Sophie's Choice /William Styron

42. Felicia's Journey /William Trevor

43. The Accidental Tourist /Anne Tyler

*44. Couples /John Updike*

45.The Group /Mary McCarthy

--SCI-FI--

46.The Stepford Wives /Ira Levin

*47.1984 /George Orwell*

48. The Island of Dr Moreau /HG Wells

49. The Day of the Triffids /John Wyndham

--THRILLERS--

*50. Thus Adonis Was Murdered /Sarah Caudwell*

*51.The Moving Toyshop /Edmund Crispin*

52.Rose at Ten /Marco Denevi

*53.Death in the wrong Room /Anthony Gilbert*

54.Suicide Excepted /Cyril Hare

*55.Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow /Peter Hoeg*

*56. How Like an Angel /Margaret Millar*

57.The Man Who Killed Himself /Julian Symon

*58.The Bride Wore Black/ Cornell Woolrich*

--TRAVEL--

59. A Rose for Winter /Laurie Lee

*60. Cruise of the Snark /Jack London*

*61.Into the Heart of Borneo /Ray O'Hanlon*

*62. Travels with Charley: In Search of America /John Steinbeck*

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anybody want to start a book club?? I've got about 700 more pages to go on Wally Lamb's I Know This Much is True and then I'll commence on any book you say, eh??

(farm) STAND in the place where you liiive...

Stopped at a farm stand the other day and found that it was totally unmanned. There were produce prices on a dry erase board, a tied up dog, a cat snoozing in a cardboard box lid, a moneybox with a smattering of change in it, but not a person in sight. Now I paid the sign-decreed price for my corn, I assure you. But I fear there are some around that are not quite so ethical as I. See, the "honor system" appeals to the idealist part of me. And yet, the cynic in me thinks it may be folly to run your business that-away.

In related news, the idealist in me just LOVES peanut butter, while my inner cynic craves chocolate all the time. That is why when I eat a Reese's Peanut Butter cup, I feel the gratification all over my entire soul. But I suppose I've wandered off topic a bit...

Beware of Shamwow imposters!!

This bit of cautionary advice was delivered SOO damn emphatically in this infomercial I watched from last night that it made me think that an imposter Shamwow is not only inferior product (thus just being merely disappointing) but that possibly a faux Shamwow would actually be DETRIMENTAL TO ONE'S HEALTH & WELL BEING.

Yep, I could not sleep last night and wound up watching the Shamwow! infomercial at 4am. That guy that does the infomercial sure was somethin' ...an infomercial personality without equal, I daresay. He sez, "It's made in Germany and YOU KNOW Germans make good stuff". That bit particularly amused me. He wore a head set as he talked (y'know, a Britney Spears in concert/ working the drive thru sort of set) as if there was this unspoken tease: call right now to order your Shamwow and *I* just might answer your call. It was all I could do to restrain myself.

Seriously though, I want one of them Shamwows. If it works as promised, that thing could substantially improve the quality of my life , I think.

Stuff about Today--addendum

Confession: I am very pleased with myself for using the phrases "Be that as it may" and "It does not signify" (even if the latter is so outdated as to be nonsensical nowadays...I think it has a nice JaneAusteny flavor to it)

Stuff about Today

Not an extraordinary day in Sannypantsville, but I'm going to review it in EXCRUCRIATING detail just the same. Not in order to be sadistic!! It's just that it's been such a posting draught these days, I feel I need to "prime the pump" so to speak. Ooh GOLLY that sounded somewhat naughty. I assure you, I did not mean it in a naughty way.

Everyday in my daily announcements & roll call email I try to include something funny / interesting. I manage this about 3 outta 5 days (not the daily email , it's just the funny/interesting bit that I don't always accomplish) because some days I'm just too swamped/frazzled/in a hurry (or all of the above) to scrounge anything up. So far this week I'm doing well. Yesterday I informed one & all that on Aug11 1992, the ginormous Mall of America opened up in Bloomington, MN. (I added: "So celebrate by making a thoroughly frivolous purchase today--I know I will!!") And I provided a link to the Mall of America website. Consequently, I was pretty hung up on that site yesterday a.m. It's FAB. It's like shopping the Mall of America without all the debt and bothersome walking. Nooo, no, it's not THAT good, I'd still fancy a trip to MN just to hit up this legend. But the site is pretty rad. You can look at the restaurants / storefronts. I was most interested in looking at the eateries. Good food is --of course--crucial when I dine out, but I'm also keen to find a place with the right atmosphere. Tucci Benuch sounds good (they need to post some better photos though) & The Bubba Gump Shrimp co. looks neat. Those are 2 standouts from the restaurants I did check out, but I didn't look at 'em all (I was AT WORK, for Pete's Dragon's sake!!)
Oh, and you linkaphobic link-skippahs (you knows who you are) don't know what you're missing!! You shall never experience thrills of virtual-vicarious shopping like this anywhere else!!

I thought it was odd, that with all the many & varied amenities that the MOA has to offer, they don't have an attached hotel. They don't appear to anyhow. Oh, I know there are probably beaucoup hotels in the neighborhood, but still, how handy would it be to have your hotel within or attached to the MOA?? Shop for a few hours, go back to your room and take a nap, shop for several more hours, go back to your room for a smaller siesta and a shower to wash the shopping stink off ya, then dinner at Bubba Gumps!! Sweet right? I don't understand why they'd just rely on area hotels for their shoppers and not have one of their own...did they think it would be too much? Not f-ing likely--this is a mall with AN AMUSEMENT PARK in the middle of it.

Today's nugget of interest was that Aug 12th is commonly known in England as "The Glorious Twelfth" thus called because it is the first day of the season for hunting ptarmigan & red grouse. ("It's a bad day to be a ptarmigan, folks.." I proclaimed) From what I've read , grouse is more popular game. But I am just fixated on the ptarmigan aspect of the thing, you know. Obviously because of the great comic potential the word "ptarmigan" innately holds. I know how to properly say it , and yet I am strongly compelled to pronounce that silent p.

In a quasi-related story, I saw some partridges this weekend at my folk's house. Alas, I was unarmed or else I coulda supped on wild game. Hmm well..I suppose I could have judo-chopped them to death...

This girl Eileen that I work with confided to me that she had a miserable weekend because her bf of 4yrs dumped her. I spoke some words of encouragement, but inwardly this made me rather glum as this was the first I'd heard of her b.f. and,well, to put it bluntly, if a dweeb like Eileen can have a boyfriend for 4years then well, oh god there has to be some sort of curse that an angry fairy put on me when I was a baby!! There is just NO other sensible explanation!!

That kind of reaction--my assessing someone else's sad situation and instantly taking an "Ok, well now how does this relate to ME??" approach--well it just goes to show you that Eileen probably should not be confiding in me. Oh that and the fact that I'm writing about her private shit on my blog. Y'know, in lieu of having my own private shit to broadcast.

This afternoon this really nice coworker of mine (I know, I know they're ALL so g-d nice..) Denise brought in an old copy of "The Rules" for Eileen that she'd picked up for her at a 2nd hand bookstore. We were congregated around my desk laughing about it. I was particularly amused by some book jacket hype that promised that "The Rules will help you to become 'a creature like no other'" Hmm. Is that what I need?? GODZILLA was a creature like no other....

The rest of the workday was pretty uneventful. After work I went to The Dollar Tree --I bought candy for my desk at work. ( I'll suck up a bit... but not in excess of $1 per bag worth of sucking up ) My candy choices: Ferrara Pan Assorted Fruit Sours (Lemonheads, Grapeheads, etc) Bit O' Honeys, & some kinda mini lollipops (brand name/ maker escapes me right now). I went to Borders and resisted buying 2 novels (which I felt I HAD TO on account of a Buy 1 get the 2nd 1/2 Price *on select titles sale they had goin' on). I always consider book purchases exempt from being coded as "Naughty Spending" because the mental/intellectual gain to be had by reading trumps any financial frivolity I may be guilty of. But this afternoon I was thinking this was a bit of a cop-out and thinking that perhaps I should start patronizing a library (considered this right there in Borders--can you believe the SACRILIGE??) Still, I ended up buying Schott's Almanac (justified it as a "for work" buy...for use in my daily emails) and a sheet of that fancy Paperchase brand wrapping paper (SOOO not a good value) for to wrap up my Aunt 'Rainey's b-day goods. And after that, I went to Price Chopper. I had this sudden sensation, this neat feeling of having all my shit together...but it was on a very microcosmic scope, as this was just on account of my finally having a Price Chopper card & my remembering to fetch my reusable grocery sack from my car..y'see I have had 2 bags (not canvas ones...think they're some vinyl weave or something..got 'em originally at Price Chopper actually) tucked into my behind-the-driver's-seat pocket for months , intending to use them everytime I hit the grocery store--in an effort to be greener. Anways this was the very first time I remembered to use them. As for the card thing...I know I have railed in the past about how wicked grocery stores are in how they try to force you to have their card...but yeah, I now have a Price Chopper card of my own...although I didn't get it thru any machinations of my own. My Dad had always had one but I think it musta gone through the wash one too many times because the thing more or less disintegrated. So for years, they were looking it up from his license. But the last time he went to PC, the cashier was not having it. Sick of typing in license #s I suppose...anyways, she insisted on filling out a replacement app. for him and gave him replacements on the spot. Yep, that's plural : replacements. They gave him 2 wallet cards and 2 mini key ring tag style cards. Perhaps they looked at him and presumed he was a guy that lost stuff all the time. And they would be CORRECTAMUNDO in that presumption. Be that as it may, Dad told me he didn't require that many Price Chopper cards and I could take me one. I like the ones that go on your keys.

So it seems like my not having a Price Chopper card for so many years had LOTS to do with my innate tendency to procrastinate, and maybe only a little to do with the principle of the thing. Because when there was a card up for grabs...I didn't hesitate to grab it. But for the record..I still think they're bullshit.

Anyways, I had felt this happy surge of having my shit together style contentedness. Though I reflected that if I really had ALL my shit together for a prolonged period of time ...I probably couldn't bear it. It would be too much of a good thing. The emotional equivalent of staring at the sun.

I bought at Price Chopper: 2 fillets of tillapia, a bag of little potatoes of varying hues, a small tub of Reduced Fat Philadelphia cream cheese, 1 onion bagel, a bag of brussels sprouts, 1 bulb of garlic. There were, amongst my purchases, no savings exclusive to AdvantEdge card members. It does not signify. I had it at the ready, and that is what counts.

I took 12A through Plainfield on the way back. Has anyone else out there driven through Plainfield, NH?? Holla, dawgs! It is really, really, really, seriously, awfully excruciating. Like, more so than the present post, even. You come down off this hill, then it's a straight shot through this sleepy little town with NOTHING IN IT. Nary a stoplight. And the speed limit is 30mph. And for some reason, it feels slower than when I'm going 25mph through Windsor ...I guess because I can see the point to that..there's traffic, and traffic lights, pedestrians, etc. It's really hard for me to maintain 30mph in Plainfield...I actually set my cruise control. And it feels like my car is just going to putt-putt-putt to a stop and commence snoozing. And then, when I reach that 40mph speed limit sign at the edge of town, I get all inordinately euphoric ("Oh FRABJOUS DAY!! Callooo! Callay!!") And I zipped away rocking out to Neil Diamond's "Solitary Man", a gem in the Diamond catalog (haa! SO punny!) that does not get its due, I feel.

Another song I heard on the road this evening was "Ebony & Ivory". That's a great sing along song...though I was a little sheepish when I pulled into the road and was in the middle of a full, fervent belt-out of said song and there was this couple walking their dog and looking at me like I was a grade-A wackadoo. I turned down the volume (on me & the stereo) quite a bit. There are some songs you feel cool about blasting as you cruise around town, and others ehh...not so much.
But still I love "Ebony & Ivory" . Aside, from its excellent singalongability properties, I also like that it makes me think of black & white cookies and Joe Piscopo. Black & white cookies are not only delicious (but don't get them at Shaw's ...my local Shaws makes lousy b&w cookies...and that's probably the same with all Shaws bakeries, the whole chain-wide) but they also pack a very wise message about racial harmony that you don't see in most baked goods. As for the Joe Piscopo connection, I am thinking specifically of THIS...(the best thing the guy has ever done..embedded below is 3.5 minutes that encapsule the very pinnacle of Piscopo's career)

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

more LCS ranting...

I am mighty disappointed with the denoument of LCS. It was horrifically, grievously, grossly, chronically unjust and unfair. However, methinks I ought not gripe about it since I didn’t bother to vote. And yet…and yet… I am so perturbed I can’t suppress my gripes!!

Iliza Schlesinger won. I’m used to my fave comic never winning (as that has been the pattern over LCS’s 6 season run) but this marks the first season that I’ve really HATED the pick for LCS victor. Wellll, I did think Dat Phan was seriously lame, but I only ½ watched season 1 and wasn’t really invested in LCS yet.

Bellamy was very quick to proclaim (after the announcement of the winner) “Our first female winner!!” Whoop-de-f*cking-dooo. It bugs me that after all the stellar female comics to take the LCS stage—this is the one that triumphs. It’s NOT who I want representing our gender!! She’s such a lowbrow fratgirl—I can’t stand her.

It is some consolation to me that another unwavering trend in LCS history thus far is that the LCS winner does NOT (contrary to what one might expect) go on to greater fame. Every season, the winner wins varying amounts of loot and a “development deal” with NBC, and then you never see them again (or you rarely see them anyhow). It really seems like there might be a fine-print clause in said development deal stating that if the comics project moves from "development" to "production" status, that is grounds for instant revocation of the deal. So, hurrah for you, Schlesinger...go ahead and fade back into obscurity now, per favor...

tomorrow is 8/8/8

8 is a very positive number in both numerology (means "power") & Chinese superstition (means "wealth"). It's also a good number to decide on when considering how many maids you need to have a-milking.

And it evokes memories of this swell fellah...

No time for post Dr Jones!

Y'know why I don't have time for a proper post? Because I'm all smitten with myself!! It's disgusting, really. I got online, and I'm like "I gotsta post. When did I post last?" That made me go directly to my blog (rather than logging on to Blogger...which could've given me the same info, but, whatev.) And then once I was on there, the question "Whatever did I write about Aug 5th of last year I wonder?" popped arbitrarily into my noggin. So I checked...and kept reading. Have been reading my own nutjob ramblings for over an hour now. It's just too durn late to compose anything substantial now!!

So you get...ONE THING about today. I walked to Shaw's and got a salad for lunch. As I walked, was listening to Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" on my iPod (a tune which I realize is probably derivative and surely not that innovative, but nevertheless, I enjoy it immensely) The Shaw's salad bar is lousy. That I gave it YET *ANOTHER* chance is just indicative to my unwavering optimism. I love hard boiled eggs , I'm always pleased to see them included on a salad bar and it's like one o' the first things I go for... HOW does Shaw's manage to serve up yucky hard boiled eggs, I wanna know?? How do you even make them yucky? Do they boil them in piss? OK, so that seems fairly unlikely, but I really am stumped on how one can so heinously botch hard boiling an egg. Their lettuce is always too watery. They need to invest in a g-d salad spinner. And then I thought I'd eschew the salad bar's abysmal dressing selections and head o'er to the dressing aisle, pick up a bottle I can stock in the communal fridge @ work... Shaw's has a fabulous array of salad dressing.. I am absolutely sincere when I say that.. dressings take up 1/2 of aisle 3 --they have a mega-buttload. And yet today the wondrous cornucopia was just wasted on me as I opted to buy Kraft Lite Ranch dressing. I wanted to be GOOD, y'know? But friggen hell, you might as well drizzle tap water on your salad--UGHH.