Ditat Deus---the pissed off epilogue

OK, homeskillets, if you were paying verrrrry close attention to my prev. post, you will notice that there was no video of Sedona nor was there any video of the Grand Canyon. That's because Blogger is a shitty piece of shit. After eons and f-ing EONS of looking at---

and numerous encounters with---

I GIVE UP!! GRRRR!!!

Well anyway, I'm sorry Blogger is so bloody aggravating and uncooperative and that it's making me be bitchy to you. Here we have a complimentary picture of me and some cacti. Hope you ENJOY IT!!

Ditat Deus*

I don't particularly feel like rehashing my AZ trip, but I feel like I oughtta. That makes it sound like it wasn't a good time, my not wanting to "rehash it", but that is SOOO not the case. Despite the heinous sunburn I took home with me (hey, at least my skin-molting forehead gave me something to do on the plane ride home) I had a terrific time. It's just that, I'm not one to usually have such adventures, and so the trip was a hot convo topic, even before I left and even more so since my return home, just feels like I've been talking and talking about it... A LOT.

However, I did make mention of it on my last post, so I feel like it would be a good way to recommence blogging...sorta "picking up where I left off" y'know? Also I feel like it's incumbent upon me to blog about actual happenings when I actually have something happen rather than just natter on about whatever inconsequentia flickers thru my head ..although...check the top left o' the page..that's kinda the promised premise here)

Well, I was gonna take the shortcut of posting here all the pics I put in my FB album--complete with the verbose captions I gave 'em (a bit of a phot0-essay, it woulda been) But I soon realized that that is not much of a shortcut--- there are 54 pics in the album...and I find that Blogger is a BITCH for uploading photos. Has that been y'all's experience too, or am I just unfair/impatient/nitwitted?? Of course I could have chosen the highlights out of the 54, but that would entail reviewing and evaluating and sorting and...unnnnh..NOT a shortcut either. As you might have surmised by now, a written recap of the adventure is also too cumbersome an undertaking. I know, I know, blatant and acute laziness is an inauspicious blogging recommencement. (Parenthetical mini-tangent: I've always felt like the word "auspicious" had a negative sounding ring to it...even when I DO know it means quite the opposite. I do use the word, but it dogs me as a slightly defective word. Oh!! and even more so with "annex" -that one really sounds like it means the opposite of what it does mean. And I used the word "nascent" tonight, and looked it up on m-w.com because I was uncertain about the spelling. Come to find out, I was not only wrong about the spelling, I've been wrong all along about my pronunciation of it too---which I hadn't even questioned. I was thinking it was "nay-scent" but it would seem the proper way to say it is "naaa -scent" --the a sound like that of "nap"--Look, I dunno how to type fancy pronunciation letters--schwa vowels and whatnot, so just lay off OK?? Anyway, I still feel like my pronunciation is righter.)

I hope my audio-visual offerings compensate for my letting my laziness deter me from telling you ALLLL about my great trip (and also for my unchecked word-nerdy nattering a moment ago) Here are the vid montages I put together of the Grand Canyon & Sedona --two of the most beautiful bits of AZ (though I was really taken by Bisbee, AZ too, and eally recommend swinging by that berg)

* I was gonna name this post with the AZ state nickname but feel like "The Grand Canyon State" is just waaay too obvious a nickname to impress. However I am a sucker for a state motto in Latin (South Carolina's is especially marvy) hence the "Ditat Deus"

Epic Hodge Podge

I have an ongoing quest for the perfect pair of aviator style shades. It's tricky to find just the right shape. No, it's really, REALLY tricky--don't you belittle my tribulations!! Anyway, I have a silver pair and a gold pair, but those are pairs I've just settled for. But, y'know, even with less-than-optimum aviators, the vibe you convey is authoritative cool , a la "Do you know how fast you were going sir/ma'am??" Oh, and this cool-effect is compounded when you wear aviators with the mirrored lenses. Yeah, look at yourself lookin' at myself. See you gape at my authoritative cool.

But I wonder...what sort of weird hybrid persona are you putting on when you drive down the road wearing mirrored aviators over your RX horn rimmed glasses? Granted, these are not chunky Drew Carey-caliber horn rims, they are a slimmer, more femme version. So I imagine the effect is sexy librarian...with a badass streak. Either that or just batshit crazypants. I assure you (semi-confidently) that I am *not* batshit crazypants. My affliction is a bit more physiological....scratched cornea...AGAIN. Therefore, I am on a break from contacts but my eyes have been rather light-sensitive and I do not own a pair of these honkin' Roy Orbison shades. I swear, my eye doc is the nicest chick ever. She bestowed on me the "don't-be-cheap-and-wear-2 week-contacts-for-a-whole-month" lecture with the utmost tact, for the 2nd time. How she refrained from calling me a moron, I cannot fathom. But I swear...this reoccurence is not completely stemming from stupidity. It's this stubborn miserly old man streak in me that insists "What a racket!! They're perfectly fine to last ya a month!! Those Accuvue bastids are just trying to con you into spending more. A RACKET, I TELL YOU!!" It's weird how I can be like that. You'd think I lived through the dadburned Great Depression!!

Actually,my eye feels a good deal better today. I sustained the injury on Sunday --be it from a grain of airborne grit(my theory) or from a raggedy-ass contact lens. But I spent Sunday with my eye clamped shut with a cold wash cloth over it, drifting in and out of sleep. Monday , it wasn't feeling spectac. but I could manage to hold my eye open for 30 sec at a time, and I figured I should put in a full week before I take the week off next week (a trip to AZ-- yaaay!! More on that later..) so I worked that day. But then Tuesday I woke up, expecting to feel a smidge better, but the sunlight gave me a sharp pang of ouch right in the mid browbone and made me yelp "Oh FECK!!" And still, I got up and dressed with the intent of heading off to the office, but doing my hair in the mirror, I became increasingly dismayed that I still looked like Sloth from The Goonies, and maybe this won't clear up in time for my vaca, perhaps I should've seen the doctor on this? So I called in to work and went back to bed for 4 hours. And ya know, when I woke up again, I felt lots better. But I made the opthamologist appt. anyway. I got dye drops in my eye, the aforementioned lecture, and an RX for a li'l bottle of magic called Tobrimycin. It's antibiotics + steroids (for inflammation...me peeper was seriously inflamed. Incidentally, I am now waiting for someone to mildly perturb me so's I can TOTALLY UNLEASH HELL on 'em and then blame it on 'roid rage.) As soon as I got into my car in the Walgreens parking lot, I administered the first drop. Then, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw that the right side of face was streaked with rusty yellow rivulets--eye to jawline. I want to believe that this streaking came about immediately after the Tobrimycin drop, but I am not 100% sure. There is the chance that I went from the eye doc, across town, into Walgreens, consulted a pharmacist , sat in the store for 15 minutes, paid up & left, all while looking like my right eye was profusely seeping pus. Well, short story long, since Sunday I have been consistently hagged out and, at times, looking batshit crazypantsl I feel the need to rectify this sitch before I head west on Saturday. In a related news item, I am strongly compelled to buy a no-no.

So this is how my trip came about. ..

They told me at work that I had hit my roof for ETO accrual and would be losing it/ no longer earning if I didn't use some. So I just arbitrarily picked the week of May 9-16. I included that Monday the 16th so that I'd be returning to a short week of work...thusly diminishing (somewhat) the suckishness that is returning to work after vaca. It's the week after the first May pay day...so I guess not so arbitrary, that pick. Anyway, my time off was granted, but then the next day I started to dread the probability (the very probable probability) that I would fritter away my week off doing nothin' much. So, since I had a little nutmeat of my tax refund left, I thought--be un-Sandra-like and buy yourself a plane ticket!! The destination came to mind pretty quickly, as I have been promising my amiga out in Mesa AZ for about 10 yrs that I would...someday....eventually...one of these days...come visit her.

What I need to get crackin' on is some itinerary suggestions. Paula has asked me what I wanna do/ see, and rather than fall back on my usual passive M.O. ("Oooohhh, gee...I dunno. ..whatever you think would be fun") I'm gonna make with some actual, specific ideas. So far, I got Tombstone, and the Grand Canyon for my brilliant ideas. I gotta get some 'net-vestigations underway.

I have no good segue for this...but I was housesitting acouple weeks ago, and BOTH of the parakeets in my charge died. I have no good segue, because it hardly ties in with all my preceding news, but I had to include it in here somehow, because it was the funniest thing that happened to me lately. Oh, alright, YES-- I realize that makes me sound beaucoup insensitive, but dead parakeets just ARE funny. It's an empirical fact. I thought perhaps they died from me jinxing myself. Y'see...when I originally agreed to housesit for Peggy, there where 2 dogs to tend, along with 2 frogs, mail to fetch, and of course, the house to sit. But in the time between my consent to the gig and her departure for VA, she acquired 2 parakeets. I am renowned (in local circles) for being NOT a bird lover, and I proclaimed, when I learned of this new acquisition to Menagerie de Peggy "UGH. PARAKEETS. I'm just going to check them in the mornings to make sure they're not dead and then lob a handful of seed at their heads." Of course, I didn't do that, but just the mere mention of "dead" and "parakeets" in the same sentence might've triggered some bad hoodoo, y'know? Granted, my bird care regimen wasn't overly nurturing, but it was adequate. Every morning, about 10 min before leaving for work, I would get their water dish out that hangs on the side of the cage, give that a bit of a rinse, refill with new water. Then dump out their seed dish, and replace with new seeds. Other than that, I ignored them. I was vaguely aware of their horrid squickity-squwacking, but got adept at tuning them out. Peggy's notes said to "sing to them" and I did neglect to do that, but I'm not regretting that too mightily as I'm pretty sure that note was in jest and also pretty sure that my lack of crooning did NOT kill them. It may have even prolonged their life....who knows? As you mighta surmised, I didn't exactly bond with them... didn't even memorize their names actually. And so, on Thursday morning, when I saw the both of 'em laying (lying??) motionless on the bottom of the cage, I did the silliest thing. I shook the cage and I hollered , "Birds? BIRRRRDS!!!" I mean, that woulda been idiotic, even if I had known their given names (as if they'd spring up, all "What ho, guvnah? We was just havin' a bit of a snooze there..") but the fact that I didn't is just the perfect finishing touch of ridiculousness. I truly did feel awful about the two 'keets dropping dead (because this would make Peggy & her kid sad...because it would sully my rep as a top-notch housesitter) but, looking at it from outside the situation (and now, via a bit of hindsight) it just f-ing cracks my shit up. And so, I was dubbed a 'keet killer at the office...and many fun theories were bandied about (murder-suicide...CAGE match gone horribly wrong) Also I joked that I was going to dispose of the bods by feeding them to the dogs. Peggy has this ritual, when she feeds the doggies 2x daily, she doles out a little treat on top of their dry food-- a hard boiled egg, some bologna, etc. etc. (this is stupid... They --by and large--ignore their regular dog food. I feel certain that Caesar Milan would disapprove. I know the dude has his critics, but I think he knows his shit. But I digress...)So, here I was taxing myself, trying to dazzle the hounds with an exciting array of num-nums and suddenly I have 2 dead parakeets on my hands (it would have been cool if I'd had somebody like The Wolf to call, am I right?). Now that would be an exciting and different delicacy....

Actually, I was hoping, when I broke the news to Peggy, that she'd say something along the lines of "Oh, just put the cage outside, Kate's gonna wanna see them, have a burial or something" Now, I've met her kid, (Kate)and I didn't have a SERIOUS hope that she was going to really want to do something queer like that. I was just hoping to hear that because as much as I hate birds, dealing with dead birds is ESPECIALLY repugnant to me. But Peggy said to just throw 'em in the garbage. You should have seen THAT process. You think the Thurs a.m. discovery was idiotic. Well, I'd left 'em there all day, because I had to get to work. Well after I found out I'd have to dispose of the keets, I stole some gloves from work, earmarked especially for the chore. But then when I was about to actually do it, a thin layer of powder-free vinyl seemed an inadequate barrier betwixt my hand and a grody befeathered carcass. So, I had the brill. notion to employ Peggy's BBQ tongs. Not only does this eliminate actual bird -corpse contact, this also puts the corpse about a foot away from me. But then I thought... if I knew my grilling tools had touched dead bird, I'd have to discard them. So I took the top of the cage off, threw a little 6"x6" (approx) shroud of Saran Wrap over each birdie and scooped them up in that. And I lobbed them into a plastic shopping bag, double-tied that, and disposed of that bag in the garbage bag---all in a manner that suggested I was handling virulent toxic waste .

Hey, 2 out of three pet pairs survived the week. So I'm not THE WORST housesitter ever. Still, I count myself lucky that I have no dependents of any species to entrust to anyone while I'm in AZ. Surely karma would smite they asses...

Wish Me Luck!!! (I could sure use it..)

I stumbled on to this sweepstakes at the end of Feb and I've been submitting an entry once a day, every day. I still bet I won't win. I never win luck-based contests. Scrabble- yes, sometimes. Trivial Pursuit--aw, HELL yes. But sweepstakes, drawings, raffles..? I have a shit track record in these areas.

Once I won 2 tickets to a Bluegrass festival that ended up being HUGELY LAME. I mean, I suspected it might be lame but I filled out a raffle slip figuring--awww, what the hey. I never win this shit anyway. But then I won. The HR Dept showed me the jar o' entry slips that they drew my slip out of....there were TWO SLIPS. That was including mine.

Although I gotta say, lame as it was, that Bluegrass fest was a good memory. I took my friend Roxanne and it seems like we were laughing all day...at getting lost in Brandon VT, at all the comical old folks, at seizing some unsupervised lawn chairs, at the songs (there was one about an armadillo that particularly sticks out in my mind) And no, actually, we were not stoned.

Anyway, back to the sweepstakes du jour. . . .

I highly doubt there's only one other entrant in the running for this one. If I were to win..(which is, as I've explained, quite unlikely) I'd have to haul ass on obtaining a passport. I don't have one. (Isn't that SAD?? I think so...)

a few things that annoy me about work

It seems a damn shame to spend any fragment of the weekend blathering on about work, but to be honest, I probably spend a third of every Sunday dreading my return to work. So I'm 3 hours into Sunday already, I'll kvetch now, and maybe will manage to shave a coupla hours off Sunday evening's fretting. Yeah, that would be good.. "Upstairs,Downstairs" is premiering on Masterpiece Theater tomorrow night (well, tonight...but it still seems like tomorrow night since I've not gotten to bed as yet..) and it would be nice to take that in unimpeded by burgeoning trepidation.

1. My Boss. NO ONE likes my boss. My mind is rather too quick to spin everything into a pop culture metaphor but I can't seem to help it..and it's just too perfect..I've started to think of my boss as Ms. Hannigan. She doesn't micromanage, but if there's any lighthearted banter going around and she happens to stroll through the cubicle farm..she SCOWLS at everybody. OK, so yeah, it probably does impact productivity a skoach (non work related chit-chat, that is) but Hannigan, with her scowly-jowls, is LOUSY for morale. She's been gone on vacation for the past two weeks and it was evident how everyone's soul began, in tiny increments, to grow back. But she returns this Monday and I fully expect the misery to re-commence.

2. People who come to my desk and need something while I'm on the phone. Well, to begin with, I may just be perturbed to be sought out in the 1st place. I have a wide-ish irritable streak, but that can't be helped really, for if you saw how incredibly NEEDY these gits I work with are, you'd throw up your hands and exclaim " Well OF COURSE she's fucking irritable!!" Anyway, what reeeeeally gets me is that, when I'm on the phone, and someone comes up, needing my help...8 times outta 10, that person will just stand there. OK, typed out thusly, it doesn't seem like such a major offense. But trust me--it's way irritating? Am I the only one who hates to have people HOVER over me while I'm on the phone?? I can't be the only one!!

Because people are always coming to my desk, requiring my minioning, I have made signs to hang on my monitor to indicate where I am. Like, I have duties that regularly come up that take me away from my desk, and I've made a sign for those. Like, "Working In The Supply Room" or "Covering the Front Desk" . This signage is for the benefit of my cubby neighbors, because they would be grilled "Where did Sandra go? I need Sandra..." I don't have a "In the Bathroom...Droppin' a Deuce " sign but I do have a generic "Back In A Jiffy" and I have an "Out on Errand" sign for when they send me out delivering supplies to a patient or samples to the lab. And of course, I have a lunch time sign, something like---

Actually, it's EXACTLY like that, as that is a scan of the real deal. It's on fluorescent pink paper though (they all are), and that's not actual size. I also had to scan the sign I put up 2x a day when I bring out our outgoing mail and when I go to grab the incoming mail. I confess, I'm just amazed by my maaad self-portraiture skills. The likeness is UNCANNY!!

3. Every afternoon, about 10 min prior to go-home time, I fill the copiers with paper and I leave a spare ream or two. It really burns my crumpets when I happen upon a ream of paper where someone has ripped it open to swipe one or two sheets for use as scrap paper. I don't know WHY I get so pissed over that but I do. You'd think I paid for our copy paper outta my own pocket (I don't , of course) Maybe it's because we also have about 5 lbs of needless print outs daily. I have even started collecting such print outs in a tray...a tray I've labelled "SCRAP PAPER". But I suppose if the scrap paper is not readily available to them, they'll just crack open the copy paper...oh, and by "readily available" I mean 1" to 3" inches away from their right hand. Otherwise they'll disregard it. Well, I guess I am undecided on whether these offendors are lazy slobs or unobservant schmoes.

iTunes iNdulgence

I planned on a wee payday splurge on iTunes ...I promised myself I would stop at 3 songs. I should have had someone else assist me in the purchasing, because historically, I have proven I am utter crap at keeping promises I make to myself. Once I started picking songs offa my wish list it was..."oh but this one too" and "Just one more"... So yeah, I didn't contain it to a spree of three. I bought nine. I'm not really setting any records for iTunes expenditure there, but I'm still disappointed with my breakdown of self-discipline. And yet I'm digging my new music nonetheless!! Here is a run down of what I acquired (*PLUS* a bonus MUST-include that I did purchase but it was not in this most recent splurge, but the last one, about three weeks ago) 1. "I Told You I Was Freaky" [Flight of the Conchords] OK...so it's a novelty song... but I do find the chorus very catchy (even while Jemaine's background whispering cracks me up). That's what I like about FOTC's music...it's not just funny lyrics set to some generic acoustic guitar strumming (which it seems like that is what a lot of "musical comics " do) but their stuff is actually viable music. And they dabble in a lot of different genres.. This "I Told You I Was Freaky" vid is from Season 2 of their show (R.I.P. ..I sooo miss their show) but it's not exactly what I bought. They did an album (or 2?) of their music and most of the songs differ slightly from how they did them on TV. The album version of "I Told You I Was Freaky" can be found YouTube, but I didn't opt for that , because it was just a still shot of Brett's face. And cute though Brett is, it irks me when YouTube posters spit out these fan-made "videos" for songs and they don't even bother with a simple slideshow. I'll link you to that one though, because Jemaine has an amusing li'l solo verse of his own in that version that I find worth a listen.

2. "Demon Woman" [Flight of the Conchords] This song was also from Season 2. Sort of psychadelic hard rock this one. So this makes FOUR FOTC tunes on my iPod-- I have "Robots" "Demon Woman" "I Told You I Was Freaky" and, their very best "Hiphopapotamus vs Rhymenoceros" (and though funny on the show, and funny on the album, the most excellent version of this masterpiece is from one of their live shows. I urge you to scope it out, post haste.) 3. "Fancy" [Drake/ T.I. /Swizz Beatz] -- This popped up in Accuradio's "Spring Break Mix" and I was insta-smitten. I didn't think Drake was my sort of artist, but maybe the allure of any given Drake song is reliant on whatever producer/ collaborator he's recruited for it. Maybe it's the Mr. Alicia Keys influence that I'm responding to. But whatever.. I really like this. Some good rhymes in here and that hook "Nails done, hair done, ev'rythang biiiig" that's a real earworm.. (is that the hook? Not sure...I'm bad w/ music terminology)

(that, by the way, is NOT the "Official Music Video" but I appreciate the effort someone took in trying to fake us out)

4."Bigmouth Strikes Again" [the Smiths] This song was recently listed on a Paste magazine countdown of "50 of the Best Opening Lines in Pop Music" (I mighta paraphrased that title, but that's pretty much the gist of it) I SO concur. The opening line of this song (in case you've not heard it) "Sweetness, Sweetness I was only joking...when I said...I'd like to smash every tooth....in your head" Oh, sure it's a smidge aggressive, but it grabs you, no? Oh, I love the rest of the song too. I've just lately realized that I quite like The Smiths.

5. "Moments in Love" [Art of Noise] When I stumbled on to this song in my iTunes meanderings, I was amazed that I had forgotten all about it. Upon hearing it, I knew it wasn't absolutely new to me, so I'd heard it before but it just wasn't in my mental archive of 80s music. Which was a lame-ass oversight on my part, because this song is AWESOME. It's one of those magical transformative instrumentals. It's like Yakety Sax --when you play Yakety Sax, any activity that is going on at that time is rendered WACKY. But "Moments in Love" is sexy-fying. It could make tha sexy times sexier or...just picture it...it could make it sexy to assemble and consume a peanut butter sammich. Or to do the Gazelle in super slo-mo.

When I checked YouTube for this, I was expecting some more fan made shit, but NOT expecting to discover the original Art of Noise video for it. I didn't think they'd made one. I'd seen a video for "Close to the Edit" but that was their biggest hit, and I'd figured they'd only had that one video. Not so. Well, I rather appreciate how they didn't go sexy on this (which would've been the obvious direction for this). They opted instead, for bat guano loco. So despite all I said in the last paragraph about the magical sexy aura this song exudes, it will be some time before I can hear this song and not just think: figure-skating Madonna Parton...and turtles. Behold the glorious weirdness for your own damn self...

6. "Pay Me My Money Down" [Bruce Springsteen] So I'm just discovering now that a few years back, Springsteen did a folky album called "The Pete Seeger Sessions" iTunes Genius spit that one at me and OMG, sometimes their recommendations for me are right on the f-ing money!! This is actually the second version of this song on my iPod ...I downloaded one back in January...it was off this soundtrack from some Revels performance (well, this one to be precise) Even though it's the same song, they differ lots. The Springsteen one is rollicking...whereas the Revels version is slower, with a bit more soul...kinda music to pick-axe rocks to, y'know? I like both. Oddly, one of the things I really like about the Revels version is they sing "Pay me, mister stevedore" I like the word "stevedore". There's a lovely old-timeyness about it.

7. "The Dog Days are Over" [Florence + the Machine] Florence is AMAZING. The Machine, I have no opinion on. I also wanna get her song "Kiss With a Fist", but that track remains on my wish list...unbought. I'm not so pleased about that, but I do like that I can proffer that fact to y'all as evidence that my self-restraint --feeble and pathetic though it may be--'tis NOT nonexistant.

8. "Ice Cream Paint Job" [Dorrough] this is kinda one of those songs I dig that I worry if it might be zapping dead my brain cells as I listen to it. But this is just snobbery. The heart wants what it wants and likewise, so does the groove thing. Perhaps "the groove thing" is not a tangible anatomical component and it may be ages before scientists can prove it's a real thing. But I already know it's real. And it lives in the ass.

9. "Old Dan Tucker" [Bruce Springsteen] Does having 3 "Old Dan Tuckers" on the pod make me an Old Dan Tucker collector?? Ah well. I have always loved this song so that's ok by me. The titular dude, WASHES HIS FACE IN A FRYING PAN, for God's sake!! This is by far my fave version yet-- Springsteen sings the hell out of it. You should quickly check out this performance of it, where he gives the opening verse a hardass HOLLER that really illustrates how this is a perfect song for him to sing. It's a perfect song for him to sing in a way that "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is not. I've always thought him + that particular Christmas song = not a good fit. But shit--- he can sing "Santa Claus is Coming Town" all he likes...he is THE BOSS. I am known, in my social circles, for saying "You are NOT the boss of me" (hold over from growing up as the little sis, possibly) but I would never say that to Boss Springsteen. He is way too awesome to have me sass him. And he could boss me...if he wanted to.

I picked this one to embed because I thought the backing band gave a more spirited performance here---

okay, now the BONUS track--

***BONUS*** BONUS***BONUS***

10. "Lady" [the Commodores] I was obsessively listening to this song for a while after buying it last month. At that time,I posted the FANTASTIC VIDEO for it on Facebook along with a sort of opinion poll question...a real toughie. I asked : If Kenny Rogers, the Commodores, & The Little River Band had a "Lady" battle with their "Lady " songs....who should be crowned the victor??

I was leaning toward The Commodores' "Lady" and after watching their video for it, I am quite certain. LIONEL RITCHIE FOR WORLD CUP MVP--YAAAAAAY!!

Live and in-person Gleekiness

The dude who teaches music at the Lebanon Jr/Sr. High School is married to this lady, Gaye, that works with me (this oddly monikered broad being the head of our Development Dept) and Gaye leads this community chorus group on Mondays--Harmony Night. So when there is a Leb H.S. concert it involves the junior high AND these Harmony Night Singers. So it's like a mega-choral event. I know, because I attended one this past Thursday night. Why? Well it's not because I'm any great pal of Gaye's. Rather, I went because I wanted to witness something like this ..

Just jokin'...that would have been SO rad though. I went to the concert because Linette has been doing the Harmony Night thing and was all stoked for the concert and really wanted to have some "fans" in the audience.

Overall the concert was good...though there was this one group (the high school chorus had these spin-off mini choruses) that was outstandingly bad. The real abomination was not their shit-quality singing though. It was that they were shitty and they called themselves Sha-na-na. So it's rather an affront to Bowser et. al

Ohhh, ok, so it might be somewhat disrespectful of me to refer to the whole of Sha-na-na (and now I refer to famous Sha-na-na and not high school Sha-na-na) as "Bowser et al" But Bowser is really the only thing I really remember from their TV show . They sang "Goodnight Sweetheart" at the close of every show, and every time the camera hit Bowser he went berzerker flexing his feeble excuses for biceps. In my defense, I was only 3 or 4 at the time of my ardent Sha-na-na viewership, and whaddya gonna appreciate at that age? Musicianship and first rate harmonizing? Or gimmicks? Also, I know I was going through quite a bass-man kick during this era. The well-worn state of my "Elvira" 45 is a testament to that (Ah OOOMM boppa OOOOMM boppa MOW MOW)

One thing that was unfortunate about the junior high segment of the concert was the annoying "choreography" they saturated their songs with. It was that literal choreography of grade school concerts, which is tolerable from the K-3 set, because they're all at peak adorability. They basically sing the song and accompany every g-damn line with pidgin ASL. Scanning the crowd & doing a hand visor when they sing "look", miming slumber when they sing "dream", etc etc. I don't know why music teachers don't retire that shit. I mean, especially for grades 7 &8.

I realize that rant from the last paragraph makes me sound inordinately ornery... I suppose I can be. I'm sorry...

If you can believe it, my night got even dorkier than 7th grade singing mimes. After the concert, Linette asked if I wanted to go grab some beers & wings at Ramuntos. She said that "some of the girls from Harmony Night are going" but, ahhh.. GINORMO understatement!! 90% of everyone that performed at the concert was there. Worse than the scarcity of elbow room was that I inadvertantly wound up as some sort of glee groupie. EWWww, am I right?

So, as if their life isn't musical enough already, Gaye and her hubby Dan are in an acapella group with another couple. They're called The Honeymooners. I have seen them in action before, as they sang for my agency's "Employee Appreciation Night" (which pretty heavily sucked, BTW). Well, lemme preface this by saying, I have no problem with acapella music. In fact, I really liked that show The Sing-Off that NBC did 2 seasons of(so, like, Exhibit A in my defense there, mmkay?). But it seems like there is a common breed of acapella group (The Honeymooners being one of these) that can't do a song without O.D.ing on hokey. Oh, I dunno, "hokey" is a nebulous thing-- quite identifiable, but hard to articulate. I think a lot of it stems from them being SOOOO damned expressive...so expressive they make silent film actors look stolid.

I'm certainly not the worst audience member (heckling, or fielding calls on my cell), but I am way too honest to be a *great* audience member. Like, if I'm underwhelmed by a performance, I will only "air clap" to be polite. And I've sat out on a good deal of standing ovations. I think the massiveness of a lot of your standing o's are probably due to herd mentality anyway. Awfully, cynical of me, but I do believe it. You know, you can get by being a mediocre audience member in an audience of a hundred or so. But when acapella breaks out...in a restaurant....3 ft from you...it's time to adapt, sport. Yes, The Honeymooners started doo-wopping in the middle of Ramuntos. The crowd had clamored for it (the crowd, excepting yours truly & the regulars at the bar) and they were just absolutely RAPTUROUS about it (both crooners & crowd, that is) And y'know, God love 'em for being so impulsive and fun and uninhibited but... I had a pint + hot wings + bleu cheese at my table. THAT is what I was rapturous about. You know, I'm not such a social ninny that I eschew all social interaction with my comrades once wings are served. But I'm pretty adept at chatting-while-noshing (though, I gotta admit, I'm not sure my multitasking is all that lovely to behold) But add my innate audience-al* mediocrity to the fact that I really just wanted to enjoy my f-ng chicken wings, maaan X the fact that they're doing this uber-emoting a hair's breadth away from me .....well, it all tallies up to = AWWWWKWARD.

The second song in their set was "Duke of Earl" and for all the songs they do this god-awful audience engaging thing where the "lead" on that song directs a particularly schmoopy couplet at some poor sap in the front row, then sings at another sap another line, etc, etc, you get the drift. So, Dan is singing, "Ohhh I--I-I...oh, I'm gonna love you. Oh. ohh.." AT ME and I swear, until he got to the L-word, I was utterly oblivious (blissed out wings trance, annihilating a drummer, smears of fluourescent red on both cheeks, most likely) and then I kind of regained my situational awareness and... saluted him with a chicken wing. Well, not super suave of me, but I do hope it augmented the entertainment value of their show. After that instant, I was faking being as totally rapt as everyone around me--big, broad smile on my face and real clapping. But all the time I was thinking: ohmigod you guys are soooooo unbearably dorky I can't staaaaand it.

It all sorta reminded me of January 2006, when I travelled to Mexico with my sister and her family. For the bulk of our stay, we were in Hermosillo, which was overindustrialized and smelly. But one weekend we spent in the resort town of San Carlos, in this nice resort. We were on the ocean there, and there were a lot of nice quasi-mansions (prob'ly gringo retirees, I'd wager) We dined one night, al fresco, this place overlooking the beach. This lady went table to table selling roses--fine. But then, there were these wandering minstrels that were going to your table and strumming guitars and singing folk songs. And doesn't it just sound idyllic? It totally does to me too but... I HATED IT. If they had been, stationery, in like a stage-area it would have been fabulous, but I didn't appreciate them all up in mah grill like that. You either have to nod appreciatively or just commit to being an overt bastard. If I was aggressive and not so staunchly passive- aggressive, then I probably woulda been fine in that scenario. I know I sound terribly party pooperish, and it sounds all so lovely. My sister thought it was great! Me, I was like: Whaaaat DO YOU WANT FROM ME? No tengo pesos. Will you take a third of my quesadilla and go away??

Well, back to the States, 2011. As I said goodbye & goodnight to Gaye, she's all "Thanks so much for coming! Heeey, new voices are always welcome at Harmony Night!! What do you have going on Monday nights??" The answer to that? I got a fat lotta nothing going on on Monday nights, and that's how I like it. Most Monday mornings I have to promise myself an apres-work nap in order to coax myself out of bed and I like to keep the entirety of every Monday evening free for the occasional occasions that I make good on that promise. But of course, I didn't say that. I think my answer, verbatim, was "Oh. Ha. Well, good night."

Oh, but then on Friday at work, she emailed me reiterating the offer!! And Linette also mentioned it in her daily email howdy to me. Oy. I'm definitely going to have to come up with some fictitious, inflexibly scheduled 2nd job. Although, a non-fictitious 2nd job would do me good. But let's--for the moment-- disregard that whole perpetual miasma ...

*Yes, I made up that word. I had, for some odd reason, tired of typing the word "member"

Hypothetical HiJinks at the O.G.

I was at Olive Garden on Saturday, having lunch out with the fam. for my Mom's birthday. It occurred to me that it would be immensely amusing (though it feels like maybe it's only *SOOOO* damn funny to just me) if when your waiter/waitress is grinding cheese on to your salad and says "Say when..." just give them a silent but expectant stare for well over a minute and let them keep grinding, and grinding, and grinding, and grinding... maybe until they run out of cheese. Then ask if there's more Parm in the kitchen (or would that be taking it too far??) I have not yet been bold enough to do this, but perhaps someday...
I don't think it would ruin your salad, but you are running the risk of acquiring a bad reputation as an insatiable cheese fiend. You don't want anyone at the O.G. thinking ill of you, and of course this is more of a problem for you if there is one particular location that you frequent.

A quickie before bed

I came down with a smidge of a head cold this weekend, at its worst on Sunday. And so, Sunday night I did not sleep well, because my nose was plugged, consequently, I was sleeping with my maw wide open, with said oral cavity getting all dried out with a nice coating of dust motes. I kept waking up with dry, dusty mouth. And so, when I rose for work 7am Monday, I was hellah tired, still congested and so I just called in (with some b.s. story about not wanting to come into the office all contagious. I mean, I was legitimately sickish, but I've worked when sicker) and went back to bed until quarter of 1.

So, while it will be nice to have only a 4day work week (wardrobe selection is ever so much easier when you only have to come up with 4 pairs of clean pants.. ok, well honestly it's apt to be just 3 pairs of clean pants because, I will allow myself 1 repeat, not on consecutive days and provided the pants don't smell or have any glaringly apparent stainage ) HOWEVER, I always am hit with a unique sort of trepidation on the 1st day of work following a sick day. Did they really buy that I was sick? What the hell happened in the office all day when I wasn't around to watch my back?? And so, I am stupidly dragging my heels on going to bed because the sooner I do, the sooner back-to-work time rolls around. There is a wee, infinitesimal sector of my brain where sanity stubbornly hangs on, and the concensus from there is that the later I go to bed, the more miserable I'll be when back-to-work time does roll around so this stalling foolishness is only making matters worse. Ohhh, but sane brain usually just vexes me with how bloody sensible it is all the time, so I damned well am going to stall a bit longer...

One of the things I was diverting myself with was going back to old blog posts. My own blog posts, so a little exercise in narcissism , there. I can't believe I've been at this since 2006!! It was the old stuff I was looking at mostly--2006, 2007, and I'm unpleasantly surprised to find...I used to be much funnier. I was nutsy, for sure, but I seemed more inspired. It's as if hitting the big 3-0 kicked off a period of great mental stagnation. Ohhhh, SWELL.

Stupid Signs at my Library

I pulled in to the library parking lot tonight and it was almost totally full. I spotted one open slot not too far from the walkway, but I saw it had some signage at the front of it. I very nearly passed it over, because I presumed that it was a Handicapped Parking sign. But I did give it a closer look and discovered it read:

RESERVED FOR FUEL EFFICIENT CARS

Look, I'm not anti-saving-the-planet or anything, but uhhh, nevertheless, FUCK YOU, Kilton Public Library. I am to be punished with inferior parking because I don't have the capital to buy a new vehicle? Yeah, yeah, I was aware of that whole cash-for-clunkers program and NO I didn't take advantage of it. My clunker was not deemed clunky enough, and even if it had been, I don't believe the gov't was about to foot the entire bill for my new ride, and that is exactly what I would need for me to manage an upgrade.

I'm sure the mindset behind that sign is not to punish inefficient car owners, but rather to reward folks who have made the switch for greener wheels. But, daaaaamn...look at the prices at the pump!! So if you are getting 40 mpg then, YAAAY for you. You are duhh--winning!! I don't think further bonuses are required,dammit.

So, yeah, I parked in that space. I figured "Fuel Efficient Cars" is a subjective thing. My car (Toyota Camry) is fuel efficient compared to ohhh, say, a Hummer, no? Let the bastids tow me.

Oh speaking of gas prices... not for nothin' I was delighted to track down this handy website...on the day before a payday that couldn't arrive quickly enough.

Another notable sign at the KPL (though this doesn't anger me, it just sorta bemuses me) is this one on the back of the bathroom stall doors--

Every time I gaze at that, I think -- why bother with the numerical euphemisms when you're just going to throw the technical term in parenthesis? Seems superfluous.

Ok, folks, so it's not the insight to end all insights.

But hey , if there's anyplace I'm especially prone to overthinking things...

This is why I need an iPhone!!

[Alternately: Why YOU are Lucky I Don't Have an iPhone!]

Because it is hard to verbally convey the image of a pink object, approx. 2" in length, with red sort of crenellations in it, fuzzy-edged, with 2 infinitesimal specks of grey. A PHOTO of it would have just done the trick though.

But lemme go back to my dearth of adequate technology....
I have an old digital camera that I hardly ever use, on account of it having a wee tiny, teensy memory (19 photos and it's full) And it's hard to find a replacement memory card for that model. The one time I did track one down in Walmart, it was like 3x the price of all the other camera memory cards there. I was vexed and didn't buy it. So this camera is just sittin' around, collecting dust, or it would be collecting dust if it weren't for the handsome pleather carrying case I have it encased in. And its AA batteries have been dead for some time.

I could just get a new digital camera (as you can get 'em on the cheapie cheap these days) but a new & better digital camera wouldn't be charged up & onhand at all times like a phone is. That's an important thing, believe it or not. I mean, for example (one example of several) I kept seeing this pick up truck on the roads that had a top half of a lady-mannequin stuck to the roof of it and NOBODY believed me. And no, I don't have a camera on my current cell. It just so happens my cell is an antiquated p.o.s. also. So the iPhone is just the clear solution. It's simply the best solution for me and NO ..this has nothing to do with my sis just getting one and me being maaaad jealous.

My primary method of picture taking now is my Flip cam, which, when I download the vids I take on that onto my computer, I can make screen cap snapshots. But that does not make for a quality photo. Oh, and I can also do snapshots with the web cam on my laptop. That's really only good for the singular purpose of snapping FB profile headshots. And I was hardly about to fire up my laptop and go hold it over my toilet.

Oh, yeah, that's where I came upon this "pink object, approx. 2" in length, with red sort of crenellations in it, fuzzy-edged, with 2 infinitesimal specks of grey" ...it was floating in my toilet. Yesterday, I went home from work, read 2 chapters of my library book and then nodded off and napped for an hour and a half. It was my bladder that woke me up. So I got up, hastened to el bano and...encountered a mystery thingie floating in my toilet. I don't know why, when encountered with an object that I don't know what it is, my mind always, immediately goes to "BLAARRRGH-grody!!" but it does. And I don't know why I am then compelled to blog about it, but I have a

history of that

. In fact, I confess, I wasn't just hit with a general wave of repulsion, I had the very specific thought "AAAGH!! It's the spine ripped out of a mouse!!"

I KNOW! I'M AN UTTER WACKADOO!!

I have had mice visit my abode on numerous occasions. This is historical fact. Once I found a storehouse of sesame seeds in my left winter boot. But this...this is a new development--a malevolent hobgoblin that feeds on my house-mice and/or EVISCERATES them for kicks (and then politely reposits the carnal debris in the loo). Ok, after about 15sec or so, my rational mind piped up, and said "It's probably some bit of garbage or a hair-styling oddment that got somehow knocked into the toilet...and it's unidentifiable because of how things get all bloat-distorted when they've been in water for a while.." But I could not specifically think of what it really could be, as I stood there. Staring at it. Incapacitated. I thought to grab my tweezers and pull it out. But I really was incapacitated with repulsion. Oh, and btw, anything that is grossing you out with its icky unrecognizability is 10X ickier if it's floating in a toilet. Because some, fucked-up, sci-fi lovin' part of you is going to wonder if you went into a fugue state and shat out something bizarre. Ohhhh,it only flickered through my noggin for a half nanosecond!! And it was theory #2...after the mouse spine notion.

I was strongly compelled to just flush it. I mean, that would be the easiest denoument here, but I had a faint worry that it was not something I should be flushing down the toilet. I don't want to damage my toilet...which happens to be a fairly new one. Really, I don't relish contact with my landlord at all. For anything. I especially don't want to have to go knock on the door and say, " Hey Mike, the toilet is all fucked up as I tried to flush down this GRRROOSS mouse spine thingy I found in it and it must be jammed in the pipes somewhere 'cause it ain't flushing now." I was gonna tweeze it out (or maybe just pinch it with the tweezers..to get an idea of texture) but I didn't really want to get closer to it, or manipulate it in any way (using my bare or gloved hands was instantly ruled out!!) even with tweezers...oh also- I use those tweezers on my face.

Y'know there were probably a hundred other makeshift fishing implements within my bathroom, a thousand in my whole apartment, but my mind was too damn preoccupied with being bat guano loco to think resourcefully. And so I flushed it. And that is the end of my story. Except the memory of it haunted me all night: what WAS that? What the fuuuuuck?

In the spirit of exposing myself as the complete nutter I am, I am going to share with y'all the new profile pic I put on Facebook. You'll remember the last pic was aimed at glorifying my glamorous new gel tips. Well, these nails of mine are not only in baa-aa-aad need of a fill, but 2 of the tips broke off on my right hand. Not so glam now. But at least I don't hurt meself picking my nose anymore. JUST KIDDING (or am I??)!!!!!
Since I don't feel like my nails need to be celebrated now, I thought I'd change my profile pic. I took a shot of myself in McDonalds, doing my patented French Fry Vampire character. OK, well I don't have it patented ...yet. But it's this thing I do. In fact, it's not the only picture I have of myself on FB doing the French Fry Vampire. But it's the only one of me doing it with my funky headphones on, so this one is "DJ French Fry Vampire"

Yes, yes, I DO know I look like a moron. But I looked at the resulting snap and it made me GUFFAW, so I couldn't keep it to myself. It's damned commendable, I say. I am willing to sacrifice vanity entirely for the amusement of others. Selfless!!

Upon further reflection, with those nails and scary bug-eyed face I'm doing, I don't so much look like a vamp in the tradition of Christopher Lee, but more like Max Shreck as Nosferatu (spooky visual aid).
Boy, I could really do a killer Nosferatu if I combined French Fry Vampire with this custom I have when I eat Bugles of putting 'em on all my fingertips. I guess that just hadn't occurred to me previously since there hasn't been an occasion where I'm been eating McDonald's and Bugles simultaneously. Rather proud of that fact, actually. But still, that would be funny, eh?

Noble, Pathetic Endeavors--THE EPILOGUE

Speed dating was no great triumph. . .though it was not a crushing failure either. There needs to be a noun invented for referring to a unvictorious non-failure...oh, wait...howsabout calling it a "draw"? In lieu of a better noun, ("tie" is equally inadequate) we'll go with "draw".

I think because I went into the adventure with abysmal expectations, with a smallish bowling ball of dread in my gut (like a bocce ball of dread), I'm viewing a draw as a rather favourable outcome. So much so that I would go to another speed dating fete if the organizers decide to do it again. The WGXL/ KIXX people that were there said they were pleased with the turnout and were considering making it a regular thing.

The turnout was better than I expected (though, as I've said, my expectations were none too lofty) but still not ideal for us distaff attendees. There was a total of 29 speed daters there--11 of them were men. So yeah, I'm kinda rooting for them to hold another one, as I'd like to give it another go with a new mix of minglers, better male attendance, and a spiffier venue. It was held in this restaurant called Shepard's Pie, in their new function room. The atmosphere was BLECCCH! Low-ceilinged & low-rent. True, said function room is in the basement of the restaurant, but they could've attempted *something* to make the place less basement-y.


So what dissolved my gut-dwelling dreadball was this reassuring realization that came over me shortly after things got underway. None of the guys seemed to know what the hell they were doing there. It occurred to me that everyone of us was equally pathetic. This gave me a comforting hey-we're-all-in-the-same-boat sorta feeling . So, that epiphany calmed me down.. . .that epiphany and 3 gin & tonics.


I realize it's called "speed-dating" but I think 5 minutes per beau is a bit too speedy. I had presumed we were allotted 10 minute "dates" and I think that would have been better. Y'see I was unable to follow the advice I had given to myself... In lieu of prepping any interesting anecdotes or dazzling biographical bulletpoints, I just counselled meself: " Be a good listener. Try to appear genuinely engaged in what they are saying even if you have to fake it and probably you will. Do not succumb to verbal diarrhea" I am HIGHLY prone to verbal diarrhea in nervous situations. Now, I really did expunge all my butterflies very early on. So I suppose what verbal diarrhea that I did succumb to was attributable to the ridiculous time constraints... and the 3 gin and tonics. But I really didn't blather on as badly as I am capable of blathering. But there were just some guys that were not innately forthcoming unless I took the conversational lead. I could not abide awkward silences...I've just got a mere 5min to determine if we are MFEO!!! Normally, I would wait for you to gain social footing , buddy, truly I would...

Some scraps of detail--

The cutest guy there made a bad impression on me fairly quickly. I said some expression and then second-guessed myself that I used it correctly, confessed that I would probably check later to ensure that I had (yeeeahh, this was probably a wee lapse into nerves-induced verbal-d…I mean, he *was* pretty cute…) But then he says something like “Ehhh… I just feel like, if you feel like a word means something then that’s what it means.” Uh, pardon? I’m all for new word invention, but as for free interpretation of preexisting words? I’m not down with that, chief. I think I followed up with “ Ahh..and are you a creative speller too?”
Maybe I did skew slightly snotty. My lead question ( Linette emailed me that morning that we needed to have questions prepared. I was all, “What?? I can’t even think @ work…even if I had time to!!” So she very nicely printed up some off the internet for me, and on the ride over there, I picked some that looked good... also cranked out 2 or 3 of my own. It turned out that half the people there didn't have any questions ..so even preparing at the last minute, I felt like some poindexter overachiever. Also..pardon my COLOSSAL parenthetical tangent. Way too long!!) my lead question was "Read the book? Or see the movie? Perhaps both?" Well, that's not verbatim.... I stayed away from the word "perhaps" I like people to know me for more than 5 minutes before I let on that I'm hellah pretentious. It was not my most *crucial* question, but I thought it was a good opener. And I won't say I conclusively RULED OUT anyone who gave me a bad answer to that...but hearing "Mehh. I don't really read"..that gives me a pretty inauspicious vibe.

Linette's favorite question--that she used on everybody (truly--anybody & everybody!) was this: "ALIENS HAVE LANDED AND ONE ASKS YOU TO GO BACK TO THEIR HOME PLANET WITH THEM. DO YOU GO?" I write this in all caps because Linette has this tendency to yell-talk. It's funny to me that all the uber-gregarious people I know are also yell-talkers. You see, you'd think they would be, with my shy amigos talking low and/ or mumbly...but that actually being the case feels too sensical to be true, y'know? So those are two biographical nuggets about Linette you should know-- she's uber-gregarious (which made her a hell of a choice for a speed dating "wingman"--damned funny, really) and she often uses her outdoors voice when indoors....which is how I knew she was asking everyone that alien question. If I hadn't heard, I would have guessed she asked the hell out of it...when we were comparing questions before the event, she was clearly delighted with that one. She found it very telling of a potential suitor. What she was looking for was an unhesitating, emphatic "Yes!!" as that shows bravery and a sense of adventure. Yeah, that's all well and good, but there's a fine line between a sense of adventure and stupidity. The question provides absolutely NO backstory on these aliens...they could look like Predator, or talk like Charlie Sheen or be horrifying in some other fashion!! And y'know, even if they were adorable li'l E.T.s I still would not go. Outer space is f-ing SCARY!! Have you seen Event Horizon??

Here are the other questions I had (or the ones I can recollect anyway)-
*what would you say is your best quality? Is there any quality you'd like to cultivate more in yourself?
*What i s your dream job?
* What is your dream vacation?
*Your house is on fire--presuming all humans & animals are out safe, what do you save?

Oh, one exchange that stands out in my memory (and not everything does stand out..I think Tanqueray makes for nice, blurry-edged, nonspecific memories) was where I sort of unthinkingly lapsed into French at one point. I do that from time to time...sometimes with Latin....but bad move that night since, you'll recall, I was trying to keep my chronic pretension on the d.l. I had asked this guy- "What do you enjoy most?" And he said (approx.) "Oh, I like dining out with friends and family. I like entertaining.." and I pipe up "Ah, so you're a something of a bon vivant" His "Uh. Yeah." reply hinted at a misstep, but the blank stare really confirmed it.

The whole scenario kinda sparked in me this compulsion for mischief and I kept thinking of really bizarro, subversive shit I could do...but I didn't want to sabotage myself, so between "dates" I kept suggesting to Linette that she do this crap (for instance -- say everything to this guy in rhyming couplets OR ask surreal, nonsensical questions like "Armadillo? Or stapler?") thinking Linette was just loco enough to try it, but, alas, I couldn't get her to do my bidding.


I'd have to say, the best conversationalist there was this retired Navy guy. But .. perhaps it's haughty of me, ..I just couldn't see myself with a sexy sextagenarian. He wasn't that sexy, really, I just fancied a bit o' word play there. Not that he was just awful and decrepit and lugging around an oxygen tank. He was definitely of the "silver fox" ilk ...like that gents Blanche Devereaux used to schtupp. I was thinking...look at that chick that's marrying Hugh Hefner...I've got like 10 years on her (almost!) so she's either way more open-minded than me (or, if common opinion is to be believed, she is superhumanly devoted to grabbin' that financial security) So who am I to be so damn choosy? Ah, well nevertheless I am, and grandpa was not granted my digits.

In fact nobody was...and I didn't get anybody's digits. But I'm ok with that because : a) there wasn't much contact info swapping going on in the room from what I witnessed. (with only 11 guys, there was a big lull while waiting for the procession of men to make its way back to my side of the basement--during which I spied on other dates) b) I don't really regret that any of those guys don't have my number.

So...I realize that that sounds like a ginormo ZERO on the scoreboard that I am okay with because I have complacent loser mentality, but... I really don't feel it was futile. Overall, I HAD FUN ( oh yeah--we went to a bar after the speed dating thang wrapped) and that's key. Really, I'm just glad that I had the stones to try it....overcame some initial trepidation, and sorta "limbered up" in a sense. I stretched my mingling muscles, flexed my flirting tendons (tendons? oh really? Rhetorical note: analogy + contrived alliteration = FAIL) So, not an utter waste of a Thursday night. It's especially good that I had fun, since after some numero-crunching on Sunday, I came to the shitty conclusion that I absolutely can't afford to do anything fun for *weeks*.
Ohhhh, BALLS.

A Noble, Possibly Pathetic Endeavor

Got an email yesterday from friend, ex-colleague, Linette... asking if I wanted to come along and check out some speed dating soiree in Quechee this Thursday night.

Yep..you read right: speed dating. I know, I know, I thought it debuted and died in 1999 too, but apparently it still does happen from time to time at various venues.

My kneejerk reflex was to fire back an "Aww, HELLS no." But I reconsidered...and instead opted for "OK, what the hell?" Y'see, it occurred to me that my instincts have not served me all that spectacularly thus far, so maybe do the UN-Sandra thing on this one. And yes, if it works for me, I *will* have the rubber bracelets made up --"WWSND??"

I don't wanna say that I fully expect it to be a disaster but...if I was a betting gal (like, a gal with money) I would bet on disaster. But, I think there's something noble just in the "putting yourself out there". Linette is quite good at that. I think that maybe why I like her...she's so outgoing she's like...intrepid about it. I think I want some of that to rub off on me.

So I'm forging ahead, trying to be as socially intrepid as I can manage, despite a few instances of unease. F'rinstance, I was explaining to another (older) pal just what speed-dating is, and basically I was recapping what I'd seen in movies or on TV. (most fresh in my mind was the 1st and only episode I'd seen of Vicar of Dibley...think that was just earlier this month I caught that on PBS) In fact, the whole phenom seems like something invented for sitcoms. But anyway, it was in the explaining (or trying to explain) the voting, or vetting or rose ceremony, or whatever the hell goes down apres banter...that I got a twinge of dread. It occurred to me: the whole thing could turn out badly...the chit-chat--at its worst-- could be painfully awkward, but that last bit...well, that might just be plain ol' painful. Something akin to kickball team selection in grade school gym...

Ohhh...but that's the risk that makes the whole endeavor noble, right? If nothing else, it will simply be an exercise in "putting oneself out there". Good to do that every now and then. And if things are fantastically successful, it could be an exercise in putting out. Oh, shit, you know, I was actually cringing as I typed that, but my inner Andrew Dice Clay will not let me take it back...the "Dice-San" is solely responsible for that contrived-ass wordplay and she was just dying to work it in there somehow or t'other. Tacky bitch.

I had another pang of "Oh shit!" today when Linette mentioned that she heard about the event on the radio. Every time I have been in Linette's car, she is listening to 100 point something or other which is "The Wolf: the Valley's BEST Country." I think it's funny that their mascot is the wolf, because I picture a lot of their listeners wearing the Three Wolf Moon tee (and *not* with comedic intent) I actually emailed her back to inquire after exactly what station she heard it advertised on. I told her "I'm committed either way, but if I am going to go in there and face bolo ties and /or NASCAR dudes, I need to steel myself for that"

THANK GOOOOD she heard it on a Top 40 station!!

Anyway, 'tis going down tomorrow night, and may it provide good blog-fodder, eh??

Undecided!!

I was riveted (haa..quasi-pun there) by this commercial when it came on the telly Saturday at the nail salon while I was getting my glamtalons installled....

I'm torn... half of me is very compelled to buy this. Well, I should concede at the outset that I have a strong predisposition to fall in love with As Seen on TV merchandise. I mean, I'm not SO far gone that I'd fall for those quack Kinoki Foot Pads, but I'm pretty bad. I love my TurbieTwist. And I bought my sister a Kangaroo Keeper for Christmas. I think she thinks it's one of the lamest gifts she's ever gotten in her whole entire lifetime, but I think if she gave it a chance, she'd find it way useful. She changes purses 2 or 3 times a month!! Oh, and I just recently picked up The Chef Basket @ Walgreen's. I haven't had a chance to fully test its awesomeness...I've only steamed 1 chicken breast in it ...thus far.

Anywhoooo, given my affinity for such merchandise, add that to the constant jeans issue I have with jeans that fit waist-wise being waaay too baggy throughout the legs ...well, all that combined make me rather intrigued by 'Jama-Jeans.

But, ummm, on the other hand methinks that buying these would just be a means to proclaim unequivocally to the world :"I've UTTERLY Given Up"

Trailers For Sale or Rent...

Yep, yesterday I was lamenting how a set of gel tips utterly blew my budget and today I'm scoping out real estate. I toldja--I'm irreparably effed up!!

Nevertheless, THIS was an interesting article. I really rather like #10 on the list. Is there something so bad about living in Cheboygan, MI?? Is it very close to Detroit?

On the other end of the real estate spectrum, I've quite enjoyed browsing this site in the past...

Inept Self-Portraiture

I am not doing so good with my vows of frugality. Yup, in this very forum, about a month ago, I said that "MONASTIC" was the official lifestyle motif for 2011. And I did use the all-caps for emphasis (I did! Check it..) I know it's all believable when I "SHOUT" like that and I suppose it does mean I'm really feelin' it at the time, but y'all should know...my will is weak. I'd all-caps that "weak" but I've lost all credibility now, haven't I?
I do live very spartan-like for a while, and then when I get paid...I get all giddy & indulgent. Now this is only every other paycheck, though...the last paycheck of the month, I can barely touch because >50% of it goes to rent. If I wasn't so paycheck-to-paycheck, if I was able to indulge a bit every week, then perhaps it would be such a huge occasion to get a bit of "mad money"... Ohhh, sometimes I think I need a life coach... or a case worker (yeah...case worker...that sounds cheaper). Better financial planning is what I need...in lieu of a better paying job.


But y'know--fuck it. What's done is done...wallowing in a marinade of my own guilt is just too stereotypical Catholic of me. And I had a great weekend. I think the bulk of my spending was on drinks & dinner with friends. And I feel like if you're going to piss away $$$, that is the absolute worthiest cause. Not just drinks & apps necessarily, but on show tickets, and museum admissions etc. etc. In other words...waste your money on good times, not goods. Probably you don't *need* a new purse...but I think you absolutely DO need to get out and socialize from time to time.
Brief timeline of my weekend--
Thursday night--dinner& drinks @ Jesse's . Me, Roxy B & Sue. Delish chipotle sirloin, beer, & open mic night
Fri night-- happy hour @ Ramunto's w/ Linette. Their wings are outta sight. In my defense, this was a somewhat thrifty outing as Ramunto's has 1/2 price apps & $2 drafts for happy hour.
Saturday--got my nails done with Roxanne, lunch @ Molly's & walked around Hanover a bit.
Sunday--spent ZERO DINERO!! See, God-like, I give it a rest for a day. Had a V-tines day dinner @ my sister's

Ok, so getting my nails done was the very apex of my frivolity. It's not like I just stopped at a manicure. No, I got gel tips w/ French manicure. That's like, the Rolls Royce of falsies...it was like sayin' "forget indulging, I'm gonna indulge to the max" And , as if to underscore my extremist mood, I got 'em the longest I've ever gotten them. The more I stare at 'em the more I think...humans don't ever grow their nails *this* long naturally. But then again... let's not forget those freaky broads in the Guiness Book of World Records. That makes me feel a smidge better.
Early Sunday afternoon, I wanted to re-do my FB profile to showcase my goooorgeous new GLAMOUR TALONS . It was re-gawdamn-donkulous how many "takes" it took me to achieve something halfway acceptable. Here is my blooper reel...

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Obviously, I'm mugging for the camera in these shots. I hope it's obvious..I hope none of you think I'm so moronic and oblivious that this is my idea of a genuine glamour shot.

I snapped them using the web cam on my laptop. I was sitting above the camera, so looking at the spot where I knew the lens was had me looking down and they looked weird. I found that if I looked straight forward, it was pretty clost to looking at the cam, so my eyes would wander there inadvertantly. I opted, instead, to pick an arbitrary focal point in the room to lock on to..

I put these in chronological order... from first disaster to final, acceptable-ish, end-product.

This one is "A Bad Mime is Miming Grocery Shopping for Invisible Groceries When She Left her Invisible List at Home" Long-ass title but it is rather fitting.

Not enough of the nails in this shot, plus I look mildly miserable.

Too much digital-facial pressure here. I look to be in danger of puncturing a cheek.

I was trying to convey "Ooooh!" in the manner of a fireworks spectator. Instead, I look to be blow-drying the glam-talons

AHH!! MY GEL TIPS ARE POSSESSED BY HOMOCIDAL SPIRITS THAT JUST MADE ME MURDER A PERSON!! THE HORRORRRRRRR!! AAAAGH!!!!

I call this one "I Swear it Was The Dog. Honest!!"

I've been passenger in 1 or 2 seemingly-slow-mo car crashes, and I'm fairly certain this is the face I make the instant of the collision

I finally decided I liked the crossed hands finger fan. But I wasn't crazy about the fucking lunatic face I was making here. It's like right outta "The Shining". Yiiikes!!

And ...SUCCESS...at looong last!!

tech calamity!!

My sister has been trialing an iPhone these past coupla days. My tech envy is FIERCE. My phone is just too shamefully shabby to begin with, and add to that the fact that my iPod has , as of late, come down with a mild case of fucked-up. So I feel almost justified in getting something new in which to reposit all my tunes. And if that something new just happens to be a 300X upgrade of what I've got for a cell, well, that's just gravy eh?




Ah, but the iPod is just *mildly* fucked up. It's still working perfectly fine. And, the personal finances being what they are, the smart plan of action would be inaction...keep on keeping on, making do..etc. Oh, bollocks.




Minor though my iPod flaw is, I'm still sorta livid about it. I LOVE my iPod...though I'm sure it' s my own idiotic fault the thing's damaged..although I'm not quite sure how it happened. The other day I noticed a little line in the the display. I thought it got there either through me leaving it in the cold car on some occasion (although I really try not to do that) or it was a pressure fracture. Many a night, I fall asleep listening to that thing, I wake up in the morning and it's under my ass. Oh, sure it sinks into the mattress alright, but that's still a *lot* of pressure coming from above. So I have been extra careful with it since spotting the line, carrying it in a little case, and making sure to bring it into my desk at work. Well, then on Friday night, I went to happy hour with a coworker, and I didn't want to bring into the bar anything but my wee, stuffed-to-capacity, clutch purse. My iPod was in a case...and then I shoved that case inside a woolly mitten...I thought that would be sufficient insulation.


Well, as my italics have insinuated, I exacerbated the flaw. Later Friday night, I went to use my iPod and saw that the line was BIGGER. So it was probably the cold and not my ass that hurt it in the first place. Whatever, it's my fault either way, and I'm ever so distressed over it.


Here, I give you the offending line itself--

Playback/operation doesn't really seem to be affected. And of course, for music, it doesn't really matter one whit. But I have a good deal of TV and a few movies on there. To illustrate...this is what I'd see if I began watching my fave episode of The Mighty Boosh...

Pesky, eh? BUT, I suppose I'll adjust. (suppose I have to)

IGOR!!!Fetch Me a Sammich!!

I wonder...if I was a boss that had "underlings" or an exec with an assistant (sheeeesh I can't even TYPE that straight-facedly. .I am sooo not management material) would I be able to send them out to get my lunch? Well, surely (in this hypothetical world)I could ...I suppose what I'm really pondering is: would I ??

I don't think I would. I have a difficult time delegating work to begin with (that's prob'ly the top reason I could never be a manager and this is all moot musing) Perhaps I could get over that (and it's likely that I did, iffin' I make-believe made it into the managerial ranks) but I don't think I could bring myself to command people to do my personal errands. But that's pretty commonplace I take it: assistants picking up lunch, making reservations, etc. etc. (picking up the boss's dry-cleaning is a classic, right? Shit.. I've shifted into Family Feud mode. "DRYCLEANING-YES!Good answer! Good answer!" clap clap clap ...)

I didn't just start contemplating this out of the blue, by the way. I was working at the front desk today at around 1pm (covering the regular receptionist's lunch) and wished Chris, our CEO's assistant a "God speed and drive safe!!" as she bustled out the door into a EFFING NOR'EASTER to go pick up lunch for the CEO & the VP. I don't know which bitch ordered her to do it, but it struck me as especially imperious on a day like today.

Photo/ video of my hum-drum weekend

No money to do anything fun this weekend. So OBVIOUSLY, I would avoid housework too. I mean, if you're in such a morass of suck that you can't afford to do anything fun, why *further punish* yourself with tiresome toil?? Usually such circumstances call for a movie marathon weekend, but I had an unusual swelling of creative juices yesterday (perhaps this is owing to my 15 hours of sleep after conking out at around 7pm on Fri night) and I went out in the fluffy precipitation and made a snowman...er, I mean, a snow beastie....

He smelled like fish guts, cashews & hair product. And that is indeed a foil-wrapped peanut butter cup as his schnozz but it is NOT candy abuse, as I had some dreadful Palmer brand chocolate on my hands (including some PB cups).

Today was more of a movie marathon day, though I was slightly more ambitious and did some pedicurin' while I watched my movies. I left my toes in one of those foam toe separator jobbies while my polish dried and then just left it in my toes long after they had dried, simply 'cuz I got wrapped up in the movie. It freaked me out a bit when I took it off, as it seemed to me that the toes on my left foot were all gnarly. Not gnarly in good way. Gnarly in a GNARLED way. I don't know why it would be on my left foot *only* as I left the foam jobbies on both feet, but that's the way they were. Particularly off-looking was my little piggie sans roast beef (3 over from biggie) So, not trusting my own perception, I took Flip Video footage of my feets. YOU be the judge....will I never again be able to snag a foot fetishist??

If you are at all curious about the soundtrack to this toe inspection, it's just the end credits of Hudsucker Proxy you hear in the background..

Lemme see... what's new avec moi...hmmm...

My New Year's Eve was pretty low-key & DULL. My sister had a small bash at her house--board games and drinking....and I was only down for the latter. Sure, I brought Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture DVD Edition, but I didn't wanna actually play it. Not to be a braggedy pants but...I pretty much always win...I certainly don't mind that, but it's just an EPIC* endeavor getting to the win. I think I just need a new Trivial Pursuit game and then I 'll get reinterested. Pretty much for board games I could go for, the entire list is:.Scrabble, Bananagrams, Battleship, or Connect Four. And that's it. (Guess Who would've made the list but they gave all of the characters a makeover and that somehow ruined it for me) And most adults I know won't play the last two. I don't know why. Okay, I recognize that I'm succumbing to a tangent but humor me for just a line or two longer. Y'know how they're resuscitating all manner of 80s toys, so nearly anything you played with back in the day you can get for your kiddos to play with (with a hefty nostalgia surcharge of course)? Well, I'm just dying for them to bring back the board game Cat's Eye. I used to effing LOVE that game. And yet..I'm pretty sure if they did bring it back it would wind up disappointing me ( a la "Hmm, I remember this being much funner")
So. Back to New Year's. I didn't do board games, I just drank champers and played with these that I got my niece Sadie for Christmas. And then we turned on the telly... I actually wanted to see Mtv drop Snooki in her little guidette hamster ball . We were actually watching Mtv for a bit, but then they started in on some racy banter and my sister switched over to ABC because my nieces & nephew were up still and watching. So it was New Year's Rockin' Eve with Dick Clark. I admit it saddens me a smidge, watching post-stroke Clark count it down. But I think mostly I'm glad he still does it. I'm sure there was a contingent at the network that wanted to have him back out of it, because he's not the height of hip, and he's old and unpretty and now he's not speaking clearly...but it pleases me to think he told them "Go fuck yourself! I'm Dick Fucking Clark!!"

So after that dull New Year's Eve (dudes, living it was even lamer than reading about it has been!! FOR REALS.) I dusted off my perennial resolutions (1. shed some tonnage and 2. have more adventures. ) and commenced 2011. And then, HORRIBLY, on my first workday of the new year...the government tracked me down. Well, not the *whole *government ...just the student loans part of it. Oh, also they are too pissed at me to ring me directly. It was some collections agency that called me at work. Anyway, long sob story short, I am now on some "rehab program" and my lifestyle motif for 2011 shall be summed up by the word: "MONASTIC" . This new way of life works pretty well with that parenthetical #1 (poverty diet, anyone?) but I don't know yet how I can make it jive with perennial resolution #2. Ahh, we'll see.

On Thursday, during my lunch break my boss came in, and told me that beginning immediately --as of the end of my lunch break-- med supply ordering was indefinitely being covered by Larry and I was going to be trained to do "MAPS" and become responsible for those. To relate to you as briefly as I'm able what MAPS is...hmmm...well, firstly MAPS is an acronym of sorts...and what it's an acronym for they don't cover in MAPS training. Hell, should that not be MAPS 101? I feel like all these acronyms that are supposed to make business easier just obfuscate everything. Anyways, we bill Medicare for a patient of ours...for an episode (usually a period of 60 days) of services and/or supplies... Medicare will sometimes refute a bill : "Uh-uh...we don't think so" at which point the first part of the process kicks in--a mass accrual of notes & documentation (all aimed to show we did what we said we did, and did so correctly and with an MD sanction) So we get that and like, reassert our bill , a sort of "Oh YUH HUH. We mean it." But we are still at this point, retaining that accrual. ..until Medicare comes back at us with some of those patient episodes (most, but not necessarily all that they originally balked at) and they say "OK...BRING IT." Which kicks off a huge mailing (of aforementioned accrual) with beaucoup cover letters and massive certified mail fees. That's basically MAPS....though I didn't manage to make it brief at all. Damn.
I haven't been doing this gig long enough (just for half of Thursday + Friday) to say for sure whether I like it or not, but it's a time-consuming task, and they only took away one of my regular duties. And I'm pretty sure the nurses are going to HATE Larry doing the med supply ordering (I know Larry hates it).

It just so happens Thursday night I had a dream that I was at the movies and I saw my boss there and I pelted her with baby carrots. It was kind of a sad thing...that I was noshing on baby carrots at the movies. But the rest of the dream was quite gratifying!! It was very funny, she was standing up and headed toward the center aisle and in this kind of exaggerated high-comedic way she was locked in place by the barrage of carrots.